My Ramblings

Back to business

2010-08-30T00:30:00.000-05:00

When things get tough, plant yourself; stead-fast and focused. You can't overcome your problems in life when your focus is off track. I can't go into detail at the moment, but those of you reading know the struggle I've been going through. I thank EACH AND EVERYONE of you who showed me support. Thank you for your prayers, listening to me vent, sending uplifting messages and remaining stead-fast with me. All those nights I stayed up unable to sleep because the stress weighed on me, I am thankful for all of you. It hasn't been easy. Never did I doubt my faith, because no matter how intense things may have gotten, I chose to believe! Many times my faith ran dry and I had to rely on the kind words of friends to carry through to another day. I've said it before and I'll say it again, when we overcome one obstacle in life, there's a brief reprieve then another test presents itself. I thank You Lord that this long, tiring, (emotionally & physically) draining storm is over!

I want to share a word of encouragement with all of you who are reading this. As my Aunt Toni would say "I'm not tell you what I heard. I'm telling you what I know!" And what I know is people will try everything within human possibility to destroy you by breaking your spirit. Don't allow anyone (husband, wife, supervisor, mom, dad, etc.) ever crush your spirit. When words of encouragement can't be heard from a single being, plant your feet solid on the ground in which you stand, look up and start speaking words of encouragement to yourself. Even if you don't believe a single thing coming out your mouth, keep speaking words of faith and encouragement. I can't tell you how much strength you'll find when you continue to say positive things about yourself. I've been there! At one point I remember mentally being so exhausted I had to lock myself away in my room. I turned every light off and wept from heart. I spoke words of encouragement to myself. I spoke those words aloud because (for me) there's something about saying it out loud. I am a good person, no matter what people say or think about me. I won't let anyone steal my faith, because good will overcome evil. My life is meant for me to enjoy it, in abundance to the full until it overflows and no demon in hell can take that right from me. I know someday this storm is going to be over! I can make it...

Again, thank you to any of you who supported me through one of the most difficult times I've had to go through! I want to get back to me. I have a job to do and a life to live...so back to business :)

Blessed

2010-08-17T23:01:00.000-05:00

Within the inner sanctum of my soul I hear a quiet voice saying "pray, pray, pray". There's nothing more to do but pray...and wait. Fighting away the anxiety that comes with waiting feels like a relentless battle when all you want is for things to change. It feels like that change can't come soon enough. Either way I'm here to say that I've planted my feet and I'm going to wait. Wait on the Lord. Joy will be restored in the lives of my lost friends, as long as there's breath in my body I'm going to believe that things will change. It's been ordained, joy is on the way. I've never believed more than I do now, but His word shall not return void, and though weeping my endure for a night joy will come in the morning (Psalm 30:5). Only the Lord knows how precious that passage is to me. I've seen it through so many dark times in my life. Never once have I been let down by it.

I've had nights where I've all but drown in my own tears, crying out "Lord help me, I can't go on", thinking I was going to succumb to the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, & anger. But every time I've been brought back to that scripture. I know now that weeping is only temporary when I am willing to hand it over. All of you that read this I want to encourage you to hold on because joy is on the way. I want to close this with the song that I'm listening to right now. The words have inspired me so much to just hold on....just wait! I am believing the best will happen in the lives of those I love, no matter what they're going through. We're all human and dark times try to bring us all to our demise. I am so thankful that I didn't end it when I felt the pressure increase because now I know that my bigger purpose yet to be served in this life...

I may never climb a mountain so I can see the world from there
I may never ride the waves and taste the salty ocean air
Or build a bridge that will last a hundred years
But no matter where the road leads
One thing is always clear

I am blessed from when I rise up in the morning
Until I lay my head to rest
I feel you near me
You soothe me when I'm weary
Lord for all the worst and all the best
I am blessed

These are the lyrics that changed my life forever, because in that moment I remember saying to God that I'm done. This life is not worth it anymore and this song started playing. And at that moment it hit me! I'm blessed, He's not done with me, and joy was sure to come in the morning!

hanging on

2010-08-02T23:19:00.000-05:00

Better days are ahead, certainly. I know the Lord will not continue to let these issues increase. Have you ever dealt with something so long that you begin to physically see yourself change before your own eyes??? I know that I'm where I should be, this is my destiny. Despite what may be going on around me, I genuinely love my job and nothing can change that. People will be people and I have to bear with things until His will be done. In the midst of all my struggles and doubts, I have a strong feeling emerging from my heart softly whispering to me "the fight is almost over, hang on". I am not at liberty to speak about anything work related, but friends I ask you say a prayer for me. I need strength to continue on. I'm a fighter, and it takes a lot to take me out. I have no doubt things will work out in my favor, but still strength is needed right now in order me to continue functioning.

The Golden Girls

2010-07-22T21:34:00.000-05:00

Nothing compares to having a day off and relaxing all day while watching The Golden Girls! Funny stuff!

The Challenge: If You Really Knew Me

2010-07-21T00:34:00.000-05:00

I watched a MTV reality show tonight, "If You Really Knew". I'm still in awe at the veracity of this show. It really awakened many things in me, perhaps things that I have neglected to deal with for whatever reasons. The show is based in a new high school each week. The goal of the show is for different groups to open up and expose certain facets of their lives, that people probably haven't taken into account. Numerous times during the show I found myself in tears, physical tears that I couldn't control. At one point I even found myself thinking what is wrong with you. Hearing the different confessions really hit home. I used to be many of these people!

I thought to myself I know what you're going through and it will get better, only because I've been there before. I can remember what it was like in high school too, and even as an adult I've had to battle a lot of these issues. I know that feeling on loneliness, as though the world is drifting away before your eyes and no one bothers to help save you. There were confessions of ongoing turmoil at home that affects the daily interactions these kids have outside of home. Those were the particular confessions that made me regress back to the days that I thought I'd never survive.

Fortunate and blessed are words I use to describe my existence today, because more days than not, I didn't know if I'd make it to the next day. I wanted things to end because life wasn't worth living on. No one loved me anyways. Things were so awful at home that my ability to cope was withered and didn't seem to be pointing in a good place. Within my spirit the will to live was completely gone. It's like all my hope reached a point of irrelevance. Nothing will ever change, I thought. Those who I felt were obligated by God to love me didn't do that. Family??? Psssh, yeah that was a joke. They didn't care or at least they didn't show it, that's for sure. I grew up alone and isolated. The man who I thought was my father neglected me in every sense of the word. My mom cared for everything but me, it seemed. Having to go to school and deal with secondary issues only applied more pressure. Not being able to talk to friends because of the embarrassment of my private life only wore me down faster. Sometimes just simple act of smiling at people felt like a job. I learned to bottle it all up. On several occasions I felt I'd come to the end. I did everything I knew to do yet nothing seemed to yield positive results. Of course I could go on, and expose more specific details, but it's not about that tonight. Just know that I made it. It's possible for anyone out there to make, despite the naysayers.

In retrospect I see that everything has its place and time. The Lord blessed me with the right people to carry me from one level to the next. These individuals validated me and appreciated the love I had buried beneath the rubble of anger and pain. The main person being my precious Aunt Toni. My eyes are watery just thinking of how she saw something me. Her support guided me through, no matter who was in my life she remained that constant. There were others who saw my heart and embraced me and I appreciated each one of them. I'm so thankful for those who inspired me to live on through the darkness and pain. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Though we're all spread out across the country now, I'll never forget a single person who helped keep me afloat. I dare not think of where things could have gone had God's infinite timing not prevailed.

Like the show, I challenge all of you (including myself) to go back to square one. Love. It's just that simple. The rest falls into the proper place once we take it back to basics. Stop caring about religion, race, sexuality, and the slew of other issues we put so much emphasis on. Until we start grasp the concept and power of love, nothing else matters.

Looking forward to tomorrow

2010-07-16T22:55:00.000-05:00

Plotting my demise only inspires me to fight harder. I believe that good will overcome evil. It's that simple. One way or another. This week has been a stressful one, but you know what I'm here for the long haul. I don't know if next week will be better but I'm willing to take it on and give it my best shot. Nothing, and I do mean nothing will stop me from looking forward to tomorrow. Storms only last so long. Good night....

-A

Good morning

2010-07-05T06:17:00.000-05:00

Good morning. I'm about to leave my apartment and make my way to work. I'm leaving this weekend behind, because I know a higher power is looking out for me and justice is always served. I plan to bring positive energy everywhere I go today, despite what is taking place around me. Life is what you make it. I'm still not happy with the way some things have transpired, but I know in due time it'll be addressed. I hope everyone has a great day :)

Shame, shame, shame

2010-07-04T16:01:00.000-05:00

Hi I'm back. My life has been consumed by work as most of you probably would have suspected. Unfortunately I am returning with some disturbing revelations. I can't be very specific at this time, but I'm honestly filled with rage. Trying to maintain and conduct myself as an adult while knowing people whom I am supposed to be on a team with are doing some less the acceptable things, is very difficult. All I can really say at the moment is shame on you. Without ethics you won't survive to become a truly successful person. I work hard and I love what I do, I will never forfeit being a decent person for the sake of recognition, money, or any other selfish desire. Doing wrong by others and getting away with it will eventually catch up with you. Shame on you.

Update: work pt. 3

2010-05-10T10:54:00.000-05:00

I worked with our extended family at the Montgomery hospital last week. It was a nice change of pace & atmosphere from my home hospital. I'm looking forward to going back. They're a great group of young charismatic individuals. I am giving it my all to help spread positive energy within the workplace. I can be charismatic too! Working with the combination of animals and high quality medicine comes with its own stress and tension. I'm not changing over night, but everyday I am giving it a little more effort to become a different person. Since our hospital has changed to an associate hospital, our staff has been more than double. I don't want to run away any of the new people with my "attitude". Trust me, I know I'd be tempted to leave a job if I had to work with me some days! Haha - and it's not that I'm mean or bossy, but I like things a certain way (yeah that doesn't sound bossy Antonio haha); every pet I see isn't just a dog or cat they're like my own. I want them to be treated with respect. My focus is make sure the pets are as comfortable as possible while under my care. I think I am one of the easiest people to work with on our team, but when it comes to new people I am very cautious and slightly overbearing only because I want them to understand the importance of giving every pet respect and not stressing them out. A stressed out animal is more difficult to treat and usually becomes known as one of those that none of us want to see. I'm imperfect but I'm going to work on my personality flaws before I scare away the newbies lol :)

Big ego

2010-04-26T23:08:00.000-05:00

Be careful of the energy you put out there, what you put out you will inherit double the portion. That is a fact, like it or not. It's easy to exalt ourselves, but when you work with a team you take "me" and "I" out of the picture, to be replaced by "us" and "we". That is a team. No longer will exalting oneself be acceptable, because "I" no longer exist. Each person within that group plays in intricate part in seeing that the job gets completed, efficiently. Fragile egos always stand out as red flags (to me), because when you're working to attain a goal that will improve the lives of others there's no room for shallow egos. Instead, focus on what YOU can do to help not only improve those around you, but also on what will improve you as well. None of us should ever reach a point to where we feel we're done growing. As long as there's breath within my body, I know there's still room for me to grow. A team will never advance and succeed when there's war within the fort. A relationship can't see it's brightest days until we leave our egos at the door.

Step one

2010-04-19T22:36:00.001-05:00

OK I'm sitting here having a "moment", that's what I call these intimate times when I'm alone with my thoughts. I found myself having one of these moments about two days ago. When I have a moment I know it's happening for a reason...and if I'm still and quiet, I can probably hear what is being said. Tonight all I've heard is love, love, love....

I can't lose sight of the goal. Starting tonight I am opening my heart again to be fully examined, because I feel myself allowing the negativity of some situations to overtake my spirit. I've been consumed with work issues 24/7 for the last few weeks. At the end of the day I want my heart to be open to forgiving those whom I feel have wronged me and start back at step one, with love. If there's one thing that's for sure it's that each day you'll be presented with a chance to go back to basics of life and humanity: LOVE. So many days I don't want to think of giving love to anyone, in fact more often than not I'd rather give someone a good ol' "love" tap right up side their head. I think the latter is a side effect from working with people because I've been feeling that way more and more each day. I know this "moment" keeps tugging at my heart for a reason. No matter how complicated life gets there's always that basic action that starts the movement in the right direction...LOVE

Update: work pt.2

2010-04-11T22:32:00.001-05:00

The picture above is from the chaotic mess of Saturday.

Okay last weeks lesson: GAIN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE and FIND BALANCE...AGAIN!!!

First of all, I'm just thankful to God that I made it through the week. It's been awhile since I've felt so overwhelmed to the point of possibly cracking under the pressure. Each day got worse than the day before. Being busy is always a good thing, but without enough solid support around you it's hard. I'm not faulting anyone, because there was nothing any of us could do to make the load any easier. By the time I left work Saturday night (over 2 hours late, by the way) I was drowning in exhaustion. Relentless headache, frustrated, & of course....exhausted.

To update those of you who don't know what's been going on my hospital is being converted to an Associate Hospital. With this conversion I've been working with a smaller staff. Not that we ever had enough staff before, so now it's understood what a blow this is to have an even smaller staff. Somehow I've lost myself within this transition. After reflecting on this week I saw that I allowed the insanity around me to cause me to lose balance in my life. Bringing work home with me is something I have got to stop NOW. If 12 hours isn't enough time to serve in one day then I guess people will just have to deal with it. I've played with 'burn-out' before and it's not worth it. Burn-out causes me to easily become angry with co-workers, short tempered, & prevents me from giving my all to the job that I love.

I'll survive this transition. I have to embrace balance in order to go back to that place of serenity. Since I've been there before, let me be the first to tell you it's a beautiful thing. After the sun sets on this chapter of my life serenity shall return again. This much I know is true.

love

2010-04-07T22:40:00.000-05:00

Life tough times are rough, but remember we all have the power of love. When friends and family fall weak, use the love to help hold them up. Speak gently, open your heart, and let love take over. Through love and the acceptance of love, restoration is born.

Felt like keeping it short for this post, because love is such a strong word. When you stop and take it the power of those four letters you'll realize why it's best to keep this one simple.

L.O.V.E.

TGIF

2010-04-02T21:10:00.000-05:00

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY! (and the crowd cheers) This week has been in a league of it's on. Let's just say I'm happy to have it behind me. I'm just so thoroughly disgusted with the way some "professionals" choose to conduct themselves. Lack of respect for the profession in which you work. I think those of us who make the choice to work with animals should stop and do a heart check. Is my heart really in this? How far am I willing to go to improve and enrich the lives I have in my hands everyday? Let's not take advantage of the fact that the owner trusts anything we choose to do, and their child "can't talk". I know to a certain extent I live in a Disney world, where everyone wants what's best for the animals. This week has been filled with picking up the slack of others just because the utter lack of care or concern, and that bothers me. To be frank, it pisses me off and makes me mad as hell. I'm not angered by picking up the slack, I'm disgusted that a person who is supposed to 'help' an innocent pet would ever allow themselves to get in the position of not caring. I completely understand that we all have our days where we're not as good as we were the day before. But damn, this is a field that by dropping the ball once would make you responsible for harming a life; the opposite of what our true intent should be. Again, thank God it's Friday!

I wish I could help

2010-03-29T23:25:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here. Anticipating tomorrow. Not in a good way because my mind is going in a thousand different directions. I'm speechless. My heart is aching for my Aunt. I hate the feeling of being helpless because I like knowing that there's something I can do. In this case I know there's nothing that any of us can do. On Saturday, March 27th, her precious companion, her baby, Muffin went home to be with the Lord after 15 years. For those of you out there who truly value your pets, you understand the deep dark pain that comes when you lose one of yours. In our eyes they're not pets, they're family and when they leave us it hurts just as much. Muffin has apart of our family since I was 10 years old. Tonight I lift my Aunt Toni up in prayer for strength because I know it hurts. I can't understand or explain why things like this happen. I just trust that God will hold her up.

I know that lately things have been so hard
And looking out through your broken heart
All you can see is dark and lonely days ahead
But remember Jesus said...
He knows every star in the sky
Every single tear that you cry
His love is here, faithful and alive
I know that this world can be cold
In His arms you're never alone
That's His promise to you and I

We Belong Together/Fly Like A Bird

2010-03-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to share one of my favorite MC performances. Enjoy!

We made it

2010-03-09T20:46:00.000-06:00

Another long day has been successfully completed. I'm not sure if was the full moon or what, but today brought us loads of emergencies. Perhaps I jinxed myself by thinking it was going to be a "light" day based on your surgery/exam schedule. All I'm going to say it we made it and thank you Lord for such a strong team of people. We worked like a well oiled machine. Now with the day behind me I am going to relax. Watch TV and drink a fat glass of wine. Until next time...

Update: work pt.1

2010-03-08T22:21:00.000-06:00

It's been a busy week. I apologize for my absence. As most of you know by now there's been a lot of changes going at job. I'm nervous and excited about the future. Thanks to everyone of you who keep my name in your prayers. I need them now more than anything. I've spent the last few months in prayer and thought about this love I have; my job. I knew some changes would be taking place this year, and the thought of a certain person becoming my "boss" just wasn't going to happen. However, every time I had a negative thought of a particular person that I honestly wanted to get rid of I heard this little voice in back of my mind saying don't you make a move, I've got this. One thing I've always believed in is karma. What you put out there will come back to you with double the power. I'm too afraid of trying to dig a grave for someone else, because that's when you end up hurting yourself. So with that said I've remained firm...just standing, waiting, believing that God's taking care of me. There's nothing like giving up what little control you think you have. Well here I am...believing, just believing that the best will work out in the end.

Leisure day

2010-03-03T14:52:00.000-06:00

The sun is shining, there's a nice cool breeze light blowing, and I'm off today! Could today get any better? The most productive activity I've been able to do today is take my dogs out for a nice long walk. It would have been cruel for me to not let them enjoy this beautiful day. Now I'm going to continue my own personal Sex And The City marathon.

No choice but to swim

2010-02-28T22:43:00.000-06:00

In life I find those who take a stand and who go against the flow in order to remain true to themselves to be the most inspirational influences. How simple it is to be typical and 'follow the leader'. No, no no. It's about being an individual. The road for those of us who believe in the phrase "I'm free to be me", don't travel so easy. On this road we encounter loneliness & rejection - almost to the point where you stop and think somethings wrong with me. I have learned to stop thinking that way. I think it's a natural thought pattern after years of being an individual.

To those out there taking a stand in honor of your liberty, continue to fight the fight that wages war against your life. Stand tall, stand strong...this road is only so long. When no one calls to give you those words of encouragement to go on, remember that we all have inner strength inside us. I remember nights when I prayed and truly believed that someone would be sent my way to give my encouragement. Almost every time, I was left feeling lonelier that before - loosing more and more faith in mankind and my 'friends'. Through those terrible experiences I learned that inner strength is found when you're alone and have no one to rely but yourself. It's either sink or swim. True fighters look at it from one point of view: SWIM! No choice but to swim.

I say never give up, never give in...seasons change. And know that your day is coming.

No time like the present

2010-02-25T22:34:00.000-06:00

I know, I know I've been away too long. I admit I've been a little self absorbed as of late haha. Between work and being sick I haven't had time to update. Hope everyone is doing great. Tomorrow's Friday - another week behind me (amen). Tomorrow I want to give it all I've got and do an even better job while helping to improve the lives of animals. For the last couple of weeks I've honestly been giving it 90% of what I've got because of my utter disgust with certain people in the work place. Years ago I told myself I would never let the politics change how I feel about my job, because it's something I genuinely love. It's always easier to say it than do it. The laziness of some people is just appalling, to the point where I want to just meet them at their game. I can be lazy too, if you want me to play this game with you. However, I've had to step back to remind myself that some of us do this job because we love animals. I won't be pulled into mediocrity because of someone else's short comings and lack of ambition. I'm not waiting for next week to come before I choose to start over. Today is the day...now is the time.

When it's gone, it's gone.

2010-01-29T22:50:00.000-06:00

Why is it that in the moments of tragedy, heartache, & pain I seem to see my life from a different point of view? I value my existence a little more. I don't get it. Everyday I wake up should be reason enough for me to smile. Some days I wake up and I immediately think "here we go again, new day, same $#!%"...sad but it's true. I have really put a focus on being a better, more positive person this year. The last week at work has been far from the best, but hey I'm still here. I have must some fight left in me huh? I thought I realized how this whole life thing works, unlike I saw how I've started to let small unimportant things taint my life. Through anothers tragedy I've taken notice to my short comings and it shames me. Life is precious, plain and simple it's a gift. It's raining out right now, which doesn't really help the mood. As I sit here I'm thinking of tomorrow...

An old friend and former classmate of mine will be laid to rest tomorrow morning. A genuinely good person that I never really thought would leave this life so soon. There's a freedom in death, no more worries, sorrows, or pain but then there's the other part of death, imprisonment. Those left to live on and agonize over things we wish we'd said and done, but now it's too late. Time is of the essence. When it's gone, it's gone.

My review: The Mariah show

2010-01-20T17:15:00.002-06:00

Hello everyone! I'm still feeling really good from last night! It's the MC high! I went to the Mariah Carey concert in Atlanta at the Fox Theatre. Wait, did I just call her by first and last name? I never do that! We've been hanging together since 1990...she's known (to me) as 'M', 'MC', or just Mariah...back to the point, sorry for going into that spiral. The show was incredible! Mariah performed 17 songs, all of which were LIVE! What else would you expect from her? Her personality was entertaining (to us fans) as always. During the 2 hour set, she poked fun at herself for being hailed a 'diva', calling make-up & hair assistances on stage for a "touch up", requesting a wine glass with "apple juice" (after taking a sip she says "this ain't apple juice I don't care what you say"), requesting a mic stand, having a throng of male dancers carry her on and off the stage. These are things we love her for! When you're Mariah Carey (there I go again) you can do that and it's part of the 'norm'.

The showed had a good mix of new & old material. Of course I was on my feet the entire time, singing every song along with her. Her dedication of "Angels Cry" to the victims of the Haiti tragedy was particularly moving. Lots of emotion--I can't even explain the chill bumps that took over my body. Speaking of emotion, my favorite song of the night was when she took us back to 1991...yes she performed "Emotions". You know the song with about 200 high notes and runs. MC proved that she still "has it", she hit every note and created some new ones in the song like she was 21 years old again. "We Belong Together" was the crowd mover for sure. I saw an old couple (looks like they were in their mid 60s) swaying and holding each other while singing every line of the song. Oh did I mention "We Belong Together" was named SONG OF THE DECADE by Billboard magazine? It was Mariah's 16th #1...we call it her 'sweet 16'. After the show I waited outside the backstage area to meet MC...and well let me tell ya, she was the complete opposite of Mary J. Blige (lest we forget the Best Buy experience last month? I think not). Mariah came out and took pictures with the fans, signed memorabilia, & talked with us. She actually made the fans feel like we're worth more than the money we pour into her pockets. Ahh, I'm forever a fan! Also her staff was much nicer than that of a certain other diva. I was extremely happy to be able to meet some very special people (to me) like her long time friend and back up vocalist Trey Lorenz. For those of you who don't know who that is, he's the gentleman singing with her on her 6th #1 single I'll Be There. It was Trey's birthday, so we sang for him as he came out to meet & greet with everyone. The other back up vocalist (I love Sherry!) was very kind, stopping to take pics and chat with everyone, the dancers, and body guards were all in good spirits. All in all it was worth more than what I paid! Mariah did the damn thing!

Haiti

2010-01-15T23:29:00.000-06:00

Sitting here preparing for bed, what a long but successful work day. Only a few days left until the Mariah concert! I'm thinking of how blessed I am. To see me some days you wouldn't know that I'm thankful for all I have. I want to continue striving for a stronger sense of humility. In this tough economy I have a job, food, shelter and then some. Why do senseless tragedies have to happen in order to provoke me to step back, look at my life and realize just how good I have it? The citizens and victims of Haiti are in my prayers everyday. Thank You Lord for putting me in a position to be able to give. They too are our brothers and sisters...let us not forget that.

Angels Advocate Tour

2010-01-13T19:23:00.000-06:00

Only 6 days left!!!!! :)

Happy New Year! Less is more

2010-01-03T14:47:00.000-06:00

Belated happy new year everyone! I'm so thankful to be here to see 2010, what a blessing! I don't really get into New Years resolutions, mainly because I forget most of them within a week or just give up and say 'the hell with it' out of frustration haha. Why add unnecessary stress to my life for the first week of a new year? The only thing I've committed myself to is enjoying life even more and being an all around better person. I'm kinda cheating, because those are two elements of life I'm always working to improve on. I have hope that I'll be successful with both feats again this year. Looking back at my life over the last 5 years I would say I've changed (for the better) and continuously finding myself being molded into a better person who enjoys life for what it's worth. Speaking from personal experience it helped me to give the ax to a lot of people in 2009. The year was practically smooth sailing in comparison to previous years. Less "friends"=less drama=less depression=less self loathing. I never dreamed I'd prefer having a simplistic life with only 2 or 3 friends, as opposed to always being surrounded by people, doing socially appealing things. It's overrated. That's a testament to my growth beyond childish needs for love & acceptance by people. In more ways than one I feel like that same child, burnt many times, but refusing to remain bitter. I just want to remain as positive as possible and take my life one day at a time...enjoying myself, my friends, & the journey that has led me to this place.

Happy New Year
-A

P.S.
I'm going to start my year off by enjoying Mariah LIVE in Atlanta on January 19th! I can't wait to see her since my favorite songs live on her "Angel's Advocate" tour :)

Countdown to 2010!!!

2009-12-30T00:10:00.000-06:00

Looking forward to ending this year! I'm happy that I've made it this far, and I pray to see the next year too. I'm 25 years old now and determined to grow a little more, see a little more of the world, enjoy my life a little more, give a little of myself to my job--simple 'resolutions'. This year I was very successful with something that I thought would bring about more peace in my life...STAYING AWAY FROM NEGATIVE PEOPLE! Some think I went crazy because I went on a massive downsizing socially. Of course the people that thought I was going mad are the people I chose to rid my life of. Haha funny how that works huh? Seriously after the seeing positive energy that came from getting rid of unnecessary people I am convinced that I did what was right. I'm an independent person who doesn't thrive on the social scene (anymore). It's overrated--plain and simple. Give me a glass of wine and a classic movie alone any day over some pretentious, self indulging, judgmental people. Take it from me: keeping life simple can change your life for the best! To the few people who are always in my corner (and you know who you are :) THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I'll see you next year for sure :)

New years plans? It's looking like a few drinks with my a couple special friends....ringing in 2010 with a ray of positivity. I hope ALL OF YOU have a wonderful new year! I'm pretty sure this will be my last blog for 2009. Of course twitter.com/thatguyantonio will keep you updated until I blog again :)

Love

-A

P.S.

Joan- thank you VERY much for the painting! I can't stop staring at it (sounds a little 'self-indulging' LOL) but I really do love it! Couldn't have asked for anything better :)

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T14:33:00.000-06:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS! ENJOY CHRISTMAS MARIAH STYLE :)

Shame on you Mary

2009-12-24T16:32:00.000-06:00

I spent 7 1/2 hours waiting in line to see Mary J. Blige at her album signing at Best Buy (@ Union Square) Tuesday. Her newest album Stronger With Each Tear was released the day before. I've always like Mary for the message in her music and her growth into a positive performer. I think I would have come out better by just allowing myself to admire from afar, because the whole process truly pisses me off every time I think about it. Of course I don't want to keep thinking about it, but you know how it is when something really pisses you off; you find your mind wandering back to it -- it's practically impossible to stop myself. It just keeps popping up in my head. The weather was cold & frigid (hello in New York in December), 24 degrees is serious enough, but when combined with angry New Yorkers who were pissed because we were blocking the street outside the store, it only makes it worse. I was #6 in line, not a bad spot. After about 3 hours my body started trying to succumb to the elements, so I played the whole "mind over matter" bit. Frozen hands, feet, face, & starving...then "Mary's people" came to tell us that she was on her way, but first here's a few things you must know:

1. NO PHOTOS-if you're caught with a camera or phone you will be removed from the line
2. PLEASE DON'T ASK MS. BLIGE ANY QUESTIONS
3. DON'T ASK HER TO PERSONALIZE YOUR CD, SHE WILL SIGN HER NAME ONLY
4. DON'T ASK FOR A HUG OR HAND SHAKE

If I hadn't waited so long I would have walked away at that point. Are you kidding me? I know Mary is a legend in the R&B/Hip-Hop world, but let's be real she's no Michael Jackson or Mariah Carey. 7 1/2 hours and I can't even get a photo, a hug, or ask the bitch a question? Please tell me this is a joke. Anyway whatever, I got my autographed and told Mary really quickly that I'd been waiting for over 7 hours--she made really good eye contact and said "oh thank you so much, really"...what the crap? By the end of the whole ordeal I was pretty much over Mary & the hype. I can't even bring myself to listen to the CD. I've tried twice but it pisses me off to hear her voice now. And now her smurf hair style annoys me even more...everything about Mary pisses me off! So I've decided to try to make the best of the situation. I'm putting the autographed CD on eBay...bidders take your mark

STAND

2009-12-09T18:12:00.000-06:00

2009 has been a year of immense growth for me. What was started in 2008 really took off in 2009. I've been molded into a place of self assurance. I know who I am and what I want. With this metamorphosis I've encountered many a battles on the personal front. In fact, I can't say that I'm not enduring some new battles at this very moment. I know I've been blessed beyond all measure just by the fact that I'm still here today, standing. Of the lessons I have learned this year, there's one I'll keep with me forever; the realization that it's better to just STAND than run. Many, many, many times this year I was brought face to face with new and bigger fears. Many times when there were no answers at the moment to settle my heart and emotions, I would just stand. Thinking: either I'm going make it through this or it's going to defeat me, but either way I'm not running back. Move forward or don't move at all. I think it's the whole mentality that no one and nothing is going to make me run anymore. Forward motion is a sign of progress, things are changing, improving, and lessons are being learned. Running back is the complete opposite.

I can't help but think of those who meant nothing more than to harm me, kill my spirit, take the love and compassion from my heart. Sorry, you didn't succeed. I know 2010 and beyond will have it's Christa Bragg's and family members who will plot to dig a grave for me. That's called LIFE. But more importantly I know that with those negative elements if I remain true to who I am I will always have the right people in my corner. I'm not sure if I'll get to post again before the year ends but if not I want to say a very special and dear thanks to those of you who have remained true. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Back to New York next week...and I can't wait :)

Love,

-A

Precious: the review...and saying good bye to my friend.

2009-11-22T16:07:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to see the movie Precious. I feel like everyone should see this film. It's just as brutally raw and emotional as the book. This is certainly not a "Hollywood" film, forget the watering down of a persons life. That's why it has the ability to stick with you in your heart after you leave the theatre, because it brings you face to face with how it is to live in the life of Clareece Precious Jones. I was pleased with the crowd that came out in support of this amazing work. The audience was filled with laughter, tears, and at times a deep sympathetic silence while watching Precious bravely fight every battle presented. It amazes me how much the human soul care deal with in one lifetime. Mentally this movie is beyond realistic, there were many times I'd hear a line and think "I've heard that before too Precious, I've been there." Movies that tug on our heart strings and inspire us to be a better person always win me over. I also love how director Lee Daniels put a primary focus on Precious' way of coping with the pain--escapism, through living a fantasy life; the perfect mother & father, nice "light skinned", great friends, & fame. All of which Precious didn't have, but she never stopped dreaming and taking herself out of her horrible reality. I think at times it was her only saving grace. Sometimes the dream of overcoming our circumstances is all we have to inspire us to give it 100% and press on to the next day. This movie is a must see!

Lastly I want to say farewell to my late friend James Newberry. My heart is heavy and filled with sadness to lose such an incredibly gentle soul, with an inspiring zest for life. This truly saddens my heart beyond anything I can verbalize right now.

We're all Precious

2009-11-12T20:16:00.000-06:00

Wow...all I can say is wow. This book is brutally graphic, depressing, & slightly uplifting. At times I was forced mentally to put it down and "take a break" to compose myself before reading on, yet the theme of "we're all precious" manages to breakthrough after all trials and battles of this tragedy of a life. This booked has literally changed my heart and my life. It challenged me to open my mind, soul, and every part of my existence at the acceptance of the unacceptable. I think all who embrace this piece of literature in its unapologetic rawness will be impacted for the better.

That's a brief review I wrote on facebook about this book. I am writing about the book Push (which can also be found under the title 'Precious') because it stirred something in my spirit. I've learned when I encounter those moments of influence and impact I need to spread the word. I can't keep it to myself. There's a physical pressure I feel all over my body when I'm talking or thinking of this book. There were a few times while reading where I had to literally put the book down, go in a dark room and just sit. How many times have I walked passed or looked over Precious? She's everywhere, all over this world. Here but not here because to most she's invisible. Just another statistic. I don't think I've ever read a piece of literature so utterly raw. I laughed, cried, laughed a little more...then cried even more while trying to get through this book. I think it's hard for people in general to accept that this is life for some people, possibly people we know ourselves. I don't want you to read this book just so you can cry or feel sorry for this person. I want you to read it in the hopes that it'll open up a part of you that's never been tapped into before. I'm all for loving mankind and spreading love, but this showed me that I am still but a child on this road of life. I saw parts of myself in Precious which really caught me off guard. I never would have thought I'd have ANYTHING in common with an obese, illiterate, sexually abused teenager from Harlem. Now I see any of us can be Precious Jones, any one of us.

back again

2009-11-10T18:37:00.000-06:00

I've been away for awhile...again. The journey of life is never-ending. I've been beaten, bruised, broken, & put together again, continuously seeking the path in life that will give me purpose. A thought that is sticking with me and refusing to let go is to focus on being a better person than I was yesterday. I can't let my downfalls and heartaches turn my soul cold and bitter. Forgiveness, love, & pressing on. My mind is set, I will try harder today to open my heart and mind a little more than I did yesterday.

2009-10-11T22:27:00.001-05:00

New album in stores now!!!

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2009-10-11T22:14:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is Monday and I'm believing with everything I have that this week shall be better than the last. Last week was one of those weeks where everything decided to go wrong all at once. I had to take a couple of days off work to deal with life and re cooperate from the unexpected. Things aren't much better as I write, but I think my outlook plays a huge part in winning the battle. I hope all of you have a great/blessed week. Good night...

-A :)

Family values

2009-10-08T19:42:00.002-05:00

OK, did I say I love Nancy Grace? Haha...and here she goes again with Jon a.k.a. the family values guy.

This is why I love Nancy...

2009-10-07T11:04:00.002-05:00

And this is why I am a Nancy Grace supporter. I know (in the eyes of some) she gets a little carried away at times, which probably understating by a long shot, but she's in-your-face truth and to the point. I've never seen Jon & Kate Plus 8, it's just not my kind of TV. But since they've been on every magazine and all over other media outlets with their marital drama, I've learned a little bit about this show. I won't give my opinions, but I do think this clip of Nancy ripping Jon a new one is hilarious LOL, kudos NG, kudos :)

I Want To Know What Love Is

2009-09-24T18:51:00.004-05:00

Return from burn out

2009-09-14T21:58:00.004-05:00

As most of you know I've been off work for the last week. Gathering my thoughts, soul searching, and everything in between. I returned to work today, and wow what a difference a week makes! Being away from everyone and everything helped me to reemerge with a renewed since of love for my job. I've felt like I've been going through burn out with it for the last month or so. Not that anything about the job has changed, but you know what it's like when you reach a point and say to yourself "I need to take a break to be alone because I'm losing my desire." Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY JOB. For me, it's the only thing I can see myself doing. Animal medicine is embedded into the deepest crevasses of my heart! I dream it, I breath it. To be honest I think I was feeling burn out due to the combination of stress at home, difficult co-workers, & sometimes the demands of the clients just becomes too much. Honestly I was to the point where I dreaded with my whole heart seeing clients (even those with which I'm close to). It seems like the ones that I didn't get along with turned the fire up higher, and those that I cherish most seemed to only want more and more. And it's like what more can I give you without going insane? The only constant factor in the equation was the love for working with animals all day. I don't know what I would do if that love ever left my heart. I can do without all the people that come with the territory, but the animals help complete my existence. Better their lives is my purpose for being placed here.

This morning at 9:00 sharp, I warmly welcomed with two back to back emergency cases. If you don't know, emergency cases are always my favorite because it really tests your strength(s); your emotions, your knowledge, your heart. Often you have to put aside what you've read and listen to what your heart is saying is right for this particular patient. A lot of the time there's no room left for error, and waiting on the help of others isn't an option. The rush of it all is what draws me to emergency cases. The unexpected happening. Who cares if there's blood running how your pants, or if you're getting filthy? Knowing you're caring for someones family member outweighs all personal offenses. I'd rather be drenched in urine, blood, etc. than to tell an owner that their pet has died. It does happen sometimes of course, but at the very least there is some comfort (for me) if I know I did all that could possibly be done, knowing that I gave it my all. I'm just here to say I'm back to my love...let's see what tomorrow brings. Until then, cheers to having a job in this economy. HERE, HERE!

Pressing on

2009-09-11T20:42:00.003-05:00

I'm back, kind of. I've had to take some time away to gain clarity. I am happy to report that things are getting better. I am taking everything a day at time. I felt rather beaten down a lot last month, due to a major attack of negativity. That's life, right? I continue to strive for a better me. Everyday I want to grow stronger, I want to become wiser. Each day I wake I want to try a little harder than the day before to understand the concept of love. It's what motivates me. Love. More than anything I want embrace forgiveness.

Cutting ties with certain family members has brought an indescribable sensation of peace. I continue on my quest for peace. I've found one of the best things one can do in seeking peace is to listen to your heart. Forget what others would say or think, because ultimately it's you who has to live with the decisions that are made.

Better days

2009-08-20T20:10:00.003-05:00

Life is very blah right now. Trying to keep my head above water. Every door that holds a blessing behind it seems to slam in face. I'm just extremely frustrated right now. And I know I should be off somewhere alone gathering my thoughts, but I feel the need to vent! I feel like no matter much of a good or decent person I am, it doesn't matter. I'm tired of sitting around watching those who have hurt or used me get lavished in blessing after blessing. Lord I just want a break in this storm. A break for me to regain my strength. But as Janet Jackson once sang "sometimes life just isn't fair, so why complain nobody cares".

Isabelle's new beginning :)

2009-08-11T07:55:00.002-05:00

For those of you who have been following my Isabelle story, I have great news! After being spayed 2 week ago, she was adopted out Saturday to a really nice family. The couple adopted her for their two boys. She seems very happy to be with her new family & appear to be genuine animal lovers. She was also featured in Sundays Dothan Eagle. Thankfully she was adopted out so fast. She's such a sweet pup. Have a toast to Isabelle's happy ending :)

Time stands still it seems

2009-08-09T22:01:00.005-05:00

Today as I was driving to work to check on a few patients, I had what I can only describe as a "moment". I know it's a very undescriptive word, but it's all I got. I was listening to MJ (Michael Jackson). There's something about his music that relieves my stress. Songs like P.Y.T., Blame It On The Boogie, Rock With You (one of my all time favorites), & the Jackson 5 classic Got To Be There. His talent was on a completely other level that will never be reached again. As I am driving-- windows down, sunroof open, with Billie Jean turned all the way up I am moved to tears. It's almost like I still can't believe that he's gone. We're at almost two months since his passing, and it's still not real. It's like one day I'm able to say OK he's gone-- I got it now, then there's days like today when it feels like a train crashing unexpectingly & abruptly; back to square #1...acceptance. Wow, what a loss.

Thank you

2009-08-01T20:54:00.003-05:00

It's been a few days, but I'm back briefly. I must begin with saying THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone in my corner in any way, shape, or form. I've been laying low over the last week, trying to get things sorted out. The last week has been emotionally draining, so many times I really wanted to just give up. At times I've felt defeated; perhaps this battle just wasn't meant for me to win. When family turns on you, uses you, lies to you, and lies about you, what do you do? Mentally it's all be very unhealthy, and has been for many years. I learned the hard way that throwing a coat of paint over a crumbling house won't fix anything. Also I've come to see that all things in life aren't designed to be fixed. There's a point where the line must be drawn. The starting point is looking out for me. I've played the caretaker long enough. I have no problems doing it alone and parting ways with all of them. They were unhealthy for me anyway. Very sad to say that about "family", I know, but the facts can't be debated.

There's been such a heavy weight on me, which is why I've not responded to emails, phone calls, or text messages. It's one of those things where I am seeking peace in any form I can find it. Right now being alone and keeping a clear and focused mind is helping me, I believe. I will admit that I have some fears about the future, but I'm holding tight to my faith. I know that everything happens for a reason. I've been blessed with such beautiful people to help me be the best I can be in life. I do appreciate you so much, more than I can convey at this moment. As I write tonight I am playing the one song that saved my life, literally. It's titled "Blessed" (by Rachael Lampa). I find it particularly inspiring for it's simple powerful message of knowing that no matter what's going on I'm blessed. No matter what happens I'm blessed. No matter who comes against, turns on me, seeks to harm me, I am still blessed. In 2002 I was put in a situation in which it was get out or die. As I sat alone in the car ready to call it a wrap, my life was nothing and there was nothing worth living for, I heard this song come on the radio. I'd never heard it before, and I wasn't looking for any type of "inspiration", because my mind was made up..."my life is over." Call it what you want, God speaking to me, luck of the draw, or whatever. I firmly believe this song was intricately woven into my life at that moment to help me see the bigger picture; life is so precious, a fragile gift to be cared for like a rare and priceless jewel- don't ever give up no matter what is going on. Though I'm down tonight, I know that I am blessed. I'll hold my head high, and soon...soon I'll be alright. Good night friends. I leave you with some of the lyrics to this precious song.

Love,
-A

I may never climb a mountain so I can see the world from there
I may never ride the waves and taste the salty ocean air
Or build that would last a hundred years
But no matter where the road leads, one thing is always clear

I am blessed, I am blessed
From when I rise up in the morning, till I lay my head to rest
I feel You near me, You sooth me when I'm weary
Lord for all the worst and all the best
I am blessed....

Fly Like A Bird

2009-07-26T00:08:00.004-05:00

OK--

So I said earlier in a blog this month that July represents freedom for me. A lot of negative things took place last July that led me to this point of freedom. As I sit here, I confess that I feel more free in my own skin than I ever have before, but at the same time I feel more imprisoned than ever. It's as though subconsciously I ignore the reality of my major trust issues. They're here, alive and well, but being ignored. I mean I just flat out don't trust most people. I've cut off about 85% of everyone I used to associate with, and some of "cut offs" are probably just the aftermath of the negative force from last year. I think my initial intentions were good and needed in order for me to progress; just get rid of the people who you don't trust. But in doing that I think I started questioning everyone in my life. It's as though I was "looking" for a reason to end friendships. Now my closets inner circle of friends is Teckie (of course), Joan (my ex employer), & my therapist. But I love it, I really do. The small group works for me. I can sleep at night without wondering who is real. If I can't keep these 3 friendships together, then perhaps I'm the problem haha. It's a Friday night and I'm home, by choice, because I'd rather be alone with my pets than be hassled with the hoop la of socializing with unhealthy people. Being put in situations of mental torture of the unveiling of fake people. That brings me back to my original point, though I feel free, I feel more imprisoned than ever. I think I'm not venturing out more because it's a form of protection; I can't be used or rejected if I don't make myself available for people.

I really believe I'm being renewed (slowly) and the ashes of former pain are being washed away. I may never be as social as I once was, I may always have trust issues, who knows? I don't think the people who tried to break me realize or care that their selfishness has left me with an almost incomparable complex. Most of the time just knowing that is my inspiration to enjoy my life more than ever, choosing to not let them rob me of another moment of joy that belongs to me! I leave you tonight with some of the lyrics from the Mariah Carey song "Fly Like A Bird" that helped to comfort me and bring me through that hard time...I still have to lean on these words a lot of days...

Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now Lord, carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home

Minor details

2009-07-22T19:20:00.003-05:00

In the hustle of every day life it's easy to forget the little things. Taking notice to the minor details that help to form the big picture is so often not even noticed. I've said many times that I am blessed to have a job that I love. I don't work in this field because I have to. I do it because it's my love, my passion, & my heart. I haven't vacationed since December 2008, so I've been feeling a little burned out lately. Working with animals is a breeze but when you factor in owners, co-workers, & corporate it can all become exhausting. I've become to wrapped in me to be frank. You know the whole woe-is-me saga --"What about ME! What about ME! what about ME!" Shame on me! Really I should be ashamed. Once again God sends me little reminders that there's a bigger purpose to my life and working. Something bigger than my own personal satisfaction. Helping animals, helping their owners, building a trusting relationship that makes each person feel as though their pet is receiving the best care possible. That should be my focus. But I confess that in my "burn out" and "exhaustion" I've spent a lot time griping & complaining about small things. I am at a point where I would much rather do treatment and prevention, and avoid going into rooms and interacting with the owners (clients). I call it people burn out. I love the animals...but the people??? Not so much haha. I'm only kidding, but you know what I'm trying to say! People talk too much, they're too demanding, & a lot of them are just mean for no reason!

OK I am spiraling now. Back to the point, over the last two weeks I've been given a reminder that it's not about me! Blow to my ego huh? The owners of one of my favorite patients, mailed a card to the hospital for me. In the card they told me how much they appreciated my devotion to their pet and family. This really made me smile, because the Lord knows that particular day was one of those when I wanted to give up. But the story that makes me weep for joy of good hearts comes from another client. This past Monday at work was beyond busy. We were all aggravated, stressed, & exhausted, but around 5:00 I noticed one of my clients waiting in a long line at the reception area. I knew she was there to see me, but I thought "she's going to have to just wait because I'm too busy to bothered with her." Very selfish of me, I know. I've beat myself up about it every day since. After waiting around 35 minutes, it was their turn to see me. I called her (and her two sons) into an exam room. The whole time wondering "wait, where's your dog?" They weren't there to see me with any medical questions or issues, instead they brought me two watermelons. She told me she remembered me saying once that I love watermelon. She went on to say they didn't have much financially, but in their backyard they had a small garden of watermelon. It really touched my heart because I know how much it meant to her to bring those to me. To be honest I had forgotten that in one of our random chats that I mentioned how much I love watermelon. It also reminded me that no matter how little we have, God still shows us ways to give & show love. Minor details can be made into a major impact. God bless them. Their act of love, humility, & gratefulness will forever have an imprint on my heart. Sure this means nothing to a lot of people, but I see the bigger picture.

Isabelle update

2009-07-16T21:52:00.002-05:00

Here's Isabelle, after finding her emaciated 2 months ago. She's become such a sweet and playful dog. I am still actively looking for her a home, only because I am overrun with pets haha. She & my Yorkie (Gibby) have bonded the most out of the whole crew. These pictures are from earlier today. Growing stronger everyday. Good night friends.

-A

Speaking of love...

2009-07-14T22:43:00.002-05:00

I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes on love. I find a deeper level of inspiration when I embrace the beauty of these words, speaking of love and it's power.

"love never fails, love is true, loves the one that can always change you" S. Orrico

"if I give all I possess to the poor and the helpless, I'll still gain nothing without love" S. Orrico

"I believe in love, I believe in peace" -C. Lewis

"Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas" D. Evans

"Where there is love there is life" -GANDHI

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread" -Mother Theresa

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver" - B. DE ANGELIS

"We need not think alike to love alike" -F. David

"With Gods love you'll survive" -M. Carey

"I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear" -O. Winfrey

Be inspired too friends, go out and love, love, love until you take your last breath.

I didn't know my own strength

2009-07-13T20:05:00.002-05:00

Today was my regular therapy session. I always look forward to the Mondays I'm scheduled to go, I can't believe I've been going for 10 months now. I have no choice but to look back and laugh at my "plan". The original plan being, to go for about 6 months, then come out completely restored, stronger than ever, never needing anyone --haha. What a joke right? I am still going every other week, because through therapy and talking things out I've (unknowingly) been placed on a journey of finding myself. This was particularly funny because I thought I knew myself. Another joke. It took being used, abused, & abandoned to make me seek help. Today that hurt no longer controls me, because I learned the simple truth that "we take the hits and move on." I find myself more thankful for those situations that led to the realization of what dangerous friendships I was in. That one night where my heart was laid vulnerably before my perpetrators. And though they're all wrong for their part, I find solace in knowing the Lord had a lesson to teach me. Placing all my faith and hope in a person or a group of people is a no-no. After they all turned their backs I had only God and my best friend (Teckie) to rely on. It's a priceless lesson. My heart is still covered in scars, and I find myself not trusting people with ease anymore, but they couldn't take the love out of me. I still believe love is the movement & act that impacts life more than anything else. I've decided nothing will ever take my hearts song. I believe in love, plain and simple. No matter the hurt and scars I refuse to let go of my passion for the love of humanity. Love is something we all need. Love is one of the few things we can give freely without any conditions. Here's to freedom! July in more ways than one symbolizes freedom for me; free country, free heart, free love, free to live life and make an impact.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADISON:)

2009-07-12T22:08:00.005-05:00

Very good weekend. I worked all day Saturday. We're weren't terribly busy, things moved at a manageable pace and I for one am thankful for that! Saturday was also my precious Madison's 6th birthday. I can't believe she's been with me for 6 years already! It just doesn't seem real. I love her to death though she packs more attitude than the world allows, I wouldn't take her any other way. She has me trained to her liking...yes that's right, I admit she has me trained LOL. I hate I had to work on her special day, but I think she forgave me once I brought home some of her favorite treats (Dingos). Since I had today off we officially celebrated her birthday with her siblings Jack, Isabelle, & Gibby. Of course because she's Maddie, she wasn't fond of sharing her treats. God I am so blessed. I couldn't picture my life without the company of furry four legged children :)

Michael Jackson memorial service at the Staples Center

2009-07-07T19:49:00.002-05:00

Today has been an emotional day for millions of us throughout the world. I watched the memorial service for the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. It was executed with perfection, in true Michael Jackson fashion. Hearing the choir sing "Soon And Very Soon" as his casket was brought in by his surviving brothers made me cry. In that moment it hit me. This is real, he's really gone. I'm not sure what it was. The site of the casket, his mourning family, or the somberness flowing around the world today. As I watched Mariah deliver a choked up, emotionally drenched rendition of "I'll Be There" I couldn't help but to weep. The tribute was appropriate, only focusing on the beautiful person who loved the world and gave so much of himself to help improve the lives of others. I believe that where a persons heart resides, is what we should focus on. How can you not love someone who has heart full of love, compassion, & inspiration? I will forever be inspired by Michael's fighter spirit. Though he was ridiculed, ostracized, & abandoned by many he still remained true to his "heart song" of loving, giving, and loving even harder. Through love we can accomplish anything, for love is the seed that gives life to life. We have his music to continue inspiring us everyday, but still we'll weep, for a true star has fallen.

As I sit here and reflect on his life and today's memorial service I weep even more. For different reasons now that I've calm down from the service. I weep not because we (the public, the fans) have lost an idol, but I weep for his innocent children. At 7, 11, & 12 I wonder how they're coping...do they understand all that has happened? Seeing Michael's daughter briefly speak of what a great father he was tells me all I need to know. He was a great man. I hate seeing children in distress, my heart literally felt a jolt of pain as she broke down in telling the world of how much she missed her father. I think the moment that really broke me in two was seeing the youngest son (Blanket) weep endless tears as his older sister sobbed. Children are the most pure thing this world has to offer, and to see their emotions on display before the world was heart wrenching. God bless them. Say a prayer for them.

Man in the mirror

2009-07-06T21:29:00.003-05:00

It's been a long, long, long day and now I'm preparing for bed. I have some of my favorite Michael Jackson songs playing. I am still deeply upset by this whole tragedy. I've tried to stay away from mainstream media because I knew without a doubt that his name would be trashed during this time of sorrow. He lived a very sad & lonely life filled with a bunch of leeches. Every time I think of it, it brings a dark shadow of pity to my soul. The man loved by millions, was probably the loneliness of us all. I couldn't imagine being surrounded by hundreds of people, most of which I felt couldn't be trusted. That alone would drive me mad. Maybe now in his untimely death Michael can finally get some peace. Forever gone are the worries of this life. Tomorrow is his memorial service. I'm hoping this will bring about the beginning of some closure and acceptance of everything. I still get chills when I hear "the king is dead". It's just one of those things you never really think will happen.

I pray that along side his undeniable musical influence, he leaves a legacy of IMPACT for mankind. His humanitarian efforts will forever inspire me. The best place to start with making a change is with the 'man in the mirror'. God what a message he had in that song. This is a sad, sad time. God bless. RIP MJ...

Another part of me

2009-07-05T21:19:00.003-05:00

HAPPY 4TH of JULY!!! Let's celebrate life and the freedom we have in the United States! I love holidays and movements that promote and represent freedom. This weekend has been rather calm, but still a lot of fun. I've been busy working, but I love it so I'm not complaining. Therapy went great last week. I feel like we're still getting so much accomplished in my life. Everyday I am seeing all the blessings I have in life more and more. This month is particularly special for me, because it represents my personal freedom. At this same point last year most of my blogs were pretty bleak. Someone that I loved, adored, & held in high admiration betrayed me, publicly humiliated me, and left me lost and confused. In retrospect I look at the situation in the light of positivity. Through the drama, I found out who my real friends were, I learned to not be co-dependent on anyone, & the most valuable lesson of them all was that I needed to embrace myself. I set out on the journey of discovering who Antonio is; the real me that resides under the rumble of brokenness. A year later I stand here, more confident than ever before; continuing to watch myself grow. Watching the wounds of the past slowly callus over, leaving thicker, more well rounded skin that can withstand much more than before.

This month I'd like to post blogs of inspiration based on the lessons I learned over the last year. It's a celebration of life! I still live with Teckie's infamous words of wisdom in my heart, "we take the hits and move on" (go back and read that one). I still remember reading that line in an email she sent me in response to all the negativity I had going on in my life. And it's so true, we have to take the hits and move on! There's really no other choice, except to give up on life, and that's no option for me! Once again, celebrate your life and your freedom. Good night.

Antonio

Napoleon complex

2009-07-01T11:00:00.004-05:00

Bullies are very annoying to me. I don't tolerate bullying from anyone. There's something in me that is easily angered when I see someone else being bullied. I would rather someone try to bully me instead, because I know I can hold my own. My therapist has told me over and over again "it's not your responsibility to protect everyone." But by the same token I feel that it's natural for me to speak up for those who are too afraid to speak for themselves. Right now I know someone who is being picked on/bothered without just cause, and frankly it's pisses me off. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that the "bullies" see this person as the 'weaker' vessel. How sad it is that one persons esteem can be beaten so badly that they fear taking a stand and (rightfully) taking up for themselves.

I'm no fool, I understand a lot of my anger issues with bullies initially comes from my childhood. I never had anyone to stand up for me, so my options were simple: let everyone walk over me or stand firm against anyone who tries bringing me down. I remember many times standing up against my mother, her boyfriends, bullies at school. Even if I was scared to death, trembling inside, I never showed fear or that I may have been intimidated. One of the earliest lessons I learned in life, is that when you show fear it gives the bully control. So even if you're shaking in your boots, you still lock eyes with that pathetic trash, and speak firmly and make it known that you're not budging. I've been attacked with intimidation tactics, verbal insults, public embarrassment, etc. But I think when it's all said and done people genuinely appreciate a person who is willing to take a stand. I could write a book of all the mean, malicious, & vindictive assaults I endured as a child. I choose to focus on the fact that I'm still standing and none of those people won control of my life.

I have on other choice but to be there for the less fortunate. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of someone being bullied. Most bullies have a Napoleon complex anyway. Not really sure of themselves, afraid inside because of the assortment of issues they refuse to deal with. Those of you who know me, understand I feel about doing the right thing. Please say a little prayer that I am able to convey the point without having to take it too far LOL....we'll see! Have a good day everyone!

The ultimate freedom

2009-06-28T08:34:00.002-05:00

It has taken me a few days to get to this one. I've been in disbelief, really. My heart is filled with a genuine sadness for Michael Jackson, someone that I always felt was gentle spirit. A very misunderstood person. As someone who has always been a huge fan of his music and humanitarian efforts I can't help but feel an emptiness, knowing he's gone forever. Music wouldn't be what it is today without his influence. It'll be hard to find one active recording artist today who in someone hasn't been (musically) inspired/influenced by Michael. I believe that we all got a tiny glimpse into his heart with songs like We Are The World, Man In The Mirror, Heal The World, and even the song Ben. A caring person, one of peace, one who yearned to heal a broken world and unite people.

In a way I find solace in his death because he can finally rest. The rumors don't matter anymore, the pain of a non existent childhood won't haunt him anymore. He's reached the ultimate peak of freedom. I've always felt or had the impression that apart from his undeniable talent, the person residing inside was a very sad, lonely, & scared person. I think that's why his death really upset me. He never quiet seemed to fit or get that chance at being "normal". Now he can finally rest and not worry. I pray for his family and the other fans. Music has truly lost a brilliant genius.

Love is the first step to restoration

2009-06-24T21:55:00.004-05:00

I want to begin with making a statement from my heart: Love will never fail! I believe with everything in me that where there is love there's no room for failure. Lately with all that has been going on in my personal life and things I've shared on this blog, I've come to the recurring conclusion, it all boils down to love. Just accept it. Tonight I was reading the "love chapter", in 1st Corinthians. It's always been among my favorite passages from the bible, because despite what faith we believe in there's one thing that unites us all. Love. Understanding and practicing love has been a lifelong journey. When I think I've got it figured out, I am faced with the reminder that I am still but a child in this world trying to find my way. Here I am again hanging on to hope of love.

Those who have wronged me, used me, talked about me, purposely inflicted pain in my life, I would still like to still practice the act of love towards them. Of course, this is where I fail the most. Once you've crossed me, I usually hold it deep in my heart. When I'm hurt in any manner I tend to withdraw, because with betrayal comes a deep pain. In order to not experience that pain, most of us choose to become totally self reliant. In many ways it does protect us. But I've found that if you become too withdrawn because of past hurts, ice sheaths around your heart, and it blocks you from expressing love and compassion. And I don't want to live a life that lacks in love and compassion. Those are fundamental building blocks to living a happy, successful, & meaningful life -in my opinion. I want the atmosphere around me to reek of love. Without taking things overboard, I want to practice love until the day I'm called home. There must be balance. I don't think we're supposed to live a life that is devoted solely to ourselves, nor should we devote our life to trying to make everyone happy. I'll be the first to draw the line when I think people are viewing me as a doormat.

You can do all the good in the world, but without having love in your heart it amounts to nothing. I am fortunate to be in a position of doing a job that I have a true love for. So on a daily basis I get the chance to practice love. The job isn't always pretty, that's for sure, but because I love it and it's my hearts love to help enrich and improve the lives of animals and their families. Practicing love in that respect is a breeze for me. But I've become callused to the act of love when it comes to those who have wronged me. I've been tested many times, and failed each time because I find it almost impossible to practice love with someone who has hurt me. But there's a message in 1st Corinthians that speaks louder than any other movement in this world, LOVE IS WHAT WE ALL NEED! Not a judgmental love, but rather a love that says I'm here for you, plain and simple. To stop loving someone because you don't see eye to eye is shameful. I must stop here and say I am so thankful and grateful for having special people in my life (though they are few) who practice this kind of love with me. You know who you are, thank you :) But the point I am trying to make is we should all put a premium on love. Everyday let's practice love. Especially on those days when it seems like we could care less about love. Turn the heat up and love harder!

I'll keep you posted on how this movement goes for me...I may be ready to throw the towel in by next week haha.

Good night,
-A

You're all I know, I can't let go

2009-06-19T23:21:00.003-05:00

I'm having a situation where a part of my "past" is trying to come back in my life. Though I should know better, I've been battling (in my mind) what I should do. Clearly this shouldn't be an issue. The answer is plain and simple: WALK AWAY AND STAY AWAY!!! STAY FAR AWAY! For the last 4 months I've realized and 'accepted' the fact that there needs to be no more "we" or "us". Well, I say I've 'accepted' that fact, but here I am pondering where to go with the situation. So I use the word loosely. Losing or parting company with someone 'special' to you is a hard thing to do. Trust me I went through many nights trying to figure out what I could do to save things. Then the answer finally hit me, after weeks of deliberating with angel and devil on each of my shoulders. There was nothing I could do but move on and accept that "our" season had run it's course. Dang, there goes that word 'accept'...again. Looks like I need to go back to square one and study the definition. Now here I am months later, new and improved, loving life; completely moved on (or so I thought). When this person decides to acknowledge me, again. Being forgotten is something I've grown to live with. A lot of 'friends' have seemed to master the forgetting part of our friendship rather well. But my mind continues to play games, finding reasons to defend the one who in many ways used me, just took me for granted. This game is sick. My mind should (naturally) defend ME! The fact that I was a good, true, & faithful person/friend the entire time, a person who didn't deserve to be forgotten is what my mind should cry out. Instead I'm tortured with the good memories, the fun times, we private times in which I learned so much about this person that completely stole my heart. I am guilty of giving advice that I, myself, don't always practice in my own life. I won't be used anymore, by anyone. I guess I should give myself the advice I'd give anyone else in this situation: grow a pair and have some respect for yourself, please!

Obsessed

2009-06-17T13:23:00.006-05:00

The reviews are in and it's official Mariah is back! Her new lead single obsessed from the forthcoming album Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel hit radio airwaves yesterday. Most of her (harshest) critics are giving this song credit for it's approach at staying "current", while remaining a signature Mariah track. Either way, the song is making it's rounds. In less than 24 hours the song has become a hit at radio. Already being hailed as the "2009 summer anthem". Do yourselves a favor and add this one to your iPod :)

2 reasons

2009-06-10T21:57:00.005-05:00

I enjoyed my day off. I got a lot of house work accomplished. I am getting so used to having Wednesdays off (thanks Dr. Bragg:) You're the BEST!!! OK, so that was the epitome of pretentiousness haha. I do it all in good fun this time, I promise. I think the more we learn to not take ourselves or life too seriously, we'll enter a realm of serene pleasure. The feud with her will live on forever, because I do not like her, and she doesn't like me; furthermore, I (personally speaking) have accepted the fact that we don't like each other. I prefer it that way, then there's no confusion.

Anyway, I'm not about to do a 'bleak' post about any sort of drama. I am super excited for two reasons: 1) Mariah's new single "Obsessed" will be released to radio next Tuesday (June 16th). For those who know me, every time Mariah releases new material it's like Christmas for me. Takes me back to being a kid. This of course means I'll have to be in NYC when she shuts the city down. 2) Tomorrow is game 4 of the NBA finals! The Lakers vs. Magics; no question I am all for the Lakers! I think the world of Kobe Bryant, just on personal level I think he's pure talent - the best! Watching him on the court is like nothing else. You can compare it to watching Michael Phelps in the water. I mean he's just a complete phenomenon on the court. A true sports icon, he'll live on in history forever. The Lakers won the first 2 games of the finals, but lost game 3, so tomorrow I am really going to be pulling for my team. Nothing but serenity in my life, for now. I am going to take it for all it's worth! Good night everyone...

Vacation time is approaching

2009-06-07T13:06:00.002-05:00

Today is a beautiful Sunday. I have the window up in my room, allowing the lulling breezing to waft in the natural aromas of the spring weather. Work has been extremely busy the last two days, busier than normal. I'm not complaining though, we live in tough times and having a job is blessing. So having a good job gives me even more of a reason to be thankful. I want to put a premium on finding balance in life. I think working is great, but it has consumed my life consistently since the start of the year. I haven't taken a vacation and haven't really put much thought into taking one. But I know a thing or two about burn out. For me, it usually happens when I don't take a little time for myself. I need to find some time just for me to enjoy myself without it involving work. I could work with animal medicine and treatment everyday of my life. Through therapy I've learned that even though I love the job, making it my life 24/7 isn't healthy either. So my pledge is that within the next month I will have a solid vacation plan-SET IN STONE! Wish me luck!

Precious

2009-06-02T23:54:00.002-05:00

"Bye Bye" (by Mariah Carey) is playing in the background as I am posting. Not intentional by any means. I've got my iPod on shuffle, but for what it's worth, the song is very fitting for this moment in time. Today was by far one of the saddest days of my life. On my way home from work I received a message from Bradley's mother (Lorie) to please call her ASAP. I was sure the message was linked to their 13 year old Lab, Precious. Over the last year her health has been declining steadily. I've treated her with every form of medical attention I knew possible. She'd been a real fighter, vigorous until the end. When I went to the house to see her for myself, my heart instantly sank to my gut. My hope dissipated at the site of her. Seeing her unable to walk or control her back end was painful. I was faced with the one question I hate more than anything, "is it time?" I'm not good at making that call, ever. Seeing her worn condition though, I knew in my heart it would be wrong to make her endure more suffering beyond this point.

The drive to Banfield was long and silent. Even though I knew what was coming, I don't think I fully realized it until we were in the exam room. Thank God for Christina & Dr. Sonmor. There was no way I could have done it without them. Though I've had my issues with Bradley, in that moment none of it matter. When life and death enters the scene, it takes center stage over all other matters. Seeing Christina hold off Precious' vein as the euthanasia solution was injected broke my heart. Watching her body give way was surreal. The day I'd dreaded was staring me in the face, taking a life, and making no apologies. Inside I was screaming "Stop, stop!!! Let's think of what else we can do! This isn't the time!" Even though I knew it my heart there was nothing else we could do. As Dr. Sonmor said, "this is the last nice thing we do for her, end her suffering." I've built such a connection with her over the years. Saying goodbye was much harder than I anticipated. The special thing about a dog, is the loyalty they have, no matter how bad a person treats you, they will still love you. No matter if your best friend forgets you, they won't. That's what I think of when I think of Precious. The loyalty she had. In her eyes I could see that she knew her pain was about to end. God it hurts so much knowing that it's over now. I pray for peace and closure for her family. I can only imagine the pain they're feeling right now, knowing she's not coming back. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. Animal lovers know how much it hurts when we lose one of our furry friends.

You can rest now Precious. You're suffering is over. Sleep now...

Peace in my heart

2009-06-01T22:31:00.003-05:00

I'm laying in bed, blogging from the iPod (this gadget is so useful in more ways than I imagined). Everything has returned to normal at work. I'm still standing after all is said and done. I no longer work with the person who brought so much stress into my life. It wasn't my choice for things to work out this way, personally I will take on the challenge. She couldn't deal with an honest person who believes in the oath of the medical profession: do no harm.

I thank the Lord for giving me this love that resides in every fiber of me. Animals are my heart and my true love. Once again I must say that I am more than thankful for the support of my clients. The really make me feel appreciated. Especially during these last few (rough) weeks. After all, they trust me to take care of their "kids". I want to have a bonded relationship with them, in a way I see them as extended family.

I rejoice that this battle is over. I know more storms are brewing...and there will come a time when they'll attack. I hope to be prepared, or at the very least remained firm in who I am. I think that's a key component in being successful; being true to yourself no matter who or what come against you. I have an optimism in my heart that tells me I'll be OK. For now now I'm going to press on and seek peace. It's a never-ending quest, but I'll keep on this road until I breathe no more.

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

2009-05-29T17:08:00.003-05:00

Last week I purchased the DVD The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Let me just stop and say WOW! This movie possesses all the pure, authentic entertainment that most films today simply lack. Not that I'm surprised, I mean it does star Brad Pitt. It's hard to be let down with a Pitt film.

The movie tells the life story of Benjamin Button, who was born old, but as his life progresses he grows younger. Very interesting concept, but rest assured it works perfectly. This is the first film I've been able to form a special bond with in a long time. I found myself sharing emotions with Benjamin as his life went through the typical ups and downs. Except his ups and downs weren't exactly "typical", seeing that he ages backwards. If you're a fan of the long epic films, as I am then you will really enjoy this movie. The director and producers don't worry about editing the film to be exactly 90 mins, for the sake of Hollywood. Long, in-depth movies are always the best! If you haven't seen the movie yet, I advise that you go out TODAY and get it:)

Regrouping

2009-05-28T21:08:00.003-05:00

I had a much better day today. In fact it's been the best day since last Saturday. I am so fortunate to have such devoted clients. Very special people who see my heart for the job. Today one of those clients in particular really made my day. She wrote one of the nicest letters I've ever received giving her opinion of my service to her family & pets. On those dark days filled with loneliness I draw strength from those sentiments. I am still spending a lot of time alone, not because of the bitter person who tried to ruin me. I am spending time alone because I believe when someone attempts to weaken you by interfering with something you love you must fight full force. Once that fight is over you must regroup and level yourself again. In the midst of ciaos it's easy to "lose sight" of who we are. You become so consumed with the ensuing battle. Now that I've come out victorious I am now reflecting on all that happened. I have no question in my head that this person will (again) at some point try to attack me. And I must be ready. Evil malicious people operate that way; lurking and waiting to take you by surprise when they think you've let your guard down. I find it troubling to have met someone with such an inferiority complex that they would stoop to such low levels. Luckily I didn't start playing that game, because I know "karma is a bitch"...and no matter what we think, payback comes to those who are due.

Now the state of mind I'm in is relaxation. I fought the enemy. I have been so consumed with remaining focused that I've but abandoned life. I haven't been returning calls, email, text; that just isn't me. It's physically draining in situations like this. Give me a few days and I'll return to normal, just let me re coop. Thank God the weekend is only hours away:)

Good night all,
Antonio

Update

2009-05-27T18:02:00.003-05:00

Thanks to my friends who have been with me and praying for me during this madness. I can't wait until I can actually tell you what has happened and what's going on. Unfortunately because things are in the process of being handled, I can't say much, other than I have a really negative person who is coming against me. I am relying heavily on my character and reputation to outshine this negativity and maliciousness produced by one bitter individual. No matter what happens, I know I'll be OK...don't worry:)

Great news, Renee Jone is going to take Isabelle for me and find her a good home. It's bitter sweet because I've grown attached to her, but I keep reminding myself there are so many others out there who need help, just like Isabelle. Renee only accepts 'bully' breeds in her rescue organization. That makes me feel good about letting her adopt out Isabelle. She'll spend 8 weeks training her, and will only adopt her to someone who is going to provide the perfect home. Sometime with the next 2 weeks she will take her from me. I am happy that I found Isabelle, it's been so great to watch her bloom and turn into such a sweet playful puppy.

battles in life

2009-05-26T08:04:00.004-05:00

I am in a situation at work where someone is really coming against me. Let her try and try to ruin me, I'll remain firm and strong. My strength really shows up when I'm pushed. I won't bow or weaken. I don't know what will come of everything, but when war has been waged I fight with a whole heart. Intimidation tactics in no way make me feel inferior. I believe by staying true to myself and believing that truth will prevail I will see some justice come from this situation. But know this, I won't give up. It's not in me.

Smile and breathe

2009-05-24T21:32:00.003-05:00

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I've always felt that way. If you're going to have the nerve to say something about someone then be willing to stand tall when the heat is turned up. I say this because Saturday at work I was put in a position of compromising my integrity, something I will never do. I said many, many mean (but all 100% true) hurtful, offensive things to one of my co-workers. The "fill-in" doctor to be specific. I don't regret one word of what I said, given the chance to relive the whole thing I would have said the same thing and then some. She is someone who I do have respect for on a professional level. She's a wanna-be bully who can't deal with it when she meets someone who is ready and willing to chop her down to size. I've never liked bullies. Aside from my personal disgust I think she's an embarrassment to all of us in any medical profession. I won't go on a rant because she's not worth the time or energy it takes to put into it. I feel better now that I've (yet again) made it known that I don't take to anyone trying to 'bully' or control me.
Respect is something that you give in order to recieve it. I think disrespect works in the same way. You give it out then you should expect it in return. I'm not sure exactly what goes on from here. Obviously my career at Banfield is jeopardy, but still I stand behind what I said. Tomorrow will come...and what will be, will be. More updates will follow after tomorrow, and once I've had a chance to process my thoughts. Until then, good night :)

-Antonio

Memoirs of an imperfect angel

2009-05-22T14:19:00.003-05:00

I've had this blog for a year now. I am so happy that I started it because it has served as a memoir of my growth, or lack there of (to some). Taking a moment to stop, think, and reflect on the last year of my life makes me even more thankful for the gift of life. The last 12 months have been far from the easiest, but no matter what happened I feel like I have a much better perception of life. The biggest issue over the last year of course was abandonment. Having those that I trusted and loved most turn their backs on me set me free. I didn't know this at the time, but I was being emancipated; I was being allowed to seek my own peace and inner freedom. I began to see that I was going to have to learn to survive alone in this cold world, or just give up. Once I got a true taste of walking alone I began to accept myself, for who I am. I don't think anything or anyone could have made me understand the importance of going at it alone. Looking back on it all, I spent many days and nights alone, thinking of what I did wrong? Why me? What can I do to save these friendships? The answer was simple: THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. Trying to save and revive something that is done with in your life is losing battle (take it from me.) Everything has it's season, once it's done just let it go. It only causes more damage when you try to hold on. Naturally I bore much anger towards those who betrayed and neglected me. Now I have come to a point where I have forgiven each and every person who I felt left me without just cause. I've learned forgiveness is powerful.

Making a "comeback" from the pit I was in is what makes me smile today. At a certain point I had to decide to stop with the pity party and stand up and start on the journey. I gained so much clarity in the silence that came with being one with myself. I saw that all I needed was God when it's all said and done. No friend on earth could lead and guide me back to restoration. I am blessed because I had Teckie who remained with me during that time. For those days that I wanted to crumble in defeat, I had her standing firm ensuring me that there's no problem too big for me to overcome. I heard two special quotes during that time that will forever remain with me. Teckie wrote me one day and in the email one line stood out in particular, "We take the hits and move on". Almost instantly it hit me! It was one of those moments where you stop crying and say "I GET IT! I CAN DO THIS!" Very simple but powerful, we all take hits in life, and there's only one thing to do once we're hit, take it and move on! If you let the hits derail you then you'll never make it in this life. The second quote I heard was from Joyce Meyer, "once you've done all you can, there's nothing to do but stand." That one is special to me because it brings me to today. After all that has happened in my life, I think the person I am today is a testament to faith and the will to survive. My testimony in life will always be "I'm still standing". No matter what hits and knocks I took, I'm still here, I'm still standing.

Through the winds and rains I'm still standing. There will be many battles ahead, I'm sure of this. But peace will now and forever reign as the umpire in my life. Gossip, backstabbing, hatred, bitterness, anger, and all the other sick elements that are apart of mankind today will come my way. But my stance will remain strong and the story will have the same ending every time until the day I go home...

I'm still standing

I'm home

2009-05-12T21:19:00.003-05:00

The picture above is my desktop background. I have it there, so that everyday as I am on and off my computer I can see it as a reminder. Oh how ungrateful I can be at times, concerned with only with myself and my needs. But seeing that picture really yanks the slack out of my back to make me stand up straight. It's no secret how I feel about Barack Obama. I've called him one of my living heroes since I learned of his existence 4 years ago. There is something in him that evokes change! His presence inspires me to give my all even when I don't feel like it; the will to continue climbing the mountains of life even when it seems like I'm a thousand miles from the top. I've cried those tears along with him. Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of struggle, tears of shame, tears of guilt, but most importantly tears of triumph; the spirit of a true fighter. I'm inspired and encouraged by his life, overcoming racial barriers to lead a nation. Whenever I see that picture of him crying two old biblical passages come to mind "the last will be first" (Matthew 19:30) and "those who sow in tears will reap songs of joy" (Psalm 126:5) I wish I could explain the depth of those verses. Wow how powerful! As an African American I find another level of inspiration in accomplishments. I feel like Whoopi Goldberg's mother summed up what so many of us felt when it was announced that he was the 44th President, she said "I finally felt I was home, I could put my bags down and stop running". I wasn't alive or around for all the early racial movements and advancements in accepting everyone of every color. But in so many ways within my soul I understood exactly what she meant. So many people gave their lives for this day to come. I can't begin to put in to words how deeply moved I am to see him mark such a significant change the history of the world. I think he's a beacon of hope in some truly dark times. He represents equality for all men and that gives me hope for tomorrow.

Isabelle

2009-05-10T14:36:00.003-05:00

On my way home from work Friday I saw this thin, poor, lugubrious dog walking across the road. It looked like it was taking all of her energy to make it to the side of the road. I stopped to check and see if she had a collar or tags. Looking in her eyes really melted my heart. She looked at me like she had given up hope, as though she didn't care if she lived or died. I can't deal with seeing dogs or cats who have no way out. I've said it before but I truly can't understand any human who dumps (abandons) their pet! This poor pup was on a desolate road with no houses near by and no obvious means to find food or shelter. I could only think of how worn out she must have felt, it was 90 degrees outside and I could see every rib in her body. It didn't take much luring to get to come to me. Cowering in timidy she edged closer and closer to me. Her body practically went limp when I lifted her to put her in the car. For the rest of half hour drive to my house she rested her head in my lap; exhausted from trying to survive alone I'm sure.

Once we made it home, I immediately gave her some water and food. Watching her eat broke my heart, seeing how starved she was. She had loads of fleas on her and a few ticks, so I had to bathe her. That was fun haha watching this weak frail dog wear me out in tub. I don't think she had ever had a bath, I washed heaps of dirt and grit off of her. Her name now is Isabelle. Don't ask where I got the name from, I've been calling her that since I put her in the car. She has such a gentle spirit and is very easy going, it just seems like it fit her perfectly. She's been with me for 3 days now and she is getting better everyday. I think she's just enjoying the fact that she has food and shelter. I am happy she can enjoy her life now. I will never let her know what it feels like to be abandoned and unloved again.

I can only assume that at some point she was loved as a little puppy. Aren't they all so cute??? But what made her owners (her protectors) stop loving her? Did that cute little puppy start chewing on things too much? Did she bark too much? Would she not house train? Or was she simply no longer that cute little puppy anymore? Really what warrants dumping her off in the middle of nowhere? She's roughly between 8 to 14 months, and has already been bred. How sad to take away her carefree youthfulness. Karma does exist! Whoever is responsible for leaving her in those conditions will have to answer to a higher power.

My hope is to get her completely healthy and then adopt her out the perfect home. I've already spoke with a few people about helping me with this. I am already growing more fodn of her with each day. How could I not? If I can't find someone who is willing to take on such a special pup, then she'll remain with me forever.

Rest your head now sweet Isabelle, the struggle is over. I promise.

Renew your mind

2009-05-06T22:19:00.003-05:00

There's something about new beginnings. That freshness and clarity that comes with cleaning up our minds. By cleaning up my mind I've found there's a person that I lost somewhere along the way many, many years ago. I am not proud of a lot of things I've done or how I've chosen to handle myself in certain situations. At times I've forfeited my character and integrity for social approval. That is something that I am ashamed of now. I've learned that my character is what matters in life. My character speaks louder for methan any other element in this life. People remember your character before they remember what you wore, who you dated, or where you've been. Character is the foundation of who we are. It represents the person I really am when the lights are out and no one is around; stripped bare -exposing all the imperfections, fears, & hopes for my life. Too much focus has been put on people and things that in the end won't matter. I heard a qoute a few years ago by Joyce Meyer that has stuck with me, "don't give up your future by holding on to the past". I get what she means. THERE COMES A TIME TO LET GO AND MOVE ON!!! I can't make it to my future if I'm not willing to move. I can hold myself back from all the future has in store, by choosing to stay stuck in past victories and failures. I admit that the biggest area in my life where I've struggled with moving on is my (un)willingness to let certain people go. Thankfully in 2009 it hasn't been much of an issue. To be honest I probably got a little to excited about moving on and cutting people off. Either way, I've all but started over comepletely. New friends, new dreams, new goals...a new mindset.

Turn the other cheek

2009-04-27T21:51:00.003-05:00

Time has taught me that I often experience my sweetest victories by relaxing, moving on with life, not seeking vengeance; leaving my foes to destroy themselves. Why waste time plotting and planning the demise of another??? Justice is always served. Know that. I try to always keep that in mind. It's true that we should treat others how we ourselves want to be treated. Karma does exist, and I firmly believe in it. Though I must admit, it is usually very tempting for me to release my "wrath" on anyone who wrongs me. Thankfully time has taken the foolishness out of me, and produced a fairly wise being. Now it is much easier for me to say "I wish you well" and actually mean it. I am almost embarrassed to admit how long it took me to get to this point. But how nice it feels (sometimes) when I know that I'm raining on the parade of someone who's deserving of it. You know sometimes it like Jekyll and Hyde??? Part of you says "yeah give 'em all you got, ruin him!", but then the 'good' me says "they'll pay eventually just let it go". Haha, sometimes I swear it's like a comedy show when I stop and listen to my thoughts. But take it from me, I have learned, it's better to let it go. The enemy will eventually hang himself for all to see.

Be your own friend, not mine...please

2009-04-24T21:07:00.002-05:00

I think too often we (us as a human race) throw around the words "friend" and "love" like they're nothing more than just words. You know like they're just "page fillers" or something. It's offensive, even borderline blasphemy in my eyes. How dare you use those words like they're merely thoughtless words to be used when describing just anyone. Can I just be honest and say that people who have "a lot of friends" make me a little uneasy. You never where their real alliance lies. I'm equally as nervous when I'm around people who "love" everyone in the room. From my brief experience here in life, I've learned that friendship is almost too deep to sum up in one sentence. I do know that a friend is someone who can be trusted, the words trust and friend should (naturally) go together. A true confidant who you can call on, that person who loves you unconditionally. A friend doesn't hurt you repeatedly and have nothing to say for his or herself.

I won't even get on my 'rant' about the use of the word "love". As far as I'm concerned please don't say it to me. Save me the trouble of having to find out otherwise. I rest better by assuming that you don't love me, so when it comes out that I'm right we can skipped the 'surprised' reaction. Wow, I think I may be coming off a little bitter. Not the case. I'm just frustrated by people throwing around the words like they mean nothing. I do know that I have a few friends and a few people who love me. I am blessed to have a wonderful best friend. My former boss (Joan) has become a true friend and confidant. I don't take these friendships for granted because I understand that most people don't have true friends.

I just want everyone to stop and think before calling someone a friend. Are they really??? What is your 'version' of a friend??? And don't dare say you love someone if your heart doesn't mean it. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've been hurt enough by "friends" and "love" to know that it shouldn't be that way.

The power of words

2009-04-10T19:54:00.002-05:00

Words matter. I can't say it enough. Words make us feel good, make us feel bad, and all that's in between. They help us carry on when we're in our time of need. Hearing a few words of inspiration from the heart mean more to me than having all the riches in the world. So many times in my life, I've had to rely on the precious words of others to help me believe I can conquer mountains that have stood before me.

Today as I was doing a little spring cleaning, I found an old letter from my Aunt Toni, dated from September 2001. Without going too deep into detail, 2001 was one of the toughest years of my life. My life at home was broken to pieces, (I felt like) I was a social outcast by all terms; I was dying inside. I spent a lot of my years as a youth feeling derelict within the four walls of my room. The word 'lonely' doesn't begin to scratch the surface of how isolated I felt. Through all of those bleak years there were two things in particular that helped me carry on, it was music and Aunt Toni. Today as I read her letter again, it took me back to those sad years.

Along with the letter she enclosed a check for my school lunch for the week. The pages were lavished with words of inspiration. As a child having her 'in my corner' gave me a feeling of security. For every negative phrase uttered about me, she vehemently challenged it with something positive. Every time I hung my head low from shame or fear she reassured me that I was "special" and had nothing to be ashamed of. As with most dysfunctional families, mine was over-run with bitterness, animosity, & pain. Everyone finds the worst thing about you, then they all join forces to bring you down. I wanted to give up and give in more times than I can count. She served as my inspiration. I can remember many nights calling her and talking for hours. No matter the words she chose, the messaged remained the same you're special and you're going to make it, don't ever let anyone hold you back. Though I probably never expressed my gratitude as a child, I am so thankful for her being there. Now at 24 years old, I think of where I would be without her support. I am sure I would have stopped and given up somewhere along the way. Even today in my those moments of fear I draw strength from the words spoken to me when I had no one who cared.

It's so important that we think of what we say to others (especially children). A few kind words can stick with them forever. Perhaps I frown upon adults who put down a child because of my childhood. But I have learned a much bigger lesson in life, it's those who lift a child up that plant a "special" seed of inspiration. I believe they make God cry tears of joy. I believe the heavens rejoice. For it takes a truly special person to make such an impact.

As an adult today I am filled with joy. I can't stop the tears from flowing as I write this. Now I can say I survived the storms of my past and I'm here because there was an angel holding my hand, guiding me to safety. I can look back and say thank You Lord for looking out for me. Angels really do exist, I know this because I had one standing with me as a child, helping me to believe in myself. Thanks Aunt Toni, no matter what any of my foes have to say I have the faith in myself to know I can make it. I will keep that letter until moment I take my last breath. Words really do matter. All it takes is one person to change a life...

They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I will not allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me
And they can't try hard to make me feel
That I don't' matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believer
Or lose faith in my dreams
Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try, but they can't take that away from me...

Morning wake up call

2009-04-09T05:28:00.001-05:00

Here it is 5 o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep (of course). Where is the rain when you need it? I just wanted to briefly update after my last blog. I kinda got on my soap box there for a moment huh? I really try to avoid "attacking" any one particular person or putting a 'negative vibe' in the air, but I had to vent. I feel much better after I get things out. Anyway, yesterday I had to work (all day) with the subject of my previous blog. The day went over smoothly. Granted I did completely 'ice' her out. But hey it beats me opening my mouth and saying things. I've done that song & dance, so I of all people know exactly where that would have most likely led haha. Seeking peace, peace, and more peace, until I'm utterly consumed by the joy of sweet serenity...

If you were a fragrance, I'd call you "trash"

2009-04-07T18:53:00.007-05:00

Today I was (yet again) reminded of the lack of moral standards in our world. It seems no matter much I try to impart to people that I'm direct, so I'd like you to be direct with me in return, they just don't get it. I'm just asking you to give me what I give you. Often the truth isn't pretty or nice, but really is a lie any nicer??? Why prolong the inevitable??? Makes absolutely no sense if you ask me.

Over the last few weeks I've been put in a situation of working with someone whom I (on a personal level) dislike and have no respect for. I don't trust her, never have, and certainly never will. I practically smell her pretentiousness enter the room before her; she reeks of all things fake & conniving -a serpent lurking in the marsh waiting...watching, preparing to attack when your back is turned. Now the fact that I don't like or respect her doesn't necessarily mean I can't work with her. I have worked with people I don't like before. I am just plagued by this persons lack of character and professionalism. Even if you're the biggest whore in all the land I can still have some sort of respect for you, if you know how to maintain yourself in a professional setting. OK, I am starting to 'wander' and 'rant', but you get my point.

Long story short, this person has recently made comments about my 'inefficiency' while at work. (Please forgive my ability to multi-task ma'am.) It's not her comments that have angered me, but the fact that they were made in the work place, while I wasn't present. Being me of course I decide to call her out on this after being made aware of the situation. Silly me to think we could handle this like adults. You all know the ending to this story. She tells me that I "do a wonderful job" and she has "no problem" with the way in which I do things. I'm not sure which side of her personality pisses me off more: the feign 'caring' professional or the pathetic cowardly loser???

The moral of the story is to shut the hell up unless you're willing to be direct and honest. Tomorrow I will feel better, because I am now fully convinced that this person is nothing more than an incompetent fictitious sap!

Ahh, I feel better already...just had to get on a tangent with my 'rant' :)

Close my eyes

2009-04-02T20:53:00.006-05:00

Sometimes on rare occasions I find myself feeling "lonely". I mean lonely in terms of not having a family that I'm close to. For the most part I am consistently happy with my existence in solitude. I am not sure if that's because I've grown up with the mentality of an "outsider" or because I've found much more peace in not "trying and trying" to make a relationship that just isn't there. Whatever the reason or reasons I have adjusted to being one with myself. Tonight I suppose I am just having a "moment", tomorrow it'll be as though this never happened.

In many ways I am grateful that I tend to bounce back rather quickly from the 'loneliness'. I have found that I'm a very jovial person at heart. Put me in a room of 1,000 people or give me a book to read alone, I would be more inclined to read the book. JUST GIVE ME THE BOOK! Haha, seriously save the noise and hoop-la for someone who thrives off of that. I have been in therapy now for 7 months, and each session I am learning more about me than I ever knew before. The more insight I gain about me, the more I become self sufficient. The more I find myself, finding that the "party" just isn't as important as it used to be. Accepting myself, spending time with me, & growing into a mature adult seems to overshadow the necessity to surround myself with people.

I've stated it a million times before, but one life lesson that I finally accepted within this journey has been the fact that people will use you, abuse you, & throw you away without giving it a second thought. Even those we call "friends". I used to think I had many friends. The circle of connections ran as rich and effervescently as the unimpeded currents of the Nile river. Now I stand corrected, for the reality is I have a handful of friends. The word "friend" is used so loosely today that it has all but lost it's natural meaning. Can I just say that I am 'overwhelmed with gratitude' now that I have a full understanding of friendship. I have become more understanding and appreciative of those who have proven to be true to me. Of course Teckie has been my main supporter through the ups and downs in life. Our friendship goes back to 1904 (not literally LOL), but you get what I am trying to symbolize. Her loyalty, devotion, and honesty are qualities I've always admired, but now there's a new level of admiration that runs much deeper than before. Those are qualities that I have come to see that most people today choose not to embrace in their lives. And it's sad. OK, now I am 'spiraling'. There I go starting to 'rant' (typical Antonio fashion) ha! Forgive me.

Back to the original thought of tonight's blog. I do in those rare moments find myself "missing" and longing for that family I've never had. Just to be able to talk or share my dreams with them. Creating those sentimental moments that reside forever in a young ones heart, carrying you through the darkest of days. To have that tender embrace, and to hear the words understood in any language, "I love you".

Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Words that don't matter, really matter

2009-03-31T20:37:00.002-05:00

Another really brief update. I have found a new cause that really touches my heart. I will blog about my personal support for this cause later. Please take a moment and let's educate ourselves.

Thanx,
Antonio

I got nothing left

2009-03-30T20:40:00.003-05:00

Really brief 'update'; today was the day to rival all bad days. Angry clients, dying patients, etc. For whatever reasons I just felt like today was twenty miles ahead of me. No matter how I tried and tried to double step in order to catch up, the day seemed to vanish and leave me on this wayward path of befuddlement. I know there's going to be days like this. It just frustrates me because I like having things "under control", and it makes me feel helpless when I see there's nothing I can do to change things. After being at work for 12 hours I've had enough for the day.

Let's try it again tomorrow, until then...I have nothing left.

Thankful

2009-03-28T12:17:00.002-05:00

Day two of the drenching rainstorms. I got a call from work first thing this morning telling me that almost all of our scheduled appointments had called and cancelled. No one really wants to be out in this nasty weather. Now I have the day off. I'm not complaining, it's a nice 'surprise'. I was dreading the long drive. Avoiding all the water build up on the roadsides always makes me nervous. It feels odd being home on Saturday, I can't remember the last time I've had a Saturday off. Right now I'm listening to the Mariah Carey classic "Fantasy" (with O.D.B.)...it's one for the nostalgia. Gibby is curled up in her bed sleeping...what a precious baby she is. Madison is running through the house convinced that she can chase the storms away by barking at the thunder and lightening every five seconds...she's really putting on a show for me today haha. Of course Jack & Prissy are oblivious to the weather...they're always sleeping. I've also been doing a lot of reading online and twittering (of course) LOL.

Yesterday Lauren Ware (one of my clients) emailed our cooperate office & Dr. Sonmor about my service to her family & pet. That really made my day because it was so unexpected and such a random act of kindness. I really appreciate it. Yet again, you never know who God is going to use to bless you. I hope you're all enjoying your day, stay dry :)

-Antonio

Vote, vote, vote :)

2009-03-26T20:19:00.004-05:00

I'm sure most of you have received an email or seen my postings via myspace, facebook, & twitter asking everyone to take a moment to vote for Tenth Avenue North, for the New Artist of The Year award at the Dove Music Awards. I am a faithful supporter/fan of this group for a few reasons. First (the lead singer) "Mike D" is a good friend and true inspiration to me. I met Mike at a New Year's party back in 2004. From our first encounter I found a friend in him. To this date I have yet to meet anyone who even remotely resembles him. I was instantly moved by his passion and love for people and his desire to impact the world with nothing more than love. He befriended me and gave me an insight on "love, peace, & happiness" that I still hold close to me. As we prepared to ring in the year of 2004, Mike performed an acoustic medley of hymns & praise songs...moving everyone to a deep place of serenity; nothing mattered in that moment but love. Actually, it's his influence that sparked the fire in me to spread the message of love. I learned that nothing we do matters, if we don't have love. What a powerful message to spread huh? I thank him for making a difference in my life to take a stand for a movement so powerful. I am amazed by the humility he displays, always recognizing that he's only a 'tool' being used to make this impact.

Now that his band has "made it", I can't help but feel overwhelmed with a great joy. Still the same old Mike. If you haven't heard the music of Tenth Avenue North, please check it out (click here). Also, below is a link to vote for the group at this years awards. Wishing the guys the best of luck.

http://www.gospelmusicchannel.com/dovesvoting

vision of love

2009-03-25T21:38:00.003-05:00

Another day has come and gone. I'm happy to say that today was a good day, despite the pessimism I started out with. I literally didn't want to go into work today, because I didn't want to work with one of the 'fill-in' doctors. I have a brief history with this person on a professional level, and working with her isn't something I was thrilled about. Of course God showed up (once again) and put me in check. Though the day had it's (routine) bumps with disgruntled clients, uncooperative patients, & insufficient co-workers -- still it was a good one. I swallowed the dread that consumed me before entering the doors. I'm glad I did. I think it helped me deal with the daily stresses with much ease. As the day went on I noticed that with each situation I was remaining at 'peace', and in turn things began to flow smoother. I didn't have any problems/issues with the person I so badly didn't want to work with today. Actually we got along nicely.

I spoke of validation a couple of days ago. One thing that makes me feel 'validated' is the passion I have with my job. Being able to wake up and know I'm doing exactly what the Lord wants me to do brings about a sense of validation for me. I know that I could be somewhere scrubbing floors for a living, but for His grace I am able to thrive in profession that I truly love with all my heart. Today I felt like God Himself spoke to me through two clients. I won't go too deep into detail, but I saw these two clients at opposite ends of the day. They complimented my style and technique in working with their pets, as well as my willingness to listen to their concerns (as owners). No matter how you do this, it still makes an impact to have client respond to you with such positivity. Hearing their encouraging words and having their support really inspires me. On the days in which it seems that I can't do anything right, I draw strength from personal encounters like this. When it seems like every one is against me I look back on days like this and know that God has His hand on me. Always sending the right people at the right time to help lift me above it all. It gives me hope when hope isn't to be found. These are the things in which I see my purpose in this life. I want to be where there's hope, inspiration, & IMPACT.

Tell me what we're gonna do now

2009-03-24T20:57:00.003-05:00

"Tomorrow, tomorrow"...I am dreading it. Tomorrow I will be working with a different doctor. It's fun when to meet new people and work together. However, I know the doctor that will be filling in. A person that I don't particularly "care for". I know that I am being very partial to my feelings and past knowledge of this person. I've told myself that I'm not going to let my personal feelings block me from being able to work together. As the clock ticks closer to the time for me to go in, I find myself wanting to call in. Just to keep from being put in the situation. I know myself. I have a bold personality, if there's something that I feel needs to be said, I'll say it. I don't take well to arrogant people, or people who willing abuse those "below" them. Fighting for the underdog is hard to resist. Please join with me in hope and prayer that tomorrow will go over much better than I am anticipating.

Leave the "little" people alone, try to pick on me!

Serene validation

2009-03-23T21:11:00.003-05:00

Essentially we all have a desire to feel 'validated' . The need to feel whole and complete; accepted and loved for who we simply are. Through my own life I have come to the raw conclusion that most of us seek validation through superficiality. Forming relationships for fear of being "left out", conforming to the ways of social sectors to feed our feelings ambiguity. In essence, being someone other than who we really are, because of the fear of rejection. After all, how can I have validity if people don't 'like' me? I've never found the answer to the question honestly. So many people break their backs by carrying the burden of making people "happy". There's nothing wrong with bringing happiness and joy to lives of others, but I think something is wrong if making someone else happy means you must rob yourself of your personal joy. I am truly thankful that I have been enlightened with this while I'm still "young" and have plenty of time to grow into myself. Yet it still saddens me to see so many (more than I care to count) caught up in the frivolous politics of social groups. I learned a long time ago that those who really love and care about you will be there when the group has long forgotten you ever existed.

I find my validation in something no one can take away from me. "My heart song," those things that lie within my heart carrying me from one level to the next. For the validation I sought in the past has been achieved through having love for myself, accepting every part of me --the good and bad. I find my validation in owning the 'inner peace' of being able to be who I am no matter what others may think of me. Not concerning myself with the fear of judgement and rejection any longer. I don't have a million friends, but the few I have love me for me, and that is all I need. And I wouldn't trade their loyalty for all the fame one man could even dream to have. For in the big scheme of things, validation comes from knowing who we are as a person, then in turn impacting the world around us. Life isn't always calm and peaceful, yet still there's that inner voice telling me "I am with you, there's no need to be afraid any longer." Sweet serenity...lighting a ray of hope for me...I am free

The hardest thing to say is "bye bye"

2009-03-22T00:55:00.006-05:00

Sitting here alone. I've got "One Sweet Day" by Mariah & Boyz II Men playing on my iTunes. It's been a good night, but still this song fills my soul with sadness. I've heard it a million times before, but tonight it's particuarly touching. It makes me think of all my graduating classmates who have left this life already. I am only 24 years old and I feel like there's still a million things I'd like to accomplish in what life I have left. It makes me weep for those who are no longer here. Dreams cut short by the unexpected. How can people so young die??? Cancer, car accidents, etc. My mind still can't wrap around the brutal reality of it all. It's a reality check that's for sure. The gift of life is so precious. We only get one, and once it's over there's no coming back. My heart breaks when I think of their families, trying to live on day after day without their loved ones. Young lives...gone forever; sons, daughters, sisters, brothers. There's inspiration in their short lives. They reality of how quickly life can be over INSPIRES me to take in the simple beauty of our fragile existence and try to live the next day to fullest. Who said it was going to be easy? It's a fact, life isn't easy for any of us. When I stop and think of where I could be or how things could have been, I'm driven to give thanks for my life. Though I'm destined to fail & falter throughout the journey, I still strive for the greatest prize in life...LOVE

In memory of: Kourtney Jenkins, Crystal Kelley, Candace Barns, Cassandra Grey, Lily Reese, & Renee Vance

just saying "hey"

2009-03-22T00:40:00.003-05:00

The Tonight Show

2009-03-19T22:54:00.001-05:00

I am laying in bed right now watching Jay Leno, anxiously awaiting to see him interview President Barack Obama. As I've said before, he is one of my living heroes. I won't go through my list of reasons again right now. I just find such an inspiration from his prescence. All eyes are on him, some eager to him fail, others faithfully remaining true to our nations leader. Either way he remains firm and reassures me I voted for the right man. My hopes for tonights interview is that he will reassure those who are still skeptical. Let's all watch.

I turn to you

2009-03-17T20:03:00.000-05:00

There comes a time when one stops and says I give up. Giving up isn't always a bad thing. Often it's the most freeing thing we can do for ourselves in fact. As I continue to learn more about myself; in essence finding out who I am, I am reaching new levels. I've harbored hurt & angry feelings over some major events from the past 4 years. I do feel I am justified in my feelings. Those that know the stories of the past years know what I am saying. There's no point in going through the "issues" during the course of that bleak time in my life.

Today I am happy and proud to say that we have pressed on and moved on from the pain of the past when it comes to our friendship. And I honestly thank God for allowing things to happen the way they did. I found my backbone and became one with myself. Now I enjoy a great friendship with Bradley. For whatever the reasons, we now understand the past is the past. What can be done to change it now? I refuse to be weighed down by those past offenses. In him I have found a great friend and confidant. I find inspiration from his heart and willingness to grow and make a difference. I want to surround myself by people and friends who have dreams bigger than their present existence. People who believe in things bigger than themselves are the ones you can really rely on in hard times. That is exactly the kind of person Bradley is. Always urging me to give it another try, to keep on track. When I lose the will to win, he's there pushing me to the finish line. The last 6 months have been extremely rough at times. Luckily I had him there, as one of my best friends. I feel as though from the ashes of a broken and severed friendship, a solid insurmountable one has risen. Nevermind how we got to this point, because the point is we're here now.

And when I need a friend you're always on my side
Giving me faith, taking me through the night...

Follow me

2009-03-17T17:44:00.002-05:00

I thought it would be a good idea to let all of you know how you can continue to follow my oh so 'bleak' life haha. I have a twitter account that I am completely obessessed with. It's a way for me to let out those little thoughts that I have throughout the day...follow me the strange places my mind wanders each day. Ok, and if you don't have one, it's imperative that you start an account today! twitter.com/thatguyantonio

Also, I have a livejournal blog, which consists of only videos. There's random clips from some of my favorite entertainment sources, music, film, etc. as well as some personal "interview" insider type footage of me rambling about whatever. antoniojcoleman.livejournal.com

Fearless

2009-03-16T21:31:00.001-05:00

Lord I've been tried and tested. Before things look like they're getting better, something else happens to add to the load. Through it all I can do nothing but sing praises to You. Why am I doing this? Something inside says I should be angry! Why have I been resigned to grapple with this Lord??? Is this just a nightmare, and all I merely have to do is just WAKE UP??? No matter far 'astray' I may have gone I still know (in my heart) what remains true for me. One day, I don't know when, but one day this storm will cease. You never said the road would be easy. So I'm going to put the negative thoughts as far in the back of my conscious mind as possible. When it's all said and done, I'll still be standing...

food for the dogs

2009-03-13T22:22:00.000-05:00

I've come home and settled in, after a long and exhausting day! In fact, the past few weeks have been exhausting. I'm being careful to not complain much, because of course there are loads of truly unfortunate people out there who have issues that make mine look like a dream.

Part of my exhaustion today comes from aggressive patients. I don't know what was up with the pets today, but 75% of the dogs I treated today tried to eat me (one of them literally)! I really don't get it haha. Now that I'm home with my precious pups I plan on relaxing with them and watch a few episodes of my new favorite show, Entourage :)

Blind and unguided in a world divided

2009-03-10T21:54:00.001-05:00

Drifting...merely languishing in the middle of a desolate winding path. Wandering aimlessly, in search of the "next" thing to add meaning to life. Often I wonder if I have forgotten the major elements that have made me who I am today; the fundamental building blocks. Perhaps I haven't forgotten, but instead forsaken the 'old' person I used to be? Surely all these things in life have intricately been linked by a stronger power (God), to lead me to my existence today. I have to believe that all the events in my life, good and bad, have meant something; on a level too deep for my comprehension. Otherwise I would become overwhelmed with confusion, and crumble in defeat. I don't want to grow weary and become stagnate on this "journey of revelation."

It all began at the end of July 2008. Being betrayed and left by the wayside seemed to end 'my world'. Of course that was a blessing in more ways than I can count. I was forced to be alone with myself and asking "who am I?" When others leave you, it's amazing how much you begin to build a relationship with yourself. I learned more during that time than I ever have before about ME. The person I am. At the time I would have rather faced death than press on alone and live with the agonizing torture of a best friends abandonment. Oh God, oh God, the little child I was. To think I needed people to get me through this life. How wrong I was. That was the push I needed to embark on this quest in finding the real me; the person lost way back there...somewhere.

What an enchanting exploration it has been. Freedom, freedom! I can literally hear the bells ringing "freedom is here!" But...you know there's always a 'but' to throw in there. But I still feel as though I drag along the weights of insecurity in my new friendships/relationships; resigning myself to a prison term of obscurity in life. Never quite feeling that I 'fit', always somewhere on the outside. I do count my blessings, and I thank God for my friendship with Teckie. It has been "my saving grace" during all the trials I've faced. Our friendship has witnessed many others come and go over the years. Still, how sad it is to be dominated by the feeling of "doom"; lurking in the shadows is the next fatal blow --intended to send me to my knees. Makes me think of the line by John Mayer, "gravity stay the hell away from me"...I won't fall again.

I was a wayward child
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Not as good as I expected

2009-03-08T20:47:00.000-05:00

On my day off today, I watched the movie Australia. Of course I am a huge Nicole Kidman/Hugh Jackman fan. I had no choice but to watch this film. I've been anticipating seeing it since I first saw the extensive trailer in September 2008. Unfortunately it wasn't nearly as good as I expected. That's always a bummer. Getting all worked up and excited for some special event, and being let down. Don't get me wrong, the movie really isn't bad at all. I felt like there was a lack of consistency. One moment it was an epic gut rentching war story, the next it was like I was watching 'comedy' hour. I was unable to form an attachment with this film.

Moving along, you've all got to follow me on 'twitter', it's a new site I've become addicted to. Ahh, it's so much fun. I like to write really random things for you all to enjoy :)

March is here

2009-03-02T23:21:00.000-06:00

Really quick update: I'm still working like a fool of course (that'll never change). Yesterday on my lunch break I went and bought the movie Australia with Hugh Jackman & Nicole Kidman. This is the highlight of my week! I have been wanting to see this movie for such a long, long time. I love almost any movie those two are in. Phenomenal entertainers :) A review to follow soon! Off to work.

Gibby

2009-02-28T23:23:00.000-06:00

Today has been the most restful day I've had in months. I had the entire day off! I've spent all day with my dogs. Sometimes I feel like they think I've neglected them because of all the time I spend at work with other animals. So I made today all about them. Now we've all winded down and I'm watching Rent (one of my favorite musicals). Gibby (my York) is beside me, resting on her favorite pillow. I thank the Lord for her. Gibby is the personification of "man's best friend." Last April she unexpectedly came into my life when one of my clients could no longer keep her. She's always with me, even if I walk from the computer to the bathroom. Her being my shadow used to annoy me, but now I see it differently. I think she is a blessing from God Himself! From the very first day I brought her home she immediately found her place in the pack. My other 3 kids too her without a problem. Well all except Maddie, but of course that's no surprise haha.

With you I'm born again

2009-02-26T21:30:00.000-06:00

Life is strange at times. To care about someone so deeply when all I'd like to do is forget the person. I can't understand it. My heart sinks into the abyss...slowing becoming one with the depths of loneliness ignited by the bittersweet thoughts of the irony. How did the two of us ever cross paths? How did we ever form a friendship? Why did it end? Is there anything I could have done differently? The questions gnaw away at my soul ripping away chunks of flesh. Leaving me in an agonizing pain that is almost impossible to hide anymore; exposing bare the hollow walls of the emptiness I feel without you. I found a best friend in my enemy. No one could understand it. I admit the idea of "us" was unfathomable to me as well. All I know is it felt so right; effortlessly stepping in sync. I know life is full of 'seasons'; things intended to help us, to heal us, to teach us, to mold us, to enlighten us --making a foundation for our next step. I've gone through a lot of seasons. What do I do when it's something that I can't let go, no matter how I try? Trust me I've tried. I'm still trying. Is there something to be said for someone who refuses to leave your mind & heart? Maybe we weren't a season after all? All I know is that the memories survived and linger with me. I've met others and made new friends in the last few months, but none of them have been able to make me feel the same way. That unconditional love & friendship. That's so deep no one can understand it but the two of us. How great it felt to be supported and appreciated. I found it so hard to walk away from the one thing that's unyielding and sacred to me. Maybe I should have held on tighter when I felt you slipping away? The questions...oh they're endless.

I keep telling myself to just stop caring. If it's not meant to be then I pray that one day all care and concern for "us" will dissipate. Releasing me from this prison of anguish and confusion. I was warned by so many not to become involved. Perhaps they were right? I refuse to believe that they were right. They weren't there to understand the greatness I was exposed to. They couldn't possibly know you. I want to wake tomorrow morning and give up this fight. It's killing me inside.

the old me is dead and gone

2009-02-25T21:58:00.000-06:00

Have you ever done something that you knew would be against your better judgement? It's almost like when your mind tells you not to do it, something inside makes you want to do it even more. Tonight I decided to go against what my mind lead me to do. I was on facebook (the evil, evil social networking site), I was viewing the profile of an old friend. While on her page I noticed one of my traitors left her a few comments talking about all she's been "dealing with" and how she's just so hurt, upset, yada yada (poor her). Of course once I started reading I had to keep digging deeper and deeper; further infuriating myself (why oh why must I torture myself). I read a blog she posted for everyone to see, basically praising herself for being this spectacular mom throughout the years, and how she's just been swung and hit with the mightiest of blows from life, or whatever.

Now a few things in particular made me a little hot under the collar. First and foremost I find it unsettling that this person is being so self-righteous and having a pity party just because she knows all the "Christians" will attend and further sooth her already gigantic ego. Of course by "Christian" I mean, the 21st century Christian. Those that 'love you with the love of the Lord', until you step or think outside their box. Then the message is pretty much screw you --we're too good for your kind. You're not good enough for our group. I know it all sounds like a cult, believe it or not Christianity was never intended to be this way. But whatever, I'll let the biblical scholars debate that. I was even more heated that this person refuses to accept the fact that there's no one to blame for her child's choices in life. Everyone reaches a point in life when they do what they want, whether you like it or not. Seriously placing partial blame on me is complete non sense and offensive. Now this person continues to carry around her bible (so you know she's trying to handle things the 'Christian' way), and wearing her heart-broken face...attention hog, if you ask me. Simply seeking sympathy. I'm sure inside she's enjoying being the star of her own little reality show. Don't look my way for any pity, I say grow a pair and get on with your life.

The thing that hurts the most is that this person and these people used to be a major part of my life. Some of them were inspirations to me, heroic in my eyes. People responsible for 'leading' me to the Lord. People of whom were under the call of God to lead and guide others. People of integrity, dignity, & (biblical) love. People who were my 'family'. Now because things have gotten a little rocky in the life of a select few individuals people are taking sides (though they'll never admit it). Anyway, whoever thinks I am responsible for any decisions Meghan has made is mistaken. Clearly you must not know me either, if this is in fact what you're thinking. As far as Keisha is concerned my pity and sympathy ran out for her when her true colors were revealed. When she stopped LOVING and starting JUDGING. It's even more offensive that things are being said that put me in a position of blame. And only one person has had the heart to talk to me about this. It's only fair that I have the chance to defend my reputation.

I feel better venting through my blog. Now I am done with this madness. There's no reputation to defend against that sad cynical group of colossal losers. In their eyes I've gone too far "astray" for them to associate with. Dead and gone.

Lesson of the night: listen to your first mind and stop before you piss yourself off!!!

I wish you well

2009-02-24T20:05:00.000-06:00

I feel much better since my post about backstabbing 'friends'. I'm fine with the situation now. It still stinks to have someone lie on me. Now that I've had time to think about the situation, I'm not surprised by this persons careless actions towards me. She's doesn't exist in my world anymore. I ended our 'friendship' when I left the ever criticizing group of mentally unstable members of Faith Christian Center.

Getting involved with that group of 'Christians' nearly ended my life. It practically makes me want to vomit when I look back at how foolishly blind and manipulated I was during those years of trying to fit in with that group. Of course when you're never truly accepted you always feel like an outsider, even if you put on a front as though everything is fine. To be completely honest, those years felt like prison. I should have known better than to ever give Meghan a chance at friendship again. But whatever, it's all my fault. Bad judgement on my part....either way, I'm free from that group and will never become involved in a situation like again. I chose to turn away from everyone of them and for good reason. I can only wish them well from this point.

I know that I know
I have had God's help to this very day
And so I stand here and testify to small and great alike
So the more you curse me
The more you're blessing me
I wish you well...

here's to the week to come

2009-02-22T23:08:00.000-06:00

So tomorrow I'll be back on the grinding work. Can I be honest and say I'm not looking forward to it! I just want ONE day off, please!

Please don't stab me with that big knife of yours

2009-02-19T18:51:00.000-06:00

People who don't take responsibility for their own lives really bother me. People who use others as a scape goat for their life choices bothers me even more. I don't understand being so insecure with yourself that you can't man-up and take ownership of your decisions in life. Once again I've found myself under the glare of ridicule & blame, due to some cold-hearted ex-friend. The person who is unable to take the heat for their personal 'problem' has (in her sick and twisted mind) linked me to being a major contributor to these personal issues she's dealing with. I in no way consider this person a friend any longer. In fact we haven't been friends for awhile. This person is one of the many people that I chose to leave behind in 2008. All the same, it still makes me churn inside that I have to come under scrutiny when I in no way have any influence on the decisions that this person has made.

Of course this is not the first time I've had a situation like this come up. I think these sort of 'friends' see me as an easy target because of what I believe. My philosophy on how life should be lived in simple: Love people for who they are, support people, don't judge people. In essence I'm saying there's much bigger things for each of us to concern ourselves with other than anther's personal life, we're supposed to just love one another. God can be the judge of our lives, leave that part to Him. You don't have to agree with another persons life choices. And anther's life choices shouldn't be based on what will make you happy. I guess by not judging others and trying to support freedom of speech has backfired. In retrospect, I know I shouldn't be surprised. There's few people we can trust in our lives. Backstabbing is as common as cancer, it's everywhere.