Happy new year!

Happy new year!  Thank God I've made it to see another year!  May it only get better and better, right???  There's something about being about to start over from scratch and give it another try.  I am looking forward to learning from my mistakes and letting the party carry on into 2009.  I was able to cut out some people/things that I didn't need to drag into another year of my life.  No matter how bad things seemed last year or even just a few days ago, I'm not going to worry.  What will be, will be!  I feel as though my focus is set for the new year.  The last few months of 2008 kick started my new life, my new desire to embrace happiness, and my new willingness to seek peace, peace, & more peace!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I've got a right to dream

Today was one of those days were you just kind of exhale, and whisper "why today God, why today?"  Work is my life.  Animals are my life.  I can still say I absolutely love what I do.  The thought of not being able to work with animals is scary for me.  It's my belief that God has a destined path for all of us, that is intricately woven together to allow us all to be a contribution to our world; in a sphere too deep for our comprehension.  I am thankful for waiters at restaurants, teachers at our schools, bus drivers in our cities, etc. Those are all jobs I could never picture myself having and actually enjoying, but we need all these people to help our world maneuver today.  Because of my love for animals, I feel that I'm destined, chosen, picked to work in the field I'm in now. 

One of my fellow co-workers today told me she's leaving to go work for another hospital.  I am very happy for her, really I am, but part of me is deeply saddened.  I can't help but be happy for her, considering that I know why she's leaving.  When you work with people who are ungrateful, and make going to work each day more and more unbearable then eventually something will have to change.  Either those unhappy individuals will see how their negativity is starting to impact others and will choose to work towards a more positive work influence.  Or people will leave.  Sadly I don't think these certain individuals will ever see how their only spreading their bitterness, until we're all gone.  Marlee is one of the FEW co-workers with whom I actually consider a friend and can say I enjoy working with.  My dedication is still to my patients, but we can all only deal with so much.  

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.  If you're surrounded by people who drain you of the gift of life, then you should separate yourself, if it's possible.  I have that control, and I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness any longer.  Life is finally on track.  I'm happy in my personal life, and my work life is still bearable, but I won't become another angry bitter person who makes those around me feel unappreciated.  How hard is it to say "please, thank you, great job"???  I pray with the news of Marlee's departure things will change. 

Here's to being hopeful... 

December wrap up

Wow, this month has been so busy I've hardly had the time to blog!  Now that's just not acceptable.  The new year is only days away.  What a year it's been.  What a month it's been.  Me and my estranged friend over the past year, Augusta, mended our broken relationship.  I thank God for that.  Everything fell together in the right timing for us  to (unexpectedly) cross paths and talk.  In my heart I always prayed that something would happen to bring us together before this year ended.  So I'm very thankful that we are back together...thick as thieves!  I spent a lot of time preparing for my Christmas trip to New York City.  It was phenomenal!!!  Felt good to get away from Alabama, and experience some culture.  My desire to move there has multiplied 3,000 times over.  I feel more out of place every time I trek back to the south.  Not that it's a bad place, but it's not the place for me.  How amazing it is to be able to wear what you want, do what you want, and be accepted just for who you are.  That's my kind of place.

Last night I went out to celebrate my 24th birthday with some friends.  I can't help but think of all the blessings from this year.  Being with friends and people who I feel genuinely love and care about me makes me smile inside.  I can never forget the feeling of being unloved and ostracized for most of the year.  I was happy to spend my birthday with Stephanie & Cale, I consider them my saving grace.  My life has only gotten better since becoming friends with them.  Those are the kind of friendships I want to pursue in 2009.  I should be able to say "my life is better with you in it".  What's the point in having people in your life that only drain you of happiness???

Forgetting all the pain of '08...pressing on to face the wonders of 2009.

"but I won't give up tomorrow, cause I've come to life again" :)

Reflections

I had today off, most of which I've spent watching season two of House, on dvd. Doing nothing...ahhh, it feels so great sometimes. Only 29 days left in this year, and what a year it's been. The last few months have been the happiest of the year, but I can't forget all the tears I sowed in this year to reach this point of rejoicing. The journey was long and winding with many unexpected hurdles. I spent many nights angry, upset, confused, & alone begging God to take away the pain. Asking 'why' so many bad things had to happen.

The first half of the year was spent fighting to keep one of my childhood best friends in my life, little did I know she was already gone. It's hard to grapple with the realization that someone has abandoned you without warning. Especially when things seemed as perfect as could be. In my heart I still hold out hope that one day Augusta will return to my life and make me the happiest man alive. There's rarely a day that goes by that she's not on my mind at some point; I wonder how she's doing, is she okay, why did she leave me??? This year also taught me a priceless lesson: THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS. I had to set my mind on moving past the pain and exercise the simple act of forgiving. Calling forgiveness simple, is almost a joke in my opinion. If only it were that simple. How can you really forgive a 'friend' who betrays your trust, who shreds all decency from your friendship? A friend who takes part with your enemies in stripping you of your dignity & integrity? A friend who despises you enough to embarrass you & leave you heart broken in front of their 'new' and 'cooler' friends, honestly is it really a simple act to forgive those offenses??? Those scars are engraved so deep that no amount of plastic surgery could erase the pain they bore on me. The outward scars are nothing in comparison to the internal damage. The deep gashes and ridges within that people will never know of. Those are the ones where true forgiveness is practiced best. I'd like to add that those are the ones that make me fall on my knees and ask God to help me forgive and forgive and forgive until I can't forgive anymore, because I don't naturally want to. My mind says I'd rather get even with them; give them a taste of their own medicine. But through God, I've found a new understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't something we deserve or something we can earn. It's SIMPLE: we do it because He says to. At some point we all need forgiveness. I need it on a daily basis, that's for sure. Forgiveness is something to give free of charge, no payback necessary. It's a gift --so I'm going to give it freely with no strings. Oh God how I had to grasp that concept when it came to forgiving Bradley & Brent. I think they did everything possible to rob me of happiness in life. I am done trying to understand why they did the things they did, and why they had to use me in the process. I've done my part, the rest will be worked out between them and God.

If there is anything to be gained from the manipulation and hurt they bestowed upon me, it's better friendships. The two of them taught me a deeper lesson on friendship. I've had to cut some other people out of my life. Unhealthy friendships that were about using me. I've also had to open my heart to accept through forgiveness that God is allowing me to begin new friendships. How ironic is it, that in July I sat at home many nights feeling lonely, and thinking no one loved me, no one cared, all my 'friends' had left me for cooler people. You know the typical "whoa is me" party. Now here at the end of the year I have to schedule in 5 minutes to be alone, because I have gained even better friendships that are about fellowship and growing together. I know it's only because of God's grace on my life and walking it out with Him. For every time I was looked over, not invited, not included, He has returned those invites to me and multiplied them!

Just dance!

I danced until my feet were sore.  Until my legs felts like they were going to give way at any given moment.  And it felt GREAT! I danced...and I danced...and I danced.

Last night was great.  One of the best times I've had in awhile.  I went out and danced with some friends.  Dancing is such a great release.  The week was long, and sometimes stressful but I made it through.  My only weekend plans were to go home and curl up with a book.  As I was preparing to start a new book and my weekend of "rest" I got a call from two of my clients (well now their friends), asking if I wanted to go out.  That call was what I needed!  We ended up dancing the night away...that's the way I like to end a hard work week!

the message of peace lives on

As we approach the Day Of Compassion & World AIDS Day, I think of my ultimate hero Matty Stepanek.  Matty gives me hope when hope seems to be lost forever.  I find solace in knowing such magnificent minds have walked this earth and made peace their lifes message.  Through Matty's life my belief in peace on earth and goodwill to all men still lives on, despite the state of our world today.  It is easy to be influenced by the negativity we face today.  The lack of caring for one another has polluted the good nature of mankind.  And unfortunately it spreads like the plague.

Years ago, when I first heard of Matthew Joseph  Thaddeus Stepanek I was immediately taken aback.  I believe he was ten or eleven years old when I first heard of his story.  I was inspired by him choosing to see the glass as half full, always.  Matty suffered from a rare form of muscular dystrophy.   Dysautonomic Mitochondrial Myopathy.  Through his many 'close calls' with death, Matty continued to PRESS ON and spread his heart song of peace and love to the world.  A message that will never grow old.  I think of his life, his heart, and his dream of seeing the message of peace flow from human to human like a rapid ocean tide that no one can escape.  An ocean of peace that drowns everyone in its path.  Every year when the Day Of Compassion nears, Matty instantly comes to mind.  He lived for compassion.  It's something I want to embody, compassion.  I want all of us to be zealous for the simple act of compassion.  Like Matty, when my time comes to leave here, I too want to know that my life was one that inspired peace and compassion to those around me.  

In June 2004 'our guy', Matty could no longer fight his illness and went home to be with the Lord.  What a loss to the world; an advocate for peace.  Go online or to a local book store and read Matty's collection of poetry he wrote during his life.  Poetry that speaks of peace & hope.  It's inspiration is more profound than you can imagine.  The message is simple: PEACE.  One of my favorite quotes comes from Matty...think gently, speak gently, live gently.  Gives me chill bumps every time.  The simplicity of it, yet the power it contains.  

December 1st is World AIDS Day & the Day Of Compassion.  Go out and find someone to impact, or find something to take part in to show your heart --your real heart!  A heart of love and peace.  And may it live on within you day after day.

"Remember to play after every storm"

-Matty Stepanek

Every once in awhile

As I prepare for this years end, I can't help but reflect on all that has taken place this year. Funny to think, but 4 months ago was probably the bleakest my life has every been. Desolate and alone, abandoned by two people whom I loved and still love with all my heart. Unable to enter new friendships because of the side effects left from previous ones. I really thought I'd reached the end. I mean once those people you completely trust turn on you, who can you really trust from that point? But really I am so thankful that I don't have a give up spirit. Call me a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. Now in retrospect, I am more than grateful to God for seeing me through every hurdle that was presented to me this year. Through it all, I learned that deep down inside there was still something...a part of me...if only a tiny fragment left of who I am. Antonio. There was a hope that still resided, deep below the surface. A glimmer of hope. I had to go on a digging expedition to find it. But there was still something inside, telling me if you just hold on, justice will be served...everything will come full circle.

From the ashes of the friendships 'lost', has risen much stronger, deeper, more passionate friendships than before. I've only remained close to a few friends since the realization that people aren't what you think they are. The remaining friendships are better than I ever would have dreamed. Along the way I've encountered and formed bonds with new intriguing people. People that are stunning. For the first time in my life I've felt that security I've longed for. Security in being me. I've always suffered from black sheep syndrome. It seems as though everywhere I go, I am an outcast...the outsider; something I've grown accustomed to, seclusion. I've always believed that love prevails over all things. Not many people have shared this view with me; in that ostracism I've found strength in being myself. At times I've come across as apathetic, and I know this. All along it was more of a guise to cope with neglect. Neglected needs. Now I'm going to focus on those needs because it feels so good to be alive and happy for once in life. True happiness. Let people say and do what they want to me, but I will never allow ice to sheath around my heart.

No matter how bad things may have gotten for me this year, I am taking some truly valuable and priceless lessons into 2009. Pressing in and pressing on, never giving up.

"I find somewhere deep inside, someone strong still resides...and I know I'm gonna be fine"
-M. Carey