As I prepare for this years end, I can't help but reflect on all that has taken place this year. Funny to think, but 4 months ago was probably the bleakest my life has every been. Desolate and alone, abandoned by two people whom I loved and still love with all my heart. Unable to enter new friendships because of the side effects left from previous ones. I really thought I'd reached the end. I mean once those people you completely trust turn on you, who can you really trust from that point? But really I am so thankful that I don't have a give up spirit. Call me a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. Now in retrospect, I am more than grateful to God for seeing me through every hurdle that was presented to me this year. Through it all, I learned that deep down inside there was still something...a part of me...if only a tiny fragment left of who I am. Antonio. There was a hope that still resided, deep below the surface. A glimmer of hope. I had to go on a digging expedition to find it. But there was still something inside, telling me if you just hold on, justice will be served...everything will come full circle.
From the ashes of the friendships 'lost', has risen much stronger, deeper, more passionate friendships than before. I've only remained close to a few friends since the realization that people aren't what you think they are. The remaining friendships are better than I ever would have dreamed. Along the way I've encountered and formed bonds with new intriguing people. People that are stunning. For the first time in my life I've felt that security I've longed for. Security in being me. I've always suffered from black sheep syndrome. It seems as though everywhere I go, I am an outcast...the outsider; something I've grown accustomed to, seclusion. I've always believed that love prevails over all things. Not many people have shared this view with me; in that ostracism I've found strength in being myself. At times I've come across as apathetic, and I know this. All along it was more of a guise to cope with neglect. Neglected needs. Now I'm going to focus on those needs because it feels so good to be alive and happy for once in life. True happiness. Let people say and do what they want to me, but I will never allow ice to sheath around my heart.
No matter how bad things may have gotten for me this year, I am taking some truly valuable and priceless lessons into 2009. Pressing in and pressing on, never giving up.
"I find somewhere deep inside, someone strong still resides...and I know I'm gonna be fine"
-M. Carey
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