Days like this

This week at work it's been impossible not to notice that Marlee is no longer at Banfield with me. Monday was the most frustrating; loads of appointments, surgeries, & admitted patients to treat. With a minimal staff, the crush of too much work and too little people was overwhelming at best. Luckily Tuesday was a little slower, and also I came to work with the mindset of there's no one else here to help, so figure it out without going insane. I think talking to myself and doing some prepping always helps me to not stress as much in do or die situations. Today wasn't bad at all, the doctor was actually on her A game, appointments were scheduled appropriately to coincide with the surgery schedule. No use in fooling myself, most days won't be like this but for now I'm going to be happy that I made it through the day.

you+me=friends

Wow, it's days like today that make me extremely happy that I've made some changes in the last year.  Necessary changes.  Giving up co-dependence has been one of the changes that has most improved my existence.  Once I gave up the need to feel needed, to feel loved, to feel wanted I found a new layer of freedom and independence;  an independence built up solid ground.  People are great to have in your life, friends are even better.  However, giving too much of yourself and getting little or nothing in return isn't acceptable practices in friendship for me anymore.  That is something I gave up and NEVER intend to do again.  I pray that I never lose the understanding of love and compassion a friend should always have for another friend.  I'm burnt, but not bitter.

When I go to bed at night I sleep with ease.  There's no more longing to feel acceptance from anyone.  I have an inner peace that only comes from growth.  Growth is stimulated by realization; facing the facts.  We all have lives, some busier than others.  When you travel from a distance and make no time to see me for at least a simple 5 minutes within a month, then I say it's your loss friend.  Once upon a time I would have gone all out of my way to MAKE this fellowship between friends take place.  Like I said, thankfully some changes have taken place.

animals don't have feelings

I can't sleep. I can't even think of sleeping right now. My heart has been aching; weighed down by a tragic sadness. I'm no fool, I understand that what's weighing on me can't be fixed by me alone, nor can it be fixed tonight, or this year even. Yesterday as I was driving to work, I thought of all the abused and abandoned pets I pass weekly as I travel; each with their own story. It feels me with this deep sadness that I can't even put into words. A sadness that only grows as I find myself feeling more and more powerless. I work with many of these kind of pets only a weekly basis. Week in and week out, I try to remind myself you can't save them all. I've had a number of people tell me that, and I do understand that I won't be able to save every homeless pet in the world. Like I said I know this can't be fixed in one year or two even.

It's my belief that entirely too many people turn a blind eye to animal abuse. I know there are people out there that just aren't 'dog' or 'cat' people, it's completey understandable; different strokes for different folks. But to NOT report animal abuse is uncomprehendable. I've said before that I refuse to try to understand abusing an animal. There's no point in trying to understand it. No answer will suffice. As the (mentally) 'stronger' vessel, we as a human race tend to neglect the 'feelings' of these living, breathing creatures. That truly saddens me. HOW can you look at a dog or cat and really think they don't 'feel'. Sure, they don't understand ever word that comes out of our mouths, but they do understand kicking, burning, depriving them of food, etc. and that has to make them FEEL unloved, unwanted, NEGLECTED. Report any and all animal abuse! How can people not understand that it's wrong?!?!?? This is not a subject for debate. It's wrong! Failing to report a person abusing an animal is wrong, wrong, wrong!!!

I am in the process of working on a abuse/neglect animal project to help get people involved in animal rights advocacy. I looked through hundreds of pictures tonight, as I compile the images I'll need. The site brings me to tears literally. It's almost as though I've reverted back to a helpless infant, I can't stop river of tears as I sift through the photos. HOW CAN SO MANY OF US JUST NOT CARE! It blows my mind that people see these things daily, and still have the gaul to say animals don't have feelings. Complete bullshit!

Someday...

Do you ever have one of those random (and I do mean random) moments when you're just inspired to STOP and THINK??? Ok, so tonight I've encountered one of those moments. For what reason or reasons I don't know. The future has been weighing on me, more than usual. Naturally I'm not one to worry about the future very much. I'd rather take advantage of the NOW...today....this moment. That's not to say I don't ever think of the future or what my next move will be. For about the last 6 months I've made my mind up that I want to move to New York; the place where I belong. I can't explain it, but I know that's where my home is. I'll admit that it's very scary to think of all I have ahead of me over the next year or so in my preparation. There's something inside me that says "you're home" when I go there or even when I think of that incredible immaculate city. Along with the lingering thoughts of my impending move, comes the thoughts of love. Thinking of it gives me a chill. Love in my personal life isn't something I think of or ever address. I've just been having fun and not really considering the odds of love. It's always been a bit of a joke for me. It's not that I'm running from it or don't want to find it, I'm just not sure if it's in the cards for me. Ok, granted that I'm only 24 years old, it's still a logical concern right? Love is something that I've grown to not think of or even consider for my personal life. Someone loving me for me...forever; through thick and thin, ups and downs. That's deep. Deeper than my mind wants to go. Someday will the time come when I'll grow tired of the fun and games??? I've been told it's bound to happen, but what if it doesn't. I don't feel God has the same plan for all of us. Some people are meant to fall in love, get married, & having kids --the story book American dream. Call me odd, but that has never been a dream of mine. My dream has always been to live alone in a big city, have my dogs, & a few select friends to socialize with. Perhaps I don't feel that personal love is all that important (for my life) because I never saw it growing up and learned early on that people who say they 'love' you often say it out of obligation, but don't really mean it. Like I said, the whole thought is scary. Having to share my life with someone. To give myself to someone, to completely allow someone into my heart on such a personal level. So far I've done a pretty good job of protecting myself from being hurt by 'love'. Though I must admit I came close to losing my grip on blocking out love this past summer. In the process of finding me, I let that guard down. Perhaps that was a mistake. Or maybe not. Either way, I don't think that would have been the time to allow anyone in on such an intimate place in my heart. I knew I was vulnerable, and all I wanted to do was have fun and meet new people. I am still so grateful that I did meet the people I met. I have found some amazing like-minded friends to share my life with. But still will there be someday when I'll release myself from this self-made prison to freely see the world of love the way I should --untainted, unscathed; lying there in its natural beauty. Waiting for me to revel in its astonishing warmth and tenderness. Maybe all of this is meant to take place once I'm home in New York. Or maybe not. At times I want to erase my memory. The scars, the pain, the neglect of my life growing up seems to haunt me. But I refuse to ask "why me" anymore. There's no need in blaming those who neglected to show me proper love. Perhaps no one ever showed them, who knows. Perhaps it's best to just forget about that, one day I'll forget them and it won't matter. I still believe that everything happens to lead us to the place we're supposed to be in the end.

Someday I'll be home

No matter if I'm alone

Someday I'll be happy

I know you don't really see my world

Someday someone's going to love me

The way I wanted you to love me

One day I'll forget about you

Someday I know someone's going to be there...

side profile=ekkk!

Ok, let me just say that Grey's Anatomy has got to be one of the best medical shows ever created. I am completely addicted to the show. Now that I have all four seasons on DVD, it has become my little side project --reliving all the past moments. That's what my afternoon has consisted of.

This morning I went to pose for an art show. I've never attempted something as bold as this before; bearing all my flaws before a group of strangers to draw/sketch/paint. But what is life if you don't experience new things right??? I'll be the first to tell you that I am very insecure about my body. I absolutely hate being photographed from my left side, and I'm not crazy about my right side. I have a really awful side profile. This is a fact that I can accept. So to have people standing/sitting to my left & right while I posed was very intimidating at first. I even thought of pulling a "Mariah moment", and having everyone only view me from my 'good angle'. But you know what, I'm working on not being so insecure with my physical appearance, so I figured what the hell let's go for it. How can you get over an insecurity if you don't face it??? It was an interesting and fun experience once I loosened up. I was amazed to see some of the finished products. I am a huge fan of the arts --always have been, and now I have even more respect for artists. You have to have a real desire and passion to be a true artist, of any kind.

Happy new year!

Happy new year!  Thank God I've made it to see another year!  May it only get better and better, right???  There's something about being about to start over from scratch and give it another try.  I am looking forward to learning from my mistakes and letting the party carry on into 2009.  I was able to cut out some people/things that I didn't need to drag into another year of my life.  No matter how bad things seemed last year or even just a few days ago, I'm not going to worry.  What will be, will be!  I feel as though my focus is set for the new year.  The last few months of 2008 kick started my new life, my new desire to embrace happiness, and my new willingness to seek peace, peace, & more peace!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I've got a right to dream

Today was one of those days were you just kind of exhale, and whisper "why today God, why today?"  Work is my life.  Animals are my life.  I can still say I absolutely love what I do.  The thought of not being able to work with animals is scary for me.  It's my belief that God has a destined path for all of us, that is intricately woven together to allow us all to be a contribution to our world; in a sphere too deep for our comprehension.  I am thankful for waiters at restaurants, teachers at our schools, bus drivers in our cities, etc. Those are all jobs I could never picture myself having and actually enjoying, but we need all these people to help our world maneuver today.  Because of my love for animals, I feel that I'm destined, chosen, picked to work in the field I'm in now. 

One of my fellow co-workers today told me she's leaving to go work for another hospital.  I am very happy for her, really I am, but part of me is deeply saddened.  I can't help but be happy for her, considering that I know why she's leaving.  When you work with people who are ungrateful, and make going to work each day more and more unbearable then eventually something will have to change.  Either those unhappy individuals will see how their negativity is starting to impact others and will choose to work towards a more positive work influence.  Or people will leave.  Sadly I don't think these certain individuals will ever see how their only spreading their bitterness, until we're all gone.  Marlee is one of the FEW co-workers with whom I actually consider a friend and can say I enjoy working with.  My dedication is still to my patients, but we can all only deal with so much.  

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.  If you're surrounded by people who drain you of the gift of life, then you should separate yourself, if it's possible.  I have that control, and I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness any longer.  Life is finally on track.  I'm happy in my personal life, and my work life is still bearable, but I won't become another angry bitter person who makes those around me feel unappreciated.  How hard is it to say "please, thank you, great job"???  I pray with the news of Marlee's departure things will change. 

Here's to being hopeful...