Smile and breathe

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I've always felt that way. If you're going to have the nerve to say something about someone then be willing to stand tall when the heat is turned up. I say this because Saturday at work I was put in a position of compromising my integrity, something I will never do. I said many, many mean (but all 100% true) hurtful, offensive things to one of my co-workers. The "fill-in" doctor to be specific. I don't regret one word of what I said, given the chance to relive the whole thing I would have said the same thing and then some. She is someone who I do have respect for on a professional level. She's a wanna-be bully who can't deal with it when she meets someone who is ready and willing to chop her down to size. I've never liked bullies. Aside from my personal disgust I think she's an embarrassment to all of us in any medical profession. I won't go on a rant because she's not worth the time or energy it takes to put into it. I feel better now that I've (yet again) made it known that I don't take to anyone trying to 'bully' or control me.
Respect is something that you give in order to recieve it. I think disrespect works in the same way. You give it out then you should expect it in return. I'm not sure exactly what goes on from here. Obviously my career at Banfield is jeopardy, but still I stand behind what I said. Tomorrow will come...and what will be, will be. More updates will follow after tomorrow, and once I've had a chance to process my thoughts. Until then, good night :)

-Antonio

Memoirs of an imperfect angel

I've had this blog for a year now. I am so happy that I started it because it has served as a memoir of my growth, or lack there of (to some). Taking a moment to stop, think, and reflect on the last year of my life makes me even more thankful for the gift of life. The last 12 months have been far from the easiest, but no matter what happened I feel like I have a much better perception of life. The biggest issue over the last year of course was abandonment. Having those that I trusted and loved most turn their backs on me set me free. I didn't know this at the time, but I was being emancipated; I was being allowed to seek my own peace and inner freedom. I began to see that I was going to have to learn to survive alone in this cold world, or just give up. Once I got a true taste of walking alone I began to accept myself, for who I am. I don't think anything or anyone could have made me understand the importance of going at it alone. Looking back on it all, I spent many days and nights alone, thinking of what I did wrong? Why me? What can I do to save these friendships? The answer was simple: THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. Trying to save and revive something that is done with in your life is losing battle (take it from me.) Everything has it's season, once it's done just let it go. It only causes more damage when you try to hold on. Naturally I bore much anger towards those who betrayed and neglected me. Now I have come to a point where I have forgiven each and every person who I felt left me without just cause. I've learned forgiveness is powerful.

Making a "comeback" from the pit I was in is what makes me smile today. At a certain point I had to decide to stop with the pity party and stand up and start on the journey. I gained so much clarity in the silence that came with being one with myself. I saw that all I needed was God when it's all said and done. No friend on earth could lead and guide me back to restoration. I am blessed because I had Teckie who remained with me during that time. For those days that I wanted to crumble in defeat, I had her standing firm ensuring me that there's no problem too big for me to overcome. I heard two special quotes during that time that will forever remain with me. Teckie wrote me one day and in the email one line stood out in particular, "We take the hits and move on". Almost instantly it hit me! It was one of those moments where you stop crying and say "I GET IT! I CAN DO THIS!" Very simple but powerful, we all take hits in life, and there's only one thing to do once we're hit, take it and move on! If you let the hits derail you then you'll never make it in this life. The second quote I heard was from Joyce Meyer, "once you've done all you can, there's nothing to do but stand." That one is special to me because it brings me to today. After all that has happened in my life, I think the person I am today is a testament to faith and the will to survive. My testimony in life will always be "I'm still standing". No matter what hits and knocks I took, I'm still here, I'm still standing.


Through the winds and rains I'm still standing. There will be many battles ahead, I'm sure of this. But peace will now and forever reign as the umpire in my life. Gossip, backstabbing, hatred, bitterness, anger, and all the other sick elements that are apart of mankind today will come my way. But my stance will remain strong and the story will have the same ending every time until the day I go home...

I'm still standing

I'm home

The picture above is my desktop background. I have it there, so that everyday as I am on and off my computer I can see it as a reminder. Oh how ungrateful I can be at times, concerned with only with myself and my needs. But seeing that picture really yanks the slack out of my back to make me stand up straight. It's no secret how I feel about Barack Obama. I've called him one of my living heroes since I learned of his existence 4 years ago. There is something in him that evokes change! His presence inspires me to give my all even when I don't feel like it; the will to continue climbing the mountains of life even when it seems like I'm a thousand miles from the top. I've cried those tears along with him. Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of struggle, tears of shame, tears of guilt, but most importantly tears of triumph; the spirit of a true fighter. I'm inspired and encouraged by his life, overcoming racial barriers to lead a nation. Whenever I see that picture of him crying two old biblical passages come to mind "the last will be first" (Matthew 19:30) and "those who sow in tears will reap songs of joy" (Psalm 126:5) I wish I could explain the depth of those verses. Wow how powerful! As an African American I find another level of inspiration in accomplishments. I feel like Whoopi Goldberg's mother summed up what so many of us felt when it was announced that he was the 44th President, she said "I finally felt I was home, I could put my bags down and stop running". I wasn't alive or around for all the early racial movements and advancements in accepting everyone of every color. But in so many ways within my soul I understood exactly what she meant. So many people gave their lives for this day to come. I can't begin to put in to words how deeply moved I am to see him mark such a significant change the history of the world. I think he's a beacon of hope in some truly dark times. He represents equality for all men and that gives me hope for tomorrow.

Isabelle

On my way home from work Friday I saw this thin, poor, lugubrious dog walking across the road. It looked like it was taking all of her energy to make it to the side of the road. I stopped to check and see if she had a collar or tags. Looking in her eyes really melted my heart. She looked at me like she had given up hope, as though she didn't care if she lived or died. I can't deal with seeing dogs or cats who have no way out. I've said it before but I truly can't understand any human who dumps (abandons) their pet! This poor pup was on a desolate road with no houses near by and no obvious means to find food or shelter. I could only think of how worn out she must have felt, it was 90 degrees outside and I could see every rib in her body. It didn't take much luring to get to come to me. Cowering in timidy she edged closer and closer to me. Her body practically went limp when I lifted her to put her in the car. For the rest of half hour drive to my house she rested her head in my lap; exhausted from trying to survive alone I'm sure.

Once we made it home, I immediately gave her some water and food. Watching her eat broke my heart, seeing how starved she was. She had loads of fleas on her and a few ticks, so I had to bathe her. That was fun haha watching this weak frail dog wear me out in tub. I don't think she had ever had a bath, I washed heaps of dirt and grit off of her. Her name now is Isabelle. Don't ask where I got the name from, I've been calling her that since I put her in the car. She has such a gentle spirit and is very easy going, it just seems like it fit her perfectly. She's been with me for 3 days now and she is getting better everyday. I think she's just enjoying the fact that she has food and shelter. I am happy she can enjoy her life now. I will never let her know what it feels like to be abandoned and unloved again.

I can only assume that at some point she was loved as a little puppy. Aren't they all so cute??? But what made her owners (her protectors) stop loving her? Did that cute little puppy start chewing on things too much? Did she bark too much? Would she not house train? Or was she simply no longer that cute little puppy anymore? Really what warrants dumping her off in the middle of nowhere? She's roughly between 8 to 14 months, and has already been bred. How sad to take away her carefree youthfulness. Karma does exist! Whoever is responsible for leaving her in those conditions will have to answer to a higher power.

My hope is to get her completely healthy and then adopt her out the perfect home. I've already spoke with a few people about helping me with this. I am already growing more fodn of her with each day. How could I not? If I can't find someone who is willing to take on such a special pup, then she'll remain with me forever.

Rest your head now sweet Isabelle, the struggle is over. I promise.

Renew your mind

There's something about new beginnings. That freshness and clarity that comes with cleaning up our minds. By cleaning up my mind I've found there's a person that I lost somewhere along the way many, many years ago. I am not proud of a lot of things I've done or how I've chosen to handle myself in certain situations. At times I've forfeited my character and integrity for social approval. That is something that I am ashamed of now. I've learned that my character is what matters in life. My character speaks louder for methan any other element in this life. People remember your character before they remember what you wore, who you dated, or where you've been. Character is the foundation of who we are. It represents the person I really am when the lights are out and no one is around; stripped bare -exposing all the imperfections, fears, & hopes for my life. Too much focus has been put on people and things that in the end won't matter. I heard a qoute a few years ago by Joyce Meyer that has stuck with me, "don't give up your future by holding on to the past". I get what she means. THERE COMES A TIME TO LET GO AND MOVE ON!!! I can't make it to my future if I'm not willing to move. I can hold myself back from all the future has in store, by choosing to stay stuck in past victories and failures. I admit that the biggest area in my life where I've struggled with moving on is my (un)willingness to let certain people go. Thankfully in 2009 it hasn't been much of an issue. To be honest I probably got a little to excited about moving on and cutting people off. Either way, I've all but started over comepletely. New friends, new dreams, new goals...a new mindset.

Turn the other cheek

Time has taught me that I often experience my sweetest victories by relaxing, moving on with life, not seeking vengeance; leaving my foes to destroy themselves. Why waste time plotting and planning the demise of another??? Justice is always served. Know that. I try to always keep that in mind. It's true that we should treat others how we ourselves want to be treated. Karma does exist, and I firmly believe in it. Though I must admit, it is usually very tempting for me to release my "wrath" on anyone who wrongs me. Thankfully time has taken the foolishness out of me, and produced a fairly wise being. Now it is much easier for me to say "I wish you well" and actually mean it. I am almost embarrassed to admit how long it took me to get to this point. But how nice it feels (sometimes) when I know that I'm raining on the parade of someone who's deserving of it. You know sometimes it like Jekyll and Hyde??? Part of you says "yeah give 'em all you got, ruin him!", but then the 'good' me says "they'll pay eventually just let it go". Haha, sometimes I swear it's like a comedy show when I stop and listen to my thoughts. But take it from me, I have learned, it's better to let it go. The enemy will eventually hang himself for all to see.

Be your own friend, not mine...please

I think too often we (us as a human race) throw around the words "friend" and "love" like they're nothing more than just words. You know like they're just "page fillers" or something. It's offensive, even borderline blasphemy in my eyes. How dare you use those words like they're merely thoughtless words to be used when describing just anyone. Can I just be honest and say that people who have "a lot of friends" make me a little uneasy. You never where their real alliance lies. I'm equally as nervous when I'm around people who "love" everyone in the room. From my brief experience here in life, I've learned that friendship is almost too deep to sum up in one sentence. I do know that a friend is someone who can be trusted, the words trust and friend should (naturally) go together. A true confidant who you can call on, that person who loves you unconditionally. A friend doesn't hurt you repeatedly and have nothing to say for his or herself.

I won't even get on my 'rant' about the use of the word "love". As far as I'm concerned please don't say it to me. Save me the trouble of having to find out otherwise. I rest better by assuming that you don't love me, so when it comes out that I'm right we can skipped the 'surprised' reaction. Wow, I think I may be coming off a little bitter. Not the case. I'm just frustrated by people throwing around the words like they mean nothing. I do know that I have a few friends and a few people who love me. I am blessed to have a wonderful best friend. My former boss (Joan) has become a true friend and confidant. I don't take these friendships for granted because I understand that most people don't have true friends.

I just want everyone to stop and think before calling someone a friend. Are they really??? What is your 'version' of a friend??? And don't dare say you love someone if your heart doesn't mean it. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've been hurt enough by "friends" and "love" to know that it shouldn't be that way.