Like I Never Left

You know it's amazing how with just a few days away from everyone I have gained so much insight into the person I am. At the recommended advice of two really special people in my life, I have decided to just cut myself off from the world for awhile. There has been one dramatic thing after another the past month or so and I haven't really had time to take any of it in, without someone giving their opinion. And deep down I need to think on my own for myself. Since Wednesday I've begun to revert back to the "old" Antonio. The person who is happy with the minimal things in life; reading a book, walking my dogs, praying, finding ways to impact people and so forth. I plan on spending a few more weeks just having time for myself to continue to heal from the abandonment that almost did me in. I didn't realize it, but with the new people I've met I have been taking my abandonment issues out on them. I second guess everything that they tell me, I think everyone has a hidden agenda for being my friend, I constantly feel this underlying feeling of rejection. It's not fair that I should go into these new friendships dragging along my 4 year baggage called Bradley & Augusta.

The fact that Augusta left me without warning almost 8 months ago is just now beginning to sink in. That was something that I would never have guess would happen, not in a million years. It's funny how those we give ourselves to, can hurt you without giving it a second thought. Now Bradley has decided to jump ship and abandon me too. All of this has forced me to face reality and try to move on. At the end of the day we all have one person to go home to, and that is ourselves. The one person you can never get away from. The real us. The one who knows the insecurity we feel, even when we put on the biggest front. The one who knows the thoughts you never say aloud. The one that knows what it's like to really be you.

In getting aquatinted with "me" --Antonio, I see that I became co-dependent on Bradley, which should have never happened. I invested more time than I should have helping him to believe in himself. Somehow in the process I allowed him to drained me of the faith and belief I had in myself. We traded places in other words. I burned more bridges in 4 years for our "friendship", bridges that I would be able to turn to in times like these. Essentially I sacrificed everything for one person, just have them tell me "thanks, but I don't care about you anymore". Wow, you can image how great facing this reality has been for me. Same thing with Augusta. Though I always thought our friendship was much stronger than mine with Bradley could have ever been. These truths are not something I want to admit, but I know that it's the only way to have real closure. I won't let what they did to me be taken out on people who truly care for me. I can't change what has been done, I can only face it and pray for the strength to move on and not look back.

Amanda & Trey both helped me to see and understand that I can't just go through all of this and then move on like it's nothing. 4 years is a long time when we're talking about a persons life, feelings, emotions, etc. I can't get Augusta to talk to me at all, so I am accepting that we're done. I talked with Bradley today, and I've decided it's the last time we'll ever speak. I don't know the person I spoke with today. If there was ever a chance of things being worked out, that is shattered now. Any desire I may have had to resolve things has completely vanished. I can accept that I've been neglected for drugs & "cooler" people. It happens. I guess if they could leave for such things than I must not have meant very much to begin with huh?

Tomorrow is a new day, and if it's in God's plan for me to see it I only want to focus on enjoying my everyday life. Getting back to the real me --like I never left.