Turn the other cheek

Time has taught me that I often experience my sweetest victories by relaxing, moving on with life, not seeking vengeance; leaving my foes to destroy themselves. Why waste time plotting and planning the demise of another??? Justice is always served. Know that. I try to always keep that in mind. It's true that we should treat others how we ourselves want to be treated. Karma does exist, and I firmly believe in it. Though I must admit, it is usually very tempting for me to release my "wrath" on anyone who wrongs me. Thankfully time has taken the foolishness out of me, and produced a fairly wise being. Now it is much easier for me to say "I wish you well" and actually mean it. I am almost embarrassed to admit how long it took me to get to this point. But how nice it feels (sometimes) when I know that I'm raining on the parade of someone who's deserving of it. You know sometimes it like Jekyll and Hyde??? Part of you says "yeah give 'em all you got, ruin him!", but then the 'good' me says "they'll pay eventually just let it go". Haha, sometimes I swear it's like a comedy show when I stop and listen to my thoughts. But take it from me, I have learned, it's better to let it go. The enemy will eventually hang himself for all to see.

Be your own friend, not mine...please

I think too often we (us as a human race) throw around the words "friend" and "love" like they're nothing more than just words. You know like they're just "page fillers" or something. It's offensive, even borderline blasphemy in my eyes. How dare you use those words like they're merely thoughtless words to be used when describing just anyone. Can I just be honest and say that people who have "a lot of friends" make me a little uneasy. You never where their real alliance lies. I'm equally as nervous when I'm around people who "love" everyone in the room. From my brief experience here in life, I've learned that friendship is almost too deep to sum up in one sentence. I do know that a friend is someone who can be trusted, the words trust and friend should (naturally) go together. A true confidant who you can call on, that person who loves you unconditionally. A friend doesn't hurt you repeatedly and have nothing to say for his or herself.

I won't even get on my 'rant' about the use of the word "love". As far as I'm concerned please don't say it to me. Save me the trouble of having to find out otherwise. I rest better by assuming that you don't love me, so when it comes out that I'm right we can skipped the 'surprised' reaction. Wow, I think I may be coming off a little bitter. Not the case. I'm just frustrated by people throwing around the words like they mean nothing. I do know that I have a few friends and a few people who love me. I am blessed to have a wonderful best friend. My former boss (Joan) has become a true friend and confidant. I don't take these friendships for granted because I understand that most people don't have true friends.

I just want everyone to stop and think before calling someone a friend. Are they really??? What is your 'version' of a friend??? And don't dare say you love someone if your heart doesn't mean it. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've been hurt enough by "friends" and "love" to know that it shouldn't be that way.

The power of words

Words matter. I can't say it enough. Words make us feel good, make us feel bad, and all that's in between. They help us carry on when we're in our time of need. Hearing a few words of inspiration from the heart mean more to me than having all the riches in the world. So many times in my life, I've had to rely on the precious words of others to help me believe I can conquer mountains that have stood before me.

Today as I was doing a little spring cleaning, I found an old letter from my Aunt Toni, dated from September 2001. Without going too deep into detail, 2001 was one of the toughest years of my life. My life at home was broken to pieces, (I felt like) I was a social outcast by all terms; I was dying inside. I spent a lot of my years as a youth feeling derelict within the four walls of my room. The word 'lonely' doesn't begin to scratch the surface of how isolated I felt. Through all of those bleak years there were two things in particular that helped me carry on, it was music and Aunt Toni. Today as I read her letter again, it took me back to those sad years.

Along with the letter she enclosed a check for my school lunch for the week. The pages were lavished with words of inspiration. As a child having her 'in my corner' gave me a feeling of security. For every negative phrase uttered about me, she vehemently challenged it with something positive. Every time I hung my head low from shame or fear she reassured me that I was "special" and had nothing to be ashamed of. As with most dysfunctional families, mine was over-run with bitterness, animosity, & pain. Everyone finds the worst thing about you, then they all join forces to bring you down. I wanted to give up and give in more times than I can count. She served as my inspiration. I can remember many nights calling her and talking for hours. No matter the words she chose, the messaged remained the same you're special and you're going to make it, don't ever let anyone hold you back. Though I probably never expressed my gratitude as a child, I am so thankful for her being there. Now at 24 years old, I think of where I would be without her support. I am sure I would have stopped and given up somewhere along the way. Even today in my those moments of fear I draw strength from the words spoken to me when I had no one who cared.

It's so important that we think of what we say to others (especially children). A few kind words can stick with them forever. Perhaps I frown upon adults who put down a child because of my childhood. But I have learned a much bigger lesson in life, it's those who lift a child up that plant a "special" seed of inspiration. I believe they make God cry tears of joy. I believe the heavens rejoice. For it takes a truly special person to make such an impact.

As an adult today I am filled with joy. I can't stop the tears from flowing as I write this. Now I can say I survived the storms of my past and I'm here because there was an angel holding my hand, guiding me to safety. I can look back and say thank You Lord for looking out for me. Angels really do exist, I know this because I had one standing with me as a child, helping me to believe in myself. Thanks Aunt Toni, no matter what any of my foes have to say I have the faith in myself to know I can make it. I will keep that letter until moment I take my last breath. Words really do matter. All it takes is one person to change a life...


They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I will not allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me
And they can't try hard to make me feel
That I don't' matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believer
Or lose faith in my dreams
Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try, but they can't take that away from me...

Morning wake up call

Here it is 5 o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep (of course). Where is the rain when you need it? I just wanted to briefly update after my last blog. I kinda got on my soap box there for a moment huh? I really try to avoid "attacking" any one particular person or putting a 'negative vibe' in the air, but I had to vent. I feel much better after I get things out. Anyway, yesterday I had to work (all day) with the subject of my previous blog. The day went over smoothly. Granted I did completely 'ice' her out. But hey it beats me opening my mouth and saying things. I've done that song & dance, so I of all people know exactly where that would have most likely led haha. Seeking peace, peace, and more peace, until I'm utterly consumed by the joy of sweet serenity...

If you were a fragrance, I'd call you "trash"

Today I was (yet again) reminded of the lack of moral standards in our world. It seems no matter much I try to impart to people that I'm direct, so I'd like you to be direct with me in return, they just don't get it. I'm just asking you to give me what I give you. Often the truth isn't pretty or nice, but really is a lie any nicer??? Why prolong the inevitable??? Makes absolutely no sense if you ask me.

Over the last few weeks I've been put in a situation of working with someone whom I (on a personal level) dislike and have no respect for. I don't trust her, never have, and certainly never will. I practically smell her pretentiousness enter the room before her; she reeks of all things fake & conniving -a serpent lurking in the marsh waiting...watching, preparing to attack when your back is turned. Now the fact that I don't like or respect her doesn't necessarily mean I can't work with her. I have worked with people I don't like before. I am just plagued by this persons lack of character and professionalism. Even if you're the biggest whore in all the land I can still have some sort of respect for you, if you know how to maintain yourself in a professional setting. OK, I am starting to 'wander' and 'rant', but you get my point.

Long story short, this person has recently made comments about my 'inefficiency' while at work. (Please forgive my ability to multi-task ma'am.) It's not her comments that have angered me, but the fact that they were made in the work place, while I wasn't present. Being me of course I decide to call her out on this after being made aware of the situation. Silly me to think we could handle this like adults. You all know the ending to this story. She tells me that I "do a wonderful job" and she has "no problem" with the way in which I do things. I'm not sure which side of her personality pisses me off more: the feign 'caring' professional or the pathetic cowardly loser???

The moral of the story is to shut the hell up unless you're willing to be direct and honest. Tomorrow I will feel better, because I am now fully convinced that this person is nothing more than an incompetent fictitious sap!

Ahh, I feel better already...just had to get on a tangent with my 'rant' :)

Close my eyes

Sometimes on rare occasions I find myself feeling "lonely". I mean lonely in terms of not having a family that I'm close to. For the most part I am consistently happy with my existence in solitude. I am not sure if that's because I've grown up with the mentality of an "outsider" or because I've found much more peace in not "trying and trying" to make a relationship that just isn't there. Whatever the reason or reasons I have adjusted to being one with myself. Tonight I suppose I am just having a "moment", tomorrow it'll be as though this never happened.

In many ways I am grateful that I tend to bounce back rather quickly from the 'loneliness'. I have found that I'm a very jovial person at heart. Put me in a room of 1,000 people or give me a book to read alone, I would be more inclined to read the book. JUST GIVE ME THE BOOK! Haha, seriously save the noise and hoop-la for someone who thrives off of that. I have been in therapy now for 7 months, and each session I am learning more about me than I ever knew before. The more insight I gain about me, the more I become self sufficient. The more I find myself, finding that the "party" just isn't as important as it used to be. Accepting myself, spending time with me, & growing into a mature adult seems to overshadow the necessity to surround myself with people.

I've stated it a million times before, but one life lesson that I finally accepted within this journey has been the fact that people will use you, abuse you, & throw you away without giving it a second thought. Even those we call "friends". I used to think I had many friends. The circle of connections ran as rich and effervescently as the unimpeded currents of the Nile river. Now I stand corrected, for the reality is I have a handful of friends. The word "friend" is used so loosely today that it has all but lost it's natural meaning. Can I just say that I am 'overwhelmed with gratitude' now that I have a full understanding of friendship. I have become more understanding and appreciative of those who have proven to be true to me. Of course Teckie has been my main supporter through the ups and downs in life. Our friendship goes back to 1904 (not literally LOL), but you get what I am trying to symbolize. Her loyalty, devotion, and honesty are qualities I've always admired, but now there's a new level of admiration that runs much deeper than before. Those are qualities that I have come to see that most people today choose not to embrace in their lives. And it's sad. OK, now I am 'spiraling'. There I go starting to 'rant' (typical Antonio fashion) ha! Forgive me.

Back to the original thought of tonight's blog. I do in those rare moments find myself "missing" and longing for that family I've never had. Just to be able to talk or share my dreams with them. Creating those sentimental moments that reside forever in a young ones heart, carrying you through the darkest of days. To have that tender embrace, and to hear the words understood in any language, "I love you".

Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon