The Challenge: If You Really Knew Me

I watched a MTV reality show tonight, "If You Really Knew".  I'm still in awe at the veracity of this show.  It really awakened many things in me, perhaps things that I have neglected to deal with for whatever reasons.  The show is based in a new high school each week.  The goal of the show is for different groups to open up and expose certain facets of their lives, that people probably haven't taken into account.  Numerous times during the show I found myself in tears, physical tears that I couldn't control.  At one point I even found myself thinking what is wrong with you.  Hearing the different confessions really hit home.  I used to be many of these people!

I thought to myself I know what you're going through and it will get better, only because I've been there before.  I can remember what it was like in high school too, and even as an adult I've had to battle a lot of these issues.  I know that feeling on loneliness, as though the world is drifting away before your eyes and no one bothers to help save you.  There were confessions of ongoing turmoil at home that affects the daily interactions these kids have outside of home.  Those were the particular confessions that made me regress back to the days that I thought I'd never survive.

Fortunate and blessed are words I use to describe my existence today, because more days than not, I didn't know if I'd make it to the next day.  I wanted things to end because life wasn't worth living on.  No one loved me anyways.  Things were so awful at home that my ability to cope was withered and didn't seem to be pointing in a good place. Within my spirit the will to live was completely gone.  It's like all my hope reached a point of irrelevance.  Nothing will ever change, I thought.  Those who I felt were obligated by God to love me didn't do that.  Family???  Psssh, yeah that was a joke.  They didn't care or at least they didn't show it, that's for sure.  I grew up alone and isolated.  The man who I thought was my father neglected me in every sense of the word.  My mom cared for everything but me, it seemed.  Having to go to school and deal with secondary issues only applied more pressure.  Not being able to talk to friends because of the embarrassment of my private life only wore me down faster.  Sometimes just simple act of smiling at people felt like a job.  I learned to bottle it all up.  On several occasions I felt I'd come to the end.  I did everything I knew to do yet nothing seemed to yield positive results.  Of course I could go on, and expose more specific details, but it's not about that tonight.  Just know that I made it.  It's possible for anyone out there to make, despite the naysayers.

In retrospect I see that everything has its place and time.  The Lord blessed me with the right people to carry me from one level to the next.  These individuals validated me and appreciated the love I had buried beneath the rubble of anger and pain.  The main person being my precious Aunt Toni.  My eyes are watery just thinking of how she saw something me.  Her support guided me through, no matter who was in my life she remained that constant.  There were others who saw my heart and embraced me and I appreciated each one of them.  I'm so thankful for those who inspired me to live on through the darkness and pain.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Though we're all spread out across the country now, I'll never forget a single person who helped keep me afloat.  I dare not think of where things could have gone had God's infinite timing not prevailed.

Like the show, I challenge all of you (including myself) to go back to square one.  Love.  It's just that simple.  The rest falls into the proper place once we take it back to basics.  Stop caring about religion, race, sexuality, and the slew of other issues we put so much emphasis on.  Until we start grasp the concept and power of love, nothing else matters.