Blind and unguided in a world divided

Drifting...merely languishing in the middle of a desolate winding path. Wandering aimlessly, in search of the "next" thing to add meaning to life. Often I wonder if I have forgotten the major elements that have made me who I am today; the fundamental building blocks. Perhaps I haven't forgotten, but instead forsaken the 'old' person I used to be? Surely all these things in life have intricately been linked by a stronger power (God), to lead me to my existence today. I have to believe that all the events in my life, good and bad, have meant something; on a level too deep for my comprehension. Otherwise I would become overwhelmed with confusion, and crumble in defeat. I don't want to grow weary and become stagnate on this "journey of revelation."

It all began at the end of July 2008. Being betrayed and left by the wayside seemed to end 'my world'. Of course that was a blessing in more ways than I can count. I was forced to be alone with myself and asking "who am I?" When others leave you, it's amazing how much you begin to build a relationship with yourself. I learned more during that time than I ever have before about ME. The person I am. At the time I would have rather faced death than press on alone and live with the agonizing torture of a best friends abandonment. Oh God, oh God, the little child I was. To think I needed people to get me through this life. How wrong I was. That was the push I needed to embark on this quest in finding the real me; the person lost way back there...somewhere.

What an enchanting exploration it has been. Freedom, freedom! I can literally hear the bells ringing "freedom is here!" But...you know there's always a 'but' to throw in there. But I still feel as though I drag along the weights of insecurity in my new friendships/relationships; resigning myself to a prison term of obscurity in life. Never quite feeling that I 'fit', always somewhere on the outside. I do count my blessings, and I thank God for my friendship with Teckie. It has been "my saving grace" during all the trials I've faced. Our friendship has witnessed many others come and go over the years. Still, how sad it is to be dominated by the feeling of "doom"; lurking in the shadows is the next fatal blow --intended to send me to my knees. Makes me think of the line by John Mayer, "gravity stay the hell away from me"...I won't fall again.


I was a wayward child
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon