think happy thoughts or at least try

Another draining day at work. Still no new hires to replace our vacant positions. The frustration is mounting. If a co-worker so much as breathes too hard I'm ready to attack. I feel like a lion waiting to pounce at any moment. I hate being on edge like this, I really do. The tension is there, no one can deny it. We have this routine of coming in to work, ignoring one another until we're absolutely forced to speak about work related things (patient care, treatment, etc.) It would make life a little easier for us all if we there were some other people to help lighten the work load. Each day before I enter those doors, I try to think of one positive thing to focus on....as the days linger the positivity is being sucked right out of me. For now I shall sleep on it, tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps it'll hold good news, who knows.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Today I watched What's Love Got To Do With It? The story of Tina Turner's life...her rise to fame, if you will. We all have a story to tell right? Well her's is one to be admired. Most people would have given up and given in before enduring the things she did. I know I probably would have ran for the hills, given the opportunity to foresee the future. But of course the winning factor for me in this story is that the under dog wins! You all know how I'm stuck on that whole passage of how "the last will be first."

The reality is, she probably could have left her abusive husband (Ike) much sooner --year's sooner. Odds are she would still have a very successful career. Like most manipulating, insecure bullies Ike gained control through her mind. He beat her self-esteem to a pulp; to a point in which she felt life couldn't be lived without him by her side. I still can't understand so often people like they 'need' a particular person in order to survivor. A lot of times if you're not careful, that 'protector' that you seek to embrace can be the most dangerous part of your life. I am convinced that once someone has mental control over you, then they have COMPLETE control. Despite what your physical abilities may be. It's all connected to your mind. It's in my opinion that so many abusive, draining relationships linger on for years and years, because one person has mental control over the other one (the weaker one) and isn't ready to let go. It's not 'love' or anything close to it.

Luckily for Tina after years of enduring violent beatings, rants, & raves from her manipulator, it clicked! She realized that deep down he was a coward. No one to be afraid of. It always brings a smile to my face when I see someone gain enough confidence in themselves to say "I can do this alone". Through going at it alone, she became bigger than ever before. She made a name for herself. Manipulation, control, abuse --really, what's love got to do with it?

Keeping my head above the water

Things have been going good this week.  I'm still gripping to the hope that this year will be better than the last for me.  Funny though, this year started out rough.  Co-workers being fired, some quitting, overload of work, etc.  Doesn't it tend to always go that way?  You make plans for peace & serenity; at that exact point in time the storms decide to rear their heads and with all their might, they attempt to blow you away.  Funny thing, how life works.  Let's thank God for therapy.  If it weren't for that, I'm sure having to work with some of the people I work with would officially send me off the deep end.  But whatever, like I said thank God for therapy.

My session Monday was special for me, because I got the chance to stop and look at how much I've grown since starting in September.  All those 'issues' are practically non-existent anymore.  So many people have been left behind during this whole process.  That has been something that I've noticed, when you stop caring what everyone will think, you start to enjoy life.  Who cares what people think???  Just be you!  Whoever that may be.  I used to think that I knew myself, but I was wrong.  I only knew small scattered fragments of the person I am.  Now in putting together all the pieces I have only just begun to see the person I am.  A person with a lot of hurt, accessorized by an extreme load of baggage.  A damaged person; deeply scared from pain of the past.  Mistakes I made have been lingering and hovering over me.  A person with a lot of love to give.  A person who desires to be happy and free.  I do believe one day that I will be able to write a blog in which I can say the bitter taste of resentment, blame, & neglect are gone and done with.  Until then, I will continue to press toward that mark of restoration and enjoy the life I have.  I can't lie, though I have down days my life is a good one.  It keeps getting better.

Insomnia

It's just a little past midnight, 12:34 to be exact. I have to be up and ready for work in about 5 hours, but I can't sleep. I'm wired; wide awake with what looks like no chance of actually falling asleep anytime soon. From the looks of it, one could assume I'm on a coffee high. Nope, I just can't sleep. Insomniac. Yep that's me. I'm a little anxious about this week at work, perhaps that is playing a part in the insomnia party I'm attending right now. Wondering how will I make it through another week of being under staffed, yet still trying to maintain a good quality service hopsital. Along with healthcare for animals, we have to enter each room with a smile on our faces and spend quality time with the clients as well as their pets. I don't complain about it often, because I love meeting people and enteracting with them. Lately I've been so pressed for time, I can't help but think alright granny put a sock in it, I'm here to help your pet. I don't care about your life story. Those kinds of thoughts are not in my natural nature. So this not having enough workers is starting to effect me mentally. This burden isn't solely on me, but us as a group; the remaining few. One thing that will make this week easier than the last is for us all to leave our attitudes at the door. If there's one thing I hate in this world, it's working with someone who has a poor attitude. It causes a hostile work environment. I'll be the first to admit that when I'm affected by hostility in the work place, I only make things worse. Sometimes even I wonder how I can come packed with so much attitude, sarcasism, & negativity. Hmm, perhaps that's what I should talk to my therapist about tomorrow: working under pressure.

Friday, Saturday, & Sunday...pheww, it's over!

Been so busy with work, work, and more work that I haven't had time to write as much as I've wanted to.  There hasn't been much going on since Banfield is holding me hostage ;)  But whatever, I think I'll just do a weekend wrap up.

Friday- My entire day consisted of working and trying to pay bills online between appointments.  I also decided to order myself a new phone (the Samsung Omnia).  I spent the last two weeks trying to figure out if I should buy this phone.  I didn't really need a new one, I wanted a new one!  Then Verizon sent me this special upgrade offer, so I thought this must be God telling me to buy this phone.  Perhaps it was a coincident.  Take your pick.  The offer was only valid through January 27th (see that's how they get you --'limited time only: ACT NOW!' specials).  Less than 24 hours after making my order I felt so grateful that I decided to 'ACT NOW'....

Saturday- While at work everyday I use the calculator in my phone.  It's essential (for me).  I have to calculate medicine dosages, pulse & heart rates, etcetera.  Saturday while I'm doing my daily routine, without thinking twice I go to use my calculator. Well my phone decides it's going to do what it wants.  Long story short, the phone refused to send text messages, or allow me to use the calculator, nor would it let me answer when I received a call.  I had someone take it Verizon for me.  When I picked it up a few hours later I was told that basically they would need to give me a new phone(the same exact kind).  Which would cost me $50.00  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  Really Verizon, are you kidding me?  So naturally I told them "uh no, give me my old phone back".  Is there really a point in buying a new phone, when I have one on the way?  So whatever, I'm keeping the crappy phone until Tuesday.  As far as work goes, Saturday was hellacious!  I thought I'd never get out of there.  I love working everyday, but I'm thinking it'll soon be time for another vacation, in a last ditch attempt to save myself from insanity :)

Sunday- I got to sleep in a little.  I've been spending all my time today at home with my dogs.  It feels so great to have be able to come home to them after having a stressful weekend.  Greeted with yapping, warm kisses, & smiles. 

Oh yeah, I thought I'd share this bulletin that was posted by one of my friends on myspace.  All the reasons why gay marriage is wrong.

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.




2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.




3)Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.




4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.




5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.




6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.




7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.




8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours,the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.




9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.




10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

sarcasm at it's finest :)

Thank God for a new day!

So how about that Inauguration today?!!?!?! Phenomenal right? I am amazed at how far our world has come, especially America. I mean come on, let's be real we have Barack Obama as our nations leader!!! How amazing is that?!? Just think 40 years ago the dream seemed distant, far-fetched, and impossible. Heck, just 4 years ago, the dream seem unattainable. The Lord himself said that one day "the last shall be first"! The fact that more than enough people in our great nation were able to look beyond the color of a persons skin, to give a black man the fair chance of leading this nation makes my heart sing with joy! I'm starting to really believe that line 'we shall overcome'. It invokes a new faith in greater possibilities. Barack Obama does just that...invokes the belief that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! That's a quality a leader must have (in my opinion). If you can't be that spark to influence a nation to embrace change & unity, then you're just another average joe, and the job of President isn't for you.

Seeing President Barack Obama up on that platform today being sworn in gave me chill bumps, literally. I thought Lord this is no longer a dream, it's reality! Hallelujah! I believe this is the change our country needs in order to PROGRESS and go forward. Hearing his speech was another chill bump moment. Love him or hate him, we all have to admit that he reeks of intelligence, sophistication, & charisma. Was that speech not one of a true leader? A man of great faith! I believe that he's going to be a terrific President, though he has a mountain of obstacles against him. He'll be judged of course because he's black, he'll be judged for how he handles the current mess he was left to fix, & he'll be strongly judged for his new, fresh, & creative ideas. Come what may, this is the man for the job, and I believe he's going to be do great :)

There's nothing better

Honestly when do you reach the point where you draw the line??? Say enough is enough??? I feel like 'this room' is beginning to shrink in size. Some of the things of the past are trying to work their way back into my life and deprive of the vital necessities that I need in order to go through life. Peace being the main one. Once you've experienced it you realize nothing compares to it. A lot of 'problems' or 'issues' that would once seem vexing in the past just don't seem to register on that scale of importance when there's peace in your life. I want to continue wading in the waters of serenity, letting the waves of tranquility wash over me. Ah, there is nothing better. When you're able to say and firmly believe that no matter who likes me I'll make it. No matter who has hurt me I'll make it. When you can stand up and say if the world hates me I'll still make it. If all of my friends forsake me I'll make it; if they do care I'll make it, if they don't care I'll make it. If I'm loved I'll make it, if I'm not loved I'll make it. I can make it through rejection. I can make it through abandonment. I can make it through humiliation. I can make it through negative judgement. If I am in the room with 'everyone' else I'll make it, if I'm in the room alone I'll make it. If you approve of me I'll make it, if you don't I'll make it, because I have that inner peace of not depending on people or things to keep me happy. That's where my life has been since the summer of 2008, and that's where I want it to remain and grow.

With that said, I only reached that level by sifting through my life with a fine tooth comb. Threading out all the toxins from unhealthy relationships. I am guilty of allowing myself to keep the connection open with someone whom I can't trust. Trust is not a word I can associate with this person. If I'm going to have friends in my life I want to be able to trust them, admire them, think highly of them. Otherwise why bother? Here I am today though, trying to stand strong and refusing to relive the past. Yet still holding on to the distant glimmer of hope that this person will someday realize how much I tried.