Here I Am

Who am I?  What is my life about?  Certainly all the stress of the last few months isn't all there is to life.  

I've have been pondering those two questions a lot within the recent weeks.  I am finally beginning to have some clarity and understanding of some things.  I don't have all the answers as to why life has been going the way it's going.  To have a "friend" decide to up and leave you high and dry when you need them most is probably one of the most painful things you can have happen.  To just give up on you and not care about your feelings.  Sometimes I wish I could make all the pain go away myself.  Unfortunately, I'm having to walk it out like everyone else who goes through this kind of situation.  Perhaps I shouldn't use the word unfortunately, because with each day that goes by I gain more clarity of the situation.  With that clarity I find more strength to go on alone.  I lose hope that this person will ever come to realize what they did to me hurts on a level that I can't even begin to explain.  Each day that this person continues to keep their back turned to me, I still find a way to survive and deal with everything that is going on in my life.  Things that I would typically be able to rely on this person to help me through.  I'm now having to rely solely on myself.  Walking alone really makes you see the world differently.  Though I still can't grasp just leaving someone in such a hateful, malicious way I know it happens to the best of us.  Why should I be an exception.

Over the past week I've had more freedom than I've in a very long time.  Getting to go out and dance, have lunch with old friends, & just hang out has been great.  I've met some new people in the last week that I'm getting to know.  So far I like them a lot, but if I find out tomorrow that they don't like me I've learned that I can live through the rejection.  No matter what people may or may not think of me I can still have an impact in this world and continue to be used for Gods will.  I do have lonely moments where I find myself missing the human contact and interaction.  But I keep telling myself "God all I need is You", and I feel that if I hold tight to that and believe, then one day He'll allow what's happening to come full circle in my life.  Despite how sad I may find myself I believe that my value in life isn't found in acceptance from people, in the end all that will matter is Gods acceptance of me. 

Through it all, I still believe that there are truly amazing people in the world who care for me.  There may not be many, but that's OK by me.  I had an intense talk with Tracy last night.  She's honestly one of the few friends I can say I have left.  She's been here for me before, when this "friend" left me a few years ago.  I don't know why I didn't listen then and just get out while I still had the chance to salvage some of my dignity as decent human in the world.  Oh well, it's too late to worry about what I should've done.  The damage has been done and I'm starting over.  I am here, so if you're looking for someone to be there and be true, here I am.  Give me the chance and I'll give you all I have to offer. 

one day at a time

I've been blogging more than usual lately for two reasons: to keep those who care updated on all that has happened with me and I find emotionally uplifting to be able to write about how I feel and get it out there.  Today has been a good day.  At times I've been kinda down & sad because it still hurts to think of how much my life has changed in the last week.  But I'm continuing with my plan to move on and be strong.  I only have a few more days until my vacation begins.  Today I talked with the person who hurt me.  I felt more closure than I could have ever imagined I'd feel.  While listening to them I felt empty in a sense.  I still haven't been given a reason as to why I was left by the wayside, but I can be honest and say I'm fine with not knowing.  I don't want to know anymore.  Too many good things are coming from the madness that I thought I couldn't survive.  I feel as though by the person abandoning me I was emptied of a lot of things and it makes me happy to truly know this person now.  Because through the abandonment, I've been forced to move on and not turn back.  I think how we respond to situations shows our character and who we are on the inside.  There have been times since Saturday that I've wanted to go to war and strike the final blow, but I know God has taught me better.  If vengeance has to be served, then He'll do it.  This situation is out of my hands.  I am finding myself beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I believe one soon I'll be happy again.

Coping with neglect

Update:  I'm doing much better.  Last night I hung out with new people for the first time.  One person in particular that I truly had a "connection" with in terms of my view of life & friendship.  I still kind of have my guard up because I don't want to be hurt again.  And I don't want to jinx anything, but I have never felt more understood than I am right now.  I've bared myself before this person, scars and all.  I have wounds that are still healing, in the mean time I am going to give it my all to live on & forgive.  It's a constant reminder to myself to not give up on all people because of one person taking advantage of me.  I'm still looking forward to having some time away to think and relax.  I've already begun to see God's purpose in all this.  And I know it's for the best.  It has not been the easiest week of my life, but I'm hanging on and doing what is "right", even if it is hard.

Quest for freedom

It's an emotional roller-coaster, one day I feel like I can live on through anything, then I feel like I'm a worthless sap who has the strength of a kitten.  I can be bold and honest with everyone right now and say my life is in shambles.  I know some people don't understand where I'm at, sometimes I don't even think I understand.  Abandonment effects us all differently.  I know that with the love and help of my few friends I can survive.  Above that, if they all decide to abandon me tomorrow I know with God I can survive this battle.  Though it hurts, so deep that I feel a physical pain each time I think of the situation I know I'll be OK.  I feel as though I'm making progress.  Very slow progress.  I have met a couple of great people who seem to really get my vibe and care about the same values in life as myself.  But if there's one thing I've learned from this experience that is ANYONE can put on an act.  Then without warning just leave you high and dry.  And have a good laugh while doing so.  With the assistance of some medication I've felt much better than I did last week when the "final" blow took place.  But I know medicine isn't the answer.  I'm going to take some time off and go away for awhile to gather myself and seek a professional opinion as to how I can move on without anger and vengeance in mind.  I was skeptical of what people would think if they knew I was seeing a therapist, but the good news is I don't care.  I've got to do what is best for me and do what will help me continue to be a contribution to the world.  I haven't given it just yet, so don't count me out.

WRITE ME OFF --but I'll keep thriving

This weekend took a toll on me.  But I am more thankful for the brutal reality I was faced with.  I can even say I'm ashamed of the humiliation that came with it.  Maybe I deserved it.  It was to humble me??? Or at least that's what I'm saying to rationalize the maliciousness that the person intended just for me.  It's so easy to say you're done with someone, but it's much harder when they have a part in your life.  When the person is not just one of your "superficial friends", you can be hurt deeply by some of the things they do.  Trying to work things out doesn't seem to be what I'm supposed to do and I know that now.  I know I've said it time and time again I'm moving on past it.  Emotionally it's taken everything in me.  I'm not sure if the emotional exhaustion has caused me to "shut down" or just block it out.  But I don't feel any anger for how I was treated.  I know it's kinda odd, or maybe it's just the peace of knowing it's time for it to end.  I'm counting my blessings, I came out of the situation alive, sane, & with my dignity of knowing I gave it my all.  So here I am, before everyone,  flaws and all, saying HERE I AM. Take me or leave me. I'll survive.

I went to talk all of this over with my psychologist (who I consider one of my few true friends).  Having someone understand and relate to the pain of neglect and abandonment helped me.  I pray that the strength I feel now continues to embody my mind when I am tempted to get weak and give in.  Maybe this is the way it was meant to be.  I am still a little torn, because God has placed some new truly lovable, fun, caring people in my life.  People who share the same values as me --like minds.  But when I feel things are getting close I immediately revert back to this on-going situation.  Will they use me too, then leave me?  Surely they must have some motive.  Well what if I do give them a chance and find out they're not who I thought they were?  The thoughts are endless.  It's a fear.  I don't want to get hurt like this again, but I don't want to carry around my little bag of side effects and ruin potentially good friendships.  So I say I'M NOT GIVING UP so don't count me.  If these new people turn out to be individuals I shouldn't be around I'm going to trust God to reveal it to me and carry me on.

Through all of this, I have come to see that I've invested too much time into being friends with almost everyone.  I'm sure things will said about me having a break down, but oh well, people will talk.  I prefer to think of it as a breakthrough, on the quest to find my sanity & peace.  But I am writing a lot of "friends" off.  To them it'll be as though I disappeared off the face of this planet.  I've died.

But I know somehow I'll be OK.

There's someone bigger than me

With each day that passes things are getting better and better. They're not perfect, but I know as long as I'm alive things will never be perfect. All I can really do is seek peace in every circumstance that comes my way. A major problem for me is always feeling the need to be my own problem solver. Some problems are just too big for me to even begin to attempt to know how to solve them. I've seen time and time again, when I give up trying to be my own protector, He shows up and lifts me above all the mountains I tried climbing on my own. Last night I got a good nights sleep for the first time in awhile. Earlier during the evening I found myself stressing about money and how to fix some other problems, when I realized that all my worrying wasn't going produce any instant results. I know everything that is going on right now has to have some purpose. So I'm leaving it all in Gods hands, He'll take care of me.

Today was a great day at work.  I honestly felt like I had a little more on me than I could handle, but I kept in mind that everyday is a test and my attitude plays a big part in my passing or failing.  All of my clients today seemed to be in a grateful mood --which is unheard of.  One of them even brought a gift to the hospital and wrote a really nice letter of appreciation for the care I provided for their pet.  That truly made my day.  When you do what you love for a living, to have someone recognize your heart & effort is unparalleled on all levels.  I know that for all the worst and all the best I am blessed.  Everything is going to be work out in my favor.

A week of learning

This week has been trying at best.  Despite all that's going on, I am going to keep a positive outlook.  I'm sure somewhere below the surface of things, I've come to this point for a reason.  There's got to be a meaning behind it all.  More than anything this week, I've re-learned the importance of doing what's right.  No matter how hard it is to admit you're wrong, it brings about a sense of peace to accept the truth.  It's often more difficult to accept the truth about ourselves.  I am more than happy this week is over, but all in all I'm taking the lessons learned and moving on.  Forgiveness is powerful.

Exhausted

Another day huh? Today has been a pretty good day. Very busy with work of course. I didn't really have time to think of the current things that have been vexing me. That is one reason why I loved being consumed with work, things get so busy you have to remind yourself to breathe. I did have lunch with Tracy & Mrs. Betty today. I feel really awful, because I think I came across a little rude. This is one of my closests friends, who is down from New York for a few weeks. She repeatedly said that "something is wrong" cause I wasn't being myself, or the Antonio that she's known all these years. I honestly wanted to say I'm not even sure of who I am anymore. Or at least that's how it feels. I truly regret letting everything I've been dealing with to play into how I treated her. But I just didn't have it in me to be social, as pathetic as that sounds. I'm just exhausted. Run down from exhaustion. I'm not one for giving up without a fight, but I'm feeling like I've fought and fought and I'm in a losing battle. Defeat stinks. But what more can I do? It takes at least two people to make anything work. And at this point all that keeps ringing in my mind is "just let it die, with no goodbye's."

I blame you

I'm learning that sometimes the end of a thing can be a blessing. At the end of my life I want to know that I did what I felt was right. No matter what others have to say. Over the last couple of days I've given some thought to how I handled myself Saturday. It really wasn't something I am proud of. I did feel compelled to make amends for my childish behavior. So I contacted the person to apologize for all the things I did wrong. At the time I kind of felt like maybe the friendship could be saved. But after talking tonight, I see that they're only interested in blaming their personal problems on me. And that's a lot for me to chew on, being that I had no idea I was making them "lean" one way or the other. I think everyone has a free choice and will to do as they please. I've decided I don't want to be "friends" with someone who is going to put the burden of blame on me for decisions they've made.


Sometimes it's better to just move on and accept it'll never be the same.

The end

Where do I begin?  I can't even know what to say or how to say it.  Well I can say that right now I'm overrun with a conglomerate of emotions --freedom, imprisonment, love, hate, happiness, sadness, peace, rage, joy, pain, guilt, pride, and confusion.  Yesterday was without a doubt the best and worst day of my life.  So many things took place so fast, that I don't think I've begun to understand them.  It was like an outer body experience.  Watching myself and not being able to stop myself from saying and doing things.  I honestly allowed my hurt and anger to take center stage in my decision making.  In retrospect it wasn't the wisest decision I could have made, but at the same time I felt as though I was being freed from a lot of unnecessary stress.  Stress I've been carrying around with me for a few years now.

Yesterday I ended one of my best friendships.  Or what I had been somehow convinced was one of my best friendships.  It was something that was bound to happen.  It had been coming for a few months, but I chose to ignore the reality of the situation.  I was being used for mere entertainment.  I must admit that Teckie told me about four years ago that this person wasn't healthy for me to be around, but me being Mr. know-it-all chose not to heed her warning.  Often times the ones who truly care for us can see elements that we're just blind to.  I wish so bad that I had listened all those years ago.  It would have saved me a lot of personal pain & embarrassment.  

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust a person or group of people again.  Not only did I have to end a friendship with one person, but with their entire family.  I think that's what is bothering me.  There were casualties, people who should have never been caught up in the cross fire.  I barely got an hour of sleep last night because it was all I could think of.  I know I can pick up the pieces and live on.  I've survived before.  I'm still here, aren't I?  I'm not saying it'll be easy.  Even though this person was one of the unhealthiest people I could have ever met, I still allowed them to become part of my life.  And sad as it is, even people like that mean something, and you can't just forget them.  Though I'm sure I've been forgotten by this person, since they never cared to begin with.  Funny how what we run from in order to keep "peace" always catches up with us huh?

anytime you need a friend

It's hard to believe that July is here already.  I swear yesterday was the end of May.  But whatever, I'm thankful to have survived another month in this crazy Alabama heat.  Though I have a strong feeling that the worst is yet to come!  Next month my life long best friend is getting married.  Teckie & I go back as far as I care to remember.  I credit her for helping me survive those insanely crazy high school years.  I'm overwhelmed with joy for everything going on in her life right now.  You know there's got to be a God when He sends people like her into your life.  I admire the honesty & integrity she's always upheld, even when we were teenagers.  Consistency, consistency, consistency!  How rare is it to find a person that is true through and through???  There's a never ending case of the fake people, but it feels good knowing there's someone else who lives & believes like you do.  We were probably the only teenagers I knew (at the time) that cared to enough to go out and promote the ONE campaign and ending world hunger & AIDS.  And it's a fight I'm sure we'll both continue to fight until we go home to meet the Lord.  I don't think I know a more direct person in my life.  I know if I need someone to give me the hard hitting in-your-face truth, I can call her up for a beating :)  A lot of friendships wouldn't be able to take the blunt, direct, unbridled truth we dish out to one another.  I'm truly thankful for our friendship, it has only gotten better & closer with each year that passes.  It shows that distance and insanity of schedules can't break a real friendship.  We're both busier than we've EVER been in our entire lives --taking five minutes to breath is almost impossible, yet we've still kept communication a top priority.  When I have my down days and I feel like no one cares or understands me I remind myself that there is one other person who (kinda) gets me and that's enough for me.  Let's all give God a smile for sending us life long friends!  I'd added a few pics, just kinda show us through the years.