Words that don't matter, really matter

Another really brief update. I have found a new cause that really touches my heart. I will blog about my personal support for this cause later. Please take a moment and let's educate ourselves.

Thanx,
Antonio

I got nothing left

Really brief 'update'; today was the day to rival all bad days. Angry clients, dying patients, etc. For whatever reasons I just felt like today was twenty miles ahead of me. No matter how I tried and tried to double step in order to catch up, the day seemed to vanish and leave me on this wayward path of befuddlement. I know there's going to be days like this. It just frustrates me because I like having things "under control", and it makes me feel helpless when I see there's nothing I can do to change things. After being at work for 12 hours I've had enough for the day.

Let's try it again tomorrow, until then...I have nothing left.

Thankful

Day two of the drenching rainstorms. I got a call from work first thing this morning telling me that almost all of our scheduled appointments had called and cancelled. No one really wants to be out in this nasty weather. Now I have the day off. I'm not complaining, it's a nice 'surprise'. I was dreading the long drive. Avoiding all the water build up on the roadsides always makes me nervous. It feels odd being home on Saturday, I can't remember the last time I've had a Saturday off. Right now I'm listening to the Mariah Carey classic "Fantasy" (with O.D.B.)...it's one for the nostalgia. Gibby is curled up in her bed sleeping...what a precious baby she is. Madison is running through the house convinced that she can chase the storms away by barking at the thunder and lightening every five seconds...she's really putting on a show for me today haha. Of course Jack & Prissy are oblivious to the weather...they're always sleeping. I've also been doing a lot of reading online and twittering (of course) LOL.

Yesterday Lauren Ware (one of my clients) emailed our cooperate office & Dr. Sonmor about my service to her family & pet. That really made my day because it was so unexpected and such a random act of kindness. I really appreciate it. Yet again, you never know who God is going to use to bless you. I hope you're all enjoying your day, stay dry :)

-Antonio

Vote, vote, vote :)

I'm sure most of you have received an email or seen my postings via myspace, facebook, & twitter asking everyone to take a moment to vote for Tenth Avenue North, for the New Artist of The Year award at the Dove Music Awards.  I am a faithful supporter/fan of this group for a few reasons.  First (the lead singer) "Mike D" is a good friend and true inspiration to me.  I met Mike at a New Year's party back in 2004.  From our first encounter I found a friend in him.  To this date I have yet to meet anyone who even remotely resembles him.  I was instantly moved by his passion and love for people and his desire to impact the world with nothing more than love.  He befriended me and gave me an insight on "love, peace, & happiness" that I still hold close to me.  As we prepared to ring in the year of 2004, Mike performed an acoustic medley of hymns & praise songs...moving everyone to a deep place of serenity; nothing mattered in that moment but love.  Actually, it's his influence that sparked the fire in me to spread the message of love.  I learned that nothing we do matters, if we don't have love.  What a powerful message to spread huh?  I thank him for making a difference in my life to take a stand for a movement so powerful.  I am amazed by the humility he displays, always recognizing that he's only a 'tool' being used to make this impact. 

Now that his band has "made it", I can't help but feel overwhelmed with a great joy.  Still the same old Mike.  If you haven't heard the music of Tenth Avenue North, please check it out (click here).  Also, below is a link to vote for the group at this years awards.  Wishing the guys the best of luck.

http://www.gospelmusicchannel.com/dovesvoting

vision of love

Another day has come and gone.  I'm happy to say that today was a good day, despite the pessimism I started out with.  I literally didn't want to go into work today, because I didn't want to work with one of the 'fill-in' doctors.  I have a brief history with this person on a professional level, and working with her isn't something I was thrilled about.  Of course God showed up (once again) and put me in check.  Though the day had it's (routine) bumps with disgruntled clients, uncooperative patients, & insufficient co-workers -- still it was a good one.  I swallowed the dread that consumed me before entering the doors.  I'm glad I did.  I think it helped me deal with the daily stresses with much ease.  As the day went on I noticed that with each situation I was remaining at 'peace', and in turn things began to flow smoother.  I didn't have any problems/issues with the person I so badly didn't want to work with today.  Actually we got along nicely.

I spoke of validation a couple of days ago.  One thing that makes me feel 'validated' is the passion I have with my job.  Being able to wake up and know I'm doing exactly what the Lord wants me to do brings about a sense of validation for me.  I know that I could be somewhere scrubbing floors for a living, but for His grace I am able to thrive in profession that I truly love with all my heart.  Today I felt like God Himself spoke to me through two clients.  I won't go too deep into detail, but I saw these two clients at opposite ends of the day.  They complimented my style and technique in working with their pets, as well as my willingness to listen to their  concerns (as owners).  No matter how you do this, it still makes an impact to have client respond to you with such positivity.  Hearing their encouraging words and having their support really inspires me.  On the days in which it seems that I can't do anything right, I draw strength from personal encounters like this.  When it seems like every one is against me I look back on days like this and know that God has His hand on me.  Always sending the right people at the right time to help lift me above it all.  It gives me hope when hope isn't to be found.  These are the things in which I see my purpose in this life.  I want to be where there's hope, inspiration, & IMPACT.

Tell me what we're gonna do now

"Tomorrow, tomorrow"...I am dreading it.  Tomorrow I will be working with a different doctor.  It's fun when to meet new people and work together.  However, I know the doctor that will be filling in.  A person that I don't particularly "care for".  I know that I am being very partial to my feelings and past knowledge of this person.  I've told myself that I'm not going to let my personal feelings block me from being able to work together.  As the clock ticks closer to the time for me to go in, I find myself wanting to call in.  Just to keep from being put in the situation.  I know myself.  I have a bold personality, if there's something that I feel needs to be said, I'll say it.  I don't take well to arrogant people, or people who willing abuse those "below" them.  Fighting for the underdog is hard to resist.  Please join with me in hope and prayer that tomorrow will go over much better than I am anticipating.

Leave the "little" people alone, try to pick on me!

Serene validation

Essentially we all have a desire to feel 'validated' . The need to feel whole and complete; accepted and loved for who we simply are. Through my own life I have come to the raw conclusion that most of us seek validation through superficiality. Forming relationships for fear of being "left out", conforming to the ways of social sectors to feed our feelings ambiguity. In essence, being someone other than who we really are, because of the fear of rejection. After all, how can I have validity if people don't 'like' me? I've never found the answer to the question honestly. So many people break their backs by carrying the burden of making people "happy". There's nothing wrong with bringing happiness and joy to lives of others, but I think something is wrong if making someone else happy means you must rob yourself of your personal joy. I am truly thankful that I have been enlightened with this while I'm still "young" and have plenty of time to grow into myself. Yet it still saddens me to see so many (more than I care to count) caught up in the frivolous politics of social groups. I learned a long time ago that those who really love and care about you will be there when the group has long forgotten you ever existed.

I find my validation in something no one can take away from me. "My heart song," those things that lie within my heart carrying me from one level to the next. For the validation I sought in the past has been achieved through having love for myself, accepting every part of me --the good and bad. I find my validation in owning the 'inner peace' of being able to be who I am no matter what others may think of me. Not concerning myself with the fear of judgement and rejection any longer. I don't have a million friends, but the few I have love me for me, and that is all I need. And I wouldn't trade their loyalty for all the fame one man could even dream to have. For in the big scheme of things, validation comes from knowing who we are as a person, then in turn impacting the world around us. Life isn't always calm and peaceful, yet still there's that inner voice telling me "I am with you, there's no need to be afraid any longer." Sweet serenity...lighting a ray of hope for me...I am free

The hardest thing to say is "bye bye"

Sitting here alone. I've got "One Sweet Day" by Mariah & Boyz II Men playing on my iTunes. It's been a good night, but still this song fills my soul with sadness. I've heard it a million times before, but tonight it's particuarly touching. It makes me think of all my graduating classmates who have left this life already. I am only 24 years old and I feel like there's still a million things I'd like to accomplish in what life I have left. It makes me weep for those who are no longer here. Dreams cut short by the unexpected. How can people so young die??? Cancer, car accidents, etc. My mind still can't wrap around the brutal reality of it all. It's a reality check that's for sure. The gift of life is so precious. We only get one, and once it's over there's no coming back. My heart breaks when I think of their families, trying to live on day after day without their loved ones. Young lives...gone forever; sons, daughters, sisters, brothers. There's inspiration in their short lives. They reality of how quickly life can be over INSPIRES me to take in the simple beauty of our fragile existence and try to live the next day to fullest. Who said it was going to be easy? It's a fact, life isn't easy for any of us. When I stop and think of where I could be or how things could have been, I'm driven to give thanks for my life. Though I'm destined to fail & falter throughout the journey, I still strive for the greatest prize in life...LOVE


In memory of: Kourtney Jenkins, Crystal Kelley, Candace Barns, Cassandra Grey, Lily Reese, & Renee Vance

just saying "hey"

The Tonight Show

I am laying in bed right now watching Jay Leno, anxiously awaiting to see him interview President Barack Obama. As I've said before, he is one of my living heroes. I won't go through my list of reasons again right now. I just find such an inspiration from his prescence. All eyes are on him, some eager to him fail, others faithfully remaining true to our nations leader. Either way he remains firm and reassures me I voted for the right man. My hopes for tonights interview is that he will reassure those who are still skeptical. Let's all watch.

I turn to you

There comes a time when one stops and says I give up. Giving up isn't always a bad thing. Often it's the most freeing thing we can do for ourselves in fact. As I continue to learn more about myself; in essence finding out who I am, I am reaching new levels. I've harbored hurt & angry feelings over some major events from the past 4 years. I do feel I am justified in my feelings. Those that know the stories of the past years know what I am saying. There's no point in going through the "issues" during the course of that bleak time in my life.

Today I am happy and proud to say that we have pressed on and moved on from the pain of the past when it comes to our friendship. And I honestly thank God for allowing things to happen the way they did. I found my backbone and became one with myself. Now I enjoy a great friendship with Bradley. For whatever the reasons, we now understand the past is the past. What can be done to change it now? I refuse to be weighed down by those past offenses. In him I have found a great friend and confidant. I find inspiration from his heart and willingness to grow and make a difference. I want to surround myself by people and friends who have dreams bigger than their present existence. People who believe in things bigger than themselves are the ones you can really rely on in hard times. That is exactly the kind of person Bradley is. Always urging me to give it another try, to keep on track. When I lose the will to win, he's there pushing me to the finish line. The last 6 months have been extremely rough at times. Luckily I had him there, as one of my best friends. I feel as though from the ashes of a broken and severed friendship, a solid insurmountable one has risen. Nevermind how we got to this point, because the point is we're here now.

And when I need a friend you're always on my side
Giving me faith, taking me through the night...

Follow me

I thought it would be a good idea to let all of you know how you can continue to follow my oh so 'bleak' life haha. I have a twitter account that I am completely obessessed with. It's a way for me to let out those little thoughts that I have throughout the day...follow me the strange places my mind wanders each day. Ok, and if you don't have one, it's imperative that you start an account today! twitter.com/thatguyantonio

Also, I have a livejournal blog, which consists of only videos. There's random clips from some of my favorite entertainment sources, music, film, etc. as well as some personal "interview" insider type footage of me rambling about whatever. antoniojcoleman.livejournal.com

Fearless

Lord I've been tried and tested. Before things look like they're getting better, something else happens to add to the load. Through it all I can do nothing but sing praises to You. Why am I doing this? Something inside says I should be angry! Why have I been resigned to grapple with this Lord??? Is this just a nightmare, and all I merely have to do is just WAKE UP??? No matter far 'astray' I may have gone I still know (in my heart) what remains true for me. One day, I don't know when, but one day this storm will cease. You never said the road would be easy. So I'm going to put the negative thoughts as far in the back of my conscious mind as possible. When it's all said and done, I'll still be standing...

food for the dogs

I've come home and settled in, after a long and exhausting day! In fact, the past few weeks have been exhausting. I'm being careful to not complain much, because of course there are loads of truly unfortunate people out there who have issues that make mine look like a dream.

Part of my exhaustion today comes from aggressive patients. I don't know what was up with the pets today, but 75% of the dogs I treated today tried to eat me (one of them literally)! I really don't get it haha. Now that I'm home with my precious pups I plan on relaxing with them and watch a few episodes of my new favorite show, Entourage :)

Blind and unguided in a world divided

Drifting...merely languishing in the middle of a desolate winding path. Wandering aimlessly, in search of the "next" thing to add meaning to life. Often I wonder if I have forgotten the major elements that have made me who I am today; the fundamental building blocks. Perhaps I haven't forgotten, but instead forsaken the 'old' person I used to be? Surely all these things in life have intricately been linked by a stronger power (God), to lead me to my existence today. I have to believe that all the events in my life, good and bad, have meant something; on a level too deep for my comprehension. Otherwise I would become overwhelmed with confusion, and crumble in defeat. I don't want to grow weary and become stagnate on this "journey of revelation."

It all began at the end of July 2008. Being betrayed and left by the wayside seemed to end 'my world'. Of course that was a blessing in more ways than I can count. I was forced to be alone with myself and asking "who am I?" When others leave you, it's amazing how much you begin to build a relationship with yourself. I learned more during that time than I ever have before about ME. The person I am. At the time I would have rather faced death than press on alone and live with the agonizing torture of a best friends abandonment. Oh God, oh God, the little child I was. To think I needed people to get me through this life. How wrong I was. That was the push I needed to embark on this quest in finding the real me; the person lost way back there...somewhere.

What an enchanting exploration it has been. Freedom, freedom! I can literally hear the bells ringing "freedom is here!" But...you know there's always a 'but' to throw in there. But I still feel as though I drag along the weights of insecurity in my new friendships/relationships; resigning myself to a prison term of obscurity in life. Never quite feeling that I 'fit', always somewhere on the outside. I do count my blessings, and I thank God for my friendship with Teckie. It has been "my saving grace" during all the trials I've faced. Our friendship has witnessed many others come and go over the years. Still, how sad it is to be dominated by the feeling of "doom"; lurking in the shadows is the next fatal blow --intended to send me to my knees. Makes me think of the line by John Mayer, "gravity stay the hell away from me"...I won't fall again.


I was a wayward child
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Not as good as I expected

On my day off today, I watched the movie Australia. Of course I am a huge Nicole Kidman/Hugh Jackman fan. I had no choice but to watch this film. I've been anticipating seeing it since I first saw the extensive trailer in September 2008. Unfortunately it wasn't nearly as good as I expected. That's always a bummer. Getting all worked up and excited for some special event, and being let down. Don't get me wrong, the movie really isn't bad at all. I felt like there was a lack of consistency. One moment it was an epic gut rentching war story, the next it was like I was watching 'comedy' hour. I was unable to form an attachment with this film.

Moving along, you've all got to follow me on 'twitter', it's a new site I've become addicted to. Ahh, it's so much fun. I like to write really random things for you all to enjoy :)

March is here

Really quick update: I'm still working like a fool of course (that'll never change). Yesterday on my lunch break I went and bought the movie Australia with Hugh Jackman & Nicole Kidman. This is the highlight of my week! I have been wanting to see this movie for such a long, long time. I love almost any movie those two are in. Phenomenal entertainers :) A review to follow soon! Off to work.