Fly Like A Bird

OK--

So I said earlier in a blog this month that July represents freedom for me. A lot of negative things took place last July that led me to this point of freedom. As I sit here, I confess that I feel more free in my own skin than I ever have before, but at the same time I feel more imprisoned than ever. It's as though subconsciously I ignore the reality of my major trust issues. They're here, alive and well, but being ignored. I mean I just flat out don't trust most people. I've cut off about 85% of everyone I used to associate with, and some of "cut offs" are probably just the aftermath of the negative force from last year. I think my initial intentions were good and needed in order for me to progress; just get rid of the people who you don't trust. But in doing that I think I started questioning everyone in my life. It's as though I was "looking" for a reason to end friendships. Now my closets inner circle of friends is Teckie (of course), Joan (my ex employer), & my therapist. But I love it, I really do. The small group works for me. I can sleep at night without wondering who is real. If I can't keep these 3 friendships together, then perhaps I'm the problem haha. It's a Friday night and I'm home, by choice, because I'd rather be alone with my pets than be hassled with the hoop la of socializing with unhealthy people. Being put in situations of mental torture of the unveiling of fake people. That brings me back to my original point, though I feel free, I feel more imprisoned than ever. I think I'm not venturing out more because it's a form of protection; I can't be used or rejected if I don't make myself available for people.

I really believe I'm being renewed (slowly) and the ashes of former pain are being washed away. I may never be as social as I once was, I may always have trust issues, who knows? I don't think the people who tried to break me realize or care that their selfishness has left me with an almost incomparable complex. Most of the time just knowing that is my inspiration to enjoy my life more than ever, choosing to not let them rob me of another moment of joy that belongs to me! I leave you tonight with some of the lyrics from the Mariah Carey song "Fly Like A Bird" that helped to comfort me and bring me through that hard time...I still have to lean on these words a lot of days...

Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now Lord, carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home