Keeping my head above the water

Things have been going good this week.  I'm still gripping to the hope that this year will be better than the last for me.  Funny though, this year started out rough.  Co-workers being fired, some quitting, overload of work, etc.  Doesn't it tend to always go that way?  You make plans for peace & serenity; at that exact point in time the storms decide to rear their heads and with all their might, they attempt to blow you away.  Funny thing, how life works.  Let's thank God for therapy.  If it weren't for that, I'm sure having to work with some of the people I work with would officially send me off the deep end.  But whatever, like I said thank God for therapy.

My session Monday was special for me, because I got the chance to stop and look at how much I've grown since starting in September.  All those 'issues' are practically non-existent anymore.  So many people have been left behind during this whole process.  That has been something that I've noticed, when you stop caring what everyone will think, you start to enjoy life.  Who cares what people think???  Just be you!  Whoever that may be.  I used to think that I knew myself, but I was wrong.  I only knew small scattered fragments of the person I am.  Now in putting together all the pieces I have only just begun to see the person I am.  A person with a lot of hurt, accessorized by an extreme load of baggage.  A damaged person; deeply scared from pain of the past.  Mistakes I made have been lingering and hovering over me.  A person with a lot of love to give.  A person who desires to be happy and free.  I do believe one day that I will be able to write a blog in which I can say the bitter taste of resentment, blame, & neglect are gone and done with.  Until then, I will continue to press toward that mark of restoration and enjoy the life I have.  I can't lie, though I have down days my life is a good one.  It keeps getting better.

Insomnia

It's just a little past midnight, 12:34 to be exact. I have to be up and ready for work in about 5 hours, but I can't sleep. I'm wired; wide awake with what looks like no chance of actually falling asleep anytime soon. From the looks of it, one could assume I'm on a coffee high. Nope, I just can't sleep. Insomniac. Yep that's me. I'm a little anxious about this week at work, perhaps that is playing a part in the insomnia party I'm attending right now. Wondering how will I make it through another week of being under staffed, yet still trying to maintain a good quality service hopsital. Along with healthcare for animals, we have to enter each room with a smile on our faces and spend quality time with the clients as well as their pets. I don't complain about it often, because I love meeting people and enteracting with them. Lately I've been so pressed for time, I can't help but think alright granny put a sock in it, I'm here to help your pet. I don't care about your life story. Those kinds of thoughts are not in my natural nature. So this not having enough workers is starting to effect me mentally. This burden isn't solely on me, but us as a group; the remaining few. One thing that will make this week easier than the last is for us all to leave our attitudes at the door. If there's one thing I hate in this world, it's working with someone who has a poor attitude. It causes a hostile work environment. I'll be the first to admit that when I'm affected by hostility in the work place, I only make things worse. Sometimes even I wonder how I can come packed with so much attitude, sarcasism, & negativity. Hmm, perhaps that's what I should talk to my therapist about tomorrow: working under pressure.

Friday, Saturday, & Sunday...pheww, it's over!

Been so busy with work, work, and more work that I haven't had time to write as much as I've wanted to.  There hasn't been much going on since Banfield is holding me hostage ;)  But whatever, I think I'll just do a weekend wrap up.

Friday- My entire day consisted of working and trying to pay bills online between appointments.  I also decided to order myself a new phone (the Samsung Omnia).  I spent the last two weeks trying to figure out if I should buy this phone.  I didn't really need a new one, I wanted a new one!  Then Verizon sent me this special upgrade offer, so I thought this must be God telling me to buy this phone.  Perhaps it was a coincident.  Take your pick.  The offer was only valid through January 27th (see that's how they get you --'limited time only: ACT NOW!' specials).  Less than 24 hours after making my order I felt so grateful that I decided to 'ACT NOW'....

Saturday- While at work everyday I use the calculator in my phone.  It's essential (for me).  I have to calculate medicine dosages, pulse & heart rates, etcetera.  Saturday while I'm doing my daily routine, without thinking twice I go to use my calculator. Well my phone decides it's going to do what it wants.  Long story short, the phone refused to send text messages, or allow me to use the calculator, nor would it let me answer when I received a call.  I had someone take it Verizon for me.  When I picked it up a few hours later I was told that basically they would need to give me a new phone(the same exact kind).  Which would cost me $50.00  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  Really Verizon, are you kidding me?  So naturally I told them "uh no, give me my old phone back".  Is there really a point in buying a new phone, when I have one on the way?  So whatever, I'm keeping the crappy phone until Tuesday.  As far as work goes, Saturday was hellacious!  I thought I'd never get out of there.  I love working everyday, but I'm thinking it'll soon be time for another vacation, in a last ditch attempt to save myself from insanity :)

Sunday- I got to sleep in a little.  I've been spending all my time today at home with my dogs.  It feels so great to have be able to come home to them after having a stressful weekend.  Greeted with yapping, warm kisses, & smiles. 

Oh yeah, I thought I'd share this bulletin that was posted by one of my friends on myspace.  All the reasons why gay marriage is wrong.

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.




2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.




3)Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.




4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.




5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.




6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.




7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.




8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours,the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.




9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.




10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

sarcasm at it's finest :)

Thank God for a new day!

So how about that Inauguration today?!!?!?! Phenomenal right? I am amazed at how far our world has come, especially America. I mean come on, let's be real we have Barack Obama as our nations leader!!! How amazing is that?!? Just think 40 years ago the dream seemed distant, far-fetched, and impossible. Heck, just 4 years ago, the dream seem unattainable. The Lord himself said that one day "the last shall be first"! The fact that more than enough people in our great nation were able to look beyond the color of a persons skin, to give a black man the fair chance of leading this nation makes my heart sing with joy! I'm starting to really believe that line 'we shall overcome'. It invokes a new faith in greater possibilities. Barack Obama does just that...invokes the belief that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! That's a quality a leader must have (in my opinion). If you can't be that spark to influence a nation to embrace change & unity, then you're just another average joe, and the job of President isn't for you.

Seeing President Barack Obama up on that platform today being sworn in gave me chill bumps, literally. I thought Lord this is no longer a dream, it's reality! Hallelujah! I believe this is the change our country needs in order to PROGRESS and go forward. Hearing his speech was another chill bump moment. Love him or hate him, we all have to admit that he reeks of intelligence, sophistication, & charisma. Was that speech not one of a true leader? A man of great faith! I believe that he's going to be a terrific President, though he has a mountain of obstacles against him. He'll be judged of course because he's black, he'll be judged for how he handles the current mess he was left to fix, & he'll be strongly judged for his new, fresh, & creative ideas. Come what may, this is the man for the job, and I believe he's going to be do great :)

There's nothing better

Honestly when do you reach the point where you draw the line??? Say enough is enough??? I feel like 'this room' is beginning to shrink in size. Some of the things of the past are trying to work their way back into my life and deprive of the vital necessities that I need in order to go through life. Peace being the main one. Once you've experienced it you realize nothing compares to it. A lot of 'problems' or 'issues' that would once seem vexing in the past just don't seem to register on that scale of importance when there's peace in your life. I want to continue wading in the waters of serenity, letting the waves of tranquility wash over me. Ah, there is nothing better. When you're able to say and firmly believe that no matter who likes me I'll make it. No matter who has hurt me I'll make it. When you can stand up and say if the world hates me I'll still make it. If all of my friends forsake me I'll make it; if they do care I'll make it, if they don't care I'll make it. If I'm loved I'll make it, if I'm not loved I'll make it. I can make it through rejection. I can make it through abandonment. I can make it through humiliation. I can make it through negative judgement. If I am in the room with 'everyone' else I'll make it, if I'm in the room alone I'll make it. If you approve of me I'll make it, if you don't I'll make it, because I have that inner peace of not depending on people or things to keep me happy. That's where my life has been since the summer of 2008, and that's where I want it to remain and grow.

With that said, I only reached that level by sifting through my life with a fine tooth comb. Threading out all the toxins from unhealthy relationships. I am guilty of allowing myself to keep the connection open with someone whom I can't trust. Trust is not a word I can associate with this person. If I'm going to have friends in my life I want to be able to trust them, admire them, think highly of them. Otherwise why bother? Here I am today though, trying to stand strong and refusing to relive the past. Yet still holding on to the distant glimmer of hope that this person will someday realize how much I tried.

Days like this

This week at work it's been impossible not to notice that Marlee is no longer at Banfield with me. Monday was the most frustrating; loads of appointments, surgeries, & admitted patients to treat. With a minimal staff, the crush of too much work and too little people was overwhelming at best. Luckily Tuesday was a little slower, and also I came to work with the mindset of there's no one else here to help, so figure it out without going insane. I think talking to myself and doing some prepping always helps me to not stress as much in do or die situations. Today wasn't bad at all, the doctor was actually on her A game, appointments were scheduled appropriately to coincide with the surgery schedule. No use in fooling myself, most days won't be like this but for now I'm going to be happy that I made it through the day.

you+me=friends

Wow, it's days like today that make me extremely happy that I've made some changes in the last year.  Necessary changes.  Giving up co-dependence has been one of the changes that has most improved my existence.  Once I gave up the need to feel needed, to feel loved, to feel wanted I found a new layer of freedom and independence;  an independence built up solid ground.  People are great to have in your life, friends are even better.  However, giving too much of yourself and getting little or nothing in return isn't acceptable practices in friendship for me anymore.  That is something I gave up and NEVER intend to do again.  I pray that I never lose the understanding of love and compassion a friend should always have for another friend.  I'm burnt, but not bitter.

When I go to bed at night I sleep with ease.  There's no more longing to feel acceptance from anyone.  I have an inner peace that only comes from growth.  Growth is stimulated by realization; facing the facts.  We all have lives, some busier than others.  When you travel from a distance and make no time to see me for at least a simple 5 minutes within a month, then I say it's your loss friend.  Once upon a time I would have gone all out of my way to MAKE this fellowship between friends take place.  Like I said, thankfully some changes have taken place.

animals don't have feelings

I can't sleep. I can't even think of sleeping right now. My heart has been aching; weighed down by a tragic sadness. I'm no fool, I understand that what's weighing on me can't be fixed by me alone, nor can it be fixed tonight, or this year even. Yesterday as I was driving to work, I thought of all the abused and abandoned pets I pass weekly as I travel; each with their own story. It feels me with this deep sadness that I can't even put into words. A sadness that only grows as I find myself feeling more and more powerless. I work with many of these kind of pets only a weekly basis. Week in and week out, I try to remind myself you can't save them all. I've had a number of people tell me that, and I do understand that I won't be able to save every homeless pet in the world. Like I said I know this can't be fixed in one year or two even.

It's my belief that entirely too many people turn a blind eye to animal abuse. I know there are people out there that just aren't 'dog' or 'cat' people, it's completey understandable; different strokes for different folks. But to NOT report animal abuse is uncomprehendable. I've said before that I refuse to try to understand abusing an animal. There's no point in trying to understand it. No answer will suffice. As the (mentally) 'stronger' vessel, we as a human race tend to neglect the 'feelings' of these living, breathing creatures. That truly saddens me. HOW can you look at a dog or cat and really think they don't 'feel'. Sure, they don't understand ever word that comes out of our mouths, but they do understand kicking, burning, depriving them of food, etc. and that has to make them FEEL unloved, unwanted, NEGLECTED. Report any and all animal abuse! How can people not understand that it's wrong?!?!?? This is not a subject for debate. It's wrong! Failing to report a person abusing an animal is wrong, wrong, wrong!!!

I am in the process of working on a abuse/neglect animal project to help get people involved in animal rights advocacy. I looked through hundreds of pictures tonight, as I compile the images I'll need. The site brings me to tears literally. It's almost as though I've reverted back to a helpless infant, I can't stop river of tears as I sift through the photos. HOW CAN SO MANY OF US JUST NOT CARE! It blows my mind that people see these things daily, and still have the gaul to say animals don't have feelings. Complete bullshit!

Someday...

Do you ever have one of those random (and I do mean random) moments when you're just inspired to STOP and THINK??? Ok, so tonight I've encountered one of those moments. For what reason or reasons I don't know. The future has been weighing on me, more than usual. Naturally I'm not one to worry about the future very much. I'd rather take advantage of the NOW...today....this moment. That's not to say I don't ever think of the future or what my next move will be. For about the last 6 months I've made my mind up that I want to move to New York; the place where I belong. I can't explain it, but I know that's where my home is. I'll admit that it's very scary to think of all I have ahead of me over the next year or so in my preparation. There's something inside me that says "you're home" when I go there or even when I think of that incredible immaculate city. Along with the lingering thoughts of my impending move, comes the thoughts of love. Thinking of it gives me a chill. Love in my personal life isn't something I think of or ever address. I've just been having fun and not really considering the odds of love. It's always been a bit of a joke for me. It's not that I'm running from it or don't want to find it, I'm just not sure if it's in the cards for me. Ok, granted that I'm only 24 years old, it's still a logical concern right? Love is something that I've grown to not think of or even consider for my personal life. Someone loving me for me...forever; through thick and thin, ups and downs. That's deep. Deeper than my mind wants to go. Someday will the time come when I'll grow tired of the fun and games??? I've been told it's bound to happen, but what if it doesn't. I don't feel God has the same plan for all of us. Some people are meant to fall in love, get married, & having kids --the story book American dream. Call me odd, but that has never been a dream of mine. My dream has always been to live alone in a big city, have my dogs, & a few select friends to socialize with. Perhaps I don't feel that personal love is all that important (for my life) because I never saw it growing up and learned early on that people who say they 'love' you often say it out of obligation, but don't really mean it. Like I said, the whole thought is scary. Having to share my life with someone. To give myself to someone, to completely allow someone into my heart on such a personal level. So far I've done a pretty good job of protecting myself from being hurt by 'love'. Though I must admit I came close to losing my grip on blocking out love this past summer. In the process of finding me, I let that guard down. Perhaps that was a mistake. Or maybe not. Either way, I don't think that would have been the time to allow anyone in on such an intimate place in my heart. I knew I was vulnerable, and all I wanted to do was have fun and meet new people. I am still so grateful that I did meet the people I met. I have found some amazing like-minded friends to share my life with. But still will there be someday when I'll release myself from this self-made prison to freely see the world of love the way I should --untainted, unscathed; lying there in its natural beauty. Waiting for me to revel in its astonishing warmth and tenderness. Maybe all of this is meant to take place once I'm home in New York. Or maybe not. At times I want to erase my memory. The scars, the pain, the neglect of my life growing up seems to haunt me. But I refuse to ask "why me" anymore. There's no need in blaming those who neglected to show me proper love. Perhaps no one ever showed them, who knows. Perhaps it's best to just forget about that, one day I'll forget them and it won't matter. I still believe that everything happens to lead us to the place we're supposed to be in the end.

Someday I'll be home

No matter if I'm alone

Someday I'll be happy

I know you don't really see my world

Someday someone's going to love me

The way I wanted you to love me

One day I'll forget about you

Someday I know someone's going to be there...

side profile=ekkk!

Ok, let me just say that Grey's Anatomy has got to be one of the best medical shows ever created. I am completely addicted to the show. Now that I have all four seasons on DVD, it has become my little side project --reliving all the past moments. That's what my afternoon has consisted of.

This morning I went to pose for an art show. I've never attempted something as bold as this before; bearing all my flaws before a group of strangers to draw/sketch/paint. But what is life if you don't experience new things right??? I'll be the first to tell you that I am very insecure about my body. I absolutely hate being photographed from my left side, and I'm not crazy about my right side. I have a really awful side profile. This is a fact that I can accept. So to have people standing/sitting to my left & right while I posed was very intimidating at first. I even thought of pulling a "Mariah moment", and having everyone only view me from my 'good angle'. But you know what, I'm working on not being so insecure with my physical appearance, so I figured what the hell let's go for it. How can you get over an insecurity if you don't face it??? It was an interesting and fun experience once I loosened up. I was amazed to see some of the finished products. I am a huge fan of the arts --always have been, and now I have even more respect for artists. You have to have a real desire and passion to be a true artist, of any kind.

Happy new year!

Happy new year!  Thank God I've made it to see another year!  May it only get better and better, right???  There's something about being about to start over from scratch and give it another try.  I am looking forward to learning from my mistakes and letting the party carry on into 2009.  I was able to cut out some people/things that I didn't need to drag into another year of my life.  No matter how bad things seemed last year or even just a few days ago, I'm not going to worry.  What will be, will be!  I feel as though my focus is set for the new year.  The last few months of 2008 kick started my new life, my new desire to embrace happiness, and my new willingness to seek peace, peace, & more peace!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!