WRITE ME OFF --but I'll keep thriving

This weekend took a toll on me.  But I am more thankful for the brutal reality I was faced with.  I can even say I'm ashamed of the humiliation that came with it.  Maybe I deserved it.  It was to humble me??? Or at least that's what I'm saying to rationalize the maliciousness that the person intended just for me.  It's so easy to say you're done with someone, but it's much harder when they have a part in your life.  When the person is not just one of your "superficial friends", you can be hurt deeply by some of the things they do.  Trying to work things out doesn't seem to be what I'm supposed to do and I know that now.  I know I've said it time and time again I'm moving on past it.  Emotionally it's taken everything in me.  I'm not sure if the emotional exhaustion has caused me to "shut down" or just block it out.  But I don't feel any anger for how I was treated.  I know it's kinda odd, or maybe it's just the peace of knowing it's time for it to end.  I'm counting my blessings, I came out of the situation alive, sane, & with my dignity of knowing I gave it my all.  So here I am, before everyone,  flaws and all, saying HERE I AM. Take me or leave me. I'll survive.

I went to talk all of this over with my psychologist (who I consider one of my few true friends).  Having someone understand and relate to the pain of neglect and abandonment helped me.  I pray that the strength I feel now continues to embody my mind when I am tempted to get weak and give in.  Maybe this is the way it was meant to be.  I am still a little torn, because God has placed some new truly lovable, fun, caring people in my life.  People who share the same values as me --like minds.  But when I feel things are getting close I immediately revert back to this on-going situation.  Will they use me too, then leave me?  Surely they must have some motive.  Well what if I do give them a chance and find out they're not who I thought they were?  The thoughts are endless.  It's a fear.  I don't want to get hurt like this again, but I don't want to carry around my little bag of side effects and ruin potentially good friendships.  So I say I'M NOT GIVING UP so don't count me.  If these new people turn out to be individuals I shouldn't be around I'm going to trust God to reveal it to me and carry me on.

Through all of this, I have come to see that I've invested too much time into being friends with almost everyone.  I'm sure things will said about me having a break down, but oh well, people will talk.  I prefer to think of it as a breakthrough, on the quest to find my sanity & peace.  But I am writing a lot of "friends" off.  To them it'll be as though I disappeared off the face of this planet.  I've died.

But I know somehow I'll be OK.