Back to business

When things get tough, plant yourself; stead-fast and focused.  You can't overcome your problems in life when your focus is off track.  I can't go into detail at the moment, but those of you reading know the struggle I've been going through.  I thank EACH AND EVERYONE of you who showed me support.  Thank you for your prayers, listening to me vent, sending uplifting messages and remaining stead-fast with me.  All those nights I stayed up unable to sleep because the stress weighed on me, I am thankful for all of you.  It hasn't been easy.  Never did I doubt my faith, because no matter how intense things may have gotten, I chose to believe!  Many times my faith ran dry and I had to rely on the kind words of friends to carry through to another day.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, when we overcome one obstacle in life, there's a brief reprieve then another test presents itself.  I thank You Lord that this long, tiring, (emotionally & physically) draining storm is over!

I want to share a word of encouragement with all of you who are reading this.  As my Aunt Toni would say "I'm not tell you what I heard.  I'm telling you what I know!"  And what I know is people will try everything within human possibility to destroy you by breaking your spirit.  Don't allow anyone (husband, wife, supervisor, mom, dad, etc.) ever crush your spirit.  When words of encouragement can't be heard from a single being, plant your feet solid on the ground in which you stand, look up and start speaking words of encouragement to yourself.  Even if you don't believe a single thing coming out your mouth, keep speaking words of faith and encouragement.  I can't tell you how much strength you'll find when you continue to say positive things about yourself.  I've been there!  At one point I remember mentally being so exhausted I had to lock myself away in my room.  I turned every light off and wept from heart.  I spoke words of encouragement to myself.  I spoke those words aloud because (for me) there's something about saying it out loud.  I am a good person, no matter what people say or think about me.  I won't let anyone steal my faith, because good will overcome evil.  My life is meant for me to enjoy it, in abundance to the full until it overflows and no demon in hell can take that right from me.  I know someday this storm is going to be over!  I can make it...


Again, thank you to any of you who supported me through one of the most difficult times I've had to go through!  I want to get back to me.  I have a job to do and a life to live...so back to business :)

Blessed

Within the inner sanctum of my soul I hear a quiet voice saying "pray, pray, pray".  There's nothing more to do but pray...and wait.  Fighting away the anxiety that comes with waiting feels like a relentless battle when all you want is for things to change.  It feels like that change can't come soon enough.  Either way I'm here to say that I've planted my feet and I'm going to wait.  Wait on the Lord.  Joy will be restored in the lives of my lost friends, as long as there's breath in my body I'm going to believe that things will change.  It's been ordained, joy is on the way.  I've never believed more than I do now, but His word shall not return void, and though weeping my endure for a night joy will come in the morning (Psalm 30:5).  Only the Lord knows how precious that passage is to me.  I've seen it through so many dark times in my life.  Never once have I been let down by it.

I've had nights where I've all but drown in my own tears, crying out "Lord help me, I can't go on", thinking I was going to succumb to the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, & anger.  But every time I've been brought back to that scripture.  I know now that weeping is only temporary when I am willing to hand it over.  All of you that read this I want to encourage you to hold on because joy is on the way.  I want to close this with the song that I'm listening to right now.  The words have inspired me so much to just hold on....just wait!  I am believing the best will happen in the lives of those I love, no matter what they're going through.  We're all human and dark times try to bring us all to our demise.  I am so thankful that I didn't end it when I felt the pressure increase because now I know that my bigger purpose yet to be served in this life...

I may never climb a mountain so I can see the world from there
I may never ride the waves and taste the salty ocean air
Or build a bridge that will last a hundred years
But no matter where the road leads 
One thing is always clear


I am blessed from when I rise up in the morning
Until I lay my head to rest
I feel you near me
You soothe me when I'm weary
Lord for all the worst and all the best
I am blessed 


These are the lyrics that changed my life forever, because in that moment I remember saying to God that I'm done.  This life is not worth it anymore and this song started playing.  And at that moment it hit me!  I'm blessed, He's not done with me, and joy was sure to come in the morning!

hanging on

Better days are ahead, certainly.  I know the Lord will not continue to let these issues increase.  Have you ever dealt with something so long that you begin to physically see yourself change before your own eyes???  I know that I'm where I should be, this is my destiny.  Despite what may be going on around me, I genuinely love my job and nothing can change that.  People will be people and I have to bear with things until His will be done.  In the midst of all my struggles and doubts, I have a strong feeling emerging from my heart softly whispering to me "the fight is almost over, hang on".  I am not at liberty to speak about anything work related, but friends I ask you say a prayer for me.  I need strength to continue on.  I'm a fighter, and it takes a lot to take me out.  I have no doubt things will work out in my favor, but still strength is needed right now in order me to continue functioning.

The Golden Girls

Nothing compares to having a day off and relaxing all day while watching The Golden Girls!  Funny stuff!

The Challenge: If You Really Knew Me

I watched a MTV reality show tonight, "If You Really Knew".  I'm still in awe at the veracity of this show.  It really awakened many things in me, perhaps things that I have neglected to deal with for whatever reasons.  The show is based in a new high school each week.  The goal of the show is for different groups to open up and expose certain facets of their lives, that people probably haven't taken into account.  Numerous times during the show I found myself in tears, physical tears that I couldn't control.  At one point I even found myself thinking what is wrong with you.  Hearing the different confessions really hit home.  I used to be many of these people!

I thought to myself I know what you're going through and it will get better, only because I've been there before.  I can remember what it was like in high school too, and even as an adult I've had to battle a lot of these issues.  I know that feeling on loneliness, as though the world is drifting away before your eyes and no one bothers to help save you.  There were confessions of ongoing turmoil at home that affects the daily interactions these kids have outside of home.  Those were the particular confessions that made me regress back to the days that I thought I'd never survive.

Fortunate and blessed are words I use to describe my existence today, because more days than not, I didn't know if I'd make it to the next day.  I wanted things to end because life wasn't worth living on.  No one loved me anyways.  Things were so awful at home that my ability to cope was withered and didn't seem to be pointing in a good place. Within my spirit the will to live was completely gone.  It's like all my hope reached a point of irrelevance.  Nothing will ever change, I thought.  Those who I felt were obligated by God to love me didn't do that.  Family???  Psssh, yeah that was a joke.  They didn't care or at least they didn't show it, that's for sure.  I grew up alone and isolated.  The man who I thought was my father neglected me in every sense of the word.  My mom cared for everything but me, it seemed.  Having to go to school and deal with secondary issues only applied more pressure.  Not being able to talk to friends because of the embarrassment of my private life only wore me down faster.  Sometimes just simple act of smiling at people felt like a job.  I learned to bottle it all up.  On several occasions I felt I'd come to the end.  I did everything I knew to do yet nothing seemed to yield positive results.  Of course I could go on, and expose more specific details, but it's not about that tonight.  Just know that I made it.  It's possible for anyone out there to make, despite the naysayers.

In retrospect I see that everything has its place and time.  The Lord blessed me with the right people to carry me from one level to the next.  These individuals validated me and appreciated the love I had buried beneath the rubble of anger and pain.  The main person being my precious Aunt Toni.  My eyes are watery just thinking of how she saw something me.  Her support guided me through, no matter who was in my life she remained that constant.  There were others who saw my heart and embraced me and I appreciated each one of them.  I'm so thankful for those who inspired me to live on through the darkness and pain.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Though we're all spread out across the country now, I'll never forget a single person who helped keep me afloat.  I dare not think of where things could have gone had God's infinite timing not prevailed.

Like the show, I challenge all of you (including myself) to go back to square one.  Love.  It's just that simple.  The rest falls into the proper place once we take it back to basics.  Stop caring about religion, race, sexuality, and the slew of other issues we put so much emphasis on.  Until we start grasp the concept and power of love, nothing else matters.

Looking forward to tomorrow

Plotting my demise only inspires me to fight harder.  I believe that good will overcome evil.  It's that simple.  One way or another.  This week has been a stressful one, but you know what I'm here for the long haul.  I don't know if next week will be better but I'm willing to take it on and give it my best shot.  Nothing, and I do mean nothing will stop me from looking forward to tomorrow.  Storms only last so long.  Good night....

-A

Good morning

Good morning.  I'm about to leave my apartment and make my way to work.  I'm leaving this weekend behind, because I know a higher power is looking out for me and justice is always served.  I plan to bring positive energy everywhere I go today, despite what is taking place around me.  Life is what you make it.  I'm still not happy with the way some things have transpired, but I know in due time it'll be addressed.  I hope everyone has a great day :)