I've got a right to dream

Today was one of those days were you just kind of exhale, and whisper "why today God, why today?"  Work is my life.  Animals are my life.  I can still say I absolutely love what I do.  The thought of not being able to work with animals is scary for me.  It's my belief that God has a destined path for all of us, that is intricately woven together to allow us all to be a contribution to our world; in a sphere too deep for our comprehension.  I am thankful for waiters at restaurants, teachers at our schools, bus drivers in our cities, etc. Those are all jobs I could never picture myself having and actually enjoying, but we need all these people to help our world maneuver today.  Because of my love for animals, I feel that I'm destined, chosen, picked to work in the field I'm in now. 

One of my fellow co-workers today told me she's leaving to go work for another hospital.  I am very happy for her, really I am, but part of me is deeply saddened.  I can't help but be happy for her, considering that I know why she's leaving.  When you work with people who are ungrateful, and make going to work each day more and more unbearable then eventually something will have to change.  Either those unhappy individuals will see how their negativity is starting to impact others and will choose to work towards a more positive work influence.  Or people will leave.  Sadly I don't think these certain individuals will ever see how their only spreading their bitterness, until we're all gone.  Marlee is one of the FEW co-workers with whom I actually consider a friend and can say I enjoy working with.  My dedication is still to my patients, but we can all only deal with so much.  

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.  If you're surrounded by people who drain you of the gift of life, then you should separate yourself, if it's possible.  I have that control, and I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness any longer.  Life is finally on track.  I'm happy in my personal life, and my work life is still bearable, but I won't become another angry bitter person who makes those around me feel unappreciated.  How hard is it to say "please, thank you, great job"???  I pray with the news of Marlee's departure things will change. 

Here's to being hopeful... 

December wrap up

Wow, this month has been so busy I've hardly had the time to blog!  Now that's just not acceptable.  The new year is only days away.  What a year it's been.  What a month it's been.  Me and my estranged friend over the past year, Augusta, mended our broken relationship.  I thank God for that.  Everything fell together in the right timing for us  to (unexpectedly) cross paths and talk.  In my heart I always prayed that something would happen to bring us together before this year ended.  So I'm very thankful that we are back together...thick as thieves!  I spent a lot of time preparing for my Christmas trip to New York City.  It was phenomenal!!!  Felt good to get away from Alabama, and experience some culture.  My desire to move there has multiplied 3,000 times over.  I feel more out of place every time I trek back to the south.  Not that it's a bad place, but it's not the place for me.  How amazing it is to be able to wear what you want, do what you want, and be accepted just for who you are.  That's my kind of place.

Last night I went out to celebrate my 24th birthday with some friends.  I can't help but think of all the blessings from this year.  Being with friends and people who I feel genuinely love and care about me makes me smile inside.  I can never forget the feeling of being unloved and ostracized for most of the year.  I was happy to spend my birthday with Stephanie & Cale, I consider them my saving grace.  My life has only gotten better since becoming friends with them.  Those are the kind of friendships I want to pursue in 2009.  I should be able to say "my life is better with you in it".  What's the point in having people in your life that only drain you of happiness???

Forgetting all the pain of '08...pressing on to face the wonders of 2009.

"but I won't give up tomorrow, cause I've come to life again" :)

Reflections

I had today off, most of which I've spent watching season two of House, on dvd. Doing nothing...ahhh, it feels so great sometimes. Only 29 days left in this year, and what a year it's been. The last few months have been the happiest of the year, but I can't forget all the tears I sowed in this year to reach this point of rejoicing. The journey was long and winding with many unexpected hurdles. I spent many nights angry, upset, confused, & alone begging God to take away the pain. Asking 'why' so many bad things had to happen.

The first half of the year was spent fighting to keep one of my childhood best friends in my life, little did I know she was already gone. It's hard to grapple with the realization that someone has abandoned you without warning. Especially when things seemed as perfect as could be. In my heart I still hold out hope that one day Augusta will return to my life and make me the happiest man alive. There's rarely a day that goes by that she's not on my mind at some point; I wonder how she's doing, is she okay, why did she leave me??? This year also taught me a priceless lesson: THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS. I had to set my mind on moving past the pain and exercise the simple act of forgiving. Calling forgiveness simple, is almost a joke in my opinion. If only it were that simple. How can you really forgive a 'friend' who betrays your trust, who shreds all decency from your friendship? A friend who takes part with your enemies in stripping you of your dignity & integrity? A friend who despises you enough to embarrass you & leave you heart broken in front of their 'new' and 'cooler' friends, honestly is it really a simple act to forgive those offenses??? Those scars are engraved so deep that no amount of plastic surgery could erase the pain they bore on me. The outward scars are nothing in comparison to the internal damage. The deep gashes and ridges within that people will never know of. Those are the ones where true forgiveness is practiced best. I'd like to add that those are the ones that make me fall on my knees and ask God to help me forgive and forgive and forgive until I can't forgive anymore, because I don't naturally want to. My mind says I'd rather get even with them; give them a taste of their own medicine. But through God, I've found a new understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't something we deserve or something we can earn. It's SIMPLE: we do it because He says to. At some point we all need forgiveness. I need it on a daily basis, that's for sure. Forgiveness is something to give free of charge, no payback necessary. It's a gift --so I'm going to give it freely with no strings. Oh God how I had to grasp that concept when it came to forgiving Bradley & Brent. I think they did everything possible to rob me of happiness in life. I am done trying to understand why they did the things they did, and why they had to use me in the process. I've done my part, the rest will be worked out between them and God.

If there is anything to be gained from the manipulation and hurt they bestowed upon me, it's better friendships. The two of them taught me a deeper lesson on friendship. I've had to cut some other people out of my life. Unhealthy friendships that were about using me. I've also had to open my heart to accept through forgiveness that God is allowing me to begin new friendships. How ironic is it, that in July I sat at home many nights feeling lonely, and thinking no one loved me, no one cared, all my 'friends' had left me for cooler people. You know the typical "whoa is me" party. Now here at the end of the year I have to schedule in 5 minutes to be alone, because I have gained even better friendships that are about fellowship and growing together. I know it's only because of God's grace on my life and walking it out with Him. For every time I was looked over, not invited, not included, He has returned those invites to me and multiplied them!

Just dance!

I danced until my feet were sore.  Until my legs felts like they were going to give way at any given moment.  And it felt GREAT! I danced...and I danced...and I danced.

Last night was great.  One of the best times I've had in awhile.  I went out and danced with some friends.  Dancing is such a great release.  The week was long, and sometimes stressful but I made it through.  My only weekend plans were to go home and curl up with a book.  As I was preparing to start a new book and my weekend of "rest" I got a call from two of my clients (well now their friends), asking if I wanted to go out.  That call was what I needed!  We ended up dancing the night away...that's the way I like to end a hard work week!

the message of peace lives on

As we approach the Day Of Compassion & World AIDS Day, I think of my ultimate hero Matty Stepanek.  Matty gives me hope when hope seems to be lost forever.  I find solace in knowing such magnificent minds have walked this earth and made peace their lifes message.  Through Matty's life my belief in peace on earth and goodwill to all men still lives on, despite the state of our world today.  It is easy to be influenced by the negativity we face today.  The lack of caring for one another has polluted the good nature of mankind.  And unfortunately it spreads like the plague.

Years ago, when I first heard of Matthew Joseph  Thaddeus Stepanek I was immediately taken aback.  I believe he was ten or eleven years old when I first heard of his story.  I was inspired by him choosing to see the glass as half full, always.  Matty suffered from a rare form of muscular dystrophy.   Dysautonomic Mitochondrial Myopathy.  Through his many 'close calls' with death, Matty continued to PRESS ON and spread his heart song of peace and love to the world.  A message that will never grow old.  I think of his life, his heart, and his dream of seeing the message of peace flow from human to human like a rapid ocean tide that no one can escape.  An ocean of peace that drowns everyone in its path.  Every year when the Day Of Compassion nears, Matty instantly comes to mind.  He lived for compassion.  It's something I want to embody, compassion.  I want all of us to be zealous for the simple act of compassion.  Like Matty, when my time comes to leave here, I too want to know that my life was one that inspired peace and compassion to those around me.  

In June 2004 'our guy', Matty could no longer fight his illness and went home to be with the Lord.  What a loss to the world; an advocate for peace.  Go online or to a local book store and read Matty's collection of poetry he wrote during his life.  Poetry that speaks of peace & hope.  It's inspiration is more profound than you can imagine.  The message is simple: PEACE.  One of my favorite quotes comes from Matty...think gently, speak gently, live gently.  Gives me chill bumps every time.  The simplicity of it, yet the power it contains.  

December 1st is World AIDS Day & the Day Of Compassion.  Go out and find someone to impact, or find something to take part in to show your heart --your real heart!  A heart of love and peace.  And may it live on within you day after day.

"Remember to play after every storm"

-Matty Stepanek

Every once in awhile

As I prepare for this years end, I can't help but reflect on all that has taken place this year. Funny to think, but 4 months ago was probably the bleakest my life has every been. Desolate and alone, abandoned by two people whom I loved and still love with all my heart. Unable to enter new friendships because of the side effects left from previous ones. I really thought I'd reached the end. I mean once those people you completely trust turn on you, who can you really trust from that point? But really I am so thankful that I don't have a give up spirit. Call me a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. Now in retrospect, I am more than grateful to God for seeing me through every hurdle that was presented to me this year. Through it all, I learned that deep down inside there was still something...a part of me...if only a tiny fragment left of who I am. Antonio. There was a hope that still resided, deep below the surface. A glimmer of hope. I had to go on a digging expedition to find it. But there was still something inside, telling me if you just hold on, justice will be served...everything will come full circle.

From the ashes of the friendships 'lost', has risen much stronger, deeper, more passionate friendships than before. I've only remained close to a few friends since the realization that people aren't what you think they are. The remaining friendships are better than I ever would have dreamed. Along the way I've encountered and formed bonds with new intriguing people. People that are stunning. For the first time in my life I've felt that security I've longed for. Security in being me. I've always suffered from black sheep syndrome. It seems as though everywhere I go, I am an outcast...the outsider; something I've grown accustomed to, seclusion. I've always believed that love prevails over all things. Not many people have shared this view with me; in that ostracism I've found strength in being myself. At times I've come across as apathetic, and I know this. All along it was more of a guise to cope with neglect. Neglected needs. Now I'm going to focus on those needs because it feels so good to be alive and happy for once in life. True happiness. Let people say and do what they want to me, but I will never allow ice to sheath around my heart.

No matter how bad things may have gotten for me this year, I am taking some truly valuable and priceless lessons into 2009. Pressing in and pressing on, never giving up.

"I find somewhere deep inside, someone strong still resides...and I know I'm gonna be fine"
-M. Carey

Delightful weekend

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is cool, not cold, but just right for me.  The leaves are turning to those beautiful autumn colors, and I practically smell Christmas in the air.  I have another busy work week ahead of me and it's OK.  I am looking forward to it.  I hit a few rough patches last week, some co-workers and I really bumped heads, but it's all in the past.  Saturday night after I got home from work, I went to see a movie.  Role Models.  Of course I am a huge Paul Rudd fan.  Who knew he could be so comical???  I needed all of those laughs.  The movie is complete hilarity through and through.  Though it is rate R.  Parents you'll probably do your kids a favor if you take them to see the Madagascar. 

Here I am, Monday morning starting all over again.  Here's to believing this week shall be better than the last!

YES WE CAN!

On THIS DAY I have never been more proud to be an American!  Barack Obama has become my country's 44th President.  To be honest, I'm still filled with such emotion to even blog about this historic event is almost impossible.  I cried, I shook, and trembled last night when I heard those words ..."Barack Obama has become America's 44th President."  After years, decades, and centuries of feeling a strong sense of injustice this victory is a sweet one.  One that I savor with the rest of THE WORLD.  This is not just a moment in American History, but a moment that will be known the world over.  This is world history!  Let's rewrite the books!  I gave my thoughts on Barack Obama before the voting took place, and I still hold to the things I said.  He is a man of great integrity, strength, & wisdom.  He is what this country needs to heal from years of a poorly ran administration and decades of inequality for some of our country's ground breakers.  He is a beacon of hope for millions of Americans.  Especially for African-Americans, young & old.  Last night I feel that HOPE was restored in my heart.  Anything is possible!  It can be done!  YES WE CAN!  It's a feeling that I don't expect anyone to understand.  All of my life, I've read in the history books of how blacks have been oppressed, abused, and degraded --beaten down by injustice.  Ostracized by a country that is supposed to be the land of opportunity and fairness. Now in my life time I can rejoice in the fact that we have overcome!  I have never in my 23 years of life been more proud to be an American --an African-American! 

I am deeply saddened by the things I've read on facebook and myspace.  I didn't realize I knew so many ignorant and arrogant people.  The true colors of many Americans has been revealed.  But I am thanking God for a new day!  Say what you may, but BARACK OBAMA IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!  He is the man for the job.  

I am overwhelmed with joy for the hope that has been implanted in a new generation.  All things are possible...to those that BELIEVE!!!  I've never once doubted Barack Obama could and would be our nations 44th President.  His character, his heart, and his passion has inspired me from the first day he put his foot in the ring.  The least likely to take this honor has reached an unattainable goal. I've been taught by the bible that ONE DAY the last will be first!  Those who sow in tears will reap songs of joy!  President Barack Obama will forever be one my living heroes.  I thank God for this moment in history and being blessed to be alive to witness this.

CONGRATULATIONS to PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA!  YES WE CAN!!!

A living hero

For me a hero is simply someone of great courage and wisdom; overcoming obstacles and beating the odds.  A person of great character, someone to be admired for their work ethic; a life based on love for one another. Compassion.  According to Webster a hero is: (a) a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities (b) one that shows great courage (c) the central figure in an event, period, or movement.  I have a few living heroes that come to mind whenever I think of the meaning behind the word hero.  Though a hero is generally thought of as a savior I know that a person can't save me, but rather influence me.  Make a lasting impact on my life; a figure who has carved a deep impression on the inside of me, engraving just a little bit of themselves into the person I am.  The person I will become. The people whom I hold in such regard are not just public figures for the world to see at but also those who most will never know.  

Last night after watching the thirty minute Barack Obama campaign ad I felt an inspiration so deep words can only try to convey the strength of the impact from the ad.  All politics aside, I saw a true leader standing on that platform.  A leader who has been years in the making; poised and confident, ready for the challenges that are ahead.  I'm not a political fanatic who is trying to sway anyone.  Despite the pending outcome of this years election, he will forever be a living hero in my life.  Barack Obama.  There are few people who possess the qualities of real leaders.  His character has always caught my attention.  Steady and consistent.  Who he is as a person is who he has always been, and that is something to admire in a leader.  He's not afraid of ruffling feathers to inspire change.  I have seen many 'leaders' who lack character.  Character is one of the foundational elements of making a leader.  Without it you're not a qualified leader, in my opinion.  A leader has wisdom.  Not necessarily wisdom that has come from experience, but rather the ability to look at a situation and have the common sense to make a decision that will yield positive results. Not decision making made without thought, or decision making reached out of haste.  Wisdom.  Most of all I admire his ability to relate to people.  I think his interaction with people shows his heart.  A true heart of compassion for others.  And that is what moves me probably more than anything, a person who has a genuine love, concern, & compassion for mankind.  Of course he's not perfect, but perfectionism isn't what makes a leader.  He makes me see that nothing is impossible.  He inspires people to unite.  A door has been creaking open steadily for many, many years; being slowly pushed by leaders of the past, now Barack has flung the door open and taken a step to the other side.  His courage to take it to another level is an inspiration to me.  I think any race can appreciate the path he has paved for the generations to come.  Come what may next week, Barack Obama is forever a hero to me.

Light bulb moment

Oprah has brought the phrase "light bulb moment" into millions of homes. Having a 'light bulb' moment basically means, something goes off in your mind that makes you think "oh ok, I get it now". People with backgrounds in psychology can easily understand this concept. Two days ago, for no particular reason I had a light bulb moment. Life for what it's worth isn't supposed to be this oppressing defeated journey in which we drudge through in hopes for peace 'on the other side'. I think many of us; too many of us at that, live our lives with the mentality of this is hell on Earth, we'll only be happy in the great by and by. Complete foolishness!!! I've thought some of those things to myself over the years, more so when I would be down about something going on in my life. I'm 23 years old, life hasn't been easy for me at all. In fact most of my life has been a battle. But so has life for a good deal of the rest of the world. We all have daily battles, it's not just resigned to fall on one pitiful little soul. I've battled with myself, family, society, friends, etc. How can I possibly make everyone happy??? Now I see that's the million dollar question we feel obligated to build our lives around from the day we're born. Easy answer: YOU CAN'T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY WITH YOU...GIVE IT UP! The older I've gotten the more I've come to understand the realization of freedom, and the importance of it. Allow people to be who they are.

Because of my chaotic background I've always possessed a certain level of independence. I've always had a select few people whom I highly value their opinion and acceptance of me. Now over the months of 2008 I've become one with myself and the general thought process about accepting my God given freedom and it feels GREAT! This weekend I had some photos taken of me, and as I was being directed to do poses, I harbored thoughts in the back of my head about what would certain people think. Though all the photos & poses were nothing to be ashamed of, innocent photos really. I was even intimidated by some of the onlookers who stopped to observe, as the photos were being shot in public. Randomly, another light bulb moment hit me: WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT THEY THINK ANYWAY??? Do the photos, exude the confidence of a King son, we're each entitled to believe that we're capable doing whatever our heart desires. We're all different for all sorts of reasons, live with it :)

I don't understand it!!!

Today at work was long and busy, yet very peaceful --for me. I can't really explain it. There was just this peace that covered me from head to toe. Things that have been bothering me for awhile with co-workers and just unavoidable work issues: tardiness, inefficiency, attitudes, careless clients, abuse cases etc. did not phase me in the slightest. These are things that I have to face daily in my line of work so get used to it is what I've been reminding myself constantly. I saw a serve animal abuse case today, that reinforced (to me) why I love doing what I do. People can be so cruel; bullies because they're the stronger vessel. I can't understand abuse and refuse to try. There just isn't a reason for it. One of the dogs I saw today had been burned by the owner and abandoned. Burned so severely there was no skin left on her back, revealing flesh and bone. What sense does that make??? How can anyone make sense of that??? Or how could someone do this??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!!! But the up side to this is that the dog survived and will make a full recovery. I think my job is one given to me by God, to give back and be a voice for those that can't speak up for themselves. I love my job and am thankful to have the opportunity to give back everyday.

The need to feel loved and accepted

Patience is underrated.  Why get in a hurry to see things happen or try to make them happen on our own, when we're mere mortals?  Patience.  All in due time things work themselves out to how they should be.  I am not worried about today, tomorrow, or next week.  What will be, will be so the saying goes.  I've learned to accept that.  There's not much I can do to change things.  What is inevitable, will happen either way, right.  I've been hurt a lot in the past.  I've been hurt a lot this year, that to even stop and think of all the hurt inflicted I still feel a small jab right under my rib cage from the pain, the embarrassment, the feeling of being alone; abandoned by the ones you love and trust the most.  I choose to believe that we're all good at heart.  How can mankind thrive if we don't have some good in us, right?  Or perhaps it's just my own naivety to think that everyone is good deep down, even if it can't be seen with the naked eye.  

This past weekend I really felt that God reminded me why it's important to stay humble and not fret over things that are much too big for me to handle.  Patience has brought me more answers and peace than what I would have found if I tried to fix my problems and change people.  Yes, I've had some dear 'friends' throw me away this year but I've chosen not to worry about what they did or why they did it.  And it's all come full circle.  I'm engulfed in happiness...I'm almost drowning.  I've found and bonded with people who care about me and want to be around me.  I didn't have to go looking for these people.  God allowed our paths to cross as I patiently waited and went about my life.  I haven't felt this way in years and I love it.  To be loved, desired, valued...all the things we as humans want to feel.

How do rumors get started?

I don't like rumors, at all.  In fact when someone typically tries to tell me something they've 'heard' about someone I don't even listen to it.  Why waste my time concerning myself with something that is likely untrue anyway?  Life is much too short to worry about what others are or aren't doing.  GET A LIFE! :)  We all have our own lives to live, right???  I had lunch with a close friend of mine Sunday afternoon, and I was informed of some different rumors going around about myself and people I'm involved with.  Typically when someone tells me they've heard something about me it doesn't bother me, I have never had a problem with honesty.  If you want to know something, ask me.  It just irritates me when a group of lifeless people (losers), none of whom I know personally.  In fact 90% of these people have never even talked to me --ever.  So I find it funny that they can know SO MUCH about me.  Things about me that even I didn't know!

After hearing some of the things that are being said I felt a little down, because I genuinely like all people.  The thought that all of these random people have all these negative things to say about me kind of offended me.  But once I took a moment to stop and evaluate some things, I saw the whole situation through a new light. 1. Look at where they live --of course there's no other source of entertainment other than gossip. 2. I'd NEVER associate with any of these people anyway --they're a social offense to anyone who knows how to enjoy life 3. I'm sure most of them have an IQ equivalent of your average 4th grader 4. None of them have experienced any culture since this area (location) is all they know --so gossip is the driving force in their lives.

This past summer was not easy for me by any means.  I re-learned the importance of unconditional love and forgiving people.  I've forged some truly amazing friendships in the wake of the madness of being ousted by one of my best friends.  I'm not here to apologize to anyone for decisions I've made.  No matter what is going on in my life, the main point is that I'm happy, I'm free, I'm loved, I have a select few friends who mean the world to me.  Yes, I've become involved with certain people recently that could make a few people raise their eyebrows.  It's safe to take it for what it is and not judge a book by it's cover.  Everyone that THINKS they have a grip on what has or is going on with me is most likely wrong.  I'm a free-spirit.  Always have been, always will be.  The black sheep --that's me.  I'm me.  I just had to do a little ranting because the rumor brigade kind of ruffled my feathers with all the foolishness.  But what can I do??? 

"WE TAKE THE HITS AND MOVE ON" 

-Teckie Matthews Hinkebein

Protective mode

Monday was a really good day for me.  I'm just now finding the time to write about it.  I really enjoyed my therapy session.  I feel like I'm breaking ground in getting back to the basics in life.  I've thrown myself back into work harder than ever.  That can always be a good or bad thing.  For now, it's what is working for me.  I can't worry about much else when I walk behind those doors because there are much more important things to focus on.  Thank God for my job.  Sometimes I think it serves as therapy for me too.  This blog seems to indicate that I'm not happy, which isn't the case.  I've found myself kinda in 'protective' mode because I learned a lifetime worth of lessons from all the drama of this summer, and I want to make sure I don't go through that again.  In retrospect I don't even really know how I made it through that dark place, because I was clearly out of it.  I thank those who actually stuck it out and dealt with me during that insane time.  Wow, what a weird time.

Once again, within the last week I've met someone else that I really click with.  But I'm taking my time in getting to know this person.  I just want to be happy and be around people who get me somewhat.  So I'm not saying too much about this...until the friendship grows.  I've learned not to jump the gun by spilling too many details too early on :)

deja vu

Back again...trying to figure out where to begin.  I get the feeling that I might be allowing myself to be used...again.  Story of my life, right???  I wish things could continue to go the way they've been going for me.  Unfortunately that is not reality.  I am still very much happy because I'm in a really good place in my life.  Things have finally come full circle for me.  But I can't really ignore the signs that I've seen before.  I'll do anything to not relive the pain of this summer.  That was a real learning experience for me.  An experience I only have to go through once.

I can't help but feel like I'm watching a car wreck take place in slow motion.  I've seen all of this before.  I think part of my problem is that I always tend to give 110% in any of my friendships/relationships and I only expect 50% from everyone else.  Perfect recipe for disaster huh???  Time for some restructuring to begin.

Character & Love

Today I was thinking about my life and character.  Character is something I always look for in a person.  It carries us further than most people seem to realize.  How we react in a situation tells a lot about us as a person.  I feel that I've shown good character over the years, though I've dropped the ball quiet a few times.  As I've grown and been faced with the harsh reality of the 'real world', it's obvious that today more than ever we have to strive to keep our character as a main focus in life.  We live in a ME, ME, ME society; what can you do for ME, well what about ME, I only care about ME, etc.  Everything is centered around helping ourselves, and in the process of "enjoying" life I feel we damage and jeopardize our character without realizing it.  I can only speak for myself when I give these views.  This is how I see things coming from the eyes of ME.

Who am I???  I think my character is a one of love, or at least that's what I want my character to always be.  With love there's nothing that can't be accomplished.  It takes love to truly enjoy life.  Nothing on the face of this earth is bigger than the ability to love.  Come on, it's FREE OF CHARGE!  How awesome is that???  From love flows a multitude of life impacting virtues; honesty, dignity, and IMPACT.  Of the three I'd have to say the gift of impacting another persons life for the positive is my favorite.  Within the last few months I've been impacted by some great individuals --new and old.  Their impact has helped me to believe that there's still good in the world and that I can be loved for who I am.  That kind of impact can't be labeled with a price.  Though this summer was by far one of the roughest for me, I've gained a whole other level of appreciation for the character of people.  Sure, some of the characters I dealt with almost drained me of all I have to offer in this life, but thank God for the people He sent to show me there's still a light in the world.

I want to get back to the basics of what my life is: LOVE.  I want love to reign in my life that no matter what you've done to me I can love you, no matter how much it hurts I can love you, no matter who is out to get me I have true unbridled love for them.  Until the day I go home I want love to be my daily theme in life as I go day to day.

Slow dancing in a burning room

Here's another late night post.  My internal clock is rather screwed up it seems, huh?  At any rate, I'm here.  I talked to Teckie Wednesday evening after work.  It was one of the first times we've had the chance to really talk since her wedding a few weeks ago.  In several of my previous posts I've mentioned what a great friendship I've shared with Teckie for years now.  Not many people can say that they have a best friend like her.  I'm not going to get into that whole spill, because I could seriously right a book about how awesome she is.  Moving along...she now knows the extent of everything that has taken place over the last month or so.  And I feel such love and support from her.  This is the happiest I've been since she's known me, and to have her notice that really makes me feel good inside.  Despite what everyone thinks, there's only a few people that really matter to me.  Teckie is one of those of course, because NO MATTER WHAT I WANT TO HEAR she'll give it to me straight.  She has given me quite the beating before with her opinion.  Honesty at it's best.

Having a chance to bare my inner most thoughts to her today was a relief.  She's been one of the few people to not view my friendship with Brent from a negative perspective.  Like myself, she believes anyone can change and you can't listen to what everyone else has to say.  Because there's one fact that we can always rely on and that is that people are usually wrong.  After our talk I've heard the last and most important opinion that matters to me.  I am going to give Brent the same friendship I've shared with Teckie.  I believe it'll work out the same way, if it doesn't then you know I will survive.  But for now I'm trusting with all my heart that I'm doing what is right.

update

I've been away for a few days. Within that time my computer decided to crash or something (go figure it's a Dell), but I'm not worrying about it right now. I worked all weekend and then came to Auburn to hang out with Brent. Of course it was a lot of fun, we went to Tuscaloosa to go see Sarah & Zach. It felt like I spent the entire day of Sunday on the road. Fun times, fun times.

I'm always thinking, whether intentionally or not, my brain is always cooking. Lately I've been really putting some thought into where my life is at right now. I'm happy for the most part. I feel like I've really grown a tremendous amount, even within the last month. I feel free and it's great. But at the same time, I've begun to wonder am I doing a little too much, enjoying life a little too much??? My weekends have been filled with partying, meeting new people, etc. And all of those things are great, but without moderation I think we can become excessive without realizing. It's just kind of hitting me that perhaps I should slow down because I'm going a little too fast.

I am so happy with the friendship I have with Brent. I've never felt so supported and understood in my life. Literally, within a month I've become closer to him than I have with anyone else. I know a lot of people think it's a bad thing to have things happen so instantly, and I can't even blame them for thinking it. All I can say in response to how things have worked out is I know what's going on, and it's indescribeable. Within this whirlwind month I've really come to see and appreciate honesty. There's nothing friends can't work through if both people are just honest...no cover-ups, or trying to hide. Just plain honesty, at all costs.

Tomorrow morning I return back to work after having two days off (unheard of huh?) For once I'm not looking forward to it. There's been a lot of drama with a co-worker that is affecting all of us, I think none of us really want to be there until it's all resolved. Come what may, I'll still be there ready for whatever the day holds.

never say never

Wow, where and how do I begin???  The phrase "Never say never" is continuously ringing in my head, over and over.  The last month of my life has been by far the best.  I don't think I've ever really been so happy.  As M.C. would say "I can't even know what to say"...literally I'm grasping for the words to convey what has happened and what is happening.  I think I got used to being unhappy, so it's a lot to take in, being able to say that I'm happy.

A little over three years ago I met Brent through a mutual friend.  To make a long story short we didn't get along.  He said some hurtful things about me and I did the same in exchange.  You know, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.  And I honestly built up a level of hate, bitterness, & resentment for him.  I didn't want anything to do with him or anyone who was associated with him.  It didn't make the situation any better to constantly hear negative things about him.  It made me feel even more like I shouldn't like him or give him a chance.  I felt justified in not liking him.  But over the last month or so, the tables have turned.  Out of the blue, my 'best friend' turned his back on me and left me high and dry.  Ironically enough, once I was able to scrape myself up off the floor and bounce back Brent was one of the main people to help me.  Throughout this insanely crazy, indescribable journey I've found a real best friend in him.  Yes, things seem like they've moved kinda fast.  But that's the cool part about it (to me) is the fact that no one understands or 'gets' it.  I think we're probably the only two who actually know what's going on.  And it can't really be explained to people other than I've found my best friend in him.  I'm not one to do something like this, because I don't like making a fool of myself.  I've had quite a few people say I'm doing just that, he can't change, and he's going to use me etc.  You know if there's one thing I've learned within the last month and a half it's to not worry about what MIGHT happen.  Just live and trust that you're going to make it and be okay.  I have never felt more supported in my life.  I think Brent is one of the greatest people I've ever met.  And I'm so happy our paths crossed when they did.  Anyone who knows anything about the situation will probably laugh when I say he's got to be the most amazing person I've ever met.  But the good news is, I don't care what anyone thinks.  I know what I know and that suits me fine.

Life  lesson: NEVER SAY NEVER!

WAR EAGLE!

What a great weekend. I went to Auburn, to stay the weekend with my friend Brent. Lots and lots of fun. I needed the time away, though I'm sure Mary will find a wonderful form of punishment to make me never want to take two weekends off again --EVER. On the journey, Lauren and I hit an owl the size of a toddler. Phew, thank God it didn't cause us to careen into a ditch. I'll answer the looming question in your mind, NO I did not attempt to save him. If you could have seen the impact you'd understand why.

A few glasses of White Zin, Riesling, & GAF (DON'T ask what the latter means, just beware that it will creep up on you) and we were set for the first game of the season. WAR EAGLE!!!:)

The Wedding

This has been a great weekend, despite the nasty weather.  Yesterday evening my best friend in the whole world tied the knot!  I'm not one for weddings, but I wouldn't have missed hers for anything.  Awful weather or not, I was not going to miss it.  Of course Teckie was one of the most beautiful brides I've ever seen.  I'm so happy for her that I find it hard to properly verbalize how great it felt to see her marrying such a great guy.  I don't think there's anyone who has seen Teckie since she met Andrew who wouldn't say that she has this radiant glow about her.  I couldn't have found a better person to come and take her away!

It felt like a high school reunion, people whom I haven't seen in years (some since graduation) showed up for the celebration.  I admit the reception was phenomenal; fantastic music, great food, & lots to drink:)  It was great to see everyone.  All in all I can say that we're all doing great and actually living out our dreams.  It makes me very happy to see that most of us have found our 'niche' in life and are really happy with our careers.  How often does it work out like that?  I guess we're a lucky class.

Congratulations to Teckie & Andrew! 

out with the old

Got my music playing softly in the background, the window in my room is open just enough to allow a cool breeze to blow through. I love opening my windows late at night when the weather is just right out. I like for things to lean more towards the cool side, I also enjoy listening to all the random nature sounds. The whole combination is very lulling; I literally zone out and enter a place of serenity that nothing can compare to. After today at work I just want to relax. We were very busy, especially towards the end. Oddly enough, I still got off on time. I felt very accomplished, considering how insanely busy things were. Christina (one of my co-workers) & I went and ate dinner with Dr. McCall and her family at her house. I enjoyed it. Jacob & I played the Wii while we waited on the food to finish cooking. Nintendo has changed quite a bit since I was kid, but I can say that I really have fun playing it. Nothing like being a kid again!

On to the issue at hand. Well, I guess I shouldn't say "issue" because that insinuates some sort of problem. I'm not having any real issues or problems. But in my quest for freedom and that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (happiness), I've hit a few hurdles. I am so happy I don't even know what to do. I know life is never perfect, it's almost like we go through trials, then once we come out of that we have a brief reprieve before something else happens to make us stronger. Right now I feel happier than I have in years. I've made new friends and I've grown much closer to my old friends (those who have chosen to remain true). Over the last week or so, I've had a few people to begin telling me that I'm setting myself up for failure by associating with certain new friends. I had to remind myself that the people trying to tell me this aren't even my friends, and the particular person they're 'warning' me about has, in my opinion changed. I am at a point to where I feel that I am in control of my life and my decisions for the first time in a long time. I only want to make choices that are going to be fruitful in my life. I really feel that I'm doing what is right for me. So until God says otherwise I am going to continue being happy and doing what I've been doing. My life has turned around dramatically since last month, and it's all good. I'm happy and that's what matters, right?

the weekend

Phenomenal, phenomenal weekend!  I worked hard and got the chance to go out with friends.  Banfield was the hospital on call this weekend.  I saw some really interesting new cases.  Overall it wasn't too bad, we made it through.  I had the most fun time Friday night after work, I went out with my friends Lauren & Brent.  They really made my weekend great.  We had our own party until the wee hours of Saturday morning.  Brent is starting school at Auburn Monday, so our main reason for celebrating was for him leaving and starting over.  I'll toast to that!

Beautiful day

Today was another great day.  The weather was beautiful, I worked normal hours, and didn't have to deal with any outstanding/strange/odd cases.  Who could ask for a better Friday?  I ate lunch with one of my co-workers, and just the fact that I got an hour and half lunch without any interruptions is hard to grasp.  Those days just don't happen very often.  After work I went to Kim's house (one of my long time friends from high school) and we talked for a few hours about everything.  It felt good to catch up.  Now I am dressed and almost ready to go out for the night.  I'm going to have dinner with a couple of friends tonight.  Cheers to celebrating friendships, new and old.

I Know This Much Is True

I decided to briefly blog before I call it a night. Yesterday & today at work has worn me out. I spent all day yesterday feeling like I was a million paces behind. I just never seemed to catch up. I didn't actually end my work day until almost 3 a.m. this morning. Now I am thinking of getting an apartment in Dothan, until my transport to the Big Apple is finalized. It would save me a lot of traveling time on insanely busy nights like last night. Who knows what'll happen, we'll see though. I found time to stop by B&N last night in between all the madness, I bought a new book I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb. Reading is my favorite thing to do when I have down time. I began the book today and I've already become one with it. I am off all day Sunday and I plan on reading until I can't take it anymore.

The return to work

The past week has been good.  Returning to work was the best part of it all.  I have OCD when it comes to my job; I love being there because there's never a moment when something isn't taking place --new things to learn everyday, I love it.  Organized chaos at it's best.  All in all I'm thankful for everything that has happened, good and bad.  When bad things happen to us, we tend to think "God I can't deal with this anymore", and after last months back to back 'bad moments' I really thought I couldn't live on.  Everyone that knows me is aware of what I'm referring to, so there's no need to re-hatch any specific events.  It's in the past, never to be mentioned again.  As it tends to work out most of the time, we realize after we've survived the storm that we had more strength than we believed.  I feel much more confident, happy, & peaceful than I have in years.  Looking back at all the trials, I now give thanks to God for allowing everything that took place to happen,  because it only made me stronger and learn to rely on Him more than before.  

Last night after work, I went out to dinner with some friends.  Everyone knows I'm all about a good meal and a glass of wine.  It feels incredible to be happy & free to enjoy life again.  This was something I had gotten 'used' to not doing anymore in order to make certain people happy.  I'm not blaming anyone in particular, because it doesn't matter anymore, but you can only know this feeling if you've been imprisoned whether it's by a person, situation, etc.  I'm just overwhelmed with joy that the fight is over.  

We take the hits and move on

I was awaken this morning by a killer headache. This happens from time to time, usually I just have to ride it out until it's over. That is why I am up at 3:30 a.m. I thought I'd update my blog, for those of you who keep up with it. Yesterday I talked to Teckie about the drama that has seemed to surround my every move lately. Teckie has been my best friend for years and knows the "real" me. There has literally never been a problem too big or small for me to come to her with. I've always appreciated our friendship, because no matter what, we've always been straight shooters with each other. However, I decided it would be best not to mention the events of the last few months to her, because after all she is getting married in a few weeks and has a lot on her plate. But I'm so thankful to the Lord for sending me a friend that "gets" me. She has been my real "therapist" since before we graduated. When she found things hadn't been going good, she immediately does what she's always done. She asked me flat out to be honest and tell her what's been happening that I've neglected to mention to her. Not in a bossy or overly aggressive way. Fact is, Teckie has always been a no nonsense kind of person. She likes to get to the meat of things and move on. Today I got to do my final unload (that's what I'm calling it) on her. It was almost like it was God's divine timing. I have spent the last few days not worrying about who likes me and who doesn't, who's betrayed me and who hasn't, etc. I've just been at peace. But I think Teckie really gave me the final push to just seek peace and move on.

Starting Tuesday morning we corresponded back and forth through email about the current status of both our lives. This is what we typically have to do because with both our jobs it's hard to just stop and have a two hour phone conversation. Her final email of the day contained a few really powerful, honest, yet simple, and caring words of advice that pushed me over the edge into this newfound freedom. I'm sharing a few of her thoughts in this blog because the advice was just that impacting and life-changing for me. She has sort of been dealing with the same situation of abandonment too, so she knows where I'm at. The one part of the email she sent has forever impacted me. It read : "We take the hits and move on!....For now, I'm moving on and doing all I can to make sure my mental, physical, emotional, etc. well-being is top notch."

We take the hits and move on --that's it exactly! I don't know why this didn't just hit me earlier on. Maybe it was meant for me to go through the season of loneliness in order to truly deal with the pain. I keep hearing Teckie say that line over and over again. And she's right, there's nothing I can do about what has been done to me but accept it and move on with the lessons that come from the situation. There's no point in trying to get revenge or seek justice. God will handle that part at the appropriate time. I intend to focus on keeping myself in top form and letting the rest take care of itself.

Like I Never Left

You know it's amazing how with just a few days away from everyone I have gained so much insight into the person I am. At the recommended advice of two really special people in my life, I have decided to just cut myself off from the world for awhile. There has been one dramatic thing after another the past month or so and I haven't really had time to take any of it in, without someone giving their opinion. And deep down I need to think on my own for myself. Since Wednesday I've begun to revert back to the "old" Antonio. The person who is happy with the minimal things in life; reading a book, walking my dogs, praying, finding ways to impact people and so forth. I plan on spending a few more weeks just having time for myself to continue to heal from the abandonment that almost did me in. I didn't realize it, but with the new people I've met I have been taking my abandonment issues out on them. I second guess everything that they tell me, I think everyone has a hidden agenda for being my friend, I constantly feel this underlying feeling of rejection. It's not fair that I should go into these new friendships dragging along my 4 year baggage called Bradley & Augusta.

The fact that Augusta left me without warning almost 8 months ago is just now beginning to sink in. That was something that I would never have guess would happen, not in a million years. It's funny how those we give ourselves to, can hurt you without giving it a second thought. Now Bradley has decided to jump ship and abandon me too. All of this has forced me to face reality and try to move on. At the end of the day we all have one person to go home to, and that is ourselves. The one person you can never get away from. The real us. The one who knows the insecurity we feel, even when we put on the biggest front. The one who knows the thoughts you never say aloud. The one that knows what it's like to really be you.

In getting aquatinted with "me" --Antonio, I see that I became co-dependent on Bradley, which should have never happened. I invested more time than I should have helping him to believe in himself. Somehow in the process I allowed him to drained me of the faith and belief I had in myself. We traded places in other words. I burned more bridges in 4 years for our "friendship", bridges that I would be able to turn to in times like these. Essentially I sacrificed everything for one person, just have them tell me "thanks, but I don't care about you anymore". Wow, you can image how great facing this reality has been for me. Same thing with Augusta. Though I always thought our friendship was much stronger than mine with Bradley could have ever been. These truths are not something I want to admit, but I know that it's the only way to have real closure. I won't let what they did to me be taken out on people who truly care for me. I can't change what has been done, I can only face it and pray for the strength to move on and not look back.

Amanda & Trey both helped me to see and understand that I can't just go through all of this and then move on like it's nothing. 4 years is a long time when we're talking about a persons life, feelings, emotions, etc. I can't get Augusta to talk to me at all, so I am accepting that we're done. I talked with Bradley today, and I've decided it's the last time we'll ever speak. I don't know the person I spoke with today. If there was ever a chance of things being worked out, that is shattered now. Any desire I may have had to resolve things has completely vanished. I can accept that I've been neglected for drugs & "cooler" people. It happens. I guess if they could leave for such things than I must not have meant very much to begin with huh?

Tomorrow is a new day, and if it's in God's plan for me to see it I only want to focus on enjoying my everyday life. Getting back to the real me --like I never left.

Here I Am

Who am I?  What is my life about?  Certainly all the stress of the last few months isn't all there is to life.  

I've have been pondering those two questions a lot within the recent weeks.  I am finally beginning to have some clarity and understanding of some things.  I don't have all the answers as to why life has been going the way it's going.  To have a "friend" decide to up and leave you high and dry when you need them most is probably one of the most painful things you can have happen.  To just give up on you and not care about your feelings.  Sometimes I wish I could make all the pain go away myself.  Unfortunately, I'm having to walk it out like everyone else who goes through this kind of situation.  Perhaps I shouldn't use the word unfortunately, because with each day that goes by I gain more clarity of the situation.  With that clarity I find more strength to go on alone.  I lose hope that this person will ever come to realize what they did to me hurts on a level that I can't even begin to explain.  Each day that this person continues to keep their back turned to me, I still find a way to survive and deal with everything that is going on in my life.  Things that I would typically be able to rely on this person to help me through.  I'm now having to rely solely on myself.  Walking alone really makes you see the world differently.  Though I still can't grasp just leaving someone in such a hateful, malicious way I know it happens to the best of us.  Why should I be an exception.

Over the past week I've had more freedom than I've in a very long time.  Getting to go out and dance, have lunch with old friends, & just hang out has been great.  I've met some new people in the last week that I'm getting to know.  So far I like them a lot, but if I find out tomorrow that they don't like me I've learned that I can live through the rejection.  No matter what people may or may not think of me I can still have an impact in this world and continue to be used for Gods will.  I do have lonely moments where I find myself missing the human contact and interaction.  But I keep telling myself "God all I need is You", and I feel that if I hold tight to that and believe, then one day He'll allow what's happening to come full circle in my life.  Despite how sad I may find myself I believe that my value in life isn't found in acceptance from people, in the end all that will matter is Gods acceptance of me. 

Through it all, I still believe that there are truly amazing people in the world who care for me.  There may not be many, but that's OK by me.  I had an intense talk with Tracy last night.  She's honestly one of the few friends I can say I have left.  She's been here for me before, when this "friend" left me a few years ago.  I don't know why I didn't listen then and just get out while I still had the chance to salvage some of my dignity as decent human in the world.  Oh well, it's too late to worry about what I should've done.  The damage has been done and I'm starting over.  I am here, so if you're looking for someone to be there and be true, here I am.  Give me the chance and I'll give you all I have to offer. 

one day at a time

I've been blogging more than usual lately for two reasons: to keep those who care updated on all that has happened with me and I find emotionally uplifting to be able to write about how I feel and get it out there.  Today has been a good day.  At times I've been kinda down & sad because it still hurts to think of how much my life has changed in the last week.  But I'm continuing with my plan to move on and be strong.  I only have a few more days until my vacation begins.  Today I talked with the person who hurt me.  I felt more closure than I could have ever imagined I'd feel.  While listening to them I felt empty in a sense.  I still haven't been given a reason as to why I was left by the wayside, but I can be honest and say I'm fine with not knowing.  I don't want to know anymore.  Too many good things are coming from the madness that I thought I couldn't survive.  I feel as though by the person abandoning me I was emptied of a lot of things and it makes me happy to truly know this person now.  Because through the abandonment, I've been forced to move on and not turn back.  I think how we respond to situations shows our character and who we are on the inside.  There have been times since Saturday that I've wanted to go to war and strike the final blow, but I know God has taught me better.  If vengeance has to be served, then He'll do it.  This situation is out of my hands.  I am finding myself beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I believe one soon I'll be happy again.

Coping with neglect

Update:  I'm doing much better.  Last night I hung out with new people for the first time.  One person in particular that I truly had a "connection" with in terms of my view of life & friendship.  I still kind of have my guard up because I don't want to be hurt again.  And I don't want to jinx anything, but I have never felt more understood than I am right now.  I've bared myself before this person, scars and all.  I have wounds that are still healing, in the mean time I am going to give it my all to live on & forgive.  It's a constant reminder to myself to not give up on all people because of one person taking advantage of me.  I'm still looking forward to having some time away to think and relax.  I've already begun to see God's purpose in all this.  And I know it's for the best.  It has not been the easiest week of my life, but I'm hanging on and doing what is "right", even if it is hard.

Quest for freedom

It's an emotional roller-coaster, one day I feel like I can live on through anything, then I feel like I'm a worthless sap who has the strength of a kitten.  I can be bold and honest with everyone right now and say my life is in shambles.  I know some people don't understand where I'm at, sometimes I don't even think I understand.  Abandonment effects us all differently.  I know that with the love and help of my few friends I can survive.  Above that, if they all decide to abandon me tomorrow I know with God I can survive this battle.  Though it hurts, so deep that I feel a physical pain each time I think of the situation I know I'll be OK.  I feel as though I'm making progress.  Very slow progress.  I have met a couple of great people who seem to really get my vibe and care about the same values in life as myself.  But if there's one thing I've learned from this experience that is ANYONE can put on an act.  Then without warning just leave you high and dry.  And have a good laugh while doing so.  With the assistance of some medication I've felt much better than I did last week when the "final" blow took place.  But I know medicine isn't the answer.  I'm going to take some time off and go away for awhile to gather myself and seek a professional opinion as to how I can move on without anger and vengeance in mind.  I was skeptical of what people would think if they knew I was seeing a therapist, but the good news is I don't care.  I've got to do what is best for me and do what will help me continue to be a contribution to the world.  I haven't given it just yet, so don't count me out.

WRITE ME OFF --but I'll keep thriving

This weekend took a toll on me.  But I am more thankful for the brutal reality I was faced with.  I can even say I'm ashamed of the humiliation that came with it.  Maybe I deserved it.  It was to humble me??? Or at least that's what I'm saying to rationalize the maliciousness that the person intended just for me.  It's so easy to say you're done with someone, but it's much harder when they have a part in your life.  When the person is not just one of your "superficial friends", you can be hurt deeply by some of the things they do.  Trying to work things out doesn't seem to be what I'm supposed to do and I know that now.  I know I've said it time and time again I'm moving on past it.  Emotionally it's taken everything in me.  I'm not sure if the emotional exhaustion has caused me to "shut down" or just block it out.  But I don't feel any anger for how I was treated.  I know it's kinda odd, or maybe it's just the peace of knowing it's time for it to end.  I'm counting my blessings, I came out of the situation alive, sane, & with my dignity of knowing I gave it my all.  So here I am, before everyone,  flaws and all, saying HERE I AM. Take me or leave me. I'll survive.

I went to talk all of this over with my psychologist (who I consider one of my few true friends).  Having someone understand and relate to the pain of neglect and abandonment helped me.  I pray that the strength I feel now continues to embody my mind when I am tempted to get weak and give in.  Maybe this is the way it was meant to be.  I am still a little torn, because God has placed some new truly lovable, fun, caring people in my life.  People who share the same values as me --like minds.  But when I feel things are getting close I immediately revert back to this on-going situation.  Will they use me too, then leave me?  Surely they must have some motive.  Well what if I do give them a chance and find out they're not who I thought they were?  The thoughts are endless.  It's a fear.  I don't want to get hurt like this again, but I don't want to carry around my little bag of side effects and ruin potentially good friendships.  So I say I'M NOT GIVING UP so don't count me.  If these new people turn out to be individuals I shouldn't be around I'm going to trust God to reveal it to me and carry me on.

Through all of this, I have come to see that I've invested too much time into being friends with almost everyone.  I'm sure things will said about me having a break down, but oh well, people will talk.  I prefer to think of it as a breakthrough, on the quest to find my sanity & peace.  But I am writing a lot of "friends" off.  To them it'll be as though I disappeared off the face of this planet.  I've died.

But I know somehow I'll be OK.

There's someone bigger than me

With each day that passes things are getting better and better. They're not perfect, but I know as long as I'm alive things will never be perfect. All I can really do is seek peace in every circumstance that comes my way. A major problem for me is always feeling the need to be my own problem solver. Some problems are just too big for me to even begin to attempt to know how to solve them. I've seen time and time again, when I give up trying to be my own protector, He shows up and lifts me above all the mountains I tried climbing on my own. Last night I got a good nights sleep for the first time in awhile. Earlier during the evening I found myself stressing about money and how to fix some other problems, when I realized that all my worrying wasn't going produce any instant results. I know everything that is going on right now has to have some purpose. So I'm leaving it all in Gods hands, He'll take care of me.

Today was a great day at work.  I honestly felt like I had a little more on me than I could handle, but I kept in mind that everyday is a test and my attitude plays a big part in my passing or failing.  All of my clients today seemed to be in a grateful mood --which is unheard of.  One of them even brought a gift to the hospital and wrote a really nice letter of appreciation for the care I provided for their pet.  That truly made my day.  When you do what you love for a living, to have someone recognize your heart & effort is unparalleled on all levels.  I know that for all the worst and all the best I am blessed.  Everything is going to be work out in my favor.

A week of learning

This week has been trying at best.  Despite all that's going on, I am going to keep a positive outlook.  I'm sure somewhere below the surface of things, I've come to this point for a reason.  There's got to be a meaning behind it all.  More than anything this week, I've re-learned the importance of doing what's right.  No matter how hard it is to admit you're wrong, it brings about a sense of peace to accept the truth.  It's often more difficult to accept the truth about ourselves.  I am more than happy this week is over, but all in all I'm taking the lessons learned and moving on.  Forgiveness is powerful.

Exhausted

Another day huh? Today has been a pretty good day. Very busy with work of course. I didn't really have time to think of the current things that have been vexing me. That is one reason why I loved being consumed with work, things get so busy you have to remind yourself to breathe. I did have lunch with Tracy & Mrs. Betty today. I feel really awful, because I think I came across a little rude. This is one of my closests friends, who is down from New York for a few weeks. She repeatedly said that "something is wrong" cause I wasn't being myself, or the Antonio that she's known all these years. I honestly wanted to say I'm not even sure of who I am anymore. Or at least that's how it feels. I truly regret letting everything I've been dealing with to play into how I treated her. But I just didn't have it in me to be social, as pathetic as that sounds. I'm just exhausted. Run down from exhaustion. I'm not one for giving up without a fight, but I'm feeling like I've fought and fought and I'm in a losing battle. Defeat stinks. But what more can I do? It takes at least two people to make anything work. And at this point all that keeps ringing in my mind is "just let it die, with no goodbye's."

I blame you

I'm learning that sometimes the end of a thing can be a blessing. At the end of my life I want to know that I did what I felt was right. No matter what others have to say. Over the last couple of days I've given some thought to how I handled myself Saturday. It really wasn't something I am proud of. I did feel compelled to make amends for my childish behavior. So I contacted the person to apologize for all the things I did wrong. At the time I kind of felt like maybe the friendship could be saved. But after talking tonight, I see that they're only interested in blaming their personal problems on me. And that's a lot for me to chew on, being that I had no idea I was making them "lean" one way or the other. I think everyone has a free choice and will to do as they please. I've decided I don't want to be "friends" with someone who is going to put the burden of blame on me for decisions they've made.


Sometimes it's better to just move on and accept it'll never be the same.

The end

Where do I begin?  I can't even know what to say or how to say it.  Well I can say that right now I'm overrun with a conglomerate of emotions --freedom, imprisonment, love, hate, happiness, sadness, peace, rage, joy, pain, guilt, pride, and confusion.  Yesterday was without a doubt the best and worst day of my life.  So many things took place so fast, that I don't think I've begun to understand them.  It was like an outer body experience.  Watching myself and not being able to stop myself from saying and doing things.  I honestly allowed my hurt and anger to take center stage in my decision making.  In retrospect it wasn't the wisest decision I could have made, but at the same time I felt as though I was being freed from a lot of unnecessary stress.  Stress I've been carrying around with me for a few years now.

Yesterday I ended one of my best friendships.  Or what I had been somehow convinced was one of my best friendships.  It was something that was bound to happen.  It had been coming for a few months, but I chose to ignore the reality of the situation.  I was being used for mere entertainment.  I must admit that Teckie told me about four years ago that this person wasn't healthy for me to be around, but me being Mr. know-it-all chose not to heed her warning.  Often times the ones who truly care for us can see elements that we're just blind to.  I wish so bad that I had listened all those years ago.  It would have saved me a lot of personal pain & embarrassment.  

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust a person or group of people again.  Not only did I have to end a friendship with one person, but with their entire family.  I think that's what is bothering me.  There were casualties, people who should have never been caught up in the cross fire.  I barely got an hour of sleep last night because it was all I could think of.  I know I can pick up the pieces and live on.  I've survived before.  I'm still here, aren't I?  I'm not saying it'll be easy.  Even though this person was one of the unhealthiest people I could have ever met, I still allowed them to become part of my life.  And sad as it is, even people like that mean something, and you can't just forget them.  Though I'm sure I've been forgotten by this person, since they never cared to begin with.  Funny how what we run from in order to keep "peace" always catches up with us huh?

anytime you need a friend

It's hard to believe that July is here already.  I swear yesterday was the end of May.  But whatever, I'm thankful to have survived another month in this crazy Alabama heat.  Though I have a strong feeling that the worst is yet to come!  Next month my life long best friend is getting married.  Teckie & I go back as far as I care to remember.  I credit her for helping me survive those insanely crazy high school years.  I'm overwhelmed with joy for everything going on in her life right now.  You know there's got to be a God when He sends people like her into your life.  I admire the honesty & integrity she's always upheld, even when we were teenagers.  Consistency, consistency, consistency!  How rare is it to find a person that is true through and through???  There's a never ending case of the fake people, but it feels good knowing there's someone else who lives & believes like you do.  We were probably the only teenagers I knew (at the time) that cared to enough to go out and promote the ONE campaign and ending world hunger & AIDS.  And it's a fight I'm sure we'll both continue to fight until we go home to meet the Lord.  I don't think I know a more direct person in my life.  I know if I need someone to give me the hard hitting in-your-face truth, I can call her up for a beating :)  A lot of friendships wouldn't be able to take the blunt, direct, unbridled truth we dish out to one another.  I'm truly thankful for our friendship, it has only gotten better & closer with each year that passes.  It shows that distance and insanity of schedules can't break a real friendship.  We're both busier than we've EVER been in our entire lives --taking five minutes to breath is almost impossible, yet we've still kept communication a top priority.  When I have my down days and I feel like no one cares or understands me I remind myself that there is one other person who (kinda) gets me and that's enough for me.  Let's all give God a smile for sending us life long friends!  I'd added a few pics, just kinda show us through the years.

Crazy clones!

Lindsay & Andre3000 must be stopped! Crazies on every corner! No one rocks the "mocs" like I.