I've got a right to dream

Today was one of those days were you just kind of exhale, and whisper "why today God, why today?"  Work is my life.  Animals are my life.  I can still say I absolutely love what I do.  The thought of not being able to work with animals is scary for me.  It's my belief that God has a destined path for all of us, that is intricately woven together to allow us all to be a contribution to our world; in a sphere too deep for our comprehension.  I am thankful for waiters at restaurants, teachers at our schools, bus drivers in our cities, etc. Those are all jobs I could never picture myself having and actually enjoying, but we need all these people to help our world maneuver today.  Because of my love for animals, I feel that I'm destined, chosen, picked to work in the field I'm in now. 

One of my fellow co-workers today told me she's leaving to go work for another hospital.  I am very happy for her, really I am, but part of me is deeply saddened.  I can't help but be happy for her, considering that I know why she's leaving.  When you work with people who are ungrateful, and make going to work each day more and more unbearable then eventually something will have to change.  Either those unhappy individuals will see how their negativity is starting to impact others and will choose to work towards a more positive work influence.  Or people will leave.  Sadly I don't think these certain individuals will ever see how their only spreading their bitterness, until we're all gone.  Marlee is one of the FEW co-workers with whom I actually consider a friend and can say I enjoy working with.  My dedication is still to my patients, but we can all only deal with so much.  

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.  If you're surrounded by people who drain you of the gift of life, then you should separate yourself, if it's possible.  I have that control, and I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness any longer.  Life is finally on track.  I'm happy in my personal life, and my work life is still bearable, but I won't become another angry bitter person who makes those around me feel unappreciated.  How hard is it to say "please, thank you, great job"???  I pray with the news of Marlee's departure things will change. 

Here's to being hopeful... 

December wrap up

Wow, this month has been so busy I've hardly had the time to blog!  Now that's just not acceptable.  The new year is only days away.  What a year it's been.  What a month it's been.  Me and my estranged friend over the past year, Augusta, mended our broken relationship.  I thank God for that.  Everything fell together in the right timing for us  to (unexpectedly) cross paths and talk.  In my heart I always prayed that something would happen to bring us together before this year ended.  So I'm very thankful that we are back together...thick as thieves!  I spent a lot of time preparing for my Christmas trip to New York City.  It was phenomenal!!!  Felt good to get away from Alabama, and experience some culture.  My desire to move there has multiplied 3,000 times over.  I feel more out of place every time I trek back to the south.  Not that it's a bad place, but it's not the place for me.  How amazing it is to be able to wear what you want, do what you want, and be accepted just for who you are.  That's my kind of place.

Last night I went out to celebrate my 24th birthday with some friends.  I can't help but think of all the blessings from this year.  Being with friends and people who I feel genuinely love and care about me makes me smile inside.  I can never forget the feeling of being unloved and ostracized for most of the year.  I was happy to spend my birthday with Stephanie & Cale, I consider them my saving grace.  My life has only gotten better since becoming friends with them.  Those are the kind of friendships I want to pursue in 2009.  I should be able to say "my life is better with you in it".  What's the point in having people in your life that only drain you of happiness???

Forgetting all the pain of '08...pressing on to face the wonders of 2009.

"but I won't give up tomorrow, cause I've come to life again" :)

Reflections

I had today off, most of which I've spent watching season two of House, on dvd. Doing nothing...ahhh, it feels so great sometimes. Only 29 days left in this year, and what a year it's been. The last few months have been the happiest of the year, but I can't forget all the tears I sowed in this year to reach this point of rejoicing. The journey was long and winding with many unexpected hurdles. I spent many nights angry, upset, confused, & alone begging God to take away the pain. Asking 'why' so many bad things had to happen.

The first half of the year was spent fighting to keep one of my childhood best friends in my life, little did I know she was already gone. It's hard to grapple with the realization that someone has abandoned you without warning. Especially when things seemed as perfect as could be. In my heart I still hold out hope that one day Augusta will return to my life and make me the happiest man alive. There's rarely a day that goes by that she's not on my mind at some point; I wonder how she's doing, is she okay, why did she leave me??? This year also taught me a priceless lesson: THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS. I had to set my mind on moving past the pain and exercise the simple act of forgiving. Calling forgiveness simple, is almost a joke in my opinion. If only it were that simple. How can you really forgive a 'friend' who betrays your trust, who shreds all decency from your friendship? A friend who takes part with your enemies in stripping you of your dignity & integrity? A friend who despises you enough to embarrass you & leave you heart broken in front of their 'new' and 'cooler' friends, honestly is it really a simple act to forgive those offenses??? Those scars are engraved so deep that no amount of plastic surgery could erase the pain they bore on me. The outward scars are nothing in comparison to the internal damage. The deep gashes and ridges within that people will never know of. Those are the ones where true forgiveness is practiced best. I'd like to add that those are the ones that make me fall on my knees and ask God to help me forgive and forgive and forgive until I can't forgive anymore, because I don't naturally want to. My mind says I'd rather get even with them; give them a taste of their own medicine. But through God, I've found a new understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't something we deserve or something we can earn. It's SIMPLE: we do it because He says to. At some point we all need forgiveness. I need it on a daily basis, that's for sure. Forgiveness is something to give free of charge, no payback necessary. It's a gift --so I'm going to give it freely with no strings. Oh God how I had to grasp that concept when it came to forgiving Bradley & Brent. I think they did everything possible to rob me of happiness in life. I am done trying to understand why they did the things they did, and why they had to use me in the process. I've done my part, the rest will be worked out between them and God.

If there is anything to be gained from the manipulation and hurt they bestowed upon me, it's better friendships. The two of them taught me a deeper lesson on friendship. I've had to cut some other people out of my life. Unhealthy friendships that were about using me. I've also had to open my heart to accept through forgiveness that God is allowing me to begin new friendships. How ironic is it, that in July I sat at home many nights feeling lonely, and thinking no one loved me, no one cared, all my 'friends' had left me for cooler people. You know the typical "whoa is me" party. Now here at the end of the year I have to schedule in 5 minutes to be alone, because I have gained even better friendships that are about fellowship and growing together. I know it's only because of God's grace on my life and walking it out with Him. For every time I was looked over, not invited, not included, He has returned those invites to me and multiplied them!