The end

Where do I begin?  I can't even know what to say or how to say it.  Well I can say that right now I'm overrun with a conglomerate of emotions --freedom, imprisonment, love, hate, happiness, sadness, peace, rage, joy, pain, guilt, pride, and confusion.  Yesterday was without a doubt the best and worst day of my life.  So many things took place so fast, that I don't think I've begun to understand them.  It was like an outer body experience.  Watching myself and not being able to stop myself from saying and doing things.  I honestly allowed my hurt and anger to take center stage in my decision making.  In retrospect it wasn't the wisest decision I could have made, but at the same time I felt as though I was being freed from a lot of unnecessary stress.  Stress I've been carrying around with me for a few years now.

Yesterday I ended one of my best friendships.  Or what I had been somehow convinced was one of my best friendships.  It was something that was bound to happen.  It had been coming for a few months, but I chose to ignore the reality of the situation.  I was being used for mere entertainment.  I must admit that Teckie told me about four years ago that this person wasn't healthy for me to be around, but me being Mr. know-it-all chose not to heed her warning.  Often times the ones who truly care for us can see elements that we're just blind to.  I wish so bad that I had listened all those years ago.  It would have saved me a lot of personal pain & embarrassment.  

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust a person or group of people again.  Not only did I have to end a friendship with one person, but with their entire family.  I think that's what is bothering me.  There were casualties, people who should have never been caught up in the cross fire.  I barely got an hour of sleep last night because it was all I could think of.  I know I can pick up the pieces and live on.  I've survived before.  I'm still here, aren't I?  I'm not saying it'll be easy.  Even though this person was one of the unhealthiest people I could have ever met, I still allowed them to become part of my life.  And sad as it is, even people like that mean something, and you can't just forget them.  Though I'm sure I've been forgotten by this person, since they never cared to begin with.  Funny how what we run from in order to keep "peace" always catches up with us huh?