Someday...

Do you ever have one of those random (and I do mean random) moments when you're just inspired to STOP and THINK??? Ok, so tonight I've encountered one of those moments. For what reason or reasons I don't know. The future has been weighing on me, more than usual. Naturally I'm not one to worry about the future very much. I'd rather take advantage of the NOW...today....this moment. That's not to say I don't ever think of the future or what my next move will be. For about the last 6 months I've made my mind up that I want to move to New York; the place where I belong. I can't explain it, but I know that's where my home is. I'll admit that it's very scary to think of all I have ahead of me over the next year or so in my preparation. There's something inside me that says "you're home" when I go there or even when I think of that incredible immaculate city. Along with the lingering thoughts of my impending move, comes the thoughts of love. Thinking of it gives me a chill. Love in my personal life isn't something I think of or ever address. I've just been having fun and not really considering the odds of love. It's always been a bit of a joke for me. It's not that I'm running from it or don't want to find it, I'm just not sure if it's in the cards for me. Ok, granted that I'm only 24 years old, it's still a logical concern right? Love is something that I've grown to not think of or even consider for my personal life. Someone loving me for me...forever; through thick and thin, ups and downs. That's deep. Deeper than my mind wants to go. Someday will the time come when I'll grow tired of the fun and games??? I've been told it's bound to happen, but what if it doesn't. I don't feel God has the same plan for all of us. Some people are meant to fall in love, get married, & having kids --the story book American dream. Call me odd, but that has never been a dream of mine. My dream has always been to live alone in a big city, have my dogs, & a few select friends to socialize with. Perhaps I don't feel that personal love is all that important (for my life) because I never saw it growing up and learned early on that people who say they 'love' you often say it out of obligation, but don't really mean it. Like I said, the whole thought is scary. Having to share my life with someone. To give myself to someone, to completely allow someone into my heart on such a personal level. So far I've done a pretty good job of protecting myself from being hurt by 'love'. Though I must admit I came close to losing my grip on blocking out love this past summer. In the process of finding me, I let that guard down. Perhaps that was a mistake. Or maybe not. Either way, I don't think that would have been the time to allow anyone in on such an intimate place in my heart. I knew I was vulnerable, and all I wanted to do was have fun and meet new people. I am still so grateful that I did meet the people I met. I have found some amazing like-minded friends to share my life with. But still will there be someday when I'll release myself from this self-made prison to freely see the world of love the way I should --untainted, unscathed; lying there in its natural beauty. Waiting for me to revel in its astonishing warmth and tenderness. Maybe all of this is meant to take place once I'm home in New York. Or maybe not. At times I want to erase my memory. The scars, the pain, the neglect of my life growing up seems to haunt me. But I refuse to ask "why me" anymore. There's no need in blaming those who neglected to show me proper love. Perhaps no one ever showed them, who knows. Perhaps it's best to just forget about that, one day I'll forget them and it won't matter. I still believe that everything happens to lead us to the place we're supposed to be in the end.

Someday I'll be home

No matter if I'm alone

Someday I'll be happy

I know you don't really see my world

Someday someone's going to love me

The way I wanted you to love me

One day I'll forget about you

Someday I know someone's going to be there...