Gibby

Today has been the most restful day I've had in months. I had the entire day off! I've spent all day with my dogs. Sometimes I feel like they think I've neglected them because of all the time I spend at work with other animals. So I made today all about them. Now we've all winded down and I'm watching Rent (one of my favorite musicals). Gibby (my York) is beside me, resting on her favorite pillow. I thank the Lord for her. Gibby is the personification of "man's best friend." Last April she unexpectedly came into my life when one of my clients could no longer keep her. She's always with me, even if I walk from the computer to the bathroom. Her being my shadow used to annoy me, but now I see it differently. I think she is a blessing from God Himself! From the very first day I brought her home she immediately found her place in the pack. My other 3 kids too her without a problem. Well all except Maddie, but of course that's no surprise haha.

With you I'm born again

Life is strange at times. To care about someone so deeply when all I'd like to do is forget the person. I can't understand it. My heart sinks into the abyss...slowing becoming one with the depths of loneliness ignited by the bittersweet thoughts of the irony. How did the two of us ever cross paths? How did we ever form a friendship? Why did it end? Is there anything I could have done differently? The questions gnaw away at my soul ripping away chunks of flesh. Leaving me in an agonizing pain that is almost impossible to hide anymore; exposing bare the hollow walls of the emptiness I feel without you. I found a best friend in my enemy. No one could understand it. I admit the idea of "us" was unfathomable to me as well. All I know is it felt so right; effortlessly stepping in sync. I know life is full of 'seasons'; things intended to help us, to heal us, to teach us, to mold us, to enlighten us --making a foundation for our next step. I've gone through a lot of seasons. What do I do when it's something that I can't let go, no matter how I try? Trust me I've tried. I'm still trying. Is there something to be said for someone who refuses to leave your mind & heart? Maybe we weren't a season after all? All I know is that the memories survived and linger with me. I've met others and made new friends in the last few months, but none of them have been able to make me feel the same way. That unconditional love & friendship. That's so deep no one can understand it but the two of us. How great it felt to be supported and appreciated. I found it so hard to walk away from the one thing that's unyielding and sacred to me. Maybe I should have held on tighter when I felt you slipping away? The questions...oh they're endless.

I keep telling myself to just stop caring. If it's not meant to be then I pray that one day all care and concern for "us" will dissipate. Releasing me from this prison of anguish and confusion. I was warned by so many not to become involved. Perhaps they were right? I refuse to believe that they were right. They weren't there to understand the greatness I was exposed to. They couldn't possibly know you. I want to wake tomorrow morning and give up this fight. It's killing me inside.

the old me is dead and gone

Have you ever done something that you knew would be against your better judgement?  It's almost like when your mind tells you not to do it, something inside makes you want to do it even more.  Tonight I decided to go against what my mind lead me to do.  I was on facebook (the evil, evil social networking site), I was viewing the profile of an old friend.  While on her page I noticed one of my traitors left her a few comments talking about all she's been "dealing with" and how she's just so hurt, upset, yada yada (poor her).  Of course once I started reading I had to keep digging deeper and deeper; further infuriating myself (why oh why must I torture myself).  I read a blog she posted for everyone to see, basically praising herself for being this spectacular mom throughout the years, and how she's just been swung and hit with the mightiest of blows from life, or whatever.

Now a few things in particular made me a little hot under the collar.  First and foremost I find it unsettling that this person is being so self-righteous and having a pity party just because she knows all the "Christians" will attend and further sooth her already gigantic ego.  Of course by "Christian" I mean, the 21st century Christian.  Those that 'love you with the love of the Lord', until you step or think outside their box.  Then the message is pretty much screw you --we're too good for your kind.  You're not good enough for our group.  I know it all sounds like a cult, believe it or not Christianity was never intended to be this way.  But whatever, I'll let the biblical scholars debate that.  I was even more heated that this person refuses to accept the fact that there's no one to blame for her child's choices in life.  Everyone reaches a point in life when they do what they want, whether you like it or not.  Seriously placing partial blame on me is complete non sense and offensive.  Now this person continues to carry around her bible (so you know she's trying to handle things the 'Christian' way), and wearing her heart-broken face...attention hog, if you ask me.  Simply seeking sympathy.  I'm sure inside she's enjoying being the star of her own little reality show.  Don't look my way for any pity, I say grow a pair and get on with your life.

The thing that hurts the most is that this person and these people used to be a major part of my life.  Some of them were inspirations to me, heroic in my eyes.  People responsible for 'leading' me to the Lord.  People of whom were under the call of God to lead and guide others.  People of integrity, dignity, & (biblical) love.  People who were my 'family'.  Now because things have gotten a little rocky in the life of a select few individuals people are taking sides (though they'll never admit it).  Anyway, whoever thinks I am responsible for any decisions Meghan has made is mistaken.  Clearly you must not know me either, if this is in fact what you're thinking.  As far as Keisha is concerned my pity and sympathy ran out for her when her true colors were revealed.  When she stopped LOVING and starting JUDGING.  It's even more offensive that things are being said that put me in a position of blame.  And only one person has had the heart to talk to me about this.  It's only fair that I have the chance to defend my reputation.  

I feel better venting through my blog.  Now I am done with this madness.  There's no reputation to defend against that sad cynical group of colossal losers.  In their eyes I've gone too far "astray" for them to associate with.  Dead and gone.

Lesson of the night: listen to your first mind and stop before you piss yourself off!!!

I wish you well

I feel much better since my post about backstabbing 'friends'. I'm fine with the situation now. It still stinks to have someone lie on me. Now that I've had time to think about the situation, I'm not surprised by this persons careless actions towards me. She's doesn't exist in my world anymore. I ended our 'friendship' when I left the ever criticizing group of mentally unstable members of Faith Christian Center.

Getting involved with that group of 'Christians' nearly ended my life. It practically makes me want to vomit when I look back at how foolishly blind and manipulated I was during those years of trying to fit in with that group. Of course when you're never truly accepted you always feel like an outsider, even if you put on a front as though everything is fine. To be completely honest, those years felt like prison. I should have known better than to ever give Meghan a chance at friendship again. But whatever, it's all my fault. Bad judgement on my part....either way, I'm free from that group and will never become involved in a situation like again. I chose to turn away from everyone of them and for good reason. I can only wish them well from this point.

I know that I know
I have had God's help to this very day
And so I stand here and testify to small and great alike
So the more you curse me
The more you're blessing me
I wish you well...

here's to the week to come

So tomorrow I'll be back on the grinding work. Can I be honest and say I'm not looking forward to it! I just want ONE day off, please!

Please don't stab me with that big knife of yours

People who don't take responsibility for their own lives really bother me. People who use others as a scape goat for their life choices bothers me even more. I don't understand being so insecure with yourself that you can't man-up and take ownership of your decisions in life. Once again I've found myself under the glare of ridicule & blame, due to some cold-hearted ex-friend. The person who is unable to take the heat for their personal 'problem' has (in her sick and twisted mind) linked me to being a major contributor to these personal issues she's dealing with. I in no way consider this person a friend any longer. In fact we haven't been friends for awhile. This person is one of the many people that I chose to leave behind in 2008. All the same, it still makes me churn inside that I have to come under scrutiny when I in no way have any influence on the decisions that this person has made.

Of course this is not the first time I've had a situation like this come up. I think these sort of 'friends' see me as an easy target because of what I believe. My philosophy on how life should be lived in simple: Love people for who they are, support people, don't judge people. In essence I'm saying there's much bigger things for each of us to concern ourselves with other than anther's personal life, we're supposed to just love one another. God can be the judge of our lives, leave that part to Him. You don't have to agree with another persons life choices. And anther's life choices shouldn't be based on what will make you happy. I guess by not judging others and trying to support freedom of speech has backfired. In retrospect, I know I shouldn't be surprised. There's few people we can trust in our lives. Backstabbing is as common as cancer, it's everywhere.

Can't save them all

Words can't describe the week I've had.  Yesterday was by far one of the toughest I've had in awhile.  I saw one of the worst animal abuse cases I've ever come across in my life.  A dog very malnourished emaciated dog was brought in by the city of Dothan.  The original intent for bringing the dog is was to give it medical attention and hopefully save its life.  Unfortunately, the dog died within minutes of arriving to Banfield.  After examining the poor critter, my heart was filled with more sympathy for this dog.  Thinking of the life he must have endured at the hand of such cruel owners.  You know, I find more and more that I really don't get people.  There's no logic behind starving your pet.  An autopsy had to be performed on the dog to help the city prove that this was an animal abuse/neglect case.  I could count every bone in the dogs body.  You've heard the phrase you're nothing but skin and bones.  Well this dog was exactly that.  He literally had no muscle mass, he should have easily weighed 65 pounds, but because of being starved so severely he came in at rough 27 pounds.  Really, are you kidding me?!?!The dogs stomach was filled with sand and gravel.  We can only assume that he turned to eating whatever he could find within reach of the short heavy ass chain they had weighing on his neck.  It's heart breaking.  Especially when I stop and think of how pampered and spoiled my four are.  It's a brutal reminder that there's so many out there who have no idea what it's like to be loved.  I just don't understand people.  I could go on about the other medical conditions that contributed to this poor animals death, but it's a little much at this moment, right now.  I only hope and pray that Dothan City doesn't let me down with this one.  I want the people responsible for this to held in account for the death of their "family pet."

Spur of the moment

Yesterday I had a thought: I WANT A TATTOO. That's literally how it took place, the thought just popped in my head. Within 3 minutes my mind was made up. Then it was time to decide what I wanted to have forever inked on my skin...


While at work I polled a couple of my co-workers and a few clients (group participation is fun). My first idea was to go with an animal...what oh what kind of animal do I like that much? An animal that has deep meaning to me. Naturally everyone said I should get my Pomeranian Madison put on my shoulder. Are you kidding me???!!? That would be the cheesiest thing I could ever do. No, no, I want something big & bad! Ooo, I got it! A tiger???!!! Their big & beautiful cats, yet very powerful. Wait, what about an eagle??? I mean their kind of seen as a symbol of courage and strength. Sounds like me, right??? Then it hit me, what is something that I am deeply passionate about??? Other than animals, what cause would I devote my life to promoting??? Like a bolt of lightening it hit me! The ONE campaign --AIDS & famine relief!!! That's what I'll get, the red ribbon for AIDS awareness!

Going inside the tattoo parlor (is that the politically correct name) my stomach was in knots. Hearing one of the artists being referred to by what I can only hope is a tattoo related nick name, Skin Freak, I wanted to say forget this I'm going back to find my sanity. Seriously, Skin Freak is not an appealing nick name. But I couldn't leave. By that point I felt like I was on a mission, a quest, if you will. A quest for freedom. Freedom to continue expressing myself in the way I want.

Of course I got the tattoo. It's a red (AIDS awareness) ribbon with the word IN (spire) going through the ribbon. I don't regret getting it, though it was more pain that I bargained for. The meaning is important to me, I know for me it's one that will forever be IN my heart. Reaching out in love to those infected/dying from the AIDS virus & famine that come as it part of it's side effect. The AIDS/famine cause has INSPIRED me for many years, and it continues to as I grow older. The thought of the millions of children orphaned in this world because of this virus is sickening to me. I want to continue to be a 'spokesperson' for the cause, to INSPIRE people open their hearts. From that I firmly believe that people will then ASPIRE to be something bigger in this life. Each becoming a person that IMPACTS and spreads a message. There's something that all of our hearts are connected to, if we tune into that frail little voice inside. What issue tugs at your heart??? What is your life really about??? What INSPIRES you???

but Dr. Google told me...

Well, well, well what a day, what a day.  The day started out horrible.  9 AM, first client of the day accuses me (us --Banfield) of trying to kill his dog!  Seriously are you kidding me???  I mean you can accuse me of several things, but trying to harm an animal is just plain bullshit.  Excuse me, but this subject is touchy for me because I love my job.  I don't work with animals because I need the money, I do it for the love of the job.  So I have to go into the room with this idiot, and listen to his bullshit for about 30 minutes.  This 30 minutes consists of me being accused of being neglectful, heartless, dumb, and an assortment of other things.  Long story short this client brought his pet in for routine vaccines, then takes her home and leaves her in the backyard (unguarded) while he takes a two hour nap.  He wakes to see her face is swollen, hives all down her back, and "feverish ears".  So being the genius that he is, he turns to google to do some "research."  Are you kidding me???  Perhaps I'm being a little presumptuous, but wouldn't it make a hell of a lot more sense to contact a doctor???  During his online "research" he was informed by Dr. Google that his dog received too many vaccines (which I should have known better than to give), Dr. Google also told him that most dogs don't show signs of vaccine allergies until their around 2 years old (which isn't correct); so I should have been more thoughtful before giving so many vaccinations.  Then of course Dr. Google told this moron that death is common within the first 30 minutes to an hour when a vaccine reaction is taking place.  Lastly Dr. Google told him to give Benedryl --however Dr. Google neglected to give this dumbass any medication dosage information.  So gives a 40 lb dog a 12.5 mg Benedryl, yeah a lot of good that'll do wise ass.

After patiently listening to him rant and rave, I went over the clinical signs of a real vaccine reaction. Like for example that it is very uncommon that a dog over a year in age will have a reaction 5 hours after being vaccinated.  Perhaps his dog was stung or bitten by some sort of insect, since he admitted that he just left her outside for hours and didn't know the exact cause of the facial swelling.  Of course that only pissed him off more, because I was 'trying' to make him 'look neglectful'.  Whatever man, whatever!  It's called trying to inform your ignorant ass!  What can you do when someone refuses to learn?  Like talking to a brick wall.  Apparently under dosing his dog worked wonders, because today she showed no signs of a vaccine reaction.  Thank you Dr. Google, really thank you!

Before leaving this ray of sun shine gives me his history with Veterinarians.  Basically he informs me that all the ones he's seen are complete idiots and all of his dogs have died due to their neglect.  Of course he couldn't possibly be part of the problem, silly me to think such a thing!  I really wanted to suggest that he start taking all of his pets to Dr. Google for further treatment, but I resisted the urge.

Here's a toast to JACK ASS DAY! Hooray! 

think happy thoughts or at least try

Another draining day at work. Still no new hires to replace our vacant positions. The frustration is mounting. If a co-worker so much as breathes too hard I'm ready to attack. I feel like a lion waiting to pounce at any moment. I hate being on edge like this, I really do. The tension is there, no one can deny it. We have this routine of coming in to work, ignoring one another until we're absolutely forced to speak about work related things (patient care, treatment, etc.) It would make life a little easier for us all if we there were some other people to help lighten the work load. Each day before I enter those doors, I try to think of one positive thing to focus on....as the days linger the positivity is being sucked right out of me. For now I shall sleep on it, tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps it'll hold good news, who knows.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Today I watched What's Love Got To Do With It? The story of Tina Turner's life...her rise to fame, if you will. We all have a story to tell right? Well her's is one to be admired. Most people would have given up and given in before enduring the things she did. I know I probably would have ran for the hills, given the opportunity to foresee the future. But of course the winning factor for me in this story is that the under dog wins! You all know how I'm stuck on that whole passage of how "the last will be first."

The reality is, she probably could have left her abusive husband (Ike) much sooner --year's sooner. Odds are she would still have a very successful career. Like most manipulating, insecure bullies Ike gained control through her mind. He beat her self-esteem to a pulp; to a point in which she felt life couldn't be lived without him by her side. I still can't understand so often people like they 'need' a particular person in order to survivor. A lot of times if you're not careful, that 'protector' that you seek to embrace can be the most dangerous part of your life. I am convinced that once someone has mental control over you, then they have COMPLETE control. Despite what your physical abilities may be. It's all connected to your mind. It's in my opinion that so many abusive, draining relationships linger on for years and years, because one person has mental control over the other one (the weaker one) and isn't ready to let go. It's not 'love' or anything close to it.

Luckily for Tina after years of enduring violent beatings, rants, & raves from her manipulator, it clicked! She realized that deep down he was a coward. No one to be afraid of. It always brings a smile to my face when I see someone gain enough confidence in themselves to say "I can do this alone". Through going at it alone, she became bigger than ever before. She made a name for herself. Manipulation, control, abuse --really, what's love got to do with it?