Fly Like A Bird

OK--

So I said earlier in a blog this month that July represents freedom for me. A lot of negative things took place last July that led me to this point of freedom. As I sit here, I confess that I feel more free in my own skin than I ever have before, but at the same time I feel more imprisoned than ever. It's as though subconsciously I ignore the reality of my major trust issues. They're here, alive and well, but being ignored. I mean I just flat out don't trust most people. I've cut off about 85% of everyone I used to associate with, and some of "cut offs" are probably just the aftermath of the negative force from last year. I think my initial intentions were good and needed in order for me to progress; just get rid of the people who you don't trust. But in doing that I think I started questioning everyone in my life. It's as though I was "looking" for a reason to end friendships. Now my closets inner circle of friends is Teckie (of course), Joan (my ex employer), & my therapist. But I love it, I really do. The small group works for me. I can sleep at night without wondering who is real. If I can't keep these 3 friendships together, then perhaps I'm the problem haha. It's a Friday night and I'm home, by choice, because I'd rather be alone with my pets than be hassled with the hoop la of socializing with unhealthy people. Being put in situations of mental torture of the unveiling of fake people. That brings me back to my original point, though I feel free, I feel more imprisoned than ever. I think I'm not venturing out more because it's a form of protection; I can't be used or rejected if I don't make myself available for people.

I really believe I'm being renewed (slowly) and the ashes of former pain are being washed away. I may never be as social as I once was, I may always have trust issues, who knows? I don't think the people who tried to break me realize or care that their selfishness has left me with an almost incomparable complex. Most of the time just knowing that is my inspiration to enjoy my life more than ever, choosing to not let them rob me of another moment of joy that belongs to me! I leave you tonight with some of the lyrics from the Mariah Carey song "Fly Like A Bird" that helped to comfort me and bring me through that hard time...I still have to lean on these words a lot of days...

Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now Lord, carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home

Minor details

In the hustle of every day life it's easy to forget the little things. Taking notice to the minor details that help to form the big picture is so often not even noticed. I've said many times that I am blessed to have a job that I love. I don't work in this field because I have to. I do it because it's my love, my passion, & my heart. I haven't vacationed since December 2008, so I've been feeling a little burned out lately. Working with animals is a breeze but when you factor in owners, co-workers, & corporate it can all become exhausting. I've become to wrapped in me to be frank. You know the whole woe-is-me saga --"What about ME! What about ME! what about ME!" Shame on me! Really I should be ashamed. Once again God sends me little reminders that there's a bigger purpose to my life and working. Something bigger than my own personal satisfaction. Helping animals, helping their owners, building a trusting relationship that makes each person feel as though their pet is receiving the best care possible. That should be my focus. But I confess that in my "burn out" and "exhaustion" I've spent a lot time griping & complaining about small things. I am at a point where I would much rather do treatment and prevention, and avoid going into rooms and interacting with the owners (clients). I call it people burn out. I love the animals...but the people??? Not so much haha. I'm only kidding, but you know what I'm trying to say! People talk too much, they're too demanding, & a lot of them are just mean for no reason!

OK I am spiraling now. Back to the point, over the last two weeks I've been given a reminder that it's not about me! Blow to my ego huh? The owners of one of my favorite patients, mailed a card to the hospital for me. In the card they told me how much they appreciated my devotion to their pet and family. This really made me smile, because the Lord knows that particular day was one of those when I wanted to give up. But the story that makes me weep for joy of good hearts comes from another client. This past Monday at work was beyond busy. We were all aggravated, stressed, & exhausted, but around 5:00 I noticed one of my clients waiting in a long line at the reception area. I knew she was there to see me, but I thought "she's going to have to just wait because I'm too busy to bothered with her." Very selfish of me, I know. I've beat myself up about it every day since. After waiting around 35 minutes, it was their turn to see me. I called her (and her two sons) into an exam room. The whole time wondering "wait, where's your dog?" They weren't there to see me with any medical questions or issues, instead they brought me two watermelons. She told me she remembered me saying once that I love watermelon. She went on to say they didn't have much financially, but in their backyard they had a small garden of watermelon. It really touched my heart because I know how much it meant to her to bring those to me. To be honest I had forgotten that in one of our random chats that I mentioned how much I love watermelon. It also reminded me that no matter how little we have, God still shows us ways to give & show love. Minor details can be made into a major impact. God bless them. Their act of love, humility, & gratefulness will forever have an imprint on my heart. Sure this means nothing to a lot of people, but I see the bigger picture.

Isabelle update

Here's Isabelle, after finding her emaciated 2 months ago. She's become such a sweet and playful dog. I am still actively looking for her a home, only because I am overrun with pets haha. She & my Yorkie (Gibby) have bonded the most out of the whole crew. These pictures are from earlier today. Growing stronger everyday. Good night friends.

-A

Speaking of love...

I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes on love. I find a deeper level of inspiration when I embrace the beauty of these words, speaking of love and it's power.

"love never fails, love is true, loves the one that can always change you" S. Orrico

"if I give all I possess to the poor and the helpless, I'll still gain nothing without love" S. Orrico

"I believe in love, I believe in peace" -C. Lewis

"Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas" D. Evans

"Where there is love there is life" -GANDHI

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread" -Mother Theresa

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver" - B. DE ANGELIS

"We need not think alike to love alike" -F. David

"With Gods love you'll survive" -M. Carey

"I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear" -O. Winfrey

Be inspired too friends, go out and love, love, love until you take your last breath.

I didn't know my own strength

Today was my regular therapy session. I always look forward to the Mondays I'm scheduled to go, I can't believe I've been going for 10 months now. I have no choice but to look back and laugh at my "plan". The original plan being, to go for about 6 months, then come out completely restored, stronger than ever, never needing anyone --haha. What a joke right? I am still going every other week, because through therapy and talking things out I've (unknowingly) been placed on a journey of finding myself. This was particularly funny because I thought I knew myself. Another joke. It took being used, abused, & abandoned to make me seek help. Today that hurt no longer controls me, because I learned the simple truth that "we take the hits and move on." I find myself more thankful for those situations that led to the realization of what dangerous friendships I was in. That one night where my heart was laid vulnerably before my perpetrators. And though they're all wrong for their part, I find solace in knowing the Lord had a lesson to teach me. Placing all my faith and hope in a person or a group of people is a no-no. After they all turned their backs I had only God and my best friend (Teckie) to rely on. It's a priceless lesson. My heart is still covered in scars, and I find myself not trusting people with ease anymore, but they couldn't take the love out of me. I still believe love is the movement & act that impacts life more than anything else. I've decided nothing will ever take my hearts song. I believe in love, plain and simple. No matter the hurt and scars I refuse to let go of my passion for the love of humanity. Love is something we all need. Love is one of the few things we can give freely without any conditions. Here's to freedom! July in more ways than one symbolizes freedom for me; free country, free heart, free love, free to live life and make an impact.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADISON:)

Very good weekend. I worked all day Saturday. We're weren't terribly busy, things moved at a manageable pace and I for one am thankful for that! Saturday was also my precious Madison's 6th birthday. I can't believe she's been with me for 6 years already! It just doesn't seem real. I love her to death though she packs more attitude than the world allows, I wouldn't take her any other way. She has me trained to her liking...yes that's right, I admit she has me trained LOL. I hate I had to work on her special day, but I think she forgave me once I brought home some of her favorite treats (Dingos). Since I had today off we officially celebrated her birthday with her siblings Jack, Isabelle, & Gibby. Of course because she's Maddie, she wasn't fond of sharing her treats. God I am so blessed. I couldn't picture my life without the company of furry four legged children :)

Michael Jackson memorial service at the Staples Center

Today has been an emotional day for millions of us throughout the world. I watched the memorial service for the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. It was executed with perfection, in true Michael Jackson fashion. Hearing the choir sing "Soon And Very Soon" as his casket was brought in by his surviving brothers made me cry. In that moment it hit me. This is real, he's really gone. I'm not sure what it was. The site of the casket, his mourning family, or the somberness flowing around the world today. As I watched Mariah deliver a choked up, emotionally drenched rendition of "I'll Be There" I couldn't help but to weep. The tribute was appropriate, only focusing on the beautiful person who loved the world and gave so much of himself to help improve the lives of others. I believe that where a persons heart resides, is what we should focus on. How can you not love someone who has heart full of love, compassion, & inspiration? I will forever be inspired by Michael's fighter spirit. Though he was ridiculed, ostracized, & abandoned by many he still remained true to his "heart song" of loving, giving, and loving even harder. Through love we can accomplish anything, for love is the seed that gives life to life. We have his music to continue inspiring us everyday, but still we'll weep, for a true star has fallen.

As I sit here and reflect on his life and today's memorial service I weep even more. For different reasons now that I've calm down from the service. I weep not because we (the public, the fans) have lost an idol, but I weep for his innocent children. At 7, 11, & 12 I wonder how they're coping...do they understand all that has happened? Seeing Michael's daughter briefly speak of what a great father he was tells me all I need to know. He was a great man. I hate seeing children in distress, my heart literally felt a jolt of pain as she broke down in telling the world of how much she missed her father. I think the moment that really broke me in two was seeing the youngest son (Blanket) weep endless tears as his older sister sobbed. Children are the most pure thing this world has to offer, and to see their emotions on display before the world was heart wrenching. God bless them. Say a prayer for them.

Man in the mirror

It's been a long, long, long day and now I'm preparing for bed. I have some of my favorite Michael Jackson songs playing. I am still deeply upset by this whole tragedy. I've tried to stay away from mainstream media because I knew without a doubt that his name would be trashed during this time of sorrow. He lived a very sad & lonely life filled with a bunch of leeches. Every time I think of it, it brings a dark shadow of pity to my soul. The man loved by millions, was probably the loneliness of us all. I couldn't imagine being surrounded by hundreds of people, most of which I felt couldn't be trusted. That alone would drive me mad. Maybe now in his untimely death Michael can finally get some peace. Forever gone are the worries of this life. Tomorrow is his memorial service. I'm hoping this will bring about the beginning of some closure and acceptance of everything. I still get chills when I hear "the king is dead". It's just one of those things you never really think will happen.

I pray that along side his undeniable musical influence, he leaves a legacy of IMPACT for mankind. His humanitarian efforts will forever inspire me. The best place to start with making a change is with the 'man in the mirror'. God what a message he had in that song. This is a sad, sad time. God bless. RIP MJ...

Another part of me

HAPPY 4TH of JULY!!! Let's celebrate life and the freedom we have in the United States! I love holidays and movements that promote and represent freedom. This weekend has been rather calm, but still a lot of fun. I've been busy working, but I love it so I'm not complaining. Therapy went great last week. I feel like we're still getting so much accomplished in my life. Everyday I am seeing all the blessings I have in life more and more. This month is particularly special for me, because it represents my personal freedom. At this same point last year most of my blogs were pretty bleak. Someone that I loved, adored, & held in high admiration betrayed me, publicly humiliated me, and left me lost and confused. In retrospect I look at the situation in the light of positivity. Through the drama, I found out who my real friends were, I learned to not be co-dependent on anyone, & the most valuable lesson of them all was that I needed to embrace myself. I set out on the journey of discovering who Antonio is; the real me that resides under the rumble of brokenness. A year later I stand here, more confident than ever before; continuing to watch myself grow. Watching the wounds of the past slowly callus over, leaving thicker, more well rounded skin that can withstand much more than before.

This month I'd like to post blogs of inspiration based on the lessons I learned over the last year. It's a celebration of life! I still live with Teckie's infamous words of wisdom in my heart, "we take the hits and move on" (go back and read that one). I still remember reading that line in an email she sent me in response to all the negativity I had going on in my life. And it's so true, we have to take the hits and move on! There's really no other choice, except to give up on life, and that's no option for me! Once again, celebrate your life and your freedom. Good night.

Antonio

Napoleon complex

Bullies are very annoying to me. I don't tolerate bullying from anyone. There's something in me that is easily angered when I see someone else being bullied. I would rather someone try to bully me instead, because I know I can hold my own. My therapist has told me over and over again "it's not your responsibility to protect everyone." But by the same token I feel that it's natural for me to speak up for those who are too afraid to speak for themselves. Right now I know someone who is being picked on/bothered without just cause, and frankly it's pisses me off. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that the "bullies" see this person as the 'weaker' vessel. How sad it is that one persons esteem can be beaten so badly that they fear taking a stand and (rightfully) taking up for themselves.


I'm no fool, I understand a lot of my anger issues with bullies initially comes from my childhood. I never had anyone to stand up for me, so my options were simple: let everyone walk over me or stand firm against anyone who tries bringing me down. I remember many times standing up against my mother, her boyfriends, bullies at school. Even if I was scared to death, trembling inside, I never showed fear or that I may have been intimidated. One of the earliest lessons I learned in life, is that when you show fear it gives the bully control. So even if you're shaking in your boots, you still lock eyes with that pathetic trash, and speak firmly and make it known that you're not budging. I've been attacked with intimidation tactics, verbal insults, public embarrassment, etc. But I think when it's all said and done people genuinely appreciate a person who is willing to take a stand. I could write a book of all the mean, malicious, & vindictive assaults I endured as a child. I choose to focus on the fact that I'm still standing and none of those people won control of my life.

I have on other choice but to be there for the less fortunate. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of someone being bullied. Most bullies have a Napoleon complex anyway. Not really sure of themselves, afraid inside because of the assortment of issues they refuse to deal with. Those of you who know me, understand I feel about doing the right thing. Please say a little prayer that I am able to convey the point without having to take it too far LOL....we'll see! Have a good day everyone!