The Wedding

This has been a great weekend, despite the nasty weather.  Yesterday evening my best friend in the whole world tied the knot!  I'm not one for weddings, but I wouldn't have missed hers for anything.  Awful weather or not, I was not going to miss it.  Of course Teckie was one of the most beautiful brides I've ever seen.  I'm so happy for her that I find it hard to properly verbalize how great it felt to see her marrying such a great guy.  I don't think there's anyone who has seen Teckie since she met Andrew who wouldn't say that she has this radiant glow about her.  I couldn't have found a better person to come and take her away!

It felt like a high school reunion, people whom I haven't seen in years (some since graduation) showed up for the celebration.  I admit the reception was phenomenal; fantastic music, great food, & lots to drink:)  It was great to see everyone.  All in all I can say that we're all doing great and actually living out our dreams.  It makes me very happy to see that most of us have found our 'niche' in life and are really happy with our careers.  How often does it work out like that?  I guess we're a lucky class.

Congratulations to Teckie & Andrew! 

out with the old

Got my music playing softly in the background, the window in my room is open just enough to allow a cool breeze to blow through. I love opening my windows late at night when the weather is just right out. I like for things to lean more towards the cool side, I also enjoy listening to all the random nature sounds. The whole combination is very lulling; I literally zone out and enter a place of serenity that nothing can compare to. After today at work I just want to relax. We were very busy, especially towards the end. Oddly enough, I still got off on time. I felt very accomplished, considering how insanely busy things were. Christina (one of my co-workers) & I went and ate dinner with Dr. McCall and her family at her house. I enjoyed it. Jacob & I played the Wii while we waited on the food to finish cooking. Nintendo has changed quite a bit since I was kid, but I can say that I really have fun playing it. Nothing like being a kid again!

On to the issue at hand. Well, I guess I shouldn't say "issue" because that insinuates some sort of problem. I'm not having any real issues or problems. But in my quest for freedom and that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (happiness), I've hit a few hurdles. I am so happy I don't even know what to do. I know life is never perfect, it's almost like we go through trials, then once we come out of that we have a brief reprieve before something else happens to make us stronger. Right now I feel happier than I have in years. I've made new friends and I've grown much closer to my old friends (those who have chosen to remain true). Over the last week or so, I've had a few people to begin telling me that I'm setting myself up for failure by associating with certain new friends. I had to remind myself that the people trying to tell me this aren't even my friends, and the particular person they're 'warning' me about has, in my opinion changed. I am at a point to where I feel that I am in control of my life and my decisions for the first time in a long time. I only want to make choices that are going to be fruitful in my life. I really feel that I'm doing what is right for me. So until God says otherwise I am going to continue being happy and doing what I've been doing. My life has turned around dramatically since last month, and it's all good. I'm happy and that's what matters, right?

the weekend

Phenomenal, phenomenal weekend!  I worked hard and got the chance to go out with friends.  Banfield was the hospital on call this weekend.  I saw some really interesting new cases.  Overall it wasn't too bad, we made it through.  I had the most fun time Friday night after work, I went out with my friends Lauren & Brent.  They really made my weekend great.  We had our own party until the wee hours of Saturday morning.  Brent is starting school at Auburn Monday, so our main reason for celebrating was for him leaving and starting over.  I'll toast to that!

Beautiful day

Today was another great day.  The weather was beautiful, I worked normal hours, and didn't have to deal with any outstanding/strange/odd cases.  Who could ask for a better Friday?  I ate lunch with one of my co-workers, and just the fact that I got an hour and half lunch without any interruptions is hard to grasp.  Those days just don't happen very often.  After work I went to Kim's house (one of my long time friends from high school) and we talked for a few hours about everything.  It felt good to catch up.  Now I am dressed and almost ready to go out for the night.  I'm going to have dinner with a couple of friends tonight.  Cheers to celebrating friendships, new and old.

I Know This Much Is True

I decided to briefly blog before I call it a night. Yesterday & today at work has worn me out. I spent all day yesterday feeling like I was a million paces behind. I just never seemed to catch up. I didn't actually end my work day until almost 3 a.m. this morning. Now I am thinking of getting an apartment in Dothan, until my transport to the Big Apple is finalized. It would save me a lot of traveling time on insanely busy nights like last night. Who knows what'll happen, we'll see though. I found time to stop by B&N last night in between all the madness, I bought a new book I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb. Reading is my favorite thing to do when I have down time. I began the book today and I've already become one with it. I am off all day Sunday and I plan on reading until I can't take it anymore.

The return to work

The past week has been good.  Returning to work was the best part of it all.  I have OCD when it comes to my job; I love being there because there's never a moment when something isn't taking place --new things to learn everyday, I love it.  Organized chaos at it's best.  All in all I'm thankful for everything that has happened, good and bad.  When bad things happen to us, we tend to think "God I can't deal with this anymore", and after last months back to back 'bad moments' I really thought I couldn't live on.  Everyone that knows me is aware of what I'm referring to, so there's no need to re-hatch any specific events.  It's in the past, never to be mentioned again.  As it tends to work out most of the time, we realize after we've survived the storm that we had more strength than we believed.  I feel much more confident, happy, & peaceful than I have in years.  Looking back at all the trials, I now give thanks to God for allowing everything that took place to happen,  because it only made me stronger and learn to rely on Him more than before.  

Last night after work, I went out to dinner with some friends.  Everyone knows I'm all about a good meal and a glass of wine.  It feels incredible to be happy & free to enjoy life again.  This was something I had gotten 'used' to not doing anymore in order to make certain people happy.  I'm not blaming anyone in particular, because it doesn't matter anymore, but you can only know this feeling if you've been imprisoned whether it's by a person, situation, etc.  I'm just overwhelmed with joy that the fight is over.  

We take the hits and move on

I was awaken this morning by a killer headache. This happens from time to time, usually I just have to ride it out until it's over. That is why I am up at 3:30 a.m. I thought I'd update my blog, for those of you who keep up with it. Yesterday I talked to Teckie about the drama that has seemed to surround my every move lately. Teckie has been my best friend for years and knows the "real" me. There has literally never been a problem too big or small for me to come to her with. I've always appreciated our friendship, because no matter what, we've always been straight shooters with each other. However, I decided it would be best not to mention the events of the last few months to her, because after all she is getting married in a few weeks and has a lot on her plate. But I'm so thankful to the Lord for sending me a friend that "gets" me. She has been my real "therapist" since before we graduated. When she found things hadn't been going good, she immediately does what she's always done. She asked me flat out to be honest and tell her what's been happening that I've neglected to mention to her. Not in a bossy or overly aggressive way. Fact is, Teckie has always been a no nonsense kind of person. She likes to get to the meat of things and move on. Today I got to do my final unload (that's what I'm calling it) on her. It was almost like it was God's divine timing. I have spent the last few days not worrying about who likes me and who doesn't, who's betrayed me and who hasn't, etc. I've just been at peace. But I think Teckie really gave me the final push to just seek peace and move on.

Starting Tuesday morning we corresponded back and forth through email about the current status of both our lives. This is what we typically have to do because with both our jobs it's hard to just stop and have a two hour phone conversation. Her final email of the day contained a few really powerful, honest, yet simple, and caring words of advice that pushed me over the edge into this newfound freedom. I'm sharing a few of her thoughts in this blog because the advice was just that impacting and life-changing for me. She has sort of been dealing with the same situation of abandonment too, so she knows where I'm at. The one part of the email she sent has forever impacted me. It read : "We take the hits and move on!....For now, I'm moving on and doing all I can to make sure my mental, physical, emotional, etc. well-being is top notch."

We take the hits and move on --that's it exactly! I don't know why this didn't just hit me earlier on. Maybe it was meant for me to go through the season of loneliness in order to truly deal with the pain. I keep hearing Teckie say that line over and over again. And she's right, there's nothing I can do about what has been done to me but accept it and move on with the lessons that come from the situation. There's no point in trying to get revenge or seek justice. God will handle that part at the appropriate time. I intend to focus on keeping myself in top form and letting the rest take care of itself.

Like I Never Left

You know it's amazing how with just a few days away from everyone I have gained so much insight into the person I am. At the recommended advice of two really special people in my life, I have decided to just cut myself off from the world for awhile. There has been one dramatic thing after another the past month or so and I haven't really had time to take any of it in, without someone giving their opinion. And deep down I need to think on my own for myself. Since Wednesday I've begun to revert back to the "old" Antonio. The person who is happy with the minimal things in life; reading a book, walking my dogs, praying, finding ways to impact people and so forth. I plan on spending a few more weeks just having time for myself to continue to heal from the abandonment that almost did me in. I didn't realize it, but with the new people I've met I have been taking my abandonment issues out on them. I second guess everything that they tell me, I think everyone has a hidden agenda for being my friend, I constantly feel this underlying feeling of rejection. It's not fair that I should go into these new friendships dragging along my 4 year baggage called Bradley & Augusta.

The fact that Augusta left me without warning almost 8 months ago is just now beginning to sink in. That was something that I would never have guess would happen, not in a million years. It's funny how those we give ourselves to, can hurt you without giving it a second thought. Now Bradley has decided to jump ship and abandon me too. All of this has forced me to face reality and try to move on. At the end of the day we all have one person to go home to, and that is ourselves. The one person you can never get away from. The real us. The one who knows the insecurity we feel, even when we put on the biggest front. The one who knows the thoughts you never say aloud. The one that knows what it's like to really be you.

In getting aquatinted with "me" --Antonio, I see that I became co-dependent on Bradley, which should have never happened. I invested more time than I should have helping him to believe in himself. Somehow in the process I allowed him to drained me of the faith and belief I had in myself. We traded places in other words. I burned more bridges in 4 years for our "friendship", bridges that I would be able to turn to in times like these. Essentially I sacrificed everything for one person, just have them tell me "thanks, but I don't care about you anymore". Wow, you can image how great facing this reality has been for me. Same thing with Augusta. Though I always thought our friendship was much stronger than mine with Bradley could have ever been. These truths are not something I want to admit, but I know that it's the only way to have real closure. I won't let what they did to me be taken out on people who truly care for me. I can't change what has been done, I can only face it and pray for the strength to move on and not look back.

Amanda & Trey both helped me to see and understand that I can't just go through all of this and then move on like it's nothing. 4 years is a long time when we're talking about a persons life, feelings, emotions, etc. I can't get Augusta to talk to me at all, so I am accepting that we're done. I talked with Bradley today, and I've decided it's the last time we'll ever speak. I don't know the person I spoke with today. If there was ever a chance of things being worked out, that is shattered now. Any desire I may have had to resolve things has completely vanished. I can accept that I've been neglected for drugs & "cooler" people. It happens. I guess if they could leave for such things than I must not have meant very much to begin with huh?

Tomorrow is a new day, and if it's in God's plan for me to see it I only want to focus on enjoying my everyday life. Getting back to the real me --like I never left.