Countdown to 2010!!!

Looking forward to ending this year!  I'm happy that I've made it this far, and I pray to see the next year too.  I'm 25 years old now and determined to grow a little more, see a little more of the world, enjoy my life a little more, give a little of myself to my job--simple 'resolutions'.  This year I was very successful with something that I thought would bring about more peace in my life...STAYING AWAY FROM NEGATIVE PEOPLE!  Some think I went crazy because I went on a massive downsizing socially.  Of course the people that thought I was going mad are the people I chose to rid my life of.  Haha funny how that works huh?  Seriously after the seeing  positive energy that came from getting rid of unnecessary people I am convinced that I did what was right.  I'm an independent person who doesn't thrive on the social scene (anymore).  It's overrated--plain and simple.  Give me a glass of wine and a classic movie alone any day over some pretentious, self indulging, judgmental people.  Take it from me: keeping life simple can change your life for the best!  To the few people who are always in my corner (and you know who you are :) THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  I'll see you next year for sure :)

New years plans?  It's looking like a few drinks with my a couple special friends....ringing in 2010 with a ray of positivity.  I hope ALL OF YOU have a wonderful new year!  I'm pretty sure this will be my last blog for 2009.  Of course twitter.com/thatguyantonio will keep you updated until I blog again :)

Love

-A

P.S.

Joan- thank you VERY much for the painting!  I can't stop staring at it (sounds a little 'self-indulging' LOL) but I really do love it!  Couldn't have asked for anything better :) 

Merry Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! ENJOY CHRISTMAS MARIAH STYLE :)

Shame on you Mary

I spent 7 1/2 hours waiting in line to see Mary J. Blige at her album signing at Best Buy (@ Union Square) Tuesday.  Her newest album Stronger With Each Tear was released the day before.  I've always like Mary for the message in her music and her growth into a positive performer.  I think I would have come out better by just allowing myself to admire from afar, because the whole process truly pisses me off every time I think about it.  Of course I don't want to keep thinking about it, but you know how it is when something really pisses you off; you find your mind wandering back to it -- it's practically impossible to stop myself.  It just keeps popping up in my head.  The weather was cold & frigid (hello in New York in December), 24 degrees is serious enough, but when combined with angry New Yorkers who were pissed because we were blocking the street outside the store, it only makes it worse.  I was #6 in line, not a bad spot.  After about 3 hours my body started trying to succumb to the elements, so I played the whole "mind over matter" bit.  Frozen hands, feet, face, & starving...then "Mary's people" came to tell us that she was on her way, but first here's a few things you must know:


1. NO PHOTOS-if you're caught with a camera or phone you will be removed from the line
2. PLEASE DON'T ASK MS. BLIGE ANY QUESTIONS
3. DON'T ASK HER TO PERSONALIZE YOUR CD, SHE WILL SIGN HER NAME ONLY
4. DON'T ASK FOR A HUG OR HAND SHAKE


If I hadn't waited so long I would have walked away at that point.  Are you kidding me?  I know Mary is a legend in the R&B/Hip-Hop world, but let's be real she's no Michael Jackson or Mariah Carey.  7 1/2 hours and I can't even get a photo, a hug, or ask the bitch a question?  Please tell me this is a joke.  Anyway whatever, I got my autographed and told Mary really quickly that I'd been waiting for over 7 hours--she made really good eye contact and said "oh thank you so much, really"...what the crap?  By the end of the whole ordeal I was pretty much over Mary & the hype.  I can't even bring myself to listen to the CD.  I've tried twice but it pisses me off to hear her voice now.  And now her smurf hair style annoys me even more...everything about Mary pisses me off! So I've decided to try to make the best of the situation.  I'm putting the autographed CD on eBay...bidders take your mark

STAND

2009 has been a year of immense growth for me.  What was started in 2008 really took off in 2009.  I've been molded into a place of self assurance.  I know who I am and what I want.  With this metamorphosis I've encountered many a battles on the personal front.  In fact, I can't say that I'm not enduring some new battles at this very moment.  I know I've been blessed beyond all measure just by the fact that I'm still here today, standing.  Of the lessons I have learned this year, there's one I'll keep with me forever; the realization that it's better to just STAND than run. Many, many, many times this year I was brought face to face with new and bigger fears. Many times when there were no answers at the moment to settle my heart and emotions, I would just stand.  Thinking: either I'm going make it through this or it's going to defeat me, but either way I'm not running back.  Move forward or don't move at all.  I think it's the whole mentality that no one and nothing is going to make me run anymore.  Forward motion is a sign of progress, things are changing, improving, and lessons are being learned.  Running back is the complete opposite.

I can't help but think of those who meant nothing more than to harm me, kill my spirit, take the love and compassion from my heart.  Sorry, you didn't succeed.  I know 2010 and beyond will have it's Christa Bragg's and family members who will plot to dig a grave for me.  That's called LIFE.  But more importantly I know that with those negative elements if I remain true to who I am I will always have the right people in my corner.  I'm not sure if I'll get to post again before the year ends but if not I want to say a very special and dear thanks to those of you who have remained true.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!  Back to New York next week...and I can't wait :)

Love,

-A 

Precious: the review...and saying good bye to my friend.

Last night I went to see the movie Precious.  I feel like everyone should see this film.  It's just as brutally raw and emotional as the book.  This is certainly not a "Hollywood" film, forget the watering down of a persons life.  That's why it has the ability to stick with you in your heart after you leave the theatre, because it brings you face to face with how it is to live in the life of Clareece Precious Jones.  I was pleased with the crowd that came out in support of this amazing work.  The audience was filled with laughter, tears, and at times a deep sympathetic silence while watching Precious bravely fight every battle presented.  It amazes me how much the human soul care deal with in one lifetime.  Mentally this movie is beyond realistic, there were many times I'd hear a line and think "I've heard that before too Precious, I've been there."  Movies that tug on our heart strings and inspire us to be a better person always win me over.  I also love how director Lee Daniels put a primary focus on Precious' way of coping with the pain--escapism, through living a fantasy life; the perfect mother & father, nice "light skinned", great friends, & fame.  All of which Precious didn't have, but she never stopped dreaming and taking herself out of her horrible reality.  I think at times it was her only saving grace.  Sometimes the dream of overcoming our circumstances is all we have to inspire us to give it 100% and press on to the next day.  This movie is a must see!

Lastly I want to say farewell to my late friend James Newberry.  My heart is heavy and filled with sadness to lose such an incredibly gentle soul, with an inspiring zest for life.  This truly saddens my heart beyond anything I can verbalize right now.

We're all Precious

Wow...all I can say is wow. This book is brutally graphic, depressing, & slightly uplifting. At times I was forced mentally to put it down and "take a break" to compose myself before reading on, yet the theme of "we're all precious" manages to breakthrough after all trials and battles of this tragedy of a life. This booked has literally changed my heart and my life. It challenged me to open my mind, soul, and every part of my existence at the acceptance of the unacceptable. I think all who embrace this piece of literature in its unapologetic rawness will be impacted for the better.

That's a brief review I wrote on facebook about this book.  I am writing about the book Push (which can also be found under the title 'Precious') because it stirred something in my spirit.  I've learned when I encounter those moments of influence and impact I need to spread the word.  I can't keep it to myself.  There's a physical pressure I feel all over my body when I'm talking or thinking of this book.  There were a few times while reading where I had to literally put the book down, go in a dark room and just sit.  How many times have I walked passed or looked over Precious?  She's everywhere, all over this world.  Here but not here because to most she's invisible.  Just another statistic.  I don't think I've ever read a piece of literature so utterly raw.  I laughed, cried, laughed a little more...then cried even more while trying to get through this book.  I think it's hard for people in general to accept that this is life for some people, possibly people we know ourselves.  I don't want you to read this book just so you can cry or feel sorry for this person.  I want you to read it in the hopes that it'll open up a part of you that's never been tapped into before.  I'm all for loving mankind and spreading love, but this showed me that I am still but a child on this road of life.  I saw parts of myself in Precious which really caught me off guard.  I never would have thought I'd have ANYTHING in common with an obese, illiterate, sexually abused teenager from Harlem.  Now I see any of us can be Precious Jones, any one of us.

back again

I've been away for awhile...again.  The journey of life is never-ending.  I've been beaten, bruised, broken, & put together again, continuously seeking the path in life that will give me purpose.  A thought that is sticking with me and refusing to let go is to focus on being a better person than I was yesterday.  I can't let my downfalls and heartaches turn my soul cold and bitter.  Forgiveness, love, & pressing on.  My mind is set, I will try harder today to open my heart and mind a little more than I did yesterday.

New album in stores now!!!

This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime� 6.5 or higher is required.

Tomorrow is Monday and I'm believing with everything I have that this week shall be better than the last. Last week was one of those weeks where everything decided to go wrong all at once. I had to take a couple of days off work to deal with life and re cooperate from the unexpected. Things aren't much better as I write, but I think my outlook plays a huge part in winning the battle. I hope all of you have a great/blessed week. Good night...

-A :)

Family values

OK, did I say I love Nancy Grace? Haha...and here she goes again with Jon a.k.a. the family values guy.

This is why I love Nancy...

And this is why I am a Nancy Grace supporter. I know (in the eyes of some) she gets a little carried away at times, which probably understating by a long shot, but she's in-your-face truth and to the point. I've never seen Jon & Kate Plus 8, it's just not my kind of TV. But since they've been on every magazine and all over other media outlets with their marital drama, I've learned a little bit about this show. I won't give my opinions, but I do think this clip of Nancy ripping Jon a new one is hilarious LOL, kudos NG, kudos :)

I Want To Know What Love Is

Return from burn out

As most of you know I've been off work for the last week. Gathering my thoughts, soul searching, and everything in between. I returned to work today, and wow what a difference a week makes! Being away from everyone and everything helped me to reemerge with a renewed since of love for my job. I've felt like I've been going through burn out with it for the last month or so. Not that anything about the job has changed, but you know what it's like when you reach a point and say to yourself "I need to take a break to be alone because I'm losing my desire." Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY JOB. For me, it's the only thing I can see myself doing. Animal medicine is embedded into the deepest crevasses of my heart! I dream it, I breath it. To be honest I think I was feeling burn out due to the combination of stress at home, difficult co-workers, & sometimes the demands of the clients just becomes too much. Honestly I was to the point where I dreaded with my whole heart seeing clients (even those with which I'm close to). It seems like the ones that I didn't get along with turned the fire up higher, and those that I cherish most seemed to only want more and more. And it's like what more can I give you without going insane? The only constant factor in the equation was the love for working with animals all day. I don't know what I would do if that love ever left my heart. I can do without all the people that come with the territory, but the animals help complete my existence. Better their lives is my purpose for being placed here.

This morning at 9:00 sharp, I warmly welcomed with two back to back emergency cases. If you don't know, emergency cases are always my favorite because it really tests your strength(s); your emotions, your knowledge, your heart. Often you have to put aside what you've read and listen to what your heart is saying is right for this particular patient. A lot of the time there's no room left for error, and waiting on the help of others isn't an option. The rush of it all is what draws me to emergency cases. The unexpected happening. Who cares if there's blood running how your pants, or if you're getting filthy? Knowing you're caring for someones family member outweighs all personal offenses. I'd rather be drenched in urine, blood, etc. than to tell an owner that their pet has died. It does happen sometimes of course, but at the very least there is some comfort (for me) if I know I did all that could possibly be done, knowing that I gave it my all. I'm just here to say I'm back to my love...let's see what tomorrow brings. Until then, cheers to having a job in this economy. HERE, HERE!

Pressing on

I'm back, kind of. I've had to take some time away to gain clarity. I am happy to report that things are getting better. I am taking everything a day at time. I felt rather beaten down a lot last month, due to a major attack of negativity. That's life, right? I continue to strive for a better me. Everyday I want to grow stronger, I want to become wiser. Each day I wake I want to try a little harder than the day before to understand the concept of love. It's what motivates me. Love. More than anything I want embrace forgiveness.

Cutting ties with certain family members has brought an indescribable sensation of peace. I continue on my quest for peace. I've found one of the best things one can do in seeking peace is to listen to your heart. Forget what others would say or think, because ultimately it's you who has to live with the decisions that are made.

Better days

Life is very blah right now. Trying to keep my head above water. Every door that holds a blessing behind it seems to slam in face. I'm just extremely frustrated right now. And I know I should be off somewhere alone gathering my thoughts, but I feel the need to vent! I feel like no matter much of a good or decent person I am, it doesn't matter. I'm tired of sitting around watching those who have hurt or used me get lavished in blessing after blessing. Lord I just want a break in this storm. A break for me to regain my strength. But as Janet Jackson once sang "sometimes life just isn't fair, so why complain nobody cares".

Isabelle's new beginning :)

For those of you who have been following my Isabelle story, I have great news! After being spayed 2 week ago, she was adopted out Saturday to a really nice family. The couple adopted her for their two boys. She seems very happy to be with her new family & appear to be genuine animal lovers. She was also featured in Sundays Dothan Eagle. Thankfully she was adopted out so fast. She's such a sweet pup. Have a toast to Isabelle's happy ending :)

Time stands still it seems

Today as I was driving to work to check on a few patients, I had what I can only describe as a "moment". I know it's a very undescriptive word, but it's all I got. I was listening to MJ (Michael Jackson). There's something about his music that relieves my stress. Songs like P.Y.T., Blame It On The Boogie, Rock With You (one of my all time favorites), & the Jackson 5 classic Got To Be There. His talent was on a completely other level that will never be reached again. As I am driving-- windows down, sunroof open, with Billie Jean turned all the way up I am moved to tears. It's almost like I still can't believe that he's gone. We're at almost two months since his passing, and it's still not real. It's like one day I'm able to say OK he's gone-- I got it now, then there's days like today when it feels like a train crashing unexpectingly & abruptly; back to square #1...acceptance. Wow, what a loss.

Thank you

It's been a few days, but I'm back briefly. I must begin with saying THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone in my corner in any way, shape, or form. I've been laying low over the last week, trying to get things sorted out. The last week has been emotionally draining, so many times I really wanted to just give up. At times I've felt defeated; perhaps this battle just wasn't meant for me to win. When family turns on you, uses you, lies to you, and lies about you, what do you do? Mentally it's all be very unhealthy, and has been for many years. I learned the hard way that throwing a coat of paint over a crumbling house won't fix anything. Also I've come to see that all things in life aren't designed to be fixed. There's a point where the line must be drawn. The starting point is looking out for me. I've played the caretaker long enough. I have no problems doing it alone and parting ways with all of them. They were unhealthy for me anyway. Very sad to say that about "family", I know, but the facts can't be debated.

There's been such a heavy weight on me, which is why I've not responded to emails, phone calls, or text messages. It's one of those things where I am seeking peace in any form I can find it. Right now being alone and keeping a clear and focused mind is helping me, I believe. I will admit that I have some fears about the future, but I'm holding tight to my faith. I know that everything happens for a reason. I've been blessed with such beautiful people to help me be the best I can be in life. I do appreciate you so much, more than I can convey at this moment. As I write tonight I am playing the one song that saved my life, literally. It's titled "Blessed" (by Rachael Lampa). I find it particularly inspiring for it's simple powerful message of knowing that no matter what's going on I'm blessed. No matter what happens I'm blessed. No matter who comes against, turns on me, seeks to harm me, I am still blessed. In 2002 I was put in a situation in which it was get out or die. As I sat alone in the car ready to call it a wrap, my life was nothing and there was nothing worth living for, I heard this song come on the radio. I'd never heard it before, and I wasn't looking for any type of "inspiration", because my mind was made up..."my life is over." Call it what you want, God speaking to me, luck of the draw, or whatever. I firmly believe this song was intricately woven into my life at that moment to help me see the bigger picture; life is so precious, a fragile gift to be cared for like a rare and priceless jewel- don't ever give up no matter what is going on. Though I'm down tonight, I know that I am blessed. I'll hold my head high, and soon...soon I'll be alright. Good night friends. I leave you with some of the lyrics to this precious song.

Love,
-A

I may never climb a mountain so I can see the world from there
I may never ride the waves and taste the salty ocean air
Or build that would last a hundred years
But no matter where the road leads, one thing is always clear

I am blessed, I am blessed
From when I rise up in the morning, till I lay my head to rest
I feel You near me, You sooth me when I'm weary
Lord for all the worst and all the best
I am blessed....

Fly Like A Bird

OK--

So I said earlier in a blog this month that July represents freedom for me. A lot of negative things took place last July that led me to this point of freedom. As I sit here, I confess that I feel more free in my own skin than I ever have before, but at the same time I feel more imprisoned than ever. It's as though subconsciously I ignore the reality of my major trust issues. They're here, alive and well, but being ignored. I mean I just flat out don't trust most people. I've cut off about 85% of everyone I used to associate with, and some of "cut offs" are probably just the aftermath of the negative force from last year. I think my initial intentions were good and needed in order for me to progress; just get rid of the people who you don't trust. But in doing that I think I started questioning everyone in my life. It's as though I was "looking" for a reason to end friendships. Now my closets inner circle of friends is Teckie (of course), Joan (my ex employer), & my therapist. But I love it, I really do. The small group works for me. I can sleep at night without wondering who is real. If I can't keep these 3 friendships together, then perhaps I'm the problem haha. It's a Friday night and I'm home, by choice, because I'd rather be alone with my pets than be hassled with the hoop la of socializing with unhealthy people. Being put in situations of mental torture of the unveiling of fake people. That brings me back to my original point, though I feel free, I feel more imprisoned than ever. I think I'm not venturing out more because it's a form of protection; I can't be used or rejected if I don't make myself available for people.

I really believe I'm being renewed (slowly) and the ashes of former pain are being washed away. I may never be as social as I once was, I may always have trust issues, who knows? I don't think the people who tried to break me realize or care that their selfishness has left me with an almost incomparable complex. Most of the time just knowing that is my inspiration to enjoy my life more than ever, choosing to not let them rob me of another moment of joy that belongs to me! I leave you tonight with some of the lyrics from the Mariah Carey song "Fly Like A Bird" that helped to comfort me and bring me through that hard time...I still have to lean on these words a lot of days...

Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now Lord, carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home

Minor details

In the hustle of every day life it's easy to forget the little things. Taking notice to the minor details that help to form the big picture is so often not even noticed. I've said many times that I am blessed to have a job that I love. I don't work in this field because I have to. I do it because it's my love, my passion, & my heart. I haven't vacationed since December 2008, so I've been feeling a little burned out lately. Working with animals is a breeze but when you factor in owners, co-workers, & corporate it can all become exhausting. I've become to wrapped in me to be frank. You know the whole woe-is-me saga --"What about ME! What about ME! what about ME!" Shame on me! Really I should be ashamed. Once again God sends me little reminders that there's a bigger purpose to my life and working. Something bigger than my own personal satisfaction. Helping animals, helping their owners, building a trusting relationship that makes each person feel as though their pet is receiving the best care possible. That should be my focus. But I confess that in my "burn out" and "exhaustion" I've spent a lot time griping & complaining about small things. I am at a point where I would much rather do treatment and prevention, and avoid going into rooms and interacting with the owners (clients). I call it people burn out. I love the animals...but the people??? Not so much haha. I'm only kidding, but you know what I'm trying to say! People talk too much, they're too demanding, & a lot of them are just mean for no reason!

OK I am spiraling now. Back to the point, over the last two weeks I've been given a reminder that it's not about me! Blow to my ego huh? The owners of one of my favorite patients, mailed a card to the hospital for me. In the card they told me how much they appreciated my devotion to their pet and family. This really made me smile, because the Lord knows that particular day was one of those when I wanted to give up. But the story that makes me weep for joy of good hearts comes from another client. This past Monday at work was beyond busy. We were all aggravated, stressed, & exhausted, but around 5:00 I noticed one of my clients waiting in a long line at the reception area. I knew she was there to see me, but I thought "she's going to have to just wait because I'm too busy to bothered with her." Very selfish of me, I know. I've beat myself up about it every day since. After waiting around 35 minutes, it was their turn to see me. I called her (and her two sons) into an exam room. The whole time wondering "wait, where's your dog?" They weren't there to see me with any medical questions or issues, instead they brought me two watermelons. She told me she remembered me saying once that I love watermelon. She went on to say they didn't have much financially, but in their backyard they had a small garden of watermelon. It really touched my heart because I know how much it meant to her to bring those to me. To be honest I had forgotten that in one of our random chats that I mentioned how much I love watermelon. It also reminded me that no matter how little we have, God still shows us ways to give & show love. Minor details can be made into a major impact. God bless them. Their act of love, humility, & gratefulness will forever have an imprint on my heart. Sure this means nothing to a lot of people, but I see the bigger picture.

Isabelle update

Here's Isabelle, after finding her emaciated 2 months ago. She's become such a sweet and playful dog. I am still actively looking for her a home, only because I am overrun with pets haha. She & my Yorkie (Gibby) have bonded the most out of the whole crew. These pictures are from earlier today. Growing stronger everyday. Good night friends.

-A

Speaking of love...

I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes on love. I find a deeper level of inspiration when I embrace the beauty of these words, speaking of love and it's power.

"love never fails, love is true, loves the one that can always change you" S. Orrico

"if I give all I possess to the poor and the helpless, I'll still gain nothing without love" S. Orrico

"I believe in love, I believe in peace" -C. Lewis

"Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas" D. Evans

"Where there is love there is life" -GANDHI

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread" -Mother Theresa

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver" - B. DE ANGELIS

"We need not think alike to love alike" -F. David

"With Gods love you'll survive" -M. Carey

"I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear" -O. Winfrey

Be inspired too friends, go out and love, love, love until you take your last breath.

I didn't know my own strength

Today was my regular therapy session. I always look forward to the Mondays I'm scheduled to go, I can't believe I've been going for 10 months now. I have no choice but to look back and laugh at my "plan". The original plan being, to go for about 6 months, then come out completely restored, stronger than ever, never needing anyone --haha. What a joke right? I am still going every other week, because through therapy and talking things out I've (unknowingly) been placed on a journey of finding myself. This was particularly funny because I thought I knew myself. Another joke. It took being used, abused, & abandoned to make me seek help. Today that hurt no longer controls me, because I learned the simple truth that "we take the hits and move on." I find myself more thankful for those situations that led to the realization of what dangerous friendships I was in. That one night where my heart was laid vulnerably before my perpetrators. And though they're all wrong for their part, I find solace in knowing the Lord had a lesson to teach me. Placing all my faith and hope in a person or a group of people is a no-no. After they all turned their backs I had only God and my best friend (Teckie) to rely on. It's a priceless lesson. My heart is still covered in scars, and I find myself not trusting people with ease anymore, but they couldn't take the love out of me. I still believe love is the movement & act that impacts life more than anything else. I've decided nothing will ever take my hearts song. I believe in love, plain and simple. No matter the hurt and scars I refuse to let go of my passion for the love of humanity. Love is something we all need. Love is one of the few things we can give freely without any conditions. Here's to freedom! July in more ways than one symbolizes freedom for me; free country, free heart, free love, free to live life and make an impact.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADISON:)

Very good weekend. I worked all day Saturday. We're weren't terribly busy, things moved at a manageable pace and I for one am thankful for that! Saturday was also my precious Madison's 6th birthday. I can't believe she's been with me for 6 years already! It just doesn't seem real. I love her to death though she packs more attitude than the world allows, I wouldn't take her any other way. She has me trained to her liking...yes that's right, I admit she has me trained LOL. I hate I had to work on her special day, but I think she forgave me once I brought home some of her favorite treats (Dingos). Since I had today off we officially celebrated her birthday with her siblings Jack, Isabelle, & Gibby. Of course because she's Maddie, she wasn't fond of sharing her treats. God I am so blessed. I couldn't picture my life without the company of furry four legged children :)

Michael Jackson memorial service at the Staples Center

Today has been an emotional day for millions of us throughout the world. I watched the memorial service for the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. It was executed with perfection, in true Michael Jackson fashion. Hearing the choir sing "Soon And Very Soon" as his casket was brought in by his surviving brothers made me cry. In that moment it hit me. This is real, he's really gone. I'm not sure what it was. The site of the casket, his mourning family, or the somberness flowing around the world today. As I watched Mariah deliver a choked up, emotionally drenched rendition of "I'll Be There" I couldn't help but to weep. The tribute was appropriate, only focusing on the beautiful person who loved the world and gave so much of himself to help improve the lives of others. I believe that where a persons heart resides, is what we should focus on. How can you not love someone who has heart full of love, compassion, & inspiration? I will forever be inspired by Michael's fighter spirit. Though he was ridiculed, ostracized, & abandoned by many he still remained true to his "heart song" of loving, giving, and loving even harder. Through love we can accomplish anything, for love is the seed that gives life to life. We have his music to continue inspiring us everyday, but still we'll weep, for a true star has fallen.

As I sit here and reflect on his life and today's memorial service I weep even more. For different reasons now that I've calm down from the service. I weep not because we (the public, the fans) have lost an idol, but I weep for his innocent children. At 7, 11, & 12 I wonder how they're coping...do they understand all that has happened? Seeing Michael's daughter briefly speak of what a great father he was tells me all I need to know. He was a great man. I hate seeing children in distress, my heart literally felt a jolt of pain as she broke down in telling the world of how much she missed her father. I think the moment that really broke me in two was seeing the youngest son (Blanket) weep endless tears as his older sister sobbed. Children are the most pure thing this world has to offer, and to see their emotions on display before the world was heart wrenching. God bless them. Say a prayer for them.

Man in the mirror

It's been a long, long, long day and now I'm preparing for bed. I have some of my favorite Michael Jackson songs playing. I am still deeply upset by this whole tragedy. I've tried to stay away from mainstream media because I knew without a doubt that his name would be trashed during this time of sorrow. He lived a very sad & lonely life filled with a bunch of leeches. Every time I think of it, it brings a dark shadow of pity to my soul. The man loved by millions, was probably the loneliness of us all. I couldn't imagine being surrounded by hundreds of people, most of which I felt couldn't be trusted. That alone would drive me mad. Maybe now in his untimely death Michael can finally get some peace. Forever gone are the worries of this life. Tomorrow is his memorial service. I'm hoping this will bring about the beginning of some closure and acceptance of everything. I still get chills when I hear "the king is dead". It's just one of those things you never really think will happen.

I pray that along side his undeniable musical influence, he leaves a legacy of IMPACT for mankind. His humanitarian efforts will forever inspire me. The best place to start with making a change is with the 'man in the mirror'. God what a message he had in that song. This is a sad, sad time. God bless. RIP MJ...

Another part of me

HAPPY 4TH of JULY!!! Let's celebrate life and the freedom we have in the United States! I love holidays and movements that promote and represent freedom. This weekend has been rather calm, but still a lot of fun. I've been busy working, but I love it so I'm not complaining. Therapy went great last week. I feel like we're still getting so much accomplished in my life. Everyday I am seeing all the blessings I have in life more and more. This month is particularly special for me, because it represents my personal freedom. At this same point last year most of my blogs were pretty bleak. Someone that I loved, adored, & held in high admiration betrayed me, publicly humiliated me, and left me lost and confused. In retrospect I look at the situation in the light of positivity. Through the drama, I found out who my real friends were, I learned to not be co-dependent on anyone, & the most valuable lesson of them all was that I needed to embrace myself. I set out on the journey of discovering who Antonio is; the real me that resides under the rumble of brokenness. A year later I stand here, more confident than ever before; continuing to watch myself grow. Watching the wounds of the past slowly callus over, leaving thicker, more well rounded skin that can withstand much more than before.

This month I'd like to post blogs of inspiration based on the lessons I learned over the last year. It's a celebration of life! I still live with Teckie's infamous words of wisdom in my heart, "we take the hits and move on" (go back and read that one). I still remember reading that line in an email she sent me in response to all the negativity I had going on in my life. And it's so true, we have to take the hits and move on! There's really no other choice, except to give up on life, and that's no option for me! Once again, celebrate your life and your freedom. Good night.

Antonio

Napoleon complex

Bullies are very annoying to me. I don't tolerate bullying from anyone. There's something in me that is easily angered when I see someone else being bullied. I would rather someone try to bully me instead, because I know I can hold my own. My therapist has told me over and over again "it's not your responsibility to protect everyone." But by the same token I feel that it's natural for me to speak up for those who are too afraid to speak for themselves. Right now I know someone who is being picked on/bothered without just cause, and frankly it's pisses me off. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that the "bullies" see this person as the 'weaker' vessel. How sad it is that one persons esteem can be beaten so badly that they fear taking a stand and (rightfully) taking up for themselves.


I'm no fool, I understand a lot of my anger issues with bullies initially comes from my childhood. I never had anyone to stand up for me, so my options were simple: let everyone walk over me or stand firm against anyone who tries bringing me down. I remember many times standing up against my mother, her boyfriends, bullies at school. Even if I was scared to death, trembling inside, I never showed fear or that I may have been intimidated. One of the earliest lessons I learned in life, is that when you show fear it gives the bully control. So even if you're shaking in your boots, you still lock eyes with that pathetic trash, and speak firmly and make it known that you're not budging. I've been attacked with intimidation tactics, verbal insults, public embarrassment, etc. But I think when it's all said and done people genuinely appreciate a person who is willing to take a stand. I could write a book of all the mean, malicious, & vindictive assaults I endured as a child. I choose to focus on the fact that I'm still standing and none of those people won control of my life.

I have on other choice but to be there for the less fortunate. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of someone being bullied. Most bullies have a Napoleon complex anyway. Not really sure of themselves, afraid inside because of the assortment of issues they refuse to deal with. Those of you who know me, understand I feel about doing the right thing. Please say a little prayer that I am able to convey the point without having to take it too far LOL....we'll see! Have a good day everyone!

The ultimate freedom

It has taken me a few days to get to this one. I've been in disbelief, really. My heart is filled with a genuine sadness for Michael Jackson, someone that I always felt was gentle spirit. A very misunderstood person. As someone who has always been a huge fan of his music and humanitarian efforts I can't help but feel an emptiness, knowing he's gone forever. Music wouldn't be what it is today without his influence. It'll be hard to find one active recording artist today who in someone hasn't been (musically) inspired/influenced by Michael. I believe that we all got a tiny glimpse into his heart with songs like We Are The World, Man In The Mirror, Heal The World, and even the song Ben. A caring person, one of peace, one who yearned to heal a broken world and unite people.

In a way I find solace in his death because he can finally rest. The rumors don't matter anymore, the pain of a non existent childhood won't haunt him anymore. He's reached the ultimate peak of freedom. I've always felt or had the impression that apart from his undeniable talent, the person residing inside was a very sad, lonely, & scared person. I think that's why his death really upset me. He never quiet seemed to fit or get that chance at being "normal". Now he can finally rest and not worry. I pray for his family and the other fans. Music has truly lost a brilliant genius.

Love is the first step to restoration

I want to begin with making a statement from my heart: Love will never fail! I believe with everything in me that where there is love there's no room for failure. Lately with all that has been going on in my personal life and things I've shared on this blog, I've come to the recurring conclusion, it all boils down to love. Just accept it. Tonight I was reading the "love chapter", in 1st Corinthians. It's always been among my favorite passages from the bible, because despite what faith we believe in there's one thing that unites us all. Love. Understanding and practicing love has been a lifelong journey. When I think I've got it figured out, I am faced with the reminder that I am still but a child in this world trying to find my way. Here I am again hanging on to hope of love.

Those who have wronged me, used me, talked about me, purposely inflicted pain in my life, I would still like to still practice the act of love towards them. Of course, this is where I fail the most. Once you've crossed me, I usually hold it deep in my heart. When I'm hurt in any manner I tend to withdraw, because with betrayal comes a deep pain. In order to not experience that pain, most of us choose to become totally self reliant. In many ways it does protect us. But I've found that if you become too withdrawn because of past hurts, ice sheaths around your heart, and it blocks you from expressing love and compassion. And I don't want to live a life that lacks in love and compassion. Those are fundamental building blocks to living a happy, successful, & meaningful life -in my opinion. I want the atmosphere around me to reek of love. Without taking things overboard, I want to practice love until the day I'm called home. There must be balance. I don't think we're supposed to live a life that is devoted solely to ourselves, nor should we devote our life to trying to make everyone happy. I'll be the first to draw the line when I think people are viewing me as a doormat.

You can do all the good in the world, but without having love in your heart it amounts to nothing. I am fortunate to be in a position of doing a job that I have a true love for. So on a daily basis I get the chance to practice love. The job isn't always pretty, that's for sure, but because I love it and it's my hearts love to help enrich and improve the lives of animals and their families. Practicing love in that respect is a breeze for me. But I've become callused to the act of love when it comes to those who have wronged me. I've been tested many times, and failed each time because I find it almost impossible to practice love with someone who has hurt me. But there's a message in 1st Corinthians that speaks louder than any other movement in this world, LOVE IS WHAT WE ALL NEED! Not a judgmental love, but rather a love that says I'm here for you, plain and simple. To stop loving someone because you don't see eye to eye is shameful. I must stop here and say I am so thankful and grateful for having special people in my life (though they are few) who practice this kind of love with me. You know who you are, thank you :) But the point I am trying to make is we should all put a premium on love. Everyday let's practice love. Especially on those days when it seems like we could care less about love. Turn the heat up and love harder!

I'll keep you posted on how this movement goes for me...I may be ready to throw the towel in by next week haha.

Good night,
-A

You're all I know, I can't let go

I'm having a situation where a part of my "past" is trying to come back in my life. Though I should know better, I've been battling (in my mind) what I should do. Clearly this shouldn't be an issue. The answer is plain and simple: WALK AWAY AND STAY AWAY!!! STAY FAR AWAY! For the last 4 months I've realized and 'accepted' the fact that there needs to be no more "we" or "us". Well, I say I've 'accepted' that fact, but here I am pondering where to go with the situation. So I use the word loosely. Losing or parting company with someone 'special' to you is a hard thing to do. Trust me I went through many nights trying to figure out what I could do to save things. Then the answer finally hit me, after weeks of deliberating with angel and devil on each of my shoulders. There was nothing I could do but move on and accept that "our" season had run it's course. Dang, there goes that word 'accept'...again. Looks like I need to go back to square one and study the definition. Now here I am months later, new and improved, loving life; completely moved on (or so I thought). When this person decides to acknowledge me, again. Being forgotten is something I've grown to live with. A lot of 'friends' have seemed to master the forgetting part of our friendship rather well. But my mind continues to play games, finding reasons to defend the one who in many ways used me, just took me for granted. This game is sick. My mind should (naturally) defend ME! The fact that I was a good, true, & faithful person/friend the entire time, a person who didn't deserve to be forgotten is what my mind should cry out. Instead I'm tortured with the good memories, the fun times, we private times in which I learned so much about this person that completely stole my heart. I am guilty of giving advice that I, myself, don't always practice in my own life. I won't be used anymore, by anyone. I guess I should give myself the advice I'd give anyone else in this situation: grow a pair and have some respect for yourself, please!

Obsessed

The reviews are in and it's official Mariah is back! Her new lead single obsessed from the forthcoming album Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel hit radio airwaves yesterday. Most of her (harshest) critics are giving this song credit for it's approach at staying "current", while remaining a signature Mariah track. Either way, the song is making it's rounds. In less than 24 hours the song has become a hit at radio. Already being hailed as the "2009 summer anthem". Do yourselves a favor and add this one to your iPod :)

2 reasons

I enjoyed my day off. I got a lot of house work accomplished. I am getting so used to having Wednesdays off (thanks Dr. Bragg:) You're the BEST!!! OK, so that was the epitome of pretentiousness haha. I do it all in good fun this time, I promise. I think the more we learn to not take ourselves or life too seriously, we'll enter a realm of serene pleasure. The feud with her will live on forever, because I do not like her, and she doesn't like me; furthermore, I (personally speaking) have accepted the fact that we don't like each other. I prefer it that way, then there's no confusion.

Anyway, I'm not about to do a 'bleak' post about any sort of drama. I am super excited for two reasons: 1) Mariah's new single "Obsessed" will be released to radio next Tuesday (June 16th). For those who know me, every time Mariah releases new material it's like Christmas for me. Takes me back to being a kid. This of course means I'll have to be in NYC when she shuts the city down. 2) Tomorrow is game 4 of the NBA finals! The Lakers vs. Magics; no question I am all for the Lakers! I think the world of Kobe Bryant, just on personal level I think he's pure talent - the best! Watching him on the court is like nothing else. You can compare it to watching Michael Phelps in the water. I mean he's just a complete phenomenon on the court. A true sports icon, he'll live on in history forever. The Lakers won the first 2 games of the finals, but lost game 3, so tomorrow I am really going to be pulling for my team. Nothing but serenity in my life, for now. I am going to take it for all it's worth! Good night everyone...

Vacation time is approaching

Today is a beautiful Sunday. I have the window up in my room, allowing the lulling breezing to waft in the natural aromas of the spring weather. Work has been extremely busy the last two days, busier than normal. I'm not complaining though, we live in tough times and having a job is blessing. So having a good job gives me even more of a reason to be thankful. I want to put a premium on finding balance in life. I think working is great, but it has consumed my life consistently since the start of the year. I haven't taken a vacation and haven't really put much thought into taking one. But I know a thing or two about burn out. For me, it usually happens when I don't take a little time for myself. I need to find some time just for me to enjoy myself without it involving work. I could work with animal medicine and treatment everyday of my life. Through therapy I've learned that even though I love the job, making it my life 24/7 isn't healthy either. So my pledge is that within the next month I will have a solid vacation plan-SET IN STONE! Wish me luck!

Precious

"Bye Bye" (by Mariah Carey) is playing in the background as I am posting. Not intentional by any means. I've got my iPod on shuffle, but for what it's worth, the song is very fitting for this moment in time. Today was by far one of the saddest days of my life. On my way home from work I received a message from Bradley's mother (Lorie) to please call her ASAP. I was sure the message was linked to their 13 year old Lab, Precious. Over the last year her health has been declining steadily. I've treated her with every form of medical attention I knew possible. She'd been a real fighter, vigorous until the end. When I went to the house to see her for myself, my heart instantly sank to my gut. My hope dissipated at the site of her. Seeing her unable to walk or control her back end was painful. I was faced with the one question I hate more than anything, "is it time?" I'm not good at making that call, ever. Seeing her worn condition though, I knew in my heart it would be wrong to make her endure more suffering beyond this point.

The drive to Banfield was long and silent. Even though I knew what was coming, I don't think I fully realized it until we were in the exam room. Thank God for Christina & Dr. Sonmor. There was no way I could have done it without them. Though I've had my issues with Bradley, in that moment none of it matter. When life and death enters the scene, it takes center stage over all other matters. Seeing Christina hold off Precious' vein as the euthanasia solution was injected broke my heart. Watching her body give way was surreal. The day I'd dreaded was staring me in the face, taking a life, and making no apologies. Inside I was screaming "Stop, stop!!! Let's think of what else we can do! This isn't the time!" Even though I knew it my heart there was nothing else we could do. As Dr. Sonmor said, "this is the last nice thing we do for her, end her suffering." I've built such a connection with her over the years. Saying goodbye was much harder than I anticipated. The special thing about a dog, is the loyalty they have, no matter how bad a person treats you, they will still love you. No matter if your best friend forgets you, they won't. That's what I think of when I think of Precious. The loyalty she had. In her eyes I could see that she knew her pain was about to end. God it hurts so much knowing that it's over now. I pray for peace and closure for her family. I can only imagine the pain they're feeling right now, knowing she's not coming back. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. Animal lovers know how much it hurts when we lose one of our furry friends.

You can rest now Precious. You're suffering is over. Sleep now...

Peace in my heart

I'm laying in bed, blogging from the iPod (this gadget is so useful in more ways than I imagined). Everything has returned to normal at work. I'm still standing after all is said and done. I no longer work with the person who brought so much stress into my life. It wasn't my choice for things to work out this way, personally I will take on the challenge. She couldn't deal with an honest person who believes in the oath of the medical profession: do no harm.

I thank the Lord for giving me this love that resides in every fiber of me. Animals are my heart and my true love. Once again I must say that I am more than thankful for the support of my clients. The really make me feel appreciated. Especially during these last few (rough) weeks. After all, they trust me to take care of their "kids". I want to have a bonded relationship with them, in a way I see them as extended family.

I rejoice that this battle is over. I know more storms are brewing...and there will come a time when they'll attack. I hope to be prepared, or at the very least remained firm in who I am. I think that's a key component in being successful; being true to yourself no matter who or what come against you. I have an optimism in my heart that tells me I'll be OK. For now now I'm going to press on and seek peace. It's a never-ending quest, but I'll keep on this road until I breathe no more.

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

Last week I purchased the DVD The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Let me just stop and say WOW! This movie possesses all the pure, authentic entertainment that most films today simply lack. Not that I'm surprised, I mean it does star Brad Pitt. It's hard to be let down with a Pitt film.

The movie tells the life story of Benjamin Button, who was born old, but as his life progresses he grows younger. Very interesting concept, but rest assured it works perfectly. This is the first film I've been able to form a special bond with in a long time. I found myself sharing emotions with Benjamin as his life went through the typical ups and downs. Except his ups and downs weren't exactly "typical", seeing that he ages backwards. If you're a fan of the long epic films, as I am then you will really enjoy this movie. The director and producers don't worry about editing the film to be exactly 90 mins, for the sake of Hollywood. Long, in-depth movies are always the best! If you haven't seen the movie yet, I advise that you go out TODAY and get it:)

Regrouping

I had a much better day today. In fact it's been the best day since last Saturday. I am so fortunate to have such devoted clients. Very special people who see my heart for the job. Today one of those clients in particular really made my day. She wrote one of the nicest letters I've ever received giving her opinion of my service to her family & pets. On those dark days filled with loneliness I draw strength from those sentiments. I am still spending a lot of time alone, not because of the bitter person who tried to ruin me. I am spending time alone because I believe when someone attempts to weaken you by interfering with something you love you must fight full force. Once that fight is over you must regroup and level yourself again. In the midst of ciaos it's easy to "lose sight" of who we are. You become so consumed with the ensuing battle. Now that I've come out victorious I am now reflecting on all that happened. I have no question in my head that this person will (again) at some point try to attack me. And I must be ready. Evil malicious people operate that way; lurking and waiting to take you by surprise when they think you've let your guard down. I find it troubling to have met someone with such an inferiority complex that they would stoop to such low levels. Luckily I didn't start playing that game, because I know "karma is a bitch"...and no matter what we think, payback comes to those who are due.

Now the state of mind I'm in is relaxation. I fought the enemy. I have been so consumed with remaining focused that I've but abandoned life. I haven't been returning calls, email, text; that just isn't me. It's physically draining in situations like this. Give me a few days and I'll return to normal, just let me re coop. Thank God the weekend is only hours away:)

Good night all,
Antonio

Update

Thanks to my friends who have been with me and praying for me during this madness. I can't wait until I can actually tell you what has happened and what's going on. Unfortunately because things are in the process of being handled, I can't say much, other than I have a really negative person who is coming against me. I am relying heavily on my character and reputation to outshine this negativity and maliciousness produced by one bitter individual. No matter what happens, I know I'll be OK...don't worry:)

Great news, Renee Jone is going to take Isabelle for me and find her a good home. It's bitter sweet because I've grown attached to her, but I keep reminding myself there are so many others out there who need help, just like Isabelle. Renee only accepts 'bully' breeds in her rescue organization. That makes me feel good about letting her adopt out Isabelle. She'll spend 8 weeks training her, and will only adopt her to someone who is going to provide the perfect home. Sometime with the next 2 weeks she will take her from me. I am happy that I found Isabelle, it's been so great to watch her bloom and turn into such a sweet playful puppy.

battles in life

I am in a situation at work where someone is really coming against me. Let her try and try to ruin me, I'll remain firm and strong. My strength really shows up when I'm pushed. I won't bow or weaken. I don't know what will come of everything, but when war has been waged I fight with a whole heart. Intimidation tactics in no way make me feel inferior. I believe by staying true to myself and believing that truth will prevail I will see some justice come from this situation. But know this, I won't give up. It's not in me.

Smile and breathe

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I've always felt that way. If you're going to have the nerve to say something about someone then be willing to stand tall when the heat is turned up. I say this because Saturday at work I was put in a position of compromising my integrity, something I will never do. I said many, many mean (but all 100% true) hurtful, offensive things to one of my co-workers. The "fill-in" doctor to be specific. I don't regret one word of what I said, given the chance to relive the whole thing I would have said the same thing and then some. She is someone who I do have respect for on a professional level. She's a wanna-be bully who can't deal with it when she meets someone who is ready and willing to chop her down to size. I've never liked bullies. Aside from my personal disgust I think she's an embarrassment to all of us in any medical profession. I won't go on a rant because she's not worth the time or energy it takes to put into it. I feel better now that I've (yet again) made it known that I don't take to anyone trying to 'bully' or control me.
Respect is something that you give in order to recieve it. I think disrespect works in the same way. You give it out then you should expect it in return. I'm not sure exactly what goes on from here. Obviously my career at Banfield is jeopardy, but still I stand behind what I said. Tomorrow will come...and what will be, will be. More updates will follow after tomorrow, and once I've had a chance to process my thoughts. Until then, good night :)

-Antonio

Memoirs of an imperfect angel

I've had this blog for a year now. I am so happy that I started it because it has served as a memoir of my growth, or lack there of (to some). Taking a moment to stop, think, and reflect on the last year of my life makes me even more thankful for the gift of life. The last 12 months have been far from the easiest, but no matter what happened I feel like I have a much better perception of life. The biggest issue over the last year of course was abandonment. Having those that I trusted and loved most turn their backs on me set me free. I didn't know this at the time, but I was being emancipated; I was being allowed to seek my own peace and inner freedom. I began to see that I was going to have to learn to survive alone in this cold world, or just give up. Once I got a true taste of walking alone I began to accept myself, for who I am. I don't think anything or anyone could have made me understand the importance of going at it alone. Looking back on it all, I spent many days and nights alone, thinking of what I did wrong? Why me? What can I do to save these friendships? The answer was simple: THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. Trying to save and revive something that is done with in your life is losing battle (take it from me.) Everything has it's season, once it's done just let it go. It only causes more damage when you try to hold on. Naturally I bore much anger towards those who betrayed and neglected me. Now I have come to a point where I have forgiven each and every person who I felt left me without just cause. I've learned forgiveness is powerful.

Making a "comeback" from the pit I was in is what makes me smile today. At a certain point I had to decide to stop with the pity party and stand up and start on the journey. I gained so much clarity in the silence that came with being one with myself. I saw that all I needed was God when it's all said and done. No friend on earth could lead and guide me back to restoration. I am blessed because I had Teckie who remained with me during that time. For those days that I wanted to crumble in defeat, I had her standing firm ensuring me that there's no problem too big for me to overcome. I heard two special quotes during that time that will forever remain with me. Teckie wrote me one day and in the email one line stood out in particular, "We take the hits and move on". Almost instantly it hit me! It was one of those moments where you stop crying and say "I GET IT! I CAN DO THIS!" Very simple but powerful, we all take hits in life, and there's only one thing to do once we're hit, take it and move on! If you let the hits derail you then you'll never make it in this life. The second quote I heard was from Joyce Meyer, "once you've done all you can, there's nothing to do but stand." That one is special to me because it brings me to today. After all that has happened in my life, I think the person I am today is a testament to faith and the will to survive. My testimony in life will always be "I'm still standing". No matter what hits and knocks I took, I'm still here, I'm still standing.


Through the winds and rains I'm still standing. There will be many battles ahead, I'm sure of this. But peace will now and forever reign as the umpire in my life. Gossip, backstabbing, hatred, bitterness, anger, and all the other sick elements that are apart of mankind today will come my way. But my stance will remain strong and the story will have the same ending every time until the day I go home...

I'm still standing

I'm home

The picture above is my desktop background. I have it there, so that everyday as I am on and off my computer I can see it as a reminder. Oh how ungrateful I can be at times, concerned with only with myself and my needs. But seeing that picture really yanks the slack out of my back to make me stand up straight. It's no secret how I feel about Barack Obama. I've called him one of my living heroes since I learned of his existence 4 years ago. There is something in him that evokes change! His presence inspires me to give my all even when I don't feel like it; the will to continue climbing the mountains of life even when it seems like I'm a thousand miles from the top. I've cried those tears along with him. Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of struggle, tears of shame, tears of guilt, but most importantly tears of triumph; the spirit of a true fighter. I'm inspired and encouraged by his life, overcoming racial barriers to lead a nation. Whenever I see that picture of him crying two old biblical passages come to mind "the last will be first" (Matthew 19:30) and "those who sow in tears will reap songs of joy" (Psalm 126:5) I wish I could explain the depth of those verses. Wow how powerful! As an African American I find another level of inspiration in accomplishments. I feel like Whoopi Goldberg's mother summed up what so many of us felt when it was announced that he was the 44th President, she said "I finally felt I was home, I could put my bags down and stop running". I wasn't alive or around for all the early racial movements and advancements in accepting everyone of every color. But in so many ways within my soul I understood exactly what she meant. So many people gave their lives for this day to come. I can't begin to put in to words how deeply moved I am to see him mark such a significant change the history of the world. I think he's a beacon of hope in some truly dark times. He represents equality for all men and that gives me hope for tomorrow.

Isabelle

On my way home from work Friday I saw this thin, poor, lugubrious dog walking across the road. It looked like it was taking all of her energy to make it to the side of the road. I stopped to check and see if she had a collar or tags. Looking in her eyes really melted my heart. She looked at me like she had given up hope, as though she didn't care if she lived or died. I can't deal with seeing dogs or cats who have no way out. I've said it before but I truly can't understand any human who dumps (abandons) their pet! This poor pup was on a desolate road with no houses near by and no obvious means to find food or shelter. I could only think of how worn out she must have felt, it was 90 degrees outside and I could see every rib in her body. It didn't take much luring to get to come to me. Cowering in timidy she edged closer and closer to me. Her body practically went limp when I lifted her to put her in the car. For the rest of half hour drive to my house she rested her head in my lap; exhausted from trying to survive alone I'm sure.

Once we made it home, I immediately gave her some water and food. Watching her eat broke my heart, seeing how starved she was. She had loads of fleas on her and a few ticks, so I had to bathe her. That was fun haha watching this weak frail dog wear me out in tub. I don't think she had ever had a bath, I washed heaps of dirt and grit off of her. Her name now is Isabelle. Don't ask where I got the name from, I've been calling her that since I put her in the car. She has such a gentle spirit and is very easy going, it just seems like it fit her perfectly. She's been with me for 3 days now and she is getting better everyday. I think she's just enjoying the fact that she has food and shelter. I am happy she can enjoy her life now. I will never let her know what it feels like to be abandoned and unloved again.

I can only assume that at some point she was loved as a little puppy. Aren't they all so cute??? But what made her owners (her protectors) stop loving her? Did that cute little puppy start chewing on things too much? Did she bark too much? Would she not house train? Or was she simply no longer that cute little puppy anymore? Really what warrants dumping her off in the middle of nowhere? She's roughly between 8 to 14 months, and has already been bred. How sad to take away her carefree youthfulness. Karma does exist! Whoever is responsible for leaving her in those conditions will have to answer to a higher power.

My hope is to get her completely healthy and then adopt her out the perfect home. I've already spoke with a few people about helping me with this. I am already growing more fodn of her with each day. How could I not? If I can't find someone who is willing to take on such a special pup, then she'll remain with me forever.

Rest your head now sweet Isabelle, the struggle is over. I promise.

Renew your mind

There's something about new beginnings. That freshness and clarity that comes with cleaning up our minds. By cleaning up my mind I've found there's a person that I lost somewhere along the way many, many years ago. I am not proud of a lot of things I've done or how I've chosen to handle myself in certain situations. At times I've forfeited my character and integrity for social approval. That is something that I am ashamed of now. I've learned that my character is what matters in life. My character speaks louder for methan any other element in this life. People remember your character before they remember what you wore, who you dated, or where you've been. Character is the foundation of who we are. It represents the person I really am when the lights are out and no one is around; stripped bare -exposing all the imperfections, fears, & hopes for my life. Too much focus has been put on people and things that in the end won't matter. I heard a qoute a few years ago by Joyce Meyer that has stuck with me, "don't give up your future by holding on to the past". I get what she means. THERE COMES A TIME TO LET GO AND MOVE ON!!! I can't make it to my future if I'm not willing to move. I can hold myself back from all the future has in store, by choosing to stay stuck in past victories and failures. I admit that the biggest area in my life where I've struggled with moving on is my (un)willingness to let certain people go. Thankfully in 2009 it hasn't been much of an issue. To be honest I probably got a little to excited about moving on and cutting people off. Either way, I've all but started over comepletely. New friends, new dreams, new goals...a new mindset.

Turn the other cheek

Time has taught me that I often experience my sweetest victories by relaxing, moving on with life, not seeking vengeance; leaving my foes to destroy themselves. Why waste time plotting and planning the demise of another??? Justice is always served. Know that. I try to always keep that in mind. It's true that we should treat others how we ourselves want to be treated. Karma does exist, and I firmly believe in it. Though I must admit, it is usually very tempting for me to release my "wrath" on anyone who wrongs me. Thankfully time has taken the foolishness out of me, and produced a fairly wise being. Now it is much easier for me to say "I wish you well" and actually mean it. I am almost embarrassed to admit how long it took me to get to this point. But how nice it feels (sometimes) when I know that I'm raining on the parade of someone who's deserving of it. You know sometimes it like Jekyll and Hyde??? Part of you says "yeah give 'em all you got, ruin him!", but then the 'good' me says "they'll pay eventually just let it go". Haha, sometimes I swear it's like a comedy show when I stop and listen to my thoughts. But take it from me, I have learned, it's better to let it go. The enemy will eventually hang himself for all to see.

Be your own friend, not mine...please

I think too often we (us as a human race) throw around the words "friend" and "love" like they're nothing more than just words. You know like they're just "page fillers" or something. It's offensive, even borderline blasphemy in my eyes. How dare you use those words like they're merely thoughtless words to be used when describing just anyone. Can I just be honest and say that people who have "a lot of friends" make me a little uneasy. You never where their real alliance lies. I'm equally as nervous when I'm around people who "love" everyone in the room. From my brief experience here in life, I've learned that friendship is almost too deep to sum up in one sentence. I do know that a friend is someone who can be trusted, the words trust and friend should (naturally) go together. A true confidant who you can call on, that person who loves you unconditionally. A friend doesn't hurt you repeatedly and have nothing to say for his or herself.

I won't even get on my 'rant' about the use of the word "love". As far as I'm concerned please don't say it to me. Save me the trouble of having to find out otherwise. I rest better by assuming that you don't love me, so when it comes out that I'm right we can skipped the 'surprised' reaction. Wow, I think I may be coming off a little bitter. Not the case. I'm just frustrated by people throwing around the words like they mean nothing. I do know that I have a few friends and a few people who love me. I am blessed to have a wonderful best friend. My former boss (Joan) has become a true friend and confidant. I don't take these friendships for granted because I understand that most people don't have true friends.

I just want everyone to stop and think before calling someone a friend. Are they really??? What is your 'version' of a friend??? And don't dare say you love someone if your heart doesn't mean it. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've been hurt enough by "friends" and "love" to know that it shouldn't be that way.