The ultimate freedom

It has taken me a few days to get to this one. I've been in disbelief, really. My heart is filled with a genuine sadness for Michael Jackson, someone that I always felt was gentle spirit. A very misunderstood person. As someone who has always been a huge fan of his music and humanitarian efforts I can't help but feel an emptiness, knowing he's gone forever. Music wouldn't be what it is today without his influence. It'll be hard to find one active recording artist today who in someone hasn't been (musically) inspired/influenced by Michael. I believe that we all got a tiny glimpse into his heart with songs like We Are The World, Man In The Mirror, Heal The World, and even the song Ben. A caring person, one of peace, one who yearned to heal a broken world and unite people.

In a way I find solace in his death because he can finally rest. The rumors don't matter anymore, the pain of a non existent childhood won't haunt him anymore. He's reached the ultimate peak of freedom. I've always felt or had the impression that apart from his undeniable talent, the person residing inside was a very sad, lonely, & scared person. I think that's why his death really upset me. He never quiet seemed to fit or get that chance at being "normal". Now he can finally rest and not worry. I pray for his family and the other fans. Music has truly lost a brilliant genius.

Love is the first step to restoration

I want to begin with making a statement from my heart: Love will never fail! I believe with everything in me that where there is love there's no room for failure. Lately with all that has been going on in my personal life and things I've shared on this blog, I've come to the recurring conclusion, it all boils down to love. Just accept it. Tonight I was reading the "love chapter", in 1st Corinthians. It's always been among my favorite passages from the bible, because despite what faith we believe in there's one thing that unites us all. Love. Understanding and practicing love has been a lifelong journey. When I think I've got it figured out, I am faced with the reminder that I am still but a child in this world trying to find my way. Here I am again hanging on to hope of love.

Those who have wronged me, used me, talked about me, purposely inflicted pain in my life, I would still like to still practice the act of love towards them. Of course, this is where I fail the most. Once you've crossed me, I usually hold it deep in my heart. When I'm hurt in any manner I tend to withdraw, because with betrayal comes a deep pain. In order to not experience that pain, most of us choose to become totally self reliant. In many ways it does protect us. But I've found that if you become too withdrawn because of past hurts, ice sheaths around your heart, and it blocks you from expressing love and compassion. And I don't want to live a life that lacks in love and compassion. Those are fundamental building blocks to living a happy, successful, & meaningful life -in my opinion. I want the atmosphere around me to reek of love. Without taking things overboard, I want to practice love until the day I'm called home. There must be balance. I don't think we're supposed to live a life that is devoted solely to ourselves, nor should we devote our life to trying to make everyone happy. I'll be the first to draw the line when I think people are viewing me as a doormat.

You can do all the good in the world, but without having love in your heart it amounts to nothing. I am fortunate to be in a position of doing a job that I have a true love for. So on a daily basis I get the chance to practice love. The job isn't always pretty, that's for sure, but because I love it and it's my hearts love to help enrich and improve the lives of animals and their families. Practicing love in that respect is a breeze for me. But I've become callused to the act of love when it comes to those who have wronged me. I've been tested many times, and failed each time because I find it almost impossible to practice love with someone who has hurt me. But there's a message in 1st Corinthians that speaks louder than any other movement in this world, LOVE IS WHAT WE ALL NEED! Not a judgmental love, but rather a love that says I'm here for you, plain and simple. To stop loving someone because you don't see eye to eye is shameful. I must stop here and say I am so thankful and grateful for having special people in my life (though they are few) who practice this kind of love with me. You know who you are, thank you :) But the point I am trying to make is we should all put a premium on love. Everyday let's practice love. Especially on those days when it seems like we could care less about love. Turn the heat up and love harder!

I'll keep you posted on how this movement goes for me...I may be ready to throw the towel in by next week haha.

Good night,
-A

You're all I know, I can't let go

I'm having a situation where a part of my "past" is trying to come back in my life. Though I should know better, I've been battling (in my mind) what I should do. Clearly this shouldn't be an issue. The answer is plain and simple: WALK AWAY AND STAY AWAY!!! STAY FAR AWAY! For the last 4 months I've realized and 'accepted' the fact that there needs to be no more "we" or "us". Well, I say I've 'accepted' that fact, but here I am pondering where to go with the situation. So I use the word loosely. Losing or parting company with someone 'special' to you is a hard thing to do. Trust me I went through many nights trying to figure out what I could do to save things. Then the answer finally hit me, after weeks of deliberating with angel and devil on each of my shoulders. There was nothing I could do but move on and accept that "our" season had run it's course. Dang, there goes that word 'accept'...again. Looks like I need to go back to square one and study the definition. Now here I am months later, new and improved, loving life; completely moved on (or so I thought). When this person decides to acknowledge me, again. Being forgotten is something I've grown to live with. A lot of 'friends' have seemed to master the forgetting part of our friendship rather well. But my mind continues to play games, finding reasons to defend the one who in many ways used me, just took me for granted. This game is sick. My mind should (naturally) defend ME! The fact that I was a good, true, & faithful person/friend the entire time, a person who didn't deserve to be forgotten is what my mind should cry out. Instead I'm tortured with the good memories, the fun times, we private times in which I learned so much about this person that completely stole my heart. I am guilty of giving advice that I, myself, don't always practice in my own life. I won't be used anymore, by anyone. I guess I should give myself the advice I'd give anyone else in this situation: grow a pair and have some respect for yourself, please!

Obsessed

The reviews are in and it's official Mariah is back! Her new lead single obsessed from the forthcoming album Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel hit radio airwaves yesterday. Most of her (harshest) critics are giving this song credit for it's approach at staying "current", while remaining a signature Mariah track. Either way, the song is making it's rounds. In less than 24 hours the song has become a hit at radio. Already being hailed as the "2009 summer anthem". Do yourselves a favor and add this one to your iPod :)

2 reasons

I enjoyed my day off. I got a lot of house work accomplished. I am getting so used to having Wednesdays off (thanks Dr. Bragg:) You're the BEST!!! OK, so that was the epitome of pretentiousness haha. I do it all in good fun this time, I promise. I think the more we learn to not take ourselves or life too seriously, we'll enter a realm of serene pleasure. The feud with her will live on forever, because I do not like her, and she doesn't like me; furthermore, I (personally speaking) have accepted the fact that we don't like each other. I prefer it that way, then there's no confusion.

Anyway, I'm not about to do a 'bleak' post about any sort of drama. I am super excited for two reasons: 1) Mariah's new single "Obsessed" will be released to radio next Tuesday (June 16th). For those who know me, every time Mariah releases new material it's like Christmas for me. Takes me back to being a kid. This of course means I'll have to be in NYC when she shuts the city down. 2) Tomorrow is game 4 of the NBA finals! The Lakers vs. Magics; no question I am all for the Lakers! I think the world of Kobe Bryant, just on personal level I think he's pure talent - the best! Watching him on the court is like nothing else. You can compare it to watching Michael Phelps in the water. I mean he's just a complete phenomenon on the court. A true sports icon, he'll live on in history forever. The Lakers won the first 2 games of the finals, but lost game 3, so tomorrow I am really going to be pulling for my team. Nothing but serenity in my life, for now. I am going to take it for all it's worth! Good night everyone...

Vacation time is approaching

Today is a beautiful Sunday. I have the window up in my room, allowing the lulling breezing to waft in the natural aromas of the spring weather. Work has been extremely busy the last two days, busier than normal. I'm not complaining though, we live in tough times and having a job is blessing. So having a good job gives me even more of a reason to be thankful. I want to put a premium on finding balance in life. I think working is great, but it has consumed my life consistently since the start of the year. I haven't taken a vacation and haven't really put much thought into taking one. But I know a thing or two about burn out. For me, it usually happens when I don't take a little time for myself. I need to find some time just for me to enjoy myself without it involving work. I could work with animal medicine and treatment everyday of my life. Through therapy I've learned that even though I love the job, making it my life 24/7 isn't healthy either. So my pledge is that within the next month I will have a solid vacation plan-SET IN STONE! Wish me luck!

Precious

"Bye Bye" (by Mariah Carey) is playing in the background as I am posting. Not intentional by any means. I've got my iPod on shuffle, but for what it's worth, the song is very fitting for this moment in time. Today was by far one of the saddest days of my life. On my way home from work I received a message from Bradley's mother (Lorie) to please call her ASAP. I was sure the message was linked to their 13 year old Lab, Precious. Over the last year her health has been declining steadily. I've treated her with every form of medical attention I knew possible. She'd been a real fighter, vigorous until the end. When I went to the house to see her for myself, my heart instantly sank to my gut. My hope dissipated at the site of her. Seeing her unable to walk or control her back end was painful. I was faced with the one question I hate more than anything, "is it time?" I'm not good at making that call, ever. Seeing her worn condition though, I knew in my heart it would be wrong to make her endure more suffering beyond this point.

The drive to Banfield was long and silent. Even though I knew what was coming, I don't think I fully realized it until we were in the exam room. Thank God for Christina & Dr. Sonmor. There was no way I could have done it without them. Though I've had my issues with Bradley, in that moment none of it matter. When life and death enters the scene, it takes center stage over all other matters. Seeing Christina hold off Precious' vein as the euthanasia solution was injected broke my heart. Watching her body give way was surreal. The day I'd dreaded was staring me in the face, taking a life, and making no apologies. Inside I was screaming "Stop, stop!!! Let's think of what else we can do! This isn't the time!" Even though I knew it my heart there was nothing else we could do. As Dr. Sonmor said, "this is the last nice thing we do for her, end her suffering." I've built such a connection with her over the years. Saying goodbye was much harder than I anticipated. The special thing about a dog, is the loyalty they have, no matter how bad a person treats you, they will still love you. No matter if your best friend forgets you, they won't. That's what I think of when I think of Precious. The loyalty she had. In her eyes I could see that she knew her pain was about to end. God it hurts so much knowing that it's over now. I pray for peace and closure for her family. I can only imagine the pain they're feeling right now, knowing she's not coming back. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. Animal lovers know how much it hurts when we lose one of our furry friends.

You can rest now Precious. You're suffering is over. Sleep now...

Peace in my heart

I'm laying in bed, blogging from the iPod (this gadget is so useful in more ways than I imagined). Everything has returned to normal at work. I'm still standing after all is said and done. I no longer work with the person who brought so much stress into my life. It wasn't my choice for things to work out this way, personally I will take on the challenge. She couldn't deal with an honest person who believes in the oath of the medical profession: do no harm.

I thank the Lord for giving me this love that resides in every fiber of me. Animals are my heart and my true love. Once again I must say that I am more than thankful for the support of my clients. The really make me feel appreciated. Especially during these last few (rough) weeks. After all, they trust me to take care of their "kids". I want to have a bonded relationship with them, in a way I see them as extended family.

I rejoice that this battle is over. I know more storms are brewing...and there will come a time when they'll attack. I hope to be prepared, or at the very least remained firm in who I am. I think that's a key component in being successful; being true to yourself no matter who or what come against you. I have an optimism in my heart that tells me I'll be OK. For now now I'm going to press on and seek peace. It's a never-ending quest, but I'll keep on this road until I breathe no more.