Here I Am

Who am I?  What is my life about?  Certainly all the stress of the last few months isn't all there is to life.  

I've have been pondering those two questions a lot within the recent weeks.  I am finally beginning to have some clarity and understanding of some things.  I don't have all the answers as to why life has been going the way it's going.  To have a "friend" decide to up and leave you high and dry when you need them most is probably one of the most painful things you can have happen.  To just give up on you and not care about your feelings.  Sometimes I wish I could make all the pain go away myself.  Unfortunately, I'm having to walk it out like everyone else who goes through this kind of situation.  Perhaps I shouldn't use the word unfortunately, because with each day that goes by I gain more clarity of the situation.  With that clarity I find more strength to go on alone.  I lose hope that this person will ever come to realize what they did to me hurts on a level that I can't even begin to explain.  Each day that this person continues to keep their back turned to me, I still find a way to survive and deal with everything that is going on in my life.  Things that I would typically be able to rely on this person to help me through.  I'm now having to rely solely on myself.  Walking alone really makes you see the world differently.  Though I still can't grasp just leaving someone in such a hateful, malicious way I know it happens to the best of us.  Why should I be an exception.

Over the past week I've had more freedom than I've in a very long time.  Getting to go out and dance, have lunch with old friends, & just hang out has been great.  I've met some new people in the last week that I'm getting to know.  So far I like them a lot, but if I find out tomorrow that they don't like me I've learned that I can live through the rejection.  No matter what people may or may not think of me I can still have an impact in this world and continue to be used for Gods will.  I do have lonely moments where I find myself missing the human contact and interaction.  But I keep telling myself "God all I need is You", and I feel that if I hold tight to that and believe, then one day He'll allow what's happening to come full circle in my life.  Despite how sad I may find myself I believe that my value in life isn't found in acceptance from people, in the end all that will matter is Gods acceptance of me. 

Through it all, I still believe that there are truly amazing people in the world who care for me.  There may not be many, but that's OK by me.  I had an intense talk with Tracy last night.  She's honestly one of the few friends I can say I have left.  She's been here for me before, when this "friend" left me a few years ago.  I don't know why I didn't listen then and just get out while I still had the chance to salvage some of my dignity as decent human in the world.  Oh well, it's too late to worry about what I should've done.  The damage has been done and I'm starting over.  I am here, so if you're looking for someone to be there and be true, here I am.  Give me the chance and I'll give you all I have to offer.