Close my eyes

Sometimes on rare occasions I find myself feeling "lonely". I mean lonely in terms of not having a family that I'm close to. For the most part I am consistently happy with my existence in solitude. I am not sure if that's because I've grown up with the mentality of an "outsider" or because I've found much more peace in not "trying and trying" to make a relationship that just isn't there. Whatever the reason or reasons I have adjusted to being one with myself. Tonight I suppose I am just having a "moment", tomorrow it'll be as though this never happened.

In many ways I am grateful that I tend to bounce back rather quickly from the 'loneliness'. I have found that I'm a very jovial person at heart. Put me in a room of 1,000 people or give me a book to read alone, I would be more inclined to read the book. JUST GIVE ME THE BOOK! Haha, seriously save the noise and hoop-la for someone who thrives off of that. I have been in therapy now for 7 months, and each session I am learning more about me than I ever knew before. The more insight I gain about me, the more I become self sufficient. The more I find myself, finding that the "party" just isn't as important as it used to be. Accepting myself, spending time with me, & growing into a mature adult seems to overshadow the necessity to surround myself with people.

I've stated it a million times before, but one life lesson that I finally accepted within this journey has been the fact that people will use you, abuse you, & throw you away without giving it a second thought. Even those we call "friends". I used to think I had many friends. The circle of connections ran as rich and effervescently as the unimpeded currents of the Nile river. Now I stand corrected, for the reality is I have a handful of friends. The word "friend" is used so loosely today that it has all but lost it's natural meaning. Can I just say that I am 'overwhelmed with gratitude' now that I have a full understanding of friendship. I have become more understanding and appreciative of those who have proven to be true to me. Of course Teckie has been my main supporter through the ups and downs in life. Our friendship goes back to 1904 (not literally LOL), but you get what I am trying to symbolize. Her loyalty, devotion, and honesty are qualities I've always admired, but now there's a new level of admiration that runs much deeper than before. Those are qualities that I have come to see that most people today choose not to embrace in their lives. And it's sad. OK, now I am 'spiraling'. There I go starting to 'rant' (typical Antonio fashion) ha! Forgive me.

Back to the original thought of tonight's blog. I do in those rare moments find myself "missing" and longing for that family I've never had. Just to be able to talk or share my dreams with them. Creating those sentimental moments that reside forever in a young ones heart, carrying you through the darkest of days. To have that tender embrace, and to hear the words understood in any language, "I love you".

Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon