December wrap up

Wow, this month has been so busy I've hardly had the time to blog!  Now that's just not acceptable.  The new year is only days away.  What a year it's been.  What a month it's been.  Me and my estranged friend over the past year, Augusta, mended our broken relationship.  I thank God for that.  Everything fell together in the right timing for us  to (unexpectedly) cross paths and talk.  In my heart I always prayed that something would happen to bring us together before this year ended.  So I'm very thankful that we are back together...thick as thieves!  I spent a lot of time preparing for my Christmas trip to New York City.  It was phenomenal!!!  Felt good to get away from Alabama, and experience some culture.  My desire to move there has multiplied 3,000 times over.  I feel more out of place every time I trek back to the south.  Not that it's a bad place, but it's not the place for me.  How amazing it is to be able to wear what you want, do what you want, and be accepted just for who you are.  That's my kind of place.

Last night I went out to celebrate my 24th birthday with some friends.  I can't help but think of all the blessings from this year.  Being with friends and people who I feel genuinely love and care about me makes me smile inside.  I can never forget the feeling of being unloved and ostracized for most of the year.  I was happy to spend my birthday with Stephanie & Cale, I consider them my saving grace.  My life has only gotten better since becoming friends with them.  Those are the kind of friendships I want to pursue in 2009.  I should be able to say "my life is better with you in it".  What's the point in having people in your life that only drain you of happiness???

Forgetting all the pain of '08...pressing on to face the wonders of 2009.

"but I won't give up tomorrow, cause I've come to life again" :)

Reflections

I had today off, most of which I've spent watching season two of House, on dvd. Doing nothing...ahhh, it feels so great sometimes. Only 29 days left in this year, and what a year it's been. The last few months have been the happiest of the year, but I can't forget all the tears I sowed in this year to reach this point of rejoicing. The journey was long and winding with many unexpected hurdles. I spent many nights angry, upset, confused, & alone begging God to take away the pain. Asking 'why' so many bad things had to happen.

The first half of the year was spent fighting to keep one of my childhood best friends in my life, little did I know she was already gone. It's hard to grapple with the realization that someone has abandoned you without warning. Especially when things seemed as perfect as could be. In my heart I still hold out hope that one day Augusta will return to my life and make me the happiest man alive. There's rarely a day that goes by that she's not on my mind at some point; I wonder how she's doing, is she okay, why did she leave me??? This year also taught me a priceless lesson: THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS. I had to set my mind on moving past the pain and exercise the simple act of forgiving. Calling forgiveness simple, is almost a joke in my opinion. If only it were that simple. How can you really forgive a 'friend' who betrays your trust, who shreds all decency from your friendship? A friend who takes part with your enemies in stripping you of your dignity & integrity? A friend who despises you enough to embarrass you & leave you heart broken in front of their 'new' and 'cooler' friends, honestly is it really a simple act to forgive those offenses??? Those scars are engraved so deep that no amount of plastic surgery could erase the pain they bore on me. The outward scars are nothing in comparison to the internal damage. The deep gashes and ridges within that people will never know of. Those are the ones where true forgiveness is practiced best. I'd like to add that those are the ones that make me fall on my knees and ask God to help me forgive and forgive and forgive until I can't forgive anymore, because I don't naturally want to. My mind says I'd rather get even with them; give them a taste of their own medicine. But through God, I've found a new understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't something we deserve or something we can earn. It's SIMPLE: we do it because He says to. At some point we all need forgiveness. I need it on a daily basis, that's for sure. Forgiveness is something to give free of charge, no payback necessary. It's a gift --so I'm going to give it freely with no strings. Oh God how I had to grasp that concept when it came to forgiving Bradley & Brent. I think they did everything possible to rob me of happiness in life. I am done trying to understand why they did the things they did, and why they had to use me in the process. I've done my part, the rest will be worked out between them and God.

If there is anything to be gained from the manipulation and hurt they bestowed upon me, it's better friendships. The two of them taught me a deeper lesson on friendship. I've had to cut some other people out of my life. Unhealthy friendships that were about using me. I've also had to open my heart to accept through forgiveness that God is allowing me to begin new friendships. How ironic is it, that in July I sat at home many nights feeling lonely, and thinking no one loved me, no one cared, all my 'friends' had left me for cooler people. You know the typical "whoa is me" party. Now here at the end of the year I have to schedule in 5 minutes to be alone, because I have gained even better friendships that are about fellowship and growing together. I know it's only because of God's grace on my life and walking it out with Him. For every time I was looked over, not invited, not included, He has returned those invites to me and multiplied them!

Just dance!

I danced until my feet were sore.  Until my legs felts like they were going to give way at any given moment.  And it felt GREAT! I danced...and I danced...and I danced.

Last night was great.  One of the best times I've had in awhile.  I went out and danced with some friends.  Dancing is such a great release.  The week was long, and sometimes stressful but I made it through.  My only weekend plans were to go home and curl up with a book.  As I was preparing to start a new book and my weekend of "rest" I got a call from two of my clients (well now their friends), asking if I wanted to go out.  That call was what I needed!  We ended up dancing the night away...that's the way I like to end a hard work week!

the message of peace lives on

As we approach the Day Of Compassion & World AIDS Day, I think of my ultimate hero Matty Stepanek.  Matty gives me hope when hope seems to be lost forever.  I find solace in knowing such magnificent minds have walked this earth and made peace their lifes message.  Through Matty's life my belief in peace on earth and goodwill to all men still lives on, despite the state of our world today.  It is easy to be influenced by the negativity we face today.  The lack of caring for one another has polluted the good nature of mankind.  And unfortunately it spreads like the plague.

Years ago, when I first heard of Matthew Joseph  Thaddeus Stepanek I was immediately taken aback.  I believe he was ten or eleven years old when I first heard of his story.  I was inspired by him choosing to see the glass as half full, always.  Matty suffered from a rare form of muscular dystrophy.   Dysautonomic Mitochondrial Myopathy.  Through his many 'close calls' with death, Matty continued to PRESS ON and spread his heart song of peace and love to the world.  A message that will never grow old.  I think of his life, his heart, and his dream of seeing the message of peace flow from human to human like a rapid ocean tide that no one can escape.  An ocean of peace that drowns everyone in its path.  Every year when the Day Of Compassion nears, Matty instantly comes to mind.  He lived for compassion.  It's something I want to embody, compassion.  I want all of us to be zealous for the simple act of compassion.  Like Matty, when my time comes to leave here, I too want to know that my life was one that inspired peace and compassion to those around me.  

In June 2004 'our guy', Matty could no longer fight his illness and went home to be with the Lord.  What a loss to the world; an advocate for peace.  Go online or to a local book store and read Matty's collection of poetry he wrote during his life.  Poetry that speaks of peace & hope.  It's inspiration is more profound than you can imagine.  The message is simple: PEACE.  One of my favorite quotes comes from Matty...think gently, speak gently, live gently.  Gives me chill bumps every time.  The simplicity of it, yet the power it contains.  

December 1st is World AIDS Day & the Day Of Compassion.  Go out and find someone to impact, or find something to take part in to show your heart --your real heart!  A heart of love and peace.  And may it live on within you day after day.

"Remember to play after every storm"

-Matty Stepanek

Every once in awhile

As I prepare for this years end, I can't help but reflect on all that has taken place this year. Funny to think, but 4 months ago was probably the bleakest my life has every been. Desolate and alone, abandoned by two people whom I loved and still love with all my heart. Unable to enter new friendships because of the side effects left from previous ones. I really thought I'd reached the end. I mean once those people you completely trust turn on you, who can you really trust from that point? But really I am so thankful that I don't have a give up spirit. Call me a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. Now in retrospect, I am more than grateful to God for seeing me through every hurdle that was presented to me this year. Through it all, I learned that deep down inside there was still something...a part of me...if only a tiny fragment left of who I am. Antonio. There was a hope that still resided, deep below the surface. A glimmer of hope. I had to go on a digging expedition to find it. But there was still something inside, telling me if you just hold on, justice will be served...everything will come full circle.

From the ashes of the friendships 'lost', has risen much stronger, deeper, more passionate friendships than before. I've only remained close to a few friends since the realization that people aren't what you think they are. The remaining friendships are better than I ever would have dreamed. Along the way I've encountered and formed bonds with new intriguing people. People that are stunning. For the first time in my life I've felt that security I've longed for. Security in being me. I've always suffered from black sheep syndrome. It seems as though everywhere I go, I am an outcast...the outsider; something I've grown accustomed to, seclusion. I've always believed that love prevails over all things. Not many people have shared this view with me; in that ostracism I've found strength in being myself. At times I've come across as apathetic, and I know this. All along it was more of a guise to cope with neglect. Neglected needs. Now I'm going to focus on those needs because it feels so good to be alive and happy for once in life. True happiness. Let people say and do what they want to me, but I will never allow ice to sheath around my heart.

No matter how bad things may have gotten for me this year, I am taking some truly valuable and priceless lessons into 2009. Pressing in and pressing on, never giving up.

"I find somewhere deep inside, someone strong still resides...and I know I'm gonna be fine"
-M. Carey

Delightful weekend

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is cool, not cold, but just right for me.  The leaves are turning to those beautiful autumn colors, and I practically smell Christmas in the air.  I have another busy work week ahead of me and it's OK.  I am looking forward to it.  I hit a few rough patches last week, some co-workers and I really bumped heads, but it's all in the past.  Saturday night after I got home from work, I went to see a movie.  Role Models.  Of course I am a huge Paul Rudd fan.  Who knew he could be so comical???  I needed all of those laughs.  The movie is complete hilarity through and through.  Though it is rate R.  Parents you'll probably do your kids a favor if you take them to see the Madagascar. 

Here I am, Monday morning starting all over again.  Here's to believing this week shall be better than the last!

YES WE CAN!

On THIS DAY I have never been more proud to be an American!  Barack Obama has become my country's 44th President.  To be honest, I'm still filled with such emotion to even blog about this historic event is almost impossible.  I cried, I shook, and trembled last night when I heard those words ..."Barack Obama has become America's 44th President."  After years, decades, and centuries of feeling a strong sense of injustice this victory is a sweet one.  One that I savor with the rest of THE WORLD.  This is not just a moment in American History, but a moment that will be known the world over.  This is world history!  Let's rewrite the books!  I gave my thoughts on Barack Obama before the voting took place, and I still hold to the things I said.  He is a man of great integrity, strength, & wisdom.  He is what this country needs to heal from years of a poorly ran administration and decades of inequality for some of our country's ground breakers.  He is a beacon of hope for millions of Americans.  Especially for African-Americans, young & old.  Last night I feel that HOPE was restored in my heart.  Anything is possible!  It can be done!  YES WE CAN!  It's a feeling that I don't expect anyone to understand.  All of my life, I've read in the history books of how blacks have been oppressed, abused, and degraded --beaten down by injustice.  Ostracized by a country that is supposed to be the land of opportunity and fairness. Now in my life time I can rejoice in the fact that we have overcome!  I have never in my 23 years of life been more proud to be an American --an African-American! 

I am deeply saddened by the things I've read on facebook and myspace.  I didn't realize I knew so many ignorant and arrogant people.  The true colors of many Americans has been revealed.  But I am thanking God for a new day!  Say what you may, but BARACK OBAMA IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!  He is the man for the job.  

I am overwhelmed with joy for the hope that has been implanted in a new generation.  All things are possible...to those that BELIEVE!!!  I've never once doubted Barack Obama could and would be our nations 44th President.  His character, his heart, and his passion has inspired me from the first day he put his foot in the ring.  The least likely to take this honor has reached an unattainable goal. I've been taught by the bible that ONE DAY the last will be first!  Those who sow in tears will reap songs of joy!  President Barack Obama will forever be one my living heroes.  I thank God for this moment in history and being blessed to be alive to witness this.

CONGRATULATIONS to PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA!  YES WE CAN!!!