Protective mode

Monday was a really good day for me.  I'm just now finding the time to write about it.  I really enjoyed my therapy session.  I feel like I'm breaking ground in getting back to the basics in life.  I've thrown myself back into work harder than ever.  That can always be a good or bad thing.  For now, it's what is working for me.  I can't worry about much else when I walk behind those doors because there are much more important things to focus on.  Thank God for my job.  Sometimes I think it serves as therapy for me too.  This blog seems to indicate that I'm not happy, which isn't the case.  I've found myself kinda in 'protective' mode because I learned a lifetime worth of lessons from all the drama of this summer, and I want to make sure I don't go through that again.  In retrospect I don't even really know how I made it through that dark place, because I was clearly out of it.  I thank those who actually stuck it out and dealt with me during that insane time.  Wow, what a weird time.

Once again, within the last week I've met someone else that I really click with.  But I'm taking my time in getting to know this person.  I just want to be happy and be around people who get me somewhat.  So I'm not saying too much about this...until the friendship grows.  I've learned not to jump the gun by spilling too many details too early on :)

deja vu

Back again...trying to figure out where to begin.  I get the feeling that I might be allowing myself to be used...again.  Story of my life, right???  I wish things could continue to go the way they've been going for me.  Unfortunately that is not reality.  I am still very much happy because I'm in a really good place in my life.  Things have finally come full circle for me.  But I can't really ignore the signs that I've seen before.  I'll do anything to not relive the pain of this summer.  That was a real learning experience for me.  An experience I only have to go through once.

I can't help but feel like I'm watching a car wreck take place in slow motion.  I've seen all of this before.  I think part of my problem is that I always tend to give 110% in any of my friendships/relationships and I only expect 50% from everyone else.  Perfect recipe for disaster huh???  Time for some restructuring to begin.

Character & Love

Today I was thinking about my life and character.  Character is something I always look for in a person.  It carries us further than most people seem to realize.  How we react in a situation tells a lot about us as a person.  I feel that I've shown good character over the years, though I've dropped the ball quiet a few times.  As I've grown and been faced with the harsh reality of the 'real world', it's obvious that today more than ever we have to strive to keep our character as a main focus in life.  We live in a ME, ME, ME society; what can you do for ME, well what about ME, I only care about ME, etc.  Everything is centered around helping ourselves, and in the process of "enjoying" life I feel we damage and jeopardize our character without realizing it.  I can only speak for myself when I give these views.  This is how I see things coming from the eyes of ME.

Who am I???  I think my character is a one of love, or at least that's what I want my character to always be.  With love there's nothing that can't be accomplished.  It takes love to truly enjoy life.  Nothing on the face of this earth is bigger than the ability to love.  Come on, it's FREE OF CHARGE!  How awesome is that???  From love flows a multitude of life impacting virtues; honesty, dignity, and IMPACT.  Of the three I'd have to say the gift of impacting another persons life for the positive is my favorite.  Within the last few months I've been impacted by some great individuals --new and old.  Their impact has helped me to believe that there's still good in the world and that I can be loved for who I am.  That kind of impact can't be labeled with a price.  Though this summer was by far one of the roughest for me, I've gained a whole other level of appreciation for the character of people.  Sure, some of the characters I dealt with almost drained me of all I have to offer in this life, but thank God for the people He sent to show me there's still a light in the world.

I want to get back to the basics of what my life is: LOVE.  I want love to reign in my life that no matter what you've done to me I can love you, no matter how much it hurts I can love you, no matter who is out to get me I have true unbridled love for them.  Until the day I go home I want love to be my daily theme in life as I go day to day.

Slow dancing in a burning room

Here's another late night post.  My internal clock is rather screwed up it seems, huh?  At any rate, I'm here.  I talked to Teckie Wednesday evening after work.  It was one of the first times we've had the chance to really talk since her wedding a few weeks ago.  In several of my previous posts I've mentioned what a great friendship I've shared with Teckie for years now.  Not many people can say that they have a best friend like her.  I'm not going to get into that whole spill, because I could seriously right a book about how awesome she is.  Moving along...she now knows the extent of everything that has taken place over the last month or so.  And I feel such love and support from her.  This is the happiest I've been since she's known me, and to have her notice that really makes me feel good inside.  Despite what everyone thinks, there's only a few people that really matter to me.  Teckie is one of those of course, because NO MATTER WHAT I WANT TO HEAR she'll give it to me straight.  She has given me quite the beating before with her opinion.  Honesty at it's best.

Having a chance to bare my inner most thoughts to her today was a relief.  She's been one of the few people to not view my friendship with Brent from a negative perspective.  Like myself, she believes anyone can change and you can't listen to what everyone else has to say.  Because there's one fact that we can always rely on and that is that people are usually wrong.  After our talk I've heard the last and most important opinion that matters to me.  I am going to give Brent the same friendship I've shared with Teckie.  I believe it'll work out the same way, if it doesn't then you know I will survive.  But for now I'm trusting with all my heart that I'm doing what is right.

update

I've been away for a few days. Within that time my computer decided to crash or something (go figure it's a Dell), but I'm not worrying about it right now. I worked all weekend and then came to Auburn to hang out with Brent. Of course it was a lot of fun, we went to Tuscaloosa to go see Sarah & Zach. It felt like I spent the entire day of Sunday on the road. Fun times, fun times.

I'm always thinking, whether intentionally or not, my brain is always cooking. Lately I've been really putting some thought into where my life is at right now. I'm happy for the most part. I feel like I've really grown a tremendous amount, even within the last month. I feel free and it's great. But at the same time, I've begun to wonder am I doing a little too much, enjoying life a little too much??? My weekends have been filled with partying, meeting new people, etc. And all of those things are great, but without moderation I think we can become excessive without realizing. It's just kind of hitting me that perhaps I should slow down because I'm going a little too fast.

I am so happy with the friendship I have with Brent. I've never felt so supported and understood in my life. Literally, within a month I've become closer to him than I have with anyone else. I know a lot of people think it's a bad thing to have things happen so instantly, and I can't even blame them for thinking it. All I can say in response to how things have worked out is I know what's going on, and it's indescribeable. Within this whirlwind month I've really come to see and appreciate honesty. There's nothing friends can't work through if both people are just honest...no cover-ups, or trying to hide. Just plain honesty, at all costs.

Tomorrow morning I return back to work after having two days off (unheard of huh?) For once I'm not looking forward to it. There's been a lot of drama with a co-worker that is affecting all of us, I think none of us really want to be there until it's all resolved. Come what may, I'll still be there ready for whatever the day holds.

never say never

Wow, where and how do I begin???  The phrase "Never say never" is continuously ringing in my head, over and over.  The last month of my life has been by far the best.  I don't think I've ever really been so happy.  As M.C. would say "I can't even know what to say"...literally I'm grasping for the words to convey what has happened and what is happening.  I think I got used to being unhappy, so it's a lot to take in, being able to say that I'm happy.

A little over three years ago I met Brent through a mutual friend.  To make a long story short we didn't get along.  He said some hurtful things about me and I did the same in exchange.  You know, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.  And I honestly built up a level of hate, bitterness, & resentment for him.  I didn't want anything to do with him or anyone who was associated with him.  It didn't make the situation any better to constantly hear negative things about him.  It made me feel even more like I shouldn't like him or give him a chance.  I felt justified in not liking him.  But over the last month or so, the tables have turned.  Out of the blue, my 'best friend' turned his back on me and left me high and dry.  Ironically enough, once I was able to scrape myself up off the floor and bounce back Brent was one of the main people to help me.  Throughout this insanely crazy, indescribable journey I've found a real best friend in him.  Yes, things seem like they've moved kinda fast.  But that's the cool part about it (to me) is the fact that no one understands or 'gets' it.  I think we're probably the only two who actually know what's going on.  And it can't really be explained to people other than I've found my best friend in him.  I'm not one to do something like this, because I don't like making a fool of myself.  I've had quite a few people say I'm doing just that, he can't change, and he's going to use me etc.  You know if there's one thing I've learned within the last month and a half it's to not worry about what MIGHT happen.  Just live and trust that you're going to make it and be okay.  I have never felt more supported in my life.  I think Brent is one of the greatest people I've ever met.  And I'm so happy our paths crossed when they did.  Anyone who knows anything about the situation will probably laugh when I say he's got to be the most amazing person I've ever met.  But the good news is, I don't care what anyone thinks.  I know what I know and that suits me fine.

Life  lesson: NEVER SAY NEVER!

WAR EAGLE!

What a great weekend. I went to Auburn, to stay the weekend with my friend Brent. Lots and lots of fun. I needed the time away, though I'm sure Mary will find a wonderful form of punishment to make me never want to take two weekends off again --EVER. On the journey, Lauren and I hit an owl the size of a toddler. Phew, thank God it didn't cause us to careen into a ditch. I'll answer the looming question in your mind, NO I did not attempt to save him. If you could have seen the impact you'd understand why.

A few glasses of White Zin, Riesling, & GAF (DON'T ask what the latter means, just beware that it will creep up on you) and we were set for the first game of the season. WAR EAGLE!!!:)